The battle in my mind
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  1. #1
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    Default The battle in my mind

    Right now I'm a WAHM (home daycare) so I can be home with our kids. I don't plan on going back to an outside job, as I feel my job is in the home, whether I make money or not. DH doesn't want me doing daycare for a long time, and agrees if and when we can swing it financially, I will stay at home.

    My battle is this: I feel there is high value with me staying home, but I am worried that my children won't value me as a SAHM when they are older, and that they won't feel empowered by me? My mother was always a SAHM and in my teen years I always asked her why she doesn't get a job since all her kids were old enough and I really struggled with feeling like she was spoiled to be home. I get it NOW. There is SO much value in staying home, and even as teens I feel they need their mother (not to mention the HOUSE needs her! lol). Neither of my parents remotely tried to explain it to me (it was always just "your Dad likes me at home." or "what would I do? I have no skills.").

    What are your thoughts? How do you stay at home and empower your children (in particular, I have a daughter, and I want her to truly know that she most certainly can do ANYTHING she wants, and doesn't need to follow in my footsteps)? How do you teach them the value in you being at home so that they understand it as well as they can?

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    I don't think they truly learn what you do until they are parents themselves.

    Is your DH planning on supporting you once the kids have left home? I would consider studying by distance education to give yourself something for when the kids have grown up.

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    Registered User LynnLC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brilly69 View Post

    Is your DH planning on supporting you once the kids have left home?
    Huh? Supporting her?! They are married...no one is "supporting" the other.

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    I think she just meant will the husband financially support her when the children are gone and she is no longer a SAHM.

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    Registered User CPA-Kim's Avatar
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    I think you said it beautifully in your post. Explain to your children how valuable being a SAHM is to them and to YOU! I think it's good to let them know women have choices and you want all your kids to pursue their dreams but, for your family, staying at home is part of the plan. Once your nest is empty, you have all the choices in front of you, including remaining at home.
    Kim
    The Lord will provide

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    Registered User Lora88's Avatar
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    I think she just meant will the husband financially support her when the children are gone and she is no longer a SAHM. Really so does that mean now that she is no longer home with the kids she should get out and get a jobe? What is she a salmon she spawns swims upstreams and dies? She is his wife not a live in room mate. I really cannot believe anyone would ask that question

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    What CPAKIM said.

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    Registered User lisaflex's Avatar
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    imho, being a mom and a wife are 2 of the hardest jobs for no monetary pay. that being said, I wouldn't (thank the lord we have been blessed) change a single thing.

    once they see friends who have working moms, they will understand even more once they are older. there is no right or wrong answer as many many moms work out of necessity.

    just keep stressing what a blessing it is that mommy is home.

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    Registered User CookieLee's Avatar
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    I don't know many women who are purely SAHMs during their entire children's childhoods. We all end up doing something else once all the kids are in school for 6+ hours a day. Still, being a SAHM with children in school is vital - mostly because there are summer breaks and all those other days off of school. We often find that even if we have some sort of job, it also really helps to have a very flexible schedule.

    I tried working off and on while my DD was in elementary school. It didn't work out because she felt at loose ends and would start acting out. Now that she is 12 and beyond daycare, she handles me having a part-time job (16 to 20 hours a week and I can be home when she gets off the bus) very well. We have both matured. I also volunteer at the local hospital gift shop while she is in school. When she isn't in school she comes with me and helps me out - which she loves. She also comes with me to the office job sometimes and earns a bit of money of her own.

    In short, being a SAHM doesn't mean you won't be busy! There will be plenty of opportunities to volunteer, pursue your own creative interests, take a class if that is what you want, work part-time or start your own small business - and much more.

    I always advice young moms that if you can only be a SAHM once during your child's childhood, then be a SAHM when they are teenagers. That is when there is no daycare so they are pretty much on their own and opportunities to get into trouble abound. When they are young teens and not able to drive, they need a ride and you'll prefer it be you instead of some older teenager with a fresh license. And teenagers don't tend to talk unless the mood strikes. You want to be there when they are in the mood. If you're at work, you might miss some important opportunities.

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    Registered User LynnLC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giro View Post
    I think she just meant will the husband financially support her when the children are gone and she is no longer a SAHM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lora88 View Post
    "I think she just meant will the husband financially support her when the children are gone and she is no longer a SAHM." Really so does that mean now that she is no longer home with the kids she should get out and get a jobe? What is she a salmon she spawns swims upstreams and dies? She is his wife not a live in room mate. I really cannot believe anyone would ask that question
    I think you meant to quote Giro, Lora.

    I agree, Lora. So when the kids are grown he gets to DECIDE if he will continue "supporting" her? Say what? I can't believe that's even a question either...

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    Registered User seattleLMP's Avatar
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    Your kids may never even think that way. My mom SAH until my younger sister left home. It was really weird to me when she got a job after over 20 years of SAH. Even though I have never wanted to do that myself. It was even weirder when my dad got a job outside the home for a couple of years. I was always used to both of them just being there.

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    To those who have lived in perfect relationships, perhaps I should explain. Things change! People get divorced, or suffer the empty nest syndrome, or just get sick of being a SAHM. Investing in an education is what many parents encourage their children to do, so what is wrong with suggesting this to a SAHM? Not every husband will necessarily want to financially support their wife once the children have left home. The wife may also want to earn some money and help the husband get out of debt (yes, debt is something that happens too!).

    To those who responded with such a narrow mind, her DH doesn't want her doing daycare for a long time! Who made him the boss, they are married! Just something for you to think about.

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    Registered User Lora88's Avatar
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    Sorry if my post was unclear I have nothing against a higher education knowledge is awesome in any circumstance. I have been divorced and am well aware that not all relationships last. I am far from narrow minded if that is what you are implying. I simply was saying how can anyone ask such a ridiculous question? Will your husband still support you after your kids are grown? What is she a salmon who spawns swims upstream and dies? Dont know what kind of men some of you have known or been with but I damn sure wouldnt be with them.

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    Agree 100% with CookieLee- especially the teen bit!

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    Registered User LynnLC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brilly69 View Post
    To those who have lived in perfect relationships, perhaps I should explain. Things change! People get divorced, or suffer the empty nest syndrome, or just get sick of being a SAHM. Investing in an education is what many parents encourage their children to do, so what is wrong with suggesting this to a SAHM? Not every husband will necessarily want to financially support their wife once the children have left home. The wife may also want to earn some money and help the husband get out of debt (yes, debt is something that happens too!).

    To those who responded with such a narrow mind, her DH doesn't want her doing daycare for a long time! Who made him the boss, they are married! Just something for you to think about.
    Your first post never mentioned divorce, things changing, the stay at home parent wanting to seek education etc. That would be a different situation. Obviously.

    You wrote: Not every husband will necessarily want to financially support their wife once the children have left home.
    It doesn't matter if it's a husband, a wife, 2 wives, 2 husbands ... it's called marriage. If one decides to stop "supporting" the other then there are bigger problems.

    What do childless couples do? Put the other one out on the streets because they are not earning their keep?

    Also, I am not narrow minded nor do I live in a perfect little world in America...although pretty damn close.

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