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04-25-2015, 01:20 PM #1
Abusive BIL is an issue beween us
My husband's brother is a jerk to his family, plain and simple. He is verbally abusive, has a drinking problem that has lead him to become violent on occasion and none of his immediate family will acknowledge it. He almost ruined a family wedding with this behaviour yet his parents and siblings, including my husband, just say that's the way he is and their solution is to let him do his thing and try not to upset him. He was recently very verbally abusive to me in front of other family, no alcohol involved. I am actually more upset with my husband over this. He was not present in the moment, but refused to talk to his brother and stand up for me by telling him this is unacceptable. When I told him how I felt he told me I wasn't to talk about his brother that way. The brother is like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde as he can be very pleasant and social one minute, then turn on a dime. His friends think he is an awesome guy as he reserves his abusive behaviour for his family.
SO there is a family event next week, centred around the brother's child and I don't want to go. I won't reward his treatment of me and others by attending. Also, if my husband refuses to have my back, why would I choose to put myself in that situation? I won't let him chase me away from other family get togethers, but I refuse to go to his home. My husband is angry, says I am antisocial, and says we need to make up some reason why I won't be there. I told him there is no way I will lie if asked, everyone knows his brother is a jerk and I have no trouble telling them the real reason.
I know no one can change the brother's behaviour, but I can control how I react to it and whether I want to place myself in his line of fire. The real issue is between my husband and I, and his refusal to acknowledge the problem and defend me. He is an amazing husband and father, this is our only issue. Any thoughts or advice?
04-25-2015, 04:19 PM #2
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My DH was like this w/ his Dmom. When the kids came along I took the brunt of it because I refused to let them go over night or in the car w/ a drinker. And Dh knew if when we got there she was drunk I would just tell the kids Grandma isn't herself, we have to go home. I didn't like the example,the behavior. She would hang all over them slobbering kisses and slurring it disgusted me. She would make wild promises. She told my Ds they would sell her Dh's train sets and pay for his college. She told DD she would take her to Disneyland. It was tough because the kids didn't get it. One still wanted to see her and the other wanted NO part of all that drama.
As far as your situation you have to decide. He may never get it. His patterning incl. this as OK behavior. Would you see a marriage councilor about this issue?
04-26-2015, 04:40 AM #3
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You are doing the right thing by taking a stand. If your husband wants to tell a lie about why you are not there, that's his problem. You must be true to your own values and nobody has a right to insist that you put yourself in a situation that at best, will make you embarrassed and uncomfortable, and at worst, verbally abused.
You're right, the issue is one between you and your husband. You say he is an amazing husband- loyalty to one's spouse is an integral part of a marriage, unfortunately this is indicative of a deeper issue. If you don't feel supported by him this really needs to be addressed.
At a less fraught time when you are both relaxed, perhaps you can explain to him how important this matter is to you? If he still can't, or won't, get it, you need to tell him what to expect from you in the future as regards your involvement in family events and stick to it.
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04-27-2015, 10:13 PM #4
I would stand your ground and not go. You have to watch out for yourself. What a frustrating situation. My MIL is not abusive, but she is critical of me and has said some negative things in the past. My dh will not speak up about anything or stand up for me in any way. He says it won't change anything. We have had major fights over it. So I feel your pain and your dh is not the only one. I hope things get better and you can just avoid the brother in the future.
04-28-2015, 05:41 PM #5
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Your husband is angry? Well, too bad. Stay away from BIL at every opportunity. Boycott the abusive jerk.
05-02-2015, 10:34 AM #6
Thanks for all your replies! Today is the party and I am NOT attending and most of the family knows why. In fact very few family members are going - turns out no one is real impressed with him. His parents and siblings are going, including my husband. He just not a confrontational person, but he does agree after much discussion that I shouldn't have to put up with that kind of treatment. He says if his brother has been drinking or is spewing his usual crap today he I leaving. He is having a lot of friends at this party so he will probably be charming and wonderful Ny way, I have decided not to put myself in his line of fire and hubby will keep a more watchful eye in the future. That's enough for now...
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