Parents and Relationships. (quite long).
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  1. #1

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    Unhappy Parents and Relationships. (quite long).

    My parents are very conservative with very traditional beliefs about relationships and those things related.

    As I have mentioned before, I am living with my BF. This is completely unacceptable in my parent's point of view. Obviously, I feel that I am old enough to make decisions for myself and I have chosen to do this. I know it is not what they want for me, but it is what I want. Also I know that I will face opposition because I am young, but I am not that young. I feel that if I can be responsible for myself in all other ways, that I can make my own choices as well.

    The problem I have is, I have not told my family. They believe that I am living on campus in a school apartment, which I have led them to believe to avoid their rejection. However, I hate lying to them and cannot continue to lie because it hurts me badly, I am just afraid their rejection will hurt even worse. I was hoping someone could give me advice on how to talk to them about it.

    I have become (almost) completely independent from my family, espcially financially, because I am banking on the fact that they will withdraw all support when they learn. The only thing that they still help with is that I am on their insurance, but I pay my own bill. It's just cheaper for me to be under their name.

    I do not want to be separated at all from my family, but I have come to a point in my life where I must decide what is more important, to do what I feel is best for me, or to sacrifice to win the approval of others?

    I know that I will continue to live with my BF, no matter the outcome, but I do not want my parents to hate me or disown me. I know that this is a risk I am taking, but I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish that my family could accept my choices as my choices, that be all. I really don't want to tell them til after Christmas either, in order to avoid tension over the holidays.

    If anyone could offer advice, it would be greatly appriciated.

  2. #2
    Registered User Cricket1's Avatar
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    I would stop the misleading and tell them ASAP. As you said, you're a big girl and you're going to live w/bf no matter what. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt. They may feel even more deceived after Christmas, possibly even thinking you waited after receiving more from them (gifts) rather than owning up to it earlier.

    I would say exactly what you wrote. You love them and you don't want them to disown you, but you need to be honest with them about something.

    I really believe that honesty is the best policy. You can't control how they will behave, but you can start controlling how you behave.

    Good luck!

  3. #3
    Member Darlene's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cricket1 View Post
    I really believe that honesty is the best policy. You can't control how they will behave, but you can start controlling how you behave.
    Good luck!


    Part of being adult is making choices & standing by them. You've made your choices and did so knowing that your parents wouldn't approve. Yes, there will be consequences (like college funding probably being taken away) but you will truly be standing on your own being true to your choices and owning them. In time your parents will (should) calm down , especially as they watch you grow into a beautiful independent young woman.
    I'd just tell them that you love them dearly but ...
    They will be disappointed because they had this idea of how things should go & they are worried about what will happen to you. All parents go through this with their kids and in time they will realize that this is your life & you will make mistakes and you will struggle but you will make your way. It's not easy letting go but they have raised you well enough to be strong enough to go it on your own & you go ahead and do just that.
    They will come around, just give them time & if they don't well that's their choice.




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  5. #4

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    I know that I should tell them as soon as possible, but they don't see me as indpendent and I see myself.

    And it's not for gifts, we don't even really do gifts for anyone over 12 or 13...it's the family I never get to see except for at the holidays that I may not get to see.

    And I'm not worried about college funding, everything for my college I have paid for myself, I have not once asked for money this year.

    What would be the best way to talk to them about it? I'd much rather talk with my mom first, because she is the one that would have anything to say about it. If I were your child, what would you want to hear?

  6. #5
    Registered User annymoll's Avatar
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    I am a conservative, traditional mom.
    I feel that living together is wrong. However, once my children moved out into the world and became financially independent, they began a life for themselves. When you are in your own home, you make your own decisions. I would not support my child financially in that lifestyle. But I would not disown or reject my own child.I cannot tell you what to say to your mom. But I sense a loving closeness that you have for her. Just speak from your heart.

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    Member Darlene's Avatar
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    I'd want you to tell me the truth.

    Know that when I look at you after you tell me that it's not a look of hate.

    Its that I'm scared of you leaving, of being hurt, of making mistakes. Maybe I do care what other people think, maybe too much. Maybe I wish I did what you are doing now....

    Tell me what your plans are, how this is important to you. Tell me you love me and that the way I've raised you has given you a family who mean the world to you & that hurting us is the last thing you want to do but it's time for you to spread your wings. Just talk to me & I'll help you talk to your Dad.




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    Would you see your child 'on their own' when they were attending college? When does a parent see a child as on their own?

    I have considered myself majoritally financially independant since my Dad was laid off when I was in high school. I had a job and a car, so I just took care of myself. When my dad got a job, I felt it would be irresponsible and childish to start asking for money again if I was doing fine on my own. So basically since I have been working, I have been taking care of myself.

    I am just afraid that I will never be able to spend time with my family again.

  9. #8

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    But that is the thing, my parents raised me NOT to do this, so telling them that I love the way they raised me would be a contradiction. Everything my mom has taught me about how to live is not how I am living.

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    I think you should apologize for not being honest and tell them you love them but have made this decision (if you are really sure) and you hope they won't "disown you" or whatever term you want to use.

    Really, what else can you say? They will probably be angry, might even go a while without talking to you, but as you said, you're an adult and you have to decide which is more important - making your family happy, or making your own decisions and standing by them?

  11. #10
    Registered User annymoll's Avatar
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    Bamber, I do not know if I will ever see my kids as adults. Although before me, I see independent adults, a part of me, I guess my heart, still sees the little ones I raised. I will always want what is best for them. But it is no longer my job to decide what is best.Are you happy in the choice that you have made? When I have personal conviction about my decisions, I am fortified. Do YOU think living together is wrong?I know you have stated it is what you want to do. Is what you want to do something you feel is wrong?Maybe, you are dealing with your personal convictions, more so than your parents convictions. Just my rambling thoughts. LOL
    Last edited by annymoll; 11-06-2007 at 02:30 PM.

  12. #11
    Registered User jamie79's Avatar
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    I think if you are truly grown up then what your parents think will not bother you in the way that it seems to. Dont misunderstand me, yes its important what your family thinks but if your grown up then its not that important. Do you understand? They only person that needs to feel good about your living situation is you

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    Yes, I am the only person that has to feel comfortable with it. But I do not want my parent's decisions to keep me from time I could spend with my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, and all the family that I only see at the holidays, and I only see them at my parents house.

    It's not just my relationship with my parents that is on the line, I do not want to create more family drama than there needs to be.

    My mother still tries to tell me what I can and cannot wear, what places I can and cannot go to, and who I can spend time with. Although I do not let her control me, I do have to suffer her criticism every time I do something she feels is 'innappropriate'.

    If my situation were a perfect situation where both parties were completely undestranding, I'd tell her right away. But I do not feel she would give me a fair chance, knowing her strong convictions and how they have hurt our relationship in the past.

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    I dealt with the same issues as you when I was younger. I told my parents and they did not give me any support at all. I was cut off from them for awhile and they did not help me with college. It was rough and I was sad as I loved them very much and just wanted to be accepted.

    That being said, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I was honest with who I was and stood up for me. I am a much stronger person for what I went through.

    Things ended up working out in the long run and my parents are accepting of who I am today, even if it's not exactly what they had hoped for me.

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    Moderator Ceashels's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bamber View Post
    Yes, I am the only person that has to feel comfortable with it. But I do not want my parent's decisions to keep me from time I could spend with my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, and all the family that I only see at the holidays, and I only see them at my parents house..
    So why don't you establish an adult relationship with your granparents, aunts and uncles? If you are relying on your parents to make the arrangements for those social gatherings, then perhaps you see your independence differently?

    Quote Originally Posted by bamber View Post
    It's not just my relationship with my parents that is on the line, I do not want to create more family drama than there needs to be.

    My mother still tries to tell me what I can and cannot wear, what places I can and cannot go to, and who I can spend time with. Although I do not let her control me, I do have to suffer her criticism every time I do something she feels is 'innappropriate'. .
    I've learned that it takes two or more to make drama. You can let them rage and give you the silence treatment and leave the ball in their court. If you are planning on staying with your BF weather they like it or not, then the drama is all theirs. Let them own it.

    And have you told your mom that she shouldn't be giving you advice on your wardrobe and social life? Only you allow yourself to suffer her criticism, you can always say, "Mom, it is inappropriate for you to tell me what to wear, and if you continue, i will end this conversation."

    Quote Originally Posted by bamber View Post
    If my situation were a perfect situation where both parties were completely undestranding, I'd tell her right away. But I do not feel she would give me a fair chance, knowing her strong convictions and how they have hurt our relationship in the past.
    I don't think anyone has the "perfect situation" for disclosing something like this. She may view it as you hurting her but in reality it is her response that hurts her. She may be disappointed but you will be proving yourself to be truely independent as an adult. Only you can weigh out the pros and cons of this situation. Everything has a cost. It will cost now, it may cost later.

    Good luck in your decisions.

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    Registered User OzFreeBird's Avatar
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    I"ve read through this and have noticed, Bamber, that you have not disclosed your age. I feel this may be the sticking point.

    You may "think" you are grown up, but in actual fact the human brain does not mature until you are 25. This is a physical fact. I remember thinking I knew it all at 21, but now realise that 35 is a more realistic milestone in terms of reasonable maturity and sound decision making.

    Once a young adult moves out of home, they can get up to anything they like, and generally do. Curiosity killed the cat, and all that. I feel it is a little naive for your family to think you are the same girl now that you were when living with them, because in some ways you are not.

    If your true age was 15-18, then I, as a mother, would have a problem with my daughter living with a boyfriend. It would NOT be based on sexual concerns (I would reason my child was well enough educated in that sense to take appropriate precautions and set ground rules). My concerns would be for my daughter's general welfare, eating properly, and most importantly not being influenced by inappropriate older people in making poor life choices. THAT would be my greatest concern.

    Once my child was 18 (this is the legal adult age in Australia) they are entitled as an adult to do anything they like, and my responsibility to them ends, to a certain extent, but I would still be available to listen to their problems, and to give counsel, if that is what the child wanted.

    So what is your age?

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