Step-Daughter
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Thread: Step-Daughter

  1. #1

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    Default Step-Daughter

    Hi,

    I married a man who has two adult children. The son is okay, but the daughter, who is married and 34 has some problems. I met my husband about three years after he was divorced (2004). His former wife married a man who died six months after they were married.
    My step daughter is furious with my husband because we did not attend the second husband's funeral. It has been about three years since the second husband died, we have not gotten any birthday cards, Father Day cards nor Christmas cards, she has not spoken or acknowledged us since that funeral. Also, my husband had a near fatal accident this past June, the daughter never called to see how he was doing, remind you this is her real father.

    Last night we ran into my step daughter and her husband, at first they ignored us, but on the way out, my husband stopped to shake his son-in-law's hand and acknowledged his daughter, nothing was said to my husband and no contact was made today.

    I feel very intense whenever I see my step daughter, not knowing how to treat her. How would you handle this situation?
    Thank you
    Last edited by auntbopera; 08-13-2008 at 04:13 PM.

  2. #2
    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
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    You are an outsider to this dynamic. Clearly, it's not a healthy dynamic, but since you are an outsider, all you can do appropriately is offer support for your husband.

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    I would agree with Greebo. Your step daughter is an adult and is obviously making her own decisions. If your DH and his ex have a friendly relationship, perhaps she (the ex) would speak to the daughter. Her anger is very unhealthy.

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    Registered User GM97's Avatar
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    You are angry because you love your husband and you know that he is not getting the proper respect that he should be getting from his daughter. I encourage you to fully support your husband since your stepdaughter is already an adult.

    May I ask if it is proper to attend the funeral? Was he invited in the wedding? Is your husband and his ex-wife on speaking terms?

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    Default More explanations

    The only time my husband talks to his former wife, is if he runs into her on the street. The son has asked his mother to find out why the daughter is treating her father so poorly, and the former wife has stated "it is between them, not me." The former wife and daughter are very close and any relationship to the my husband may be a threat to the former wife.

  7. #6
    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
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    Very toxic relationship dynamic there. Definitely stay uninvolved!

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    I wounld not get involved in the problem......... It seems like it is all onesided......... The daughter needs to grow up....... her parents divorced they both remarried. I would not attend my ex's wife furneral unless invited. I get along fine with them. Good luck I hope things get better for you husband with his daughter
    Fern

  9. #8
    Registered User FrugalMomof3's Avatar
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    Personally I wouldnt get involved really, you are considered the outsider on all this BUT I dont think your DH should have went to the funeral.... he wasnt related or even an acquaintance of this gentlemen, he was his EX-WIFE's husband UNLESS this man was a friend but if for instance my DH's ex-wife passed away I wouldnt attend her funeral, I have no relationship to her what-so-ever.

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    I think it's weird she would want her dad to go to his funeral. I don't get it. Honestly, if my husbands ex wife died, hell would freeze over before he'd even "consider" attending hers, let alone her husbands. I live in a blended family and I know what it's like to have a selfish stepdaughter. I'd stay out of it and let her live her life and you and your dh live yours.
    Last edited by Missourimom; 08-13-2008 at 06:03 PM.

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    Registered User Megareader's Avatar
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    Do we have the same step daughter? It sounds like they could be twins!!

    My advice is to stay out of the situation. Be supportive of your dh if he wants to talk to you about it but other than that...mums the word!

  12. #11
    Registered User Missy's Avatar
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    Well, I am "that" daughter in my family. I won't go into it, because it would be a lot of finger pointing with out his being able to defend himself. I have zero respect for my own father. Again, i won't go into it.

    If my stepmother came late in the game and tried to make me have a relationship with him i'd go ballistic. It's between he and I. There's no reason for me to try. He's not shown any interest either.

    If i were asked, I would prefer to live my life the way I am, and not be pulled into the situation that estranged us in the first place again. Support your hubby for how he is with and to you. Realize that his relationship with his daughter is a seperate entity. That relationship didn't make you fall in love with him and it shouldn't stop or interfere with the relationship you have with him now.

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    I read all the posts and agree with all of you. There are too many dynamics that I can not bring into this forum, because it would become a book. I must state, that my husband has always been a very loving man to his daughter and has remembered her birthdays and other events.

    The part that bothers me about all of this is: Tell us what we did wrong, or tell him what he did wrong. We have no clue and given a reason would help, instead of a guessing game.

    I want to stay removed from the situation, but not knowing why I am being shunned or why we are being shunned bothers me.

    If I am not a part of the problem, then don't treat me as if I were. I am a separate entity from him.
    Last edited by auntbopera; 08-14-2008 at 09:26 AM.

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    I should state that, I think my step daughter is upset with us about not attending her step father's funeral, but I am only guessing.

    She came around when I first moved into her dad's house and things were okay, until the funeral incident. The relationship between father and daughter was not good before I came.

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    hmmm, I say stay well out of the situation (she is an adult and reality is that you mean nothing to her) It's a sad sad situation that one small decision could affect his life so profoundly.

    I do understand why she might be a little bit upset about him not attending the funeral and I also completely understand why he didn't. Lets face it - how awkward to turn up to your ex wifes new partnemrs funeral (especially if things aren't that amicable anymore) you wouldn't know what sort of reception you would recieve, really it could have started a fight or been quite nasty - or nobody would have cared and there is no way to tell.

    On the other hand, daughter was obviously hurting over the death and I assume ath the mum was of little comfort because she was grieving herself, perhapse she just thought taht she needed her dad there for support?

    Having said all that it was one little mistake and I could almost guarentee that even though hubby did nothing wrong, he has probably appologised for hurting her.

    I'd say that this is way more then the funeral incident and DSD has a lot more issues, for one things she sure knows how to hold a grudge!

    I think that the only thing that you can do is support your husband in the best way you know how and be some one who is on his side no matter what, his daughter will either come around or not - let me tell you though it is her loss if she chooses to live this way.
    Last edited by missmanny; 08-14-2008 at 07:03 PM.

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    Registered User nvmommyx6's Avatar
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    My current hubby's daughter is 19 now and she has always been, how should I say, not nice!
    I raised her for the last 7 years and she hardly once showed me any respect, I know this was due to fear of someone else doing to her what her mother had and so I have taken most of it with a grain of salt!
    My Granmother used to say, "kill them with kindness" and I have implimented this into that particular relationship, it has worked well for me, no matter what the situation I am as nice as I could possibly be to her and ignore the crap she pulls!
    It piss' her off for sure, however, the crap she pulls stopped after she realized I would not let her push my buttons!
    Hope this will help, even if only a little! Good luck!
    Mommy

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