Boudaries-I stink at them....Warning: Long Post

**Spirit Deer** · 04-18-2014, 01:41 PM

Good luck.

**larabelle** · 04-18-2014, 01:57 PM

Originally Posted by my4fireflies

I haven't un-friended her so I don't appear dramatic. This is a small town and we have 40 plus mutual friends. Don't want to draw attention it us having an argument. She is a 4 Th generation Towny. I'm a transplant.

You asked for the FV forum opinion...they have complied in giving it...YOU are choosing to make excuses as to why you can not set boundaries with this "friend" and why you will continue to allow her to use you... hmmm...sounds like you just want to whine....

**CPA-Kim** · 04-18-2014, 01:57 PM

Say nothing. Post nothing. She is looking for attention and probably doesn't care if it is positive or negative at this point.

**josantoro** · 04-18-2014, 07:29 PM

Agree, just ignore, if you can't unfriend. Although I don't believe anyone pays attention to who friends who, I know I don't.

You can use your response if you have to see her in person or on the phone.

**my4fireflies** · 04-18-2014, 07:32 PM

I thought I was free to make my own judgment re: what is best? If you ask someone for their opinion, you are free to agree or disagree no? I have weighed all suggestions and I agree with just about everything said, but I think unfriending her would EXASCERBATE the situation right now, which is not something I want. I apologize if not complying with every suggestion makes it appear that I want to whine. Just don't need a bad situation to turn worse. I appreciate all the suggestions.

**gaja** · 04-19-2014, 07:16 AM

I think that would be an overreaction, and would rather answer something like "No, never."

Ignore what you can, short answers to those that you can't ignore. Put her status posts on facebook to automatically ignore, so you don't see them in your feed.

**Ayanka** · 04-19-2014, 01:45 PM

My ex tried to get back in my life (no clue why). I blocked him on FB, blocked him on skype... After that things calmed down. Either way people are going to hear about your argument. Just defriend her, if people ask questions, answer them honestly. Anyone who knows she can be a dramaqueen (and that might be more than you think and that you have 2 special needs kids, would understand your point of view, even if they don't agree with it. And "friends" who can't live with 2 people not getting along anymore for a good reason, are not friends, they are acquaintances.

**khaski** · 04-20-2014, 12:48 AM

I believe you can 'hide' her posts on Facebook so you don't see them at all without unfriending her. I agree with those who have said not to respond to her. Period. Whether firm or polite or rude, it all just feeds her patterns. You insisted on space, stand by your own request now, no matter how many tantrums she throws. Look at it this way-

I want to be your friend. I promise to be consistently, reliably, self-absorbed and rude and disrespectful towards you and your needs. I'll take, take, take, and you must give at my every whim.

Are you just dying to have me in your life yet? No? Can't say I blame you. However 'good' this woman originally was in your life, she is no longer that and is far removed from that. Time to be done with it all, for your and your family's sake. You sound like a good friend- save that friendship for someone who deserves it. It's not this women.

**mndtrp** · 04-22-2014, 03:49 PM

I'm not sure about the Facebook part of seeing a billion posts from her, although you might try the setting that says you only see updates that are "important". What that actually means, I don't know, but it might minimize the flood.

As far as everything else, yes, you do need to set some boundaries. I agree with Spirit Deer, you need to be clear and concise on what your feelings are. If you want someone to leave your house, you say "Leave, I'm going to bed", not "Boy, I'm getting tired." If you don't want to watch her child, but want to be open for other possible times, say "No, I can't watch your child today." If you don't mind picking up her meds, but don't want to pay, have her provide you with money in advance. Have her pay with a debit/credit card over the phone.

It takes a lot for me to cut someone out of my life. However, I don't let people force me into doing things I don't want to do over and over again. Here and there as a favor, sure. Day in and day out, no way. I don't mind helping people, or being a somewhat sympathetic ear, but it is done on my time. I'm not going to be available all day every day, and I'm not going to feel bad about shutting someone down if it impacts me or my family in a major way.

Be honest and tactful, which is really the answer to a lot of life's problems when it comes to other people.

**Ayanka** · 04-22-2014, 04:45 PM

You can block viewing someones posts on fb, click on the message, at the right side there has to be an option to hide messages, and then hide all messages from this person.

**craftypam** · 04-25-2014, 03:38 AM

as far as unfriending her; your feeling better should be most important AND if she's acting like this with you she is probably doing it to someone else. Maybe you could be the leader to everyone else she is treating this way.

**my4fireflies** · 05-05-2014, 10:11 AM

Phew! It's over! She had mean outbursts, then bouts of frantic apologies, then more rage and name calling. I responded calmly and firmly. I did make an attempt to clearly and concisely explain my reasons for feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, but it fell on deaf ears. I sent her a message thanking her for all she has done for me, that I have no hate in my heart towards her (she told me a few times that she hates me), and that I do not regret our friendship (she told me several times that she wishes she never met me if she knew I was going to treat her "like this"???). About 24 hours later she sent a kind message and agreeing to end our friendship on good terms. Guess a kind word DOES turn away wrath?

edited to add: I unfriended her on fb. She sent me a friend request after she sent her last kind message, but I don't want to accept it. I've learned she a "give an inch, take a mile" kind of person. She admits she gets "obsessed" with people that she cares about.....so thanks, but no thanks.

**pammy** · 05-06-2014, 10:26 AM

Sounded like a toxic relationship for you, glad you are rid of it. People will treat you the way you allow them, and she did sound like a 'give and inch take a mile' type of person. I hazard a guess that in the future you will be able to spot one of these types a mile away, bells going off and just avoid the type all together, so there is a lessor learned advantage.

This is from my experience. I once worked in a tiny department, where my boss was my one and only co-worker in our department. And I don't say this lightly, she was THE most self centered person I have ever met in my entire life!! I literally did not know what kind of day it was going to be until she got to work. It was so bad I seriously walked out the day I snapped, quit, to the cheers of my late hubby who listened to the stories of my days there. So now, I'm super sensitive to those types of people since I felt the misery it extracted. To those types, I just be polite but keep my distance. Some people are users and can drain you, emotionally, physically, mentally until you are used up. Toxic. No thanks.

I hope you find some relief from this and find peace with it. Be good to yourself. You must be good to yourself first and foremost so you can be good for others. Your children need a happy 'you'.

**DawnTheFlorist** · 02-08-2015, 09:04 PM

This has happened to me. Your former 'friend' will have to find other avenues to get advice from and other assistance from. You too will have to adjust…this is not an easy thing to do, but as someone said, it is going to be well worth it. You may face questions from mutual friends ( or then again ,you may not , if folks already know how this person is. ) A leopard can't change it's spots you know. As far as your small town goes…there is no better time like the present to get out there and be a part of it. The former friend has taken up enough of your life…Don't let her take up any more of it.

**carfree** · 02-09-2015, 11:56 AM

Glad to hear you were able to end this relationship gracefully. She sounds very obsessive. I've had a couple of people like that try to latch on to me, too. I was able to spot the behavior pretty early and I stayed away from them. Now you can focus on your own responsibilities and your personal goals. I'm sure you have more energy now.