Need some advice..
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  1. #1

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    Unhappy Need some advice..

    Im only 19. I am married to a wonderful man who is 23. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. Whom he didnt know about until after we got together. So i have been with him since the day he found out his Ex was pregnant. We have his daughter every other weekend. He gets his daughter from his ex by myself every other thursday. I feel so jealous of that. I wouldnt feel so bad if someone else was there. Its not that i dont trust my husband because i do. I dont trust her. And i dont like her at all. His daughter means the world to me and i love her as if she were my own. Im currently pregnant myself and i also feel like my husband will not want as much to do with our son as he currently does his daughter. I have told him how i feel and he just tells me i shouldnt feel that way because he loves me and loves our son already. But still i cant get rid of this feeling of jealousy and hatred for his ex. I dont want to feel this way anymore but i dont know what i can do to change it.

  2. #2
    Registered User PplAmanda's Avatar
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    Does he also drop his daughter off alone? Or does the EX pick her up? Are you leary of a the relationship between your husband and his ex OR are you just wanting to be there when pickup is occuring? Ask yourself WHY you are feeling the way you are. I don't have any answers for you, but just do some soul searching.

  3. #3
    Registered User thesightofoneself's Avatar
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    i think the true question is, has he done anything to deserve this mistrust?

    why do you feel that he would love his daughter more then his son? both are his children

    if you dont learn to trust him, you're going to push him away

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  5. #4

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    I hope you can come to terms with your insecurities. Once your own child is born, you will probably be better able to cope.

    If DH has not earned your mistrust, you may want to seek out someone with whom you can talk about your issues. You don't want to drive him away or put him in a position of having to defend himself every time he picks up his daughter. There is a reason the mother of that child is now his ex.

  6. #5
    Super Moderator Spirit Deer's Avatar
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    Unless he's giving you a reason not to trust him, you can practice yourself out of having these feelings. When you start to get angry about it, stop and ask if you have a reason. If you don't have any reason, then it's on you, not him or her, to get yourself over it. Keep practicing letting the bad feelings go and eventually, you will learn not to have such a negative reaction. Learn to let the little stuff go, too. Most things are just not worth working yourself up over, and habitual over-reaction to small irritants is a sure-fire way to become the next ex.

    You may not like his ex, but you MUST make your peace with her. Her daughter is your son's sister, and you all must co-exist peacefully for the sake of that sibling relationship. She's your husband's child and always will be. It's unfair and unrealistic to expect him to ignore that child in favor of yours with him. You also don't want to make your husband feel like he's stuck in the middle of two cat-fighting women. Put the children first and you may find it easier to deal with the situation.

    Good luck.

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    If you have no reason to mistrust him; then you shouldn't. You say you trust him; but not her. She can't do anything by herself. My husband was married a looooong time ago and a girlfriend used to say aren't you jealous of the previous wife; I said no he divorced her and married me!! Your husband is going to love both children; people don't have limited love for children. Its not like the more children you have the less love you have for them. Please please work on this for yourself. Not trusting him will wear and tear on your relationship until you ruin it.

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    Registered User Momto2Boyz's Avatar
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    I think your worring about him not loving his son as much as his daughter is the same feeling we all have when we have multiple children. It's just a little bit of a different situation.

    When I was pregnant with our second son, DH and I both worried about how we could love our second child as much as our first. It sounds silly to us now, but they were real fears we had then. We knew our first son so well, and loved him and wondered if we would ever be able to love our second son as much.

    Well, of course we love him just as much as our first, and now our fears seem irrational. It sounds to me, like you have the same worry about your hubby. But trust me, he will love his son just as much as he loves his daughter. Our ability to love unconditionally, has an amazing capacity when it comes to our own children.

    Try to work through your trust issues with your hubby. It'll be best for both of you if you can find a way to get past them!

  9. #8
    Registered User Cricketlegs's Avatar
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    If you can't cope with a man who has a child then don't have a relationship with a man who has a child.

    Would you rather he be a deadbeat who didn't care? I don't think so.

    I am a stepmom and my dh is a stepdad. We both have Ex-es.

    The fact is that your dh's ex will always be in your life because she is the mother of your dhs child and she will be the grandmother of his grandchildren.

    You have to get over it or move on.

    Frankly I perfer not to have contact with dhs ex. I always butted out. Works great!

    Oh and dh and I have a child together and there are no problems.

    Love isn't measured, it doesn't run out, or play favorites. It just is. A blended family is STILL family.

  10. #9

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    It could also be that part of the cause for these strong feelings are pregnancy hormones... just a thought. I find that I am always a little more jealous when I am pregnant.

    Sarah is right about him loving both children, though: love multiplies, not divides. He still has plenty of room in his heart for his son, no matter how much he loves his daughter. You'll be surprised how you can love a second child (or third or fourth...) just as much as the first one.

    If his going to pick up his daughter from his ex alone bothers you, is there any way you can go with him? Or would that just cause more problems?

    Basically, you need to ask yourself honestly whether your fears are rational and have any basis in fact. If they are not, you'll have to decide to trust him, unless/until you have a legitimate reason to believe he shouldn't be trusted. (Having had a relationship before you came along does not count as a "legitimate reason.")

    I think we all go through feelings of jealousy at least once in a marriage. We're human, after all. IME, the best remedy is to reject the thoughts (don't entertain them, do something that takes your mind off it), and when he gets home, greet him with a little extra love (the specifics depend on whether the two of you are alone or not, lol). If you feel loved, and you know he feels loved, then you're less likely to have room for those jealous feelings.

    HTH!

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