Need thoughts from 2nd wives/stepmoms -long
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  1. #1
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    Default Need thoughts from 2nd wives/stepmoms -long

    Hi Ladies,
    Several months ago, I met a guy, "Romeo" and we started dating. He told me he had recently split with his ex and was very open about his devotion to his child. This guy is wonderful...he's caring, extremely intelligent, hardworking, understands and agrees with my thoughts on over-consumption/frugality...honestly, this was the first time in my life when I found someone and was able to check off all the things on my "Mr. Right list". My friends told me I would glow while telling them about him.

    Romeo was dating "Cruella" long before we met, thought she was okay but wasn't serious relationship material. Unfortunately, a condom broke and she insisted she didn't need to take the morning after pill as she was on birth control (he found out later she lied, she hadn't been on the pill for years). She ended up pregnant, Romeo decided to "do the right thing", bought a house for her, their unborn child and her other 2 kids (by 2 other men) so they could all be one happy family. Problem is, this lady suffers from mental health issues (lives on gov't $$) and is verbally/emotional abusive to her partners (she screams at the kids and doesn't do much in the way of actual parenting but she ensures they're clothed and fed so the govt/courts won't declare her unfit). He put up with this for almost 2 yrs, going into debt to buy her the things she insisted would make her happy and worked 2 jobs to support her and the kids. The end came when, after complaining he wasn't taking good enough care of her, she took the kids and left. He fought to make sure he kept joint custody of his child, but I think she was more upset that he didn't try to win her back. She's done all sorts of fun stuff, for example, she's shown up at his house, screaming outside for 15 minutes about "that "F---ing W----" (that's me!, no, the W word is not "witch"). She's clearly unbalanced but has no concept of any wrongdoing on her part...Romeo and I are the two evildoers in this scheme.

    The stress of dealing with this took its toll on us and we opted to "take a break" for a bit. Just as her behaviour started once she found out he was dating, when it seemed that I had disappeared off the map, she calmed down. She's still rude when he drops off/picks up his kid but the obsessive behaviour stopped. The reality of the situation and just how INSANE this women is, has dawned on me. Romeo and I are still close but frankly, I'm scared of his situation now. I've met, and adore, his kid and his kid likes me but I'm scared of dating Romeo again because of the drama that will start up again with the ex. I'm afraid of what could happen in the future if Romeo and I end up together and have kids of our own...I'm scared the ex will feed lies about me and whatever children I may have, to her child with Romeo in order to cause problems in our family. Romeo, and his family/friends, describe this women as being pure evil and from the behavior I've seen...they can't be far from the mark.

    My friends are all warning against me getting back with Romeo (who they all agree is a great guy), arguing I'm "too young and beautiful to have to settle for someone with so much crap in his life, go find someone who's more worthy of your attention". During the break, I have gone on a few dates and I've been miserable each time, thinking only of how well I "clicked" with Romeo.

    So, as women who may have dealt with this, do you have any advice? I feel so lost and alone right now. Even if you do all agree that finding someone else is best, at least you can say that from a place of having gone through a similar drama. For what it's worth, time is a sensitive topic here...infertility issues run in my family and none of my female relatives were able to conceive at all (with or without medical assistance) after the age of 35 or so. I'm almost 30 and want to start a family soon so being told to check in on Romeo's progress 3 or 4 years from now won't be a plausible option.

    Thank you, and sorry its so long. Just writing this has helped me, knowing that somebody here will understand.

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    Thank goodness I never had to deal with a psycho ex wife, only a b***h ex wife and that was only towards my husband, not me. I have to admit Liz, I wonder why she's really acting like this. Obviously, she is unstable, but why is she so unstable and obsessed after two years? Is there any chance Romeo could be leading her on behind your back? If not and she is just insane, I'm certain I'd move on. I could in no way deal with that on a regular basis until the child was an adult.

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    No, the break up is "recent", just under a year. They were together for a little over 2 yrs. Romeo is most definitely not leading her on in anyway...I can't give the reasons but I know he is not interested in her whatsoever. I know when she found out he was dating she started calling and telling him she still loved him, when he said there was no way he would ever go back to her she accused him of abandoning her other kids who "needed him as a father". Maybe she's still working through her feelings about the break up?

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    Registered User hollyhill's Avatar
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    Oh my. I actually had to check your province.. this so sounds like my BiL (DH brother) and his Ex, except in his case he has two sons by her and she has one daughter from a previous relationship. She is also manipulative and is on Gov $$ etc. Bil is trying to get full custody of both sons etc

    My Bil is good looking, has a great job and is a devoted dad, but having seen both sides in this story I can tell you that even though he appears "perfect" he isn't and he is also responsible at least in part for her situation and the cause of the behaviour. He is a Type A personality and quite controlling, cheap (NOT FRUGAL CHEAP) and can be mentally abusive. So i am not saying Romeo is like that but some times the bookcover doesn't tell the whole story after only a few months.
    Me? I just wring my hands over my nephews.

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    Registered User krbshappy71's Avatar
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    If you are willing to take on Romeo despite the ex, then I'd say be prepared to take legal action when ex does crazy things. Too many people sit back and allow it to happen. Screaming outdoors? Call the police for domestic disturbance or disturbing the peace. They will get to know her real fast, she will learn you will not sit back and be attacked. People only go as far as you let them, and if she has children she wont be wanting to get tangled up with the law and court trials for harrassment.

    We don't know your man, but I do know love. If its love, it'll survive but don't try to make it survive at the risk of your own sanity and the children you dream of having.

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    Registered User lisaflex's Avatar
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    i would run the other way...quickly. doesnt sound like something you want to spend your time dealing with. doesnt sound like she will every stop or go away.

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    I dealt with something similar. My husband's first wife actually left him as soon as she got pregnant. Apparently that's the only reason they got together, to her. She wouldn't allow any contact, and even though he paid child support she wouldn't tell him where his daughter was. (She was a military wife and moved around a lot.) When his daughter was 16, we got a call saying we'd better take her or she was going to jv. We took her and found out she'd been so badly raised she was completely out of control. Mom changed her mind and we had to take her to court (we couldn't have afforded it. Our lawyer agreed to do it pro-bono after meeting the witch once. We were only going to be able to pay him for a small amount of help, but she has that effect on people.) We got her to be able to live with us, but she's so messed up she steals from us, was physically abusive to every man she knew including my husband, had a baby and can't take care of herself so we have to help for the baby's sake, she lives with us because no one else will live with her, and makes our lives hell. I woke up once with her standing in my bedroom staring at me while I slept, and she kept a bloody bandage from one of my friends as some sort of creepy token. She dug it out of the trashcan.

    I love my husband desperately, but if I had any idea what being a stepmother would be like, I would have married someone else. There are lots of stepmoms with positive experiences. I would say if you're going to do this, get to know the children first and make sure you can have them in your life. You're not just marrying him, you're marrying the kids too, and the ex might not leave. I think it's a pros vs. cons situation. There are other great guys out there with so much baggage though.

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    Registered User Lady_V's Avatar
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    You like Romeo... you adore his child...

    Why deny them love, comfort and companionship because of one unstable woman?

    Please don't hold it against them. If your feelings for him are genuine, and you think you are strong enough to be a positive role model... then I say see where the road takes you.


    During the break, I have gone on a few dates and I've been miserable each time, thinking only of how well I "clicked" with Romeo.
    Sounds like you already know your answer...

    My friends are all warning against me getting back with Romeo (who they all agree is a great guy), arguing I'm "too young and beautiful to have to settle for someone with so much crap in his life, go find someone who's more worthy of your attention"
    So... wait until you are 'old and ugly' before you settle for someone? Think on it... which is really settling?

    FTR: I am not a step-mom, but I am a mom who is lucky enough to have a man who was willing to take a chance on life and love and move over 900 miles.

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    Registered User Libby's Avatar
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    You are not only getting involved with Romeo but everything that is connected to him that hasn't been brought to the spotlight just yet. (looks good for now, could be better or worse in the future) You both do deserve to find love...but will it be together with each other?

    Am I saying 'Run for the hills!' Not yet but this is something you really need to mentally prepare yourself for should you try to date each other a 2nd time. Going by how you're feeling now - scared about 'his' (aka your future) situation - that should be sending you a very huge red flag.

    Lets turn this situation around - what would you suggest to your friend if she was in this scenario?

    Its hard to take your own advice but ultimately, you need to make your own decision:

    Do you want to put up with this potential BS for another few years, get yourselves settled THEN try to have a baby?

    OR

    Do you want to find someone who is on the same path as you and ultimately wants to go on the same journey - RIGHT NOW? (they do exist - I was absolutely gobsmacked when I ran into my Mr Right, we're now engaged)

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    Registered User HandyMom's Avatar
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    I think your first instinct was correct. I'd turn the break into something permanent and put more effort into a new relationship. Too much drama and baggage comes along with that Romeo.

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    Default i'm sorry....but there seems to be more involved

    than even what you may know....there are always always two sides to every story and i am not sure you are receiving all of them from "romeo". Sorry....to say alot of men can be very charming etc for a while and then all of a sudden they are not so charming anymore...i am not saying this is the case because i do not know your situation personally...however there is more to the story...
    Not trying to be rude in anyway....just trying to be honest...

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    Registered User rsbs's Avatar
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    I am on my second marriage... both DH & I had a child from our 1st marriages before we married each other. My XH is not involved, DH's XW is VERY much in the picture & has custody of my step-daughter. She is NOT a lunatic & let me tell you... dealing with "step" is enough to want to make you run away even without as much drama as you describe!
    Sure - Romeo & his children should not be punished for her craziness, but fact is - they WILL be. For the rest.of.their.lives.
    Do you want to be too?
    I love my DH. I've had to make sacrifices I've never imagined to stay married to him. I do NOT have a marriage most would consider healthy - or even a "real" marriage.
    Oh yeah - & I'll never have the second child I always thought I'd have because of our situation. Romeo may not be your solution to that issue either.
    Many people have very satisfying lives with partners who have children from a previous relationship - but many don't. I'd suggest you trust your gut on this one. If it was enough for you to "take a break" - it's probably enough to make it permanent.
    Don't become me. 4 years in (married, 7 together), so much bitterness. No hope for a life that I have any say-so in.
    *hugs*

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    My dh and myself are on our 2nd marriage. We both have children from the past marriages. We both have custody of our children. My ex is involved, his ex is not involved(once every few yrs). We have been together for 14 yrs. It hasn't been easy.

    My ex tried some stupid stuff when I started dating my dh. Not quite as nuts as you drama. But he tired things like taking my to court 14 times in one year. He tried to break me financially thinking that would put a stain in my dating. My dh and I stuck together. I had 3 small chlidren(ages 4,5 and 8) when we met. His son was 13 and never raised by a mom. We had some major issues with the oldest and teenage years. Dh and I stuck together and we made it thru. Our youngest is now turning 18 and we have been married for 6 yrs. We consider all our children ours. The kids do call us by our first names not mom and dad for the step parent. But they were raised by the 2 of us and they are ours. My oldest son is now married and has a step daughter and 1 of his own. He sees what we went thru now.

    Good luck with your decision it has to be yours and yours alone. It is your life. I am glad I stuck with my decision and I am with my dh for love.

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    Why is it the very person who may be wrong for us is the one most appealing--run-don't walk- away !!

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    Registered User savininfl's Avatar
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    I say take the high road and leave his butt behind. Alot of people hit it right on the head that you are going to deal with this for the rest of your life. Seems to me he needs to learn to put his foot down and put his ex in her place before he tried to go out with anyone else. Good Luck on all your future dates and when your least expecting it Mr Right will find you

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