Divorce / Seperation....Long
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 17
  1. #1

    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    623
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    0

    Default Divorce / Seperation....Long

    Ladies,

    Never in my life did I think I would be asking this question...maybe I am just naive...

    How did you know when it was time to end your marriage, or at least seperate?

    DH and I have been having some problems lately...I suspect it's something I should have seen coming, but love is blind and all that I feel more like I am his mother or caretaker than his wife. I pay the bills, take care of the cats & the house, work full time, blah blah blah. It has gotten worse since we moved to lexington. He did almost nothing for the 1st 6 months we were living down here. He would make dinner, and that was about it. He knew we were hurting for $$ and he would still stay up late playing Madden then not take substitute teaching jobs because "he was too tired". Now that he has a full time teaching job it's like he can only have one responsibility at a time and now it's teaching. If he were single, he would have to take care of so much stuff it would probably overwhelm him, but in our present situation, he knows that I'll quit nagging him and take care of it eventually. I am no longer attracted to him because I no longer see us as partners in this marriage. I really, really, really, want to have children (always have ) but now I am scared that I won't be able to do it by myself, but I don't think he'll be much help with that either. To top it off, now that we live in Lexington, I don't have much of a support system here. I have great people that I work with but I haven't made many other friends besides them. I feel like the only time I'm not angry any more is if I am back in NE ohio with my family, curled up with one of the cats, or at my scrapbooking table.

    I truly feel like I am at my wits end...It's crazy too, when I step back and look at it more objectively...He has never mistreated me, I know he loves me but I also think he's still a child in a lot of ways. I don't know what to do and would appreciate any advice!

  2. #2
    Registered User Daisygirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Welland, Ontario, Canada
    Age
    51
    Posts
    2,506
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    1
    Rep Power
    24

    Default

    Oh, wow, honey. That is a tough one. My ex did mistreat me, so it was pretty easy to figure out that the time to leave had come and gone.

    I am assuming that you have talked with him about how you feel. It must be very difficult to feel like a caregiver instead of a partner. Perhaps marraige counseling would be helpful. I will tell you from experience that ultimatums, on the off-chance that they work at all, only fix the problem temporarily.

    Communication is very key. If you don't have that, you don't have much. We all feel misunderstood from time to time, but when it is all the time instead of occasional, then it is serious. As for the issue with children, before I got pregnant with my youngest, I knew that in all likelihood I would be raising her without help, and I was ok with that. If you choose to have children, be aware that may be the case.

    The only major piece of advice I have is this. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life how things are now? The here and now is the status quo and is how things will more than likely remain. If you choose to stay, you are accepting things how they are, and you have to decide to be happy with that, not just endure it. If it is something that ou can resign yourself to and be ok with because you love you husband, then your relationship can be strong. But he is what he is and you won't be able to change this permanently.

    You shouldn't have to do it all alone, Miranda. Marraige should be a partnership, not a babysitting job. Only you can know what is in your heart and whether or not you can make this work.

  3. #3
    Registered User dwallyfam's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Age
    53
    Posts
    1,966
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    17

    Default

    Talk to him first. Men don't always know what we are thinking and feeling. Sometimes it is a shock to them that a situation exists. If after talking anothing happens then maybe you should consider it.

  4. Remove Advertisements
    FrugalVillage.com
    Advertisements
     

  5. #4
    Registered User i.m.cheap's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Kansas
    Age
    59
    Posts
    3,346
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    23

    Default

    I would recommend counseling, and think LONG and HARD before you have any children with this man if the counseling does not produce some changes. I think many men were raised seeing their mothers take care of almost everything, and they expect their wives to do the same. My DH has always worked, and so have I. He has been a great partner in raising our daughter, she never had outside childcare, we just have always worked opposite shifts. But when it comes to work being done around the house, DH will mow the grass, and EVERYTHING else is my responsibility, the bills, the shopping, the cooking, cleaning, laundry, gift buying, you name it. I just love him for what he is, and am glad to be his wife. Since he agreed to let me work less than full-time, I feel more comfortable with the division of household chores. When I was working 50+ hours a week and doing everything at home, there was growing resentment.

  6. #5
    Registered User Droppedonmyhead's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Central Florida
    Age
    65
    Posts
    962
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    15

    Default

    It sounds to me that perhaps he might be suffering from depression. I hope everything works out for the both of you. You sound so sad about it, my heart goes out to you.

  7. #6
    Registered User banana's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    1,475
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    16

    Default

    I agree with what Karen said above. I hope it all works out for you.

  8. #7

    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    623
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    I think what started as growing resentment has permeated every aspect of our relationship...He knows how I feel about parts of it but I don't think he grasps the severity of my feelings, which is my fault...We have a counciling session scheduled for next week...hopefully this will get some of these issues out on the table. {the counciling was scheduled by me so we can discuss how to better communicate over disagreements...we have completely different ways of approaching conflict - a big part of the reason he doesn't know exactly how i feel. Hopefully this will really help.}

    I appreciate the thoughtful answers, everyone. Thanks for the support!

  9. #8

    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    353
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    Miranda, I'm sorry you're hurting, but I think you've made the best choice, given the situation. Counseling saves many marriages...and it can also reveal when and if there are truly irreconciable differences.

    My only advice would be to very directly tell the therapist and your husband that you have considered leaving the marriage. They both need to know upfront how serious this is to you and how unhappy you are.

  10. #9
    Registered User Daisygirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Welland, Ontario, Canada
    Age
    51
    Posts
    2,506
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    1
    Rep Power
    24

    Default

    I think that you have taken a really wise step Miranda. If things do not work out, you will at least know that you did all you could, you didn't just give up. And you never know, once your husband knows the severity of your feelings, he may come around. I agree with Cele -- you MUST let them know you are thinking of leaving. If you leave that out to spare hurt feelings, you are leaving out the one thing that tells the therapist and your husband how truly serious you are.

    Big hugs.

  11. #10
    Registered User missymomof3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Louisville, KY
    Age
    46
    Posts
    674
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    15

    Default

    I am sorry that you are having problems. I hope and pray that things will all work out in the end!

  12. #11

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    2,010
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    I agree with the others above, you need to communicate during counseling, you've hit a stage where the honeymoon is over, you've moved, it does sound like he's suffering a bit of depression and all of this added together is a huge burden. Hopefully the counselor can help you both, be honest and also listen during the session.

    I've been there, there CAN be a turn around in a situation like this, communication is the key.

    kj

  13. #12
    Registered User tigo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Kansas City, MO
    Posts
    1,725
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    6
    Rep Power
    21

    Default

    For me the signs were pretty clear- I was happy to go to work and dreaded coming home. I would sneak out early on weekends (mostly volunteering at the soup kitchen) and stay gone all day just to avoid being in the same house as him. And sex- forget it, I couldn't stand him. The reasons are complicated and had been going on for years. I had a health scare (thought my cancer had come back) and that's when it hit me that life is too short to be that miserable. He wouldn't try counselling and now I go on my own. No regrets here but it is different for each person/couple.

  14. #13

    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    51
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    with my first ex, i was glad to see him leave... he was like an annoying anchor around my neck... very negative, lazy person... i even had champagne the day i went to court!
    with my dh now, he is soooo wonderful... he raised my dd as his own, we had a ds together and he is an awesome man!...
    like togo said, everyone is different... counseling is wonderful... and communication is the key...
    remember we are all here for you if you need us...

  15. #14
    Registered User suzysaver's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    oregon
    Age
    52
    Posts
    1,317
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    16

    Default

    My hubby and I at one time decided to divorce. He had a drinking problem and a very negetive attitude, we still loved each other...but I told him I could not stand by and watch him destroy himself in front of me. He became very ill shortly after this and ended up in the hospital for a 14 day stay, he almost died from pancreatitis. I think fate stepped in and told him he can no longer drink and from that day forward he hasn't had a sip, it has been 1 year and 10 months. His attitude has also changed and I think he realized just how much I do love him. He is now trying to quit smoking, he has changed all for the better. I agree with laying your cards on the table, he probably doesn't understand how serious you are. I also work part time and do most all of the housework, this is kind of our deal and it makes me happy. I can't imagine working a full shift every day and coming home to a second job, while he sits on his butt. I really hope counseling will help you, good luck to you and men really can change...I just think he needs a wake up call.

  16. #15
    Registered User Nada.Leona's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Halifax, NS
    Posts
    3,760
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    14
    Rep Power
    23

    Default

    Miranda my dear, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Replace Madden with World of Warcraft and you have my situation pegged perfectly. My ex-husband couldn't even feed the cat, let alone feed himself -- thank your lucky stars at least your man will cook dinner! My ex-husband and I were constantly battling over what he did (or didn't) do and what I was forced to do. I could tell you stories that I am sure would sound so familiar it would frighten you.

    I agree with everyone else -- try councelling (sp?) first. My ex-husband and I didn't try it but he was a very ignorant, bull-headed man who refused to believe there was even the remotest possibility that he was wrong, and to this day he thinks I am the bad one for leaving him -- he thinks I'm a selfish bitch who abandoned him and ran off to be with someone else (so not the case). I was fortuneate to have the support of a wonderful best friend who loved me and wanted only the best for me, be it with our without my ex-husband. That best friend turned into my who is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. (And no, I didn't leave my ex-husband for and no, we weren't having an affair before I left my husband. We were friends, but nothing more.)

    Go with the councelling first and formost. With my ex-husband, I knew it was time to leave about a year before I did leave him. At that time though, he was diagnosed with bipolar and he asked me to stay and see what it was like to be with him while he was on medication. He promised he'd change. It didn't happen, but I am glad I stayed the year I did -- now he can't say, "You didn't even try". So do what YOU can to try to make it work. Then at least you cannot leave him room to blame you if the end does come.

    PM me anytime, I'd be happy to talk to you about it.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Retirement / Downpayment savings - What now? (long, long long)
    By Denvergirlie in forum Debt Reduction & Money Management
    Replies: 19
    Last Post: 10-05-2008, 09:01 PM
  2. Divorce Advice? (long, sad story)
    By forHISglory in forum Question and Answer
    Replies: 34
    Last Post: 08-25-2008, 08:13 PM
  3. Ack! Dog with seperation anxiety!
    By carlitasway in forum Pets
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 04-17-2008, 09:19 AM
  4. The "Six Degrees Of Seperation" theory
    By KKCondrey in forum General Chat
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 09-23-2006, 09:32 AM
  5. My closest friend of 14 years is getting a seperation
    By homesteadmamma in forum Family
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 12-08-2002, 11:13 PM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •