Not really a single mum, but... Help!!!
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  1. #1

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    Default Not really a single mum, but... Help!!!

    I need advice.

    At present my family lives apart. My husband, daughter and granddaughter in the UK, and my son and I in Canada (hoping to move here; son on study permit here).

    Anyway, for the past two years my son has become more and more difficult to be with, especially the last year of being here in Canada.

    He is 17, so some 'problems' are to be expected. I got them with my daughter (BIG problems), but never thought it would happen with DS (I guess I was hoping).

    My son is making my life miserable!!!

    I recently found out that he had been skipping school (only found out because I received a letter from the principal), which could really jeopardize our plans of moving here (if he gets expelled) .

    That's not the biggest issue I have though.

    His attitude towards me is just downright disgusting.

    He is totally disrespectful (keeps telling me he has no respect for me), doesn't want to help, is argumentative, raises his voice at me..., to name but a few.

    All he wants to do is be with his friends. If it was up to him, he would move out and live with his friends. He hates where we live (very rural; 1/2 hr drive from all his friends, so only really gets to see them during school time, and at weekends), and would move into town in a split second given the chance (which is obviously not going to happen).

    The money he had saved up in his account has all gone now, so he has no money to buy his cigarettes (bad habit I don't agree with), which is leading to even more arguments, as I won't give him any money for them. I mean, come on... Why should I give him money when I get absolutely nothing in return??!!

    I still tell him that I love him, although he treats me bad every day. Just this morning, before he got on the school bus, I told him 'I do love you. I always have, and I always will.' The reply I got was 'Well, I never will!'

    All I want to do is cry, but I'm starting to run out of tears. I wouldn't cry in front of him anyway, as he would only laugh at me.

    I have tried to talk to him so many times; been nice; tried being tough. He is currently grounded, which is making it even worse.

    What shall I do? What can I do?

    Help!!!!

  2. #2
    Registered User Dancing Lotus's Avatar
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    He never treated you this way before?
    If this is all new behavior since moving I would say the friends are the problem.. DId he want to leave the UK?
    I am very sorry to hear he is treating you this way.

  3. #3

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    He was starting to be argumentative in the UK, and I know that part of this behaviour was, and is, due to his friends. I guess I 'have to' make certain allowances because of his age, though.

    The problem is, I can't choose his friends for him. That's something parents have little influence on, especially at his age.

    And yes, he was the one who made the decision to move to Canada on a study permit. He finished school in the UK, and decided to attend the last two years of school in Canada, in order to get a Canadian High School Diploma. That way, should we be granted residency, he would already have somewhat of an advantage.

    All I hear now is that he hates where we live, he hates me, he doesn't want to be around me. He threatens me with leaving school, which would really only hurt him in the long run.

    I'm at my wits' end.

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  5. #4
    Registered User Dancing Lotus's Avatar
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    When is the last time he saw his Dad? Maybe Dad could come stay with him for a few weeks while you go stay with the other kids in the UK. I few weeks alone with Dad could help.

  6. #5

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    Dad was here in August and is coming back in November for a while (they even spent about 2 weeks together without me, while I went visiting my family in Germany). His sister and niece were here, too.

    DS always looks forward to his dad coming over, and is never really that bad for him. It's just really for me! And I really don't know why!

    I'm just feeling so helpless at the moment.

  7. #6
    Registered User miss_thrifty's Avatar
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    sounds like he needs dad to be, that male reinforcement to show him the way, hes' missing that. he's taking everyhting out on you because he thinks hes not getting what he needs in life, (teenagers wnat everyhting their way). I know I have a 17 yr old and I know for a fact if hubby wasnt around he would leave- hubby keeps him grounded and he doesnt always respect me and tests me. I havent changed but he has over the years. and yes the kids he sticks around with sometimes has attitude and goes where they want. NOT mine. 12 in at night, and we have to know the freinds house phone number not cell. Kids will try ya and pretend their at their freinds house and their not. he's done that before and got caught.
    Your hubbu os gping to have to sit him down and make harder rules and let him know u both are on the same wave length. then he know he cant get azway with it. He'll try- i know mine does, but hubby tells it as it is going to be, and stop trying to be a adult, u dont act like one, show me the man u want to be, and be him. Not that gutter mouth kid or smart a** and you'll get the respect you deserve. Thats what my hubby told him last time.

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    You always hurt the one you are closest too. You are the one that is there, an easy target if you will. Sounds like he has alot of bottled up stuff going on. May be time for a family sit-down, to reevaluate the situation with dad included.

  9. #8

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    Thanks for your comments.

    I know that everything you are saying is right, and believe, we've done all that already.

    So, when dad is here we have the family talk, seem to get through to DS, but as soon as dad leaves again (which is unfortunately still a must a the moment), DS changes again.

    I ground him, but DS still does what he wants. Just the other night he didn't come home from school. I called him, but he refused to come home. In the end I managed to find out where he was, and got a friend to take me there (I would have never found the place).

    Just now he called me to let me know that he missed the school bus to take him to the construction site where his class is working at the moment. Instead, he is driving around with a friend (friend's car), refusing to go back to school.

    His dad had a chat with him on Skype the other night. DS doesn't see any problem with his behaviour, and doesn't think he should have to change (that's what he told his dad).

    So, there is really not much I can do.

    Any suggestions? I'm pulling my hair out, and am starting to wish I really wasn't here.

  10. #9
    Registered User cissylu's Avatar
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    Gem I wish I had advice for you. He sounds like ddgs that I raise.
    By what you say dgs is worse than your son.a suggestion keep your money hid don`t trust him.

    dgs is 18 he has stolen hundreds of dollars from us and forged checks we have to keep them hid.

    I know how you feel about the disrespect also.I`m here for you anytime you want to talk just pm me.
    (((hugs to you)))

  11. #10

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    Coming to Canada has always been my dream, and when DS decided he wanted to come to school here, we all accepted that the family would be apart for a long time, only seeing each other during a few holidays each year.

    Right now I am feeling so darn alone. I really want to cry, but at the same time I just want to stay strong; not let him win.

    What DS is doing with regard to going to school here, he is really risking our immigration hopes. If he was to be expelled, his study permit might become void, which means we would have to leave. I'm only here on a holiday basis anyway (which means I have to leave for a short time every 6 months), so I can't even kick up too much of a fuss at school, or with authorities (to seek help). That's just not a possibility for me.

    I am so sad; questioning my ability to be a good parent. One minute I want to reason with him, the next minute I'd like to beat sense in to him (but to tell you the truth, I think he would hit me back).

  12. #11
    Registered User frugalfranny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gems View Post
    So, when dad is here we have the family talk, seem to get through to DS, but as soon as dad leaves again (which is unfortunately still a must a the moment), DS changes again.

    I ground him, but DS still does what he wants. Just the other night he didn't come home from school. I called him, but he refused to come home. In the end I managed to find out where he was, and got a friend to take me there (I would have never found the place).

    Just now he called me to let me know that he missed the school bus to take him to the construction site where his class is working at the moment. Instead, he is driving around with a friend (friend's car), refusing to go back to school.

    His dad had a chat with him on Skype the other night. DS doesn't see any problem with his behaviour, and doesn't think he should have to change (that's what he told his dad).

    So, there is really not much I can do.
    Oh Gems.......so very sorry you are going through this....it is tough getting them through the 'teen' years.

    My 2 cents is: he DOES have the upper hand as he knows how bad you want to come to Canada. I think it is about time that you let him know he will be going back to UK if he doesn't shape up.........IF YOU CAN SAY THIS AND MEAN IT! So 'tough love' is in order...and the sooner the better.......you really don't want him quitting school!!

    Would you be willing to 'sacrifice' getting to Can. for now......to let him know that you mean business?

    I hope you can get something worked out.........will be thinking about you and hoping for the best.

  13. #12
    Registered User frugal is fun's Avatar
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    Somehow you have to get the control back AND you and his father need to be on the same page. When does he turn 18? Is it the same in the united States, that at 18 you're legally an adult?

    Until he turns 18 or until his attitude changes I would only provide essentials. Food, shelter, clothing. I would sit him down and tell him this. Take everything extra away, cell phones, computer, tv, fancy clothes, car, whatever he has. If you're paying for it, its gone or cut down to bare minimum. Tell him if he wants it to either start respecting you or get a job and pay for it himself.

    I agree that you have to be ready to give up Canada. If he misses school he will have to pay the consequences.

    I've heard of parents literally taking everything except the bed out of their teens room, and taking the door off the hinges. Privacy is a privilege that needs to be earned along with all the other stuff I mentioned above.

    In a way you have to treat him like I treat my 4yr old. If you're not nice to mommy, then mommy isn't going to be nice to you.

    Good luck and I wish you only the best!

  14. #13
    Registered User Daisygirl's Avatar
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    This reminds me of a similar situation with my oldest daughter when her Dad and I were in a custody suit. If you think about it there are a lot of similarities - the distance, depending on one parent.

    We did some therapy and the therapist pointed out that Dad is like Disneyland and Mom is the whip-cracker. I agree with the poster who said start taking away priveleges and let him earn them back. Warn him ahead of time and then make sure you follow through.

    Best of luck - this must be very difficult for you.

  15. #14
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    Hmm, this is going to sound harsh but here goes: His ungrateful behind is in Canada, studying by priveledge.........he is there with a permit and a parent who uprooted herself to do so and the rest of the family has sacrificed also.........my suggestion if he doesn't want to respect you why should you respect his want to be there.............yank his butt back to the UK.

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