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    Unhappy confused

    Ok so had a fight well not really maybe it was just a discussion? I don't know anyways I'm a little depressed and not really caring, and knowing that my husband had a hell of a day I left him be! Cook him a nice dinner, picked the house up and was jsut dealing with things that were going on in my head...... anyways after dinner I was just sitting on the couch on my laptop not thinking anything is wrong. Wel I guess I was wrong! My husband I guess was just holding it in and getting more frustrated. So I'm really really really feeling bad about my body and didn't take a shower and get cleaned up just felt dirty anyways long long long story short I went to bed and didn't hug/kiss him and said good night I was really just laying in bed waiting on him.....i kept looking at our door because I can tell when and if the tv is on. So I noticed it wasn't so I went out there just to get him so that he didn't fall asleep on the couch and get kinked. Went out there and touched him to wake him up and said come to bed baby, he had a bitter voice and said I just thought you didn't want me to sleep with you. I told him is total disbelief why wouldn't I want you to sleep with you. (I'm totally confused) any ways that turns into a converstion about me being sad all the time acording to him more than I even know about myself. Itold him I am doing so everything for him to help him be happy after a hell of a day by cleaning, cooking, making him breakfast at 6 in the morning every morning and so on and I said that I feel like you don't apperiate it that it seems like you expect it. He said I do exepect you to clean and cook thats your job! MY JOB!!! Ouch! I don't see him complaining about his mom not cooking, even cleaning (I come over once a week to clean for her, not much picking up there!!) But its differant when I am doing it wrong. So thats when I start clamming up and start feeling even worse about myself, What more can I do for him so I asked him well told him let me know what else I can do to make things better. He said I don't know its all with-in. What, I was totally fine!! there is other details that would take a long time to type out, so what would you guys do? What would you do or say if your husband said that he likes me being home that I don't have to get a job unless I need too (the whole within thing) and then he says its YOUR JOB to clean and cook for him all the time, that means laundy and everything!! He works and pay bills, I do everything else, trash, store, clean, cook, erins, etc. Am I at wrong? I'm confused on what to do, or what not to do? Help

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    oh and he says the cooking and cleaning is all prep for when we have kids because I will be doing it even more and it will make it easier because I am doing it now........

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    Registered User nvmommyx6's Avatar
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    I am a stay at home wife and Mom and that IS my job.....I know how you feel as far as the "feeling unappreciated" part goes, but wife and mother is a thankless job!! Your thanks come from seeing a happy family that YOU have created!
    I think (no offense) that it is your job, but I also think he could be a little more understanding and appreciative toward you for all you do!

    I had 2 jobs up until last December and while I did, my old man had to come home and do the cleaning and cooking and parenting! It was a learning lesson for him, he simply said "you need to be home with our kids, I cannot do your job, and I don't know how you do!!"
    sometimes people need to walk in each others shoes and realize how...ummm.....ungrateful they can be!
    Let us know how it goes
    Mommy

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    Registered User cissylu's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DmPatton View Post
    oh and he says the cooking and cleaning is all prep for when we have kids because I will be doing it even more and it will make it easier because I am doing it now........
    dm sorry but he does have a point there. as mommy says it your job and it isn`t fun and is a thank less job.
    of course it would not hurt him to take the trash out. and do a little to
    help. But some men won`t!
    (((hugs)))

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    jas
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    No offense but, what do you think your job is? If he is out woking everyday away from home. It is only reasonable to think that the keeping of the home and making of the meals would be what you contribute to the home.

    Maybe you just didn't like the way he said "it is your job".
    Most men don't see all that you do each day just what you don't get done. Which is true for most people male or female.

    I have been a sahm mom for the most part of 20 years the few times I did work outside the home my dh hated it. More didn't get done, and more fell on him. He is dog tired, mentally and physically wore out at the end of the day. He just wants to relax. (he is not a tv watcher though) he will just still in a quite room for a bit or go out to the garage and putter.

    When you have kids, and if you have more than one, after a long day sometimes the house can/will look worse than when he left in the morning. Wait till the brilliant things he can come up with to say then. Sometimes it is all you can do to not bite your tongue off or his head.

    Have a calm conversation with him and talk all of this out. It is really all you can do to make it better for the both of you.

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    pip
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    It is a thankless job sometimes to be a stay at home wife/mom. It can get to feel like drudgery at times and it's hard not getting the stimulation of being in the outside world, too. Ideally, both husband and wife could be appreciative of what each is contributing to the family, but sadly that does not always happen. Maybe you can do some little things for yourself during the day that will help you feel like yourself, nurture yourself as an individual so that you don't feel like you are always giving and not getting, kwim? Get that shower in, put on some makeup if that's what you like, maybe a little walk to help you relax and see things in a better perspective.

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    I hate to be a sore spot BUT it is your job in a way, I am a SAHM I cook, clean, take care of our DD (even though she is 12), make sure all the bills are paid, food is in the fridge, take the trash out, wash laundry, etc.... it is my job.

    My DH works all day to provide for us so my job is taking care of the home and everything else. Do we always get a thank you for everything? No! BUT just think about how things would be if it were the other way around.

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    I agree that it is my job as a SAHM to do these things, BUT... I told my husband that he gets a paycheck at the end of the week to let him know that someone notices and appreciates the work he does, he also has a clean house and supper on the table every night, and I tell him on a regular basis how much I appreciate his hard work. Since I don't get a paycheck the only external reward I get is his appreciation and it is nice to hear it every once in a while. He didn't really understand this until I spelled it out for him this way. He is much better about expressing it when he thinks a meal is particularly good or notices something I've done around the house.

    Now, all that being said a household is not a 9-5 job and I refuse to do absolutely everything around the house just because I stay at home. My dh understands this and knows that even though I do most things that doesn't mean he gets to relax every evening and weekend while I still have work to do. When we are both home we both pitch in so we can relax together.

    It sounds like you are both unhappy and maybe even depressed. I think you and dh need to sit down and have an honest discussion about what you both need. I have found that telling a man how you feel about something isn't nearly as effective in telling what he can do to prevent you from feeling this way. As much as I would like for dh to anticipate my needs that just isn't going to happen all the time. By the same token you have to be willing to listen to his needs as well. I have found it best to really think about what I want to say and approach the topic over a nice meal, usually on a weekend when dh isn't as tired.

    Good luck.

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    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
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    What I'm seeing here, from the male perspective, is a lot of assumptions going on with both of you, where there should be communication instead.

    knowing that my husband had a hell of a day I left him be!
    Know? Or assumed? How did you know?
    Not certain on this one - just asking.
    My husband I guess was just holding it in and getting more frustrated.
    Fault: Husband. Communicating frustrations with the spouse is essential. Not communicating leads to breakdown.

    I went to bed and didn't hug/kiss him and said good night I was really just laying in bed waiting on him
    Implied assumption - hubby knew you were waiting on him.

    he had a bitter voice and said I just thought you didn't want me to sleep with you.
    Assumption on his part.

    I said that I feel like you don't apperiate
    This is not a statement of your feelings, it's an analysis of him. I feel afraid. I feel angry. I feel resentful. Those are statements of feeling. I feel like you don't appreciate me is not a feeling, its an accusation.

    He said I do exepect you to clean and cook thats your job! MY JOB!!!
    Indication of communication breakdown - responsibilities of relationship.

    Ouch! I don't see him complaining about his mom not cooking, even cleaning (I come over once a week to clean for her, not much picking up there!!)
    What does his mother have to do with your marriage? He doesn't live there, he isn't married to her, and neither of you are responsible for his mother.

    The two of you need to develop better communication skills. This would be best served, in my opinion, by seeking out marital counseling. Now. Before too much damage is done to get past.

    I also recommend that you read, and maybe he reads, the book "Boundaries". While a heavily Christian book, it's got some really good info about identifying where your boundaries should begin and end, and how to develop your own and respect the boundaries of others.

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    jas
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    In my post above, I take care of the household stuff. cleaning, laundry, cooking that kind of stuff. During the week dh doesn't do all that much, Except taking out the trash, but after dinner he will put away any leftovers. He does this because first he makes his lunch for the next day. I still clean up the kitchen.

    Dh takes care of all yard work, house maintinance, cars ect.

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    Registered User nvmommyx6's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Greebo View Post
    I also recommend that you read, and maybe he reads, the book "Boundaries". While a heavily Christian book, it's got some really good info about identifying where your boundaries should begin and end, and how to develop your own and respect the boundaries of others.
    When "we" decided for me to stay home for the family's sake, We often read these kinds of books as a lesson to both of us!
    We refer to the bible to make sure we "know" what our parts are as husband and wife to each other and parents to our children! And we have made sure that it is "both" of us doing this, not just one of us and the other assumes!
    I totally agree with Greebo!

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    You are important and being a homemaker is important and yes alot of it is your "job" so make it the most fun you can. Put on some music & dance & sing your little heart out while you work. It really is what you make it.

    Once you feel better about yourself a whole lot of things will fall into place. You are a priority, not for him but for yourself. Take that shower, put on some decent clothes & do your make up. Make a list of what you want to get done in the morning & afternoon and cross them off as you go. Make time for a mid morn and mid day something to drink and nibble on and include some time for getting out of that house and taking a walk. That walk is important, just do it, don't skip it. You need to start taking pride in yourself and your accomplishments his should follow.
    Go you!

    You are in a rut & it's time to change it up. If you find you can't shake this negative feeling you should go see your doc.



    Last edited by Darlene; 08-19-2008 at 11:43 AM.

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    Well, I'm an old fashioned woman married to an old fashioned man. I look at being a SAHW as being my job and one I enjoy and am proud to have. It is my "job" to create a comfortable, clean and happy home for dh and our family. It is my "job" to make a hearty and healthy breakfast for him because he's out working his butt off all day to take care of his family financially. Where would we be without his hard work?

    *If* you have a strong faith in the Lord, I would suggest reading Proverbs 31 and you'll see that it really is your job to do these things and not only are you serving your family, but you're serving Him as well. But, just disregard this last paragraph if you're not religious.

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    Quote Originally Posted by elphie View Post
    I agree that it is my job as a SAHM to do these things, BUT... I told my husband that he gets a paycheck at the end of the week to let him know that someone notices and appreciates the work he does, he also has a clean house and supper on the table every night, and I tell him on a regular basis how much I appreciate his hard work. Since I don't get a paycheck the only external reward I get is his appreciation and it is nice to hear it every once in a while. He didn't really understand this until I spelled it out for him this way. He is much better about expressing it when he thinks a meal is particularly good or notices something I've done around the house.

    Now, all that being said a household is not a 9-5 job and I refuse to do absolutely everything around the house just because I stay at home. My dh understands this and knows that even though I do most things that doesn't mean he gets to relax every evening and weekend while I still have work to do. When we are both home we both pitch in so we can relax together.

    It sounds like you are both unhappy and maybe even depressed. I think you and dh need to sit down and have an honest discussion about what you both need. I have found that telling a man how you feel about something isn't nearly as effective in telling what he can do to prevent you from feeling this way. As much as I would like for dh to anticipate my needs that just isn't going to happen all the time. By the same token you have to be willing to listen to his needs as well. I have found it best to really think about what I want to say and approach the topic over a nice meal, usually on a weekend when dh isn't as tired.

    Good luck.
    I couldn't of said this any better if I typed it myself. That is just about what I had typed out, then decided to finish reading the posts.

    Also, appreciation needs to be BOTH ways!

    I greatly appreciate my husband for working hard to allow me to be at home with our children. And he appreciates me for what I DO at home everyday. My husband also does help our family out once he's home from work too.

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    Well since we are just all throwing it out there. This is how I look at my own situation. I stay home and take care of everything. I do however try to always make decisions about stuff with my husband. But it will never be even. I even held a night job and then babysat during the day and still did it all. I feel unappreciated sometimes. But like I said I came to the fact that it will never be even. So during the week, I try real hard to get it all done. So that by 6 we can talk, go to our own spaces, watch tv, and neither is doing anything. I take the my job thing better when he isn't sitting around watching me...lol... This also frees up my weekends, and we do things together or not... just free time. I also don't break my butt to get it all done in a second. hey it will be there tomorrow.. Always do the top stuff, so that it is presentable and food is done.
    About being depressed, maybe you are.. Maybe you need to take an hour a day and sit outside, read a book, pace your work. Pace your day and maybe you will feel better. Now he may be feeling the day to day blues too. Mine went through a feeling of going nowhere...and being over 40. But marriage is work like everything else.. Find you place and start to love it in someway.. Make that "your job" really your own.. Dance and sing, pray and be happy.. Good luck and keep us posted...and vent any time.. I am good for that too...

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