Have no idea what to do next (long)
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  1. #1
    Registered User pop goes the weasel's Avatar
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    Default Have no idea what to do next (long)

    From my other posts you'll know that I have a step daughter that has lived with us since she was 12 due to her mother being and addict and basically unfit living conditions. She is now 15 and making teen years sound more like terror years. Up until last year things were going great. Afew problems but nothing that wasn't unusal. Then the defiance and rudeness started. In august she went to see her grandmother out of state for three weeks. she knew the rules here were to be followed there also. Help around the house, pick up after herself ect. Normal stuff. After she got back things started changing. Things were moved or came up missing. My EF fund was missing almost 50 dollars. We asked her and she denied having anything to do with it. Food we got for something special would be gone and then one morning I noticed things on the computer were gone. she has access to the computer only if we are home and can make sure what she's doing. She isn't allowed on My Space because of the people she was talking with. Last week we found out that she was sneaking down in the middle of the night to get onto MySpace on the nights I would be downloading things. I was able to get into her account and found she was using her real name, had her real address and phone number in there. Now keep in mind it only took me about a minute to get into her account and I am by no means a computer whiz. By the time it was all over and done with we found out that she had been running around unsupervised with a 20 year old and his friends and also had sex at least once. All the time she is lieing saying it was true. She finally owned up to everything. We are at our wits end. What short of giving birth control just to be safe can we do. I feel that is the wrong road to go but we can't trust her. (She isn't pregnant thank heavens).We have bent over backwards trying to make a decent life for her but we haven't went overboeard and she has had privilages taken from her. She says she doesn't care. Thanks for listening or rather reading. I know this to will pass but I don't want it to end in disaster.

  2. #2
    Registered User 2ndGenGranola's Avatar
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    It sounds like Dad needs to step in and lay down the law.

    Our house alarm chirps every time a window or door is opened. Any shape or form of internet can be disabled during "off hours" or there are programs you can install that will disable it (don't know the name but a friend had one).

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    Registered User justpeachy92's Avatar
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    If she is still attempting to have a relationship with this guy, have him over to the house and have a talk with both of them. Point out your concerns, and that there are things far worse than an unplanned pregnancy that can come from having unprotected sex. I have a 15 year old daughter also, and I would not put her on birthcontrol at this point in time, unless her doctor felt she needed it for reasons other than pregnancy prevention. During this talk I would it would also be made known that if a sexual relationship continues between the two of them charges will be made, and that this man will be forever known as a registered sexual offender, a label that will determine what types of jobs he can have in the future, determine if he can chaperone any future childrens' field trips, etc. If this man loves your daughter he will wait for her to be an adult to continue an adult relationship with her, and if your daughter loves him, she should also be willing wait to continue said relationship. As for the computer issues I would have the computer downloading stuff during the day when my daughter was at school, and password protect the computer.

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    Registered User pop goes the weasel's Avatar
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    Well her dad has tried everything we can think of so he does try. I have since locked down the computer when we are not using it. I have dial up and it takes so long to download. That's why I would do it at night.She seems to dwell on the fact that she had a sucky life before coming here and she has her mother on a pedestal even though she doesn't see her except maybe and hour a year. Her mother told her that if she lived with us she'd never see her again or pay any support. And she has lived up to her promise. Everything she wrote in the profile on My Space was a lie. This is why we can't trust her because we don't know when she's telling the truth. This guy lives out of state and oddly enough he's theone that toldus about her having sex..........with someone else. Swears he's never touched her. We have talked to her and so has the dr but it doesn't seem to make a difference. She seems like she'sout to ruin her life before it even starts.

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    If things and money are missing from the home, could drugs be involved?

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    Registered User pop goes the weasel's Avatar
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    No I don't think there are drugs.That was my first thought too. I think sheuses the money in school for extras like juices and pop. If she has a six pack of pop she drinks it til it's gone and wants more. The same with food. She gets good grades in school and we haven't seen or found any evidence of drugs. I'm sorry but I'm ready to ship her back to her mother since she thinks so highly of her. I now it sounds bad and she'd be on drugs and pregnant within the first month there.

  8. #7
    jas
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    are there any other children in the house? Just wondering or is she an only child? I know that sending her back to her mother is tempting, like you said though that she would just descend into a bad lifesyle much quicker with no supervision at all.

    Sounds like one thing she needs to get off of is the soda pop. If she wants it bad enought to steal for it. Don't buy anymore for the house, or if you and dh want it keep it away from her. She will probably be real crabby getting off of it but better than trying to kick a drug habit or even cigs. (been there done that).

    I am sure you and dh have many ideas, it just takes a lot of will power on both your parts to keep at it with her. If in the end she has to go back to mom you will have given it your best shot. She has to participate in it too and want some positive changes in her life or the second she turns 18 she will be gone and when she totally messes up she will, of course, expect you and dh to pick of the pieces of her bad choices.

    About her getting on the pill, I am certainly not for it. The only thing is she does not seem to care enough or have enough maturity to use any protection at all. Like you said having a baby is not the only life altering thing that can happen and stay with you a lifetime. Some can even kill you left untreated.

    Sorry I don't have anything to add that others haven't already said.
    hugs to you and dh.

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    Registered User pop goes the weasel's Avatar
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    One thing that is never in the house is soda amd junkfood. If dh wants some we'll get a bottle on the way home from work and it's gone by the time we get home. It's all or nothing with her in everythng she does. I know her earlier upbringing was awful but am I wrong to think that the "poor me my parents were divorced and my mother is a drunk and an addict" excuse is no reason to do the things she is doing? I don't think that"s a reason to go and do things right or wrong. I realize it's hard to see the big picture when you're young but there has to be a time to be responsible for you actions. We have tried to instill this in her but it goes in one ear and out the other. I know when she's 18 she will go running off to her mother because she thinks it will be the same as when she visits. All fun and games no supervision. By then she will be an adult and will have to be responsible whether or not she's ready for it. I guess all we can do is do the best we can. Thanks for the suggestions.

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    jas
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    looks like she will be in for a rude awakening when she turns 18. The world will not cater to her.

  11. #10
    Registered User pop goes the weasel's Avatar
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    That's exactly what we said to the very word. I just couldn't think how to say it on here lol. Sometimes my brain knows what to say but it never reaches my mouth or fingers right. It's her way or no way according toher. But not here.

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    Registered User Rosebush3's Avatar
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    Have you taken her for councelling or therapy? Can you put the computer in your room so you can download things without her getting on it?
    I think she should go on birth control, she's making decisions without you. She's had sex knowing you didn't approve, she likely will again. She doesn't need a baby at 15. I am definitely against what she might choose as an option if she does get pregnant, she doesn't need to go through that either.
    She needs help, she needs to talk with someone qualified to help her. She needs that now. Sending her back to her mother will likely ruin her life, you have the chance to help her.
    You could delete her MySpace, but with access to internet at schools and libraries and friends' houses, she could easily make another. You can tell her she needs to take out her real name and address.
    Let her know you've moved your EF to the bank where it can't be touched anymore (whether you actually do or not). If she needs money, help her learn to find ways to make money. Just don't give up on her right now, she needs you and it doesn't sound like it's going to be easy. It may not even work in the end, but in the end you'll at least be able to face yourself knowing you did all you could for this girl.

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    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
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    What more can be taken away from her privilege wise? Make it gone.

    Remove all cash from the house. Debit card only, on your person at all times. No cash even in the wallets or purses, so it can't be stolen.

    Connector cables from the computer removed at night. No computer access at all. Her way or no way is fine - "NO WAY it is". No way she gets to use YOUR stuff with HER attitude.

    Thus sayeth the childless expert.

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    Registered User pop goes the weasel's Avatar
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    Well every privilage known to man has been taken. The money is locked up safe and sound I have the only key and it's with me all the time. She won't talk to anyone, we've tried. We have a small house so I can usually tell if something is amiss. I have locked down the computer and have mouse with the money. One nice thing the school has only school programs no outside sites. Everything else is blocked. If someone does happen to get into something they are alerted right away. As for friends houses, not until she's 60 at this point according to her dad. She's already pulled this crap at other peoples houses. The birth control thing is a last resort but Iagree she has done it once whe will find a way to do it again and I don't like the alternatives either. They think they are 6 foot tall and bullet proof. Nothing can hurt them. Too bad that it usually takes something harmful to open their eyes and sometimes it's too late. We won't send her back with her mother but that doesn't say we wouldn't like to. She has her chores to earn money but never does them the whole way or sometimes at all andit doesn't bother her. I told her this morning that if she wants the stuff at school, yearbooks,rings ect she was going tohave to work for it and save the money. Or at least some of it. I got the... yeah, right look. You know the one eyes rolling ect. We've already made her replace things she's trashed so she should believe us by now. I have deleted Myspace but they said it could be up to 90 days for it to be deleted. I told them I would likeit done immediately so we'll see. It was still there today.

  15. #14
    Registered User Nishu's Avatar
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    I just read everything you wrote, and here is what I'm interpreting it as: "I keep doing the same thing over and over and I don't know why she's not responding."

    If it's not working today and it didn't work yesterday, it's not going to work tomorrow. You need to try a different approach.

    It sounds to me like your stepdaughter has an eating disorder. Eating food in secrecy is a dead giveaway. The fact that she's taking money in order to by snacks is another big warning sign. You need to get her to a counselor.

    Food hoarding is such a common problem in abused and neglected children, I'd bet money that your child is working out her food insecurity by sneaking it. Buy her a case of soda for pete's sake. Give her a section of cupboard for her treats that only she can touch. This poor child has obviously got serious issues regarding food and you need to address it.

    And you don't know that your sd is having sex. You don't trust this guy to tell you the truth about whether or not he's touched her, then you shouldn't trust him to tell you whether or not she's had sex with someone else.

    Stop downloading stuff during the night and take the modem to bed with you. Tell your kid you want to save electricity, don't tell her you don't trust her. When she moves out you'll have all the time in the world to download your stuff.

    I remember going through some of this stuff when I was younger, and my mom always assumed the worst. She overreacted to everything and made ridiculous accusations. I did lie to her occasionally because everything I did ended with my privileges being taken away. That time in my life was absolutely horrible, and I still carry a lot of grief with me over it. Oddly, I went to live with my mom around the same age your daughter did.

    If I could have told her one thing at the time, it would have been to lighten up and loosen the reigns. She went through the same thing with my younger brother and neither she nor I had learned a lesson from my teenage years. She responded to misbehavior by tightening the reigns and trying to cut us off from the people around us, and then she bragged about how tough she was on her kids because, clearly, none of the other parents cared enough to be as strict as she was.

    My mom took Greebo's advice, and my life was pretty much hell because of it. I was depressed and even though I wanted to be helped, I just couldn't open up to the people who wanted to help me. I really wonder sometimes how different my life would have been if my mom had eased up and let me make my own mistakes, or how I would have turned out if I had been treated for my bipolar disorder when I was 16 rather than 26. It would have made a world of difference if she had just said, "You know what? The past is in the past, and today we're starting over."

    Your stepdaughter has been through a lot already. She's going to make mistakes and it's going to hurt to sit back and watch her do it. Right now, you need to figure out what's important and what isn't, and try to repair your relationship. Step back and think. Try something different.

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    I have 3 sons and maybe sons are different, but the 2 oldest ones chose to get into trouble young so I kept close tabs on them. I know now that they rebelled because of me keeping close tabs on them, but now as adults they understand why I did it. So they wouldn't get into trouble with the law. My 3rd one stayed out of trouble either because he saw the trouble his brothers got into or because he cared more what I thought. He didn't rebel because I didn't keep close tabs on him and I didn't feel the need to keep close tabs on him because he stayed out of trouble. Nishu I'd be curious about how you feel about this after you go through the teen years with your own children. They are tough as a parent.

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