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04-10-2007, 02:37 AM #1
Need Advice on My Complete Opposite
Sometimes I get completely Frizzled to bits by my husband , we are completley different people the most severe opposites with different goals. He is A non Frugal , A non survivalist a Non Camper , and well..to be honest a bit more on the stuck up side than he would ever admit. I try and cope the best i can . He works offshore so i only see him about a week or so a month.
I am so Frazzled , I didnt work a normal job before I met him and i dont plan on having one either , maybe i should let you know a li backstory 1st.
BEfore I met my husband , or became pregnant with my son I camped out , traveled and lived an oversimplified or sometimes called primitive life , I had an apartment , and I also had an ever growing bank account , I make jewelry and have been doing so for years , i had sucha good sacings that i barely have to make money anymore because i live super simple and super frugal , I alway have.
I hate living in the city , I hate living in a house , and hate argueing w/ my husband.
We have a small son now and I dont have time to work , I am currently alone most of the time so its like living single , and god help me if the house isnt pristine when he gets home.
I have no one to helo me with the baby , I cant work , play or keep the house as clean as i wish i could and i feel like i have burnt past burn out at this point.
latley i have been talking to him , before i had the baby he blew up on me and wanted me to have a "real" job because he didnt think the 600 a month i allocate myself was wnough money , then when i finally decided i wanted to work a part time doing data entry (something i like doing) he tells me he dosnt me to work...
and he keeps doing these , I want us to save money binges ..but then he tells me a few hours later that i am too much of a tightwad and that i need to spend more money more often ..then he goes on a "you spend too much money on stupid things rant ( i spent 300$ of MY MONEY on a new Tablet PC wich market values at about 3,000) , I try to buy affordable food in stockpile and he just wants to do weekly food runs (that cost too much IMHO)
I normally eat very little ( I am allergic to wheat glutien) and eat a lot of rice mixed with simple veggies , a lil fish and chicken..
but when he comes home he wants to eat huge red dead animal , pasta's and is hard to please meat and potato man , the stuff he buys is exspensive and he wants me to pay a share for a portion of it , but if its wast for him i would eat barely more than maybe 6$ a week in food...he goes through 250$ a week.
I am going nuts and i dont know how to deal with it all
I am so frustrated with his non survivalist . non fugal , gemini style behavior...
maybe some of you know how to cope better than i do , I dont belive in leaving my mate , I love him and will either be with him or no one. He's not abusive , not over controlling , i HAVE told him how i feel and he tries his best to be nicer but he forgets everything by time he gets home...
so i just have to deal on my end somehow ?
Wich i belive MUST be possible.
anyone else been with someone like this , have any suggestion ect ?
Also I DO NOT HAVE Post part um Depression I am fine on that end , just overwhelmed by everything else , the baby is near the easiest thing in my life at this point , teething and all..
thanks I look foward to hearing from people
04-10-2007, 08:56 AM #2
You cannot have a good marriage without it. You are not going to change who you are because it is WHO YOU ARE...kwim? It's the same with him. Sounds like you two need to have heart to heart talk, with maybe a marriage counselor involved. Lot's of people go to marriage counseling - more than you think - they just don't announce it to the world.
It must be very hard to have your husband gone so much, especially with a baby. I found that when my husband had to travel when my kids were babies I had too much time to think about things, and things festered and then I was mad at him and he came home and had no clue why. It's kind of funny to think about now, but at the time it wasn't.
About your housecleaning - I can see both sides to this one. After being gone from home for such a long time, I'm sure your dh just wants to come home and relax in a nice, neat house. On the other hand, I know what having a baby is like and at that point in your life, your house just isn't going to be perfect all the time. As your baby grows up, you will have more time to keep it nice, but at this stage it's too hard and you are too tired. Again - compromise. Maybe you could make sure your bedroom and the kitchen are picked up when he gets home. That way he can eat and rest in a calm atmosphere.
I don't know if I've helped at all, maybe others can give you different ideas. Good luck!
04-10-2007, 10:27 AM #3
~I've been married 6 1/2 years and we've had our share of money squabbles too. DH used to want me to get a job(because his mom worked). I proved to him that we could THRIVE on one income. DH has never complained how I spend money except that he thinks I should spend more on myself(I think that's his way of not feeling guilty that he wants to and does spend more than me). I think men in general are poor communicaters. My DH RARELY actually means what he's saying. It's always code for something else. If he says he wants you to work, he might really be saying he feels overwhelmed being the sole income provider. If he wants the house tidy he might be saying he wants to be appreciated when he comes home. I know my DH was really odd towards me that first couple of years we were new parents. He was often worried about money and overwhelmed with his responsibility. I think alot of the change will have to come from you. I completely understand how you're feeling. It's very draining to be so needed by a baby and wanting someone to come home and take care of YOU! The idea of taking care of another person, especially an adult, makes you angry. I know I didn't(and still don't)always choose to be compassionate but when I did things were much smoother and loving around here.*****HUGS*****~
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04-10-2007, 10:48 AM #4
Ive always been a SAHM. I use to get mad at hubby because he was always working and I was with the kids too with little no help from inlaws or my side of the family. That makes a big strain in the relationship if one person seems to do all the talking and the other isnt listening. I couldnt get through to him either. My fault i let it go on for years though.
I can tell u from experinece get help, like the others said. Counselling is important. I wish mine would of went. he is stubborn. I would be amazed that we were still together after 5 years, guess what its been 15 already.
Im the frugalist and my hubby loves to live for today. sometimes I think Im getting through other times not !!!!
weve been together since I was 18 and he 19 yrs old. we were babies having a baby, thought we knew the world and had all the answers. hahaha
Bear with him, sometimes it takes some men longer to understand in the realtionship and make it stick there, and in somethings u have to meet half way. My man loves his meat too and he fairly fussy on certain meals, im not. But Ive made compromises and so has he.
God bless, hugggssss to you and your marraige, keep trying. their worth it.
04-10-2007, 11:25 AM #5
Thanks everybody , I appreciate it I am still Hanging on.
04-16-2007, 06:51 PM #6
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Just a thought, do you think he may be bipolar? DD is and she goes from one extreme to the other. You take care of yourself and do what you think is right for you and your little one. Big hugs and God Bless!
04-16-2007, 07:11 PM #7
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I can't offer anything other than a great big ((hug))
04-16-2007, 07:35 PM #8
Years ago I worked a job that took me away a week at a time. When I got home I was a bitch.......yes bitch. I was over controlling, I felt like the home wasn't mine and I had to make it mine.
What I was doing was adjusting from living in one situation to another. It really sucked to be honest with you. I didn't know 'my place'. Sometimes I didn't feel like it was even my home. How I got over it was by making plans with my partner and setting up goals together. I don't know if this is what is going on with him but you could ask him.
It sounds like you have made alot of adjustments too!! I bet you do miss your old life alot. Is their anyway you can have a little bit of it back. Do you still make jewelry?? Or could you teach a jewelry making class?
04-16-2007, 08:00 PM #9
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The ladies here have given great advice and the only thing I can think of is Marraige Counseling and talking to him, it's what keeps a marraige going. If you are unable to communicate with him in the way you want him to understand, you will begin to resent him for many things as you've noted in your original post. Be honest with him but tell him what is on your mind, keeping things bottled up inside will only make things worse.
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