Back in the club again!

09-09-2007, 03:21 PM

Well, with DH's layoff we're back in the one income club again, though hopefully not for long.

Just wondering if anyone has some advice on how to adjust to having a SAHD - honestly, we have cut our expenses a lot in the past few months thinking that this might happen, and we've got a pretty good handle on the money part. What I'm having a harder time with the the household stuff.

We agreed to keep our daycare slot of 2 days per week. She's awesome, DS loves her and it gives him interactions with other children (he's an only child right now), and I don't want to lose our slot and not be able to get it back. My MIL was watching him the other three days, now it will be DH - although I'm sure that he'll end up at Nana's at least once a week for at least a morning or so.

I guess what I'm having a hard time with is trying to work around that since he's not working, I expect him to do more cooking and cleaning. Honestly, he didn't do hardly anything last time he was unemployed, but since he was in a sort of depression-like state, I didn't really push it (we also didn't have a baby last time!). I don't want to be a nag, and we've had some preliminary conversations - but does anyone have advice on how they've handled something like this? Chore charts just seem kind of dumb to me. Maybe lists or something might work.

Also - what would you consider reasonable to expect him to do? We rent, so there's no yardwork to be done. But dishes, laundry, general cleaning, dinner on the table...plus taking care of DS....

**Marie78** · 09-09-2007, 08:13 PM

Those chores sound like reasonable requests to me, as long as your Dh is home. I have been unemployed 2x in the last 2 years and I will take over the bulk of the domestic duties when this happens. My fiance is a Graduate student and on his down time from school, he takes over more cooking, cleaning (especially dishes and vacuuming).

**my4littlebuffaloes** · 09-09-2007, 08:48 PM

My dh is a teacher and has breaks plus summers off. When we only had 1 I was working very long hours. he took care of ds, was in grad school, did yard work, basic cleaning, and had dinner basically ready when I walked in the door. I don't think it is too much to expect for him to keep things neat, have dinner almost ready, etc. Keep in mind he will be taking care of Owen, which some days are good and some days are bad when you have little kids. Good luck!

**jamie79** · 09-09-2007, 11:25 PM

I think its time to have a "Come to Jesus" talk with him about it all. If need be daily leave a list of things for him to do.

**shadomoon** · 09-09-2007, 11:59 PM

Since most men want to feel like they are being useful and want to fix a problem, I would suggest giving him one thing at a time to fix or feel useful and not an everyday kind of thing.
Something more along the lines of cleaning out the garage/shed/closet
Or fixing something that is broken

Then praise him profusely when you see it is done. This might help him get out of funk from the job layoff and feeling unworthy.

**Bethany** · 09-10-2007, 03:01 PM

I think he should do everything. When I'm home with the kids, I literally do everything, and I totally don't mind because if my husband's at work, he's not here to do it! I think if you're organized, you can get all the chores done with the kids.

**lwlynch** · 09-10-2007, 03:17 PM

I don't know. When my husband was layed off, I didn't push too much, cause it is very depressing for them. It is a pride thing. I just was happy that my husband took care of my daughter, the other stuff. Cooking, cleaning, and laundry kinda got done, when it got done. It is only temporary. Now if it was a full time stay at home, I would consider chore list. As for dinner, I just made it as easy to help. Like leaving a casserole.
This of course is just my opinion.

**baxjul** · 09-10-2007, 04:17 PM

I would have to say that he could do all of the household chores. Make dinner, do laundry, general pick ups, grocery shopping...

**StartingOver** · 09-10-2007, 04:29 PM

When my DH was without a job for 18 months, he totally went thru a state of depression and it was quite a blow to his ego.

I hated to ask him to do a ton of other things as he was working so hard at finding other employment. I just asked that he keep the house picked up, put dishes in the dishwasher, and have dinner started etc....I did not want him to do the laundry for me. If I had an exact list, he would do the grocery shopping.

Just having those small things done for me, made a huge difference.

**Lorelei** · 09-10-2007, 04:50 PM

I think it depends on how much he's doing with Owen and how much time he's spending on job-hunting. If he's using Owen's daycare breaks to look for a job, then he's, in effect, "working" two days a week.

What would you do if the situation were reversed and you were the one home? Pretty much what you both would expect if it were Mommy home should be what should happen with Daddy home, IMHO.

**annymoll** · 09-11-2007, 07:57 AM

Originally Posted by Lorelei

What would you do if the situation were reversed and you were the one home? Pretty much what you both would expect if it were Mommy home should be what should happen with Daddy home, IMHO.

My thoughts exactly.

**freerangers** · 10-05-2007, 05:16 PM

While I agree that he can and should do quite a bit around the house and fix most of, if not all of, supper during his time at home-- I think that 'leaving him a list' is a bit childish and talking 'down' to him. Maybe a better idea would be having a specific conversation about this whole thing and talking with what things he'd like to do AND making clear what things would help you the most.

You're a team, a family...what can y'all both do to help the household run smoothly?

I second the comment made that taking care of baby comes first and some days not much is going to get done beyond that lol, such is life.

~~

**jlaporte** · 10-06-2007, 02:49 PM

leave the pride at the door. if he is going to be home and you will be working he,then needs to pick up the slack. if you were home you would be doing it. hey the stuff is not gonna get done on its own. you 2 need to sit down and talk about it. yes pride is a big factor but then so is the well being of your family unit.if it is fair for you then it will be fair for him.

**PrairieRose** · 10-06-2007, 06:06 PM

I don't think it's at all unreasonable for him to do the things you'd be doing if you were at home. I'm sure he'll be hesitant at first but he should take up the slack as time goes on. I think it might make him appreciate what sahm's do as well

. Sort of like that "THAT's what I do all day!" commercial.

**Its_Donna** · 10-06-2007, 06:07 PM

DH has been in school but now that he is out for the next couple weeks waiting on training for the new job I will just ask him if he would do me a "favor" and do this or run and get that....ya know...the yard work has always been his to do so that's not a problem. I'm sure your DH will be glad to help out. Just ask for "favors".