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Thread: Any rail road wives out there?
08-16-2015, 10:46 AM #1
Any rail road wives out there?
I am a stay at home wife and my DH works as a conductor on the RR. I am interested in finding other wives out that that may have a DH that works shift work jobs and find out how they handle that kind of life style.
I noticed another thread about being a stay at wive that kind of died off. I find staying at home to be nice but the way I am being asked to stay at home is very isolating. I would love to have others to connect with if you are out there.
08-16-2015, 04:40 PM #2
I have been a S.A.H.M. for years. DH has traveled. Sometimes 3 weeks at a time to Bermuda on a past job,come home 2 days and go again. The kids were in high school by that time I think or at least middle school.
He has also had a job at home where he worked 80 hr.s in the bsmt. but we couldnt disturb him for security reasons for the govt.
Currently,he is back working at home but on a revolving shift. 9-7 one week,10-8 last week,meeting until past 10 a few days ago.
It was always like being a single parent-running everything,making all the parenting decisions but w/ his income. He complained it was like being a guest in his own life. I just learned to be alone. This board has helped.
08-16-2015, 04:57 PM #3
with DH railroad job he is on shift work...but never the same shift. They get put in a pool and get call out as they become available for work again. when they are off a shift they can not be called again for 12 hours. So for example, last week he got called on duty at 3 am. and traveled out of town. the shift is 12 hours. so about 3 in the afternoon he may have gotten to the hotel where railroaders stay. then he could be called on duty again no sooner than 3 am...but it may be much later depending on the line up of trains. he then could be back home by around 3 or 4 in the afternoon if all went like clock work...which it never does.
so then the next time on duty could be noon...he has to continue to log on to the company web site to see where he sits in the pool. It is irritating to never be off work really. They are allowed to lay of 3 week days a month and 2 week end days a month but must maintain at least 100 hours in a month or face disciplinary actions.
He complains of sleep issues which is legitimate...but seems to think I, living the same life as him...should not have any sleep issues. but I do. I am up when he is at home and up. I don't sleep well when he is gone...he thinks I just should sleep...well one can not just make oneself sleep. and while I am not having to do a dangerous job while being tired...sleep deprived is still sleep deprived.
Any suggestions or stories to share of similar issues. I would love to hear them.
How are things now with you and your spouse...kids all grown and gone? Mine likes me to stay put when he is gone and stay with him when he is home. so I feel a bit like a caged kat. That's why I reached out to this forum for someone to talk to. My adult children can only take so much of me until I believe they just ignore my texts for a while.
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08-16-2015, 05:34 PM #4
well,I wish i could so great but Dh got laid off/job went overseas after 8 yrs. -abruptly about 6 months ago. He is doing contract work w/ little life ins. and we are paying for COBRA @ $1602. a month. He lost his job 6 months ago and really hasn't adjusted well. The tension is always there. He is working in the bsmt. and i have to adjust my noise levels. The contract ends in Dec.so we start allover again I guess. We are getting too old for this.
My Ds is also in the Army stationed in Kuwait and about to move to Egypt. So that is elevating the stress. DD still lives at home and that grinds at times w/ the I want my independence but cant afford it vs I do comment because you are here fight.
Stupidly,we thought by this time we'd be alone and set.lol/hahahahhaha!
I don't work and am trying to get a handle on what my role is. I just started volunteering at an animal rescue.
Dh would never try to control my time. I do try to make myself available because we are the glue IMHO.
08-16-2015, 06:48 PM #5
I remember being a army wife. That was definitely a tough one. You are doing well holding it all together. That insurance premium is stunning. How often do you get to talk to your Ds? that is a hard one as well. I hope working with animals provides you with some good feelings.
I entered into this relationship asked to stay at home and help take care of my DH as he finds focusing hard because of lack of sleep so that he could go out to work safely as possible. It then turned into selling my car to help the finances which I was ok with. it does limit my ability to get groceries or go to appointments.
I am a bit peeved at the moment. DH went out on duty last night, got a call at 9 pm. Prior to that he tried to take a nap around 6 pm. asked if I wanted to lay down with him. I said what is it you would want? he said to lay down with him. I guess I fell asleep and snored. keeping him awake. He was mad at me because I keep him from napping. My thought was why not wake me and ask me to move to another room so he could sleep? I didn't know I was snoring...I was asleep. but instead...I guess it made sense to him to just get angry....If I try to say anything it is in his mind starting an argument so all I say is I am sorry and I will not keep you from getting rest in the future. My thinking is I will not nap with him if he is needing to be heading to work. Just give him that time alone incase I might snore again.
the things he gets upset about at times seem so trivial especially in compairison to say...your situation...others have things much harder then he and I but he just does not seem to be able to handle any stressors.
He has had some health issues. Shingles being the latest. Still working on getting over those and it's been 5 months. He is very irritable with that and coming off medication for it has left him even more irritable. lots of headaches and body aches. I do what I can to help him feel better. He holds a very negative out look on life in general.
I am thankful to have found this site. Just getting this out has help relieve some stress.
would you be working with horses....I lived on a farm as a girl and found talking to the horses and my dogs very helpful. I really do hope that the animal rescue provides you some peace of mind.
thanks for listening.
08-16-2015, 11:31 PM #6
Actually I don't care for horses. I know.I know. Dh is the horse person. I love cats and dogs. I have always had animals. We have a horse therapy place that is down the road a bit that works w/ special needs kids but I am not suited to work w/ either.
Sounds like things have piled for you guys too. Shingles is a horribly debilitating thing and having to work while you have it sounds horrible. Having said that though I must tell you I wouldn't be his wastebasket for anger issues and disappointments. My DH had a very serious accident 11 yrs ago and they had to rebuild his ankle. He has bad pain often because his leg swells big,I'm mean big!
Heat makes it worse. He occasionally takes pain killers when it gets unbearable.
They change your personality as does being in pain. Anyway,sometimes we just say to each other: I am not fit for company and I need to be alone. Dh now sleep in our Ds's former room on those nights. You have to do what works.
I don't know you,all of your situation or your hubby but I do know that you should only agree to what you want to agree w/. If you want a car and to work you should. I also think that couples gets into ruts and treat each other worse than they might treat an enemy or a stranger on the street. I was raised to assume combat and had to learn to just say things gently. Dh was raised in abuse and things mean more when I yell. He didnt understand the concept of a harmless disagreement.
You can pm and talk too. Plus we gab a lot over on the TO DO thread.
I hear from Ds about 1x a month. and then its rare to talk very long. Mostly the connection is bad. I haven't seen him since Christmas. And yes sometimes its so hard I think my brain will explode. I told him he might as well be on Mars to me.
I facebook friended him but the connections there for any technology are bad.
And sometimes he just cant say when I ask things. Also the time difference is 7 hrs. ahead.
08-17-2015, 01:22 AM #7
how your raised makes a difference for sure. I had good parents. I am the last of 10. all still with us. I am pretty close to my family. Dh says his parents were awful. He has three sisters and an older brother who died in a car accident when DH was 15. He says he had to watch as a young boy his father abuse his brother. This makes him very sad when he talks about it. He had two marriages prior and no kids. He is 52 now and is sad when he talks about missing out on kids. I have three kids from previous relationships. We first met in Highschool and dated. then life took us other places. 30 years later we are together again.
he can be very sweet and loving and funny. His work and health and past get in his way of being happy. I know that is true of a lot of us...he actually gets immobile from them at times.
I love love love dogs. I like cats. I hope in a few years we can be in a home that we can maybe have a dog again.
it is good advice to get and give space when it's needed. I have to work on that some. I like to help but hovering is not helping so I have to make an effort to back down from hugging, or touching when he is in a crabby mood. it just doesn't help.
I will check out the other thread. see what's cooking over there.
Not being able to talk to your kids is very very hard...try to keep all that grey matter inside, and take some deep breaths and maybe a comforting beverage...when you feel like you might explode. I hope he comes home to you soon.
08-17-2015, 09:12 AM #8
sorry to hear of your DH's trauma at a young age. People try to believe it doesnt effect them and its over but the reality is it still effects every decision they make and how they act in general. The quicky answer is seek treatment but lost time is lost and those who werent nurtured as small kids generally lack the ability to be nuturing.
If you have the gift of a large family I suggest you spend as much time as you can while he's gone. Make sure he knows you arent abandoning him but that women need to socialize. That can only make you better for him. DH has never tried to isolate me thank goodness.
I was wondering if you could consider volunteering w/ horses?
No hovering is not helping and sometimes just the sound of someones voice when your in pain is too much. I just tell hubby well,I'll leave you alone but if you need anything let me know.Stupidly,we talk on the phone inter-house. It started because I could text questions and not interrupt his meetings. Now we do it via diff. levels
Ds will never come home again. He said even when he is done in 2 yrs. he may live in Colorado where he was stationed before this. He loves the outdoors and the mts. really were a hit w/ him.I do know what you meant though. He should be here again to visit at Christmas.