Alternative Housing
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  1. #1
    Registered User buffy871's Avatar
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    Question Alternative Housing

    I'm having severe problems with my 19 year old step daughter, and we need to get her to live somewhere else. The problem is she only has one friend left because she's chased the rest off with her con-artist ways, she's a single mom, and she's clueless. Her mom raised her with no exposure to the idea of consequences, simply severe physical and mental punishment for any offense, real or imagined. She can't handle any changes at all in her life; she simply freezes up and stares at whoever she's dealing with. This happens with everything, from personal problems to legal issues to survival issues. The simplest survival concepts are beyond her, such as job hunting, (we had to find her a job), cleaning, paying bills, etc... She refuses to clean dishes even though she uses the appliances and leaves them looking and smelling discusting. She used the Forman grill and left it for a week, with the rest of us telling her she had to clean it, because it was nasty. She promised to clean it Friday and then left with her boyfriend and the baby and didn't come back for 4 days. I finally had to clean it when I found maggots in the drip tray. I put the other dishes she hadn't cleaned on her bed and left her a nasty note telling her she'd lose her kitchen priviledges if she did it again. We are almost to the point of storing all the appliances in our bedrooms.

    She does have a job, but she's been so bad to her family and friends no one will baby sit for her (she left the baby with me for a day and a half once when she said she'd be back in a half day. That's not unusual, either. She has to use about half her money for babysitting because of similar actions. She scammed a 13 year old into watching her baby for $2 an hour lately, but her father found out and renegotiated, thank God.) Housing assistance that I've found would end her up in some really dangerous places. Does anyone know of any programs to help single mothers with grants to get housing? We don't have much money, so we'd probably qualify even if they wanted to study our incomes also (as some govt. programs do.)

  2. #2
    Registered User Mrs. Piggy Bank's Avatar
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    It may be time for her to grow up. I know a married couple who are in their 40s who STILL live off of their parents! They get a disconnect notice for their electric just about every month...and call their parents. They always need help to buy groceries. I have heard their parents complain of how they have never learned to be self sufficient but why would they...when someone else would take care of everything for them?

    The saddest part is the baby. It's a hard place she has put you in. Good luck.

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    Registered User MomToTwoBoys's Avatar
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    I'd honestly find a better living situation for that baby than I would for the stepdaughter and the boyfriend. If they can't take care of him/her properly, perhaps CPS can guide her in the right direction.

    I would state that she has thirty days to find a new place to live in. I'd also list your grievances and make sure she understands them in a tone that she can relate to.

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    Sounds like she needs counceling because there is more here than meets the eye.

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    Registered User MomToTwoBoys's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by frugalwarrior2 View Post
    Sounds like she needs counceling because there is more here than meets the eye.
    I think CPS usually does counseling too. My sister has been a problematic parent for all of her life and had her first kid at 18. She sounds just like OP's stepdaughter and it's taken both the intervention of my mother, CPS and the schools that her kids go to to get her on the right track. That's not to say that it's completely worked, but it has shown her that she has reprocussions for her actions.

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    two issues i see. i was your daughter.

    1. she needs professional counseling. i see a state of arrested development here. a professional counselor who does inner child work with cognitive behavioral therapy and teaching coping mechanisms would do wonders here. (guess what kind of counseling I received? i personally was stuck at 5 and 16 and had the coping mechanisms of a 5 and 16 year old. )

    2. she may simply not know how to do the things you are asking. teach her to clean, pay bills, wash dishes, do laundry. i teach teenagers and don't assume they know how to do something.

  8. #7
    Registered User daughter of pearl's Avatar
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    I'd draw a very big line in the sand for her. If you don't do it now, she will be like this when she is 30, and her child's life will be in chaos!

    Let her go into subsidized housing in "dangerous" places...lots of people live in these places, and they are not ideal, but maybe she will wake up and realize how limiting her behaviour has been, and maybe she'll decide to change.

    I also agree with Kemma. You can't assume she understands the nature of what needs to be done. Make sure she gets it.

    When I first left home, I had absolutely no lifeskills. I mean none. It's a miracle I didn't die of food poisoning or electrocute myself somehow. But I learned because no one was there to save me.

    That is the best gift my parents ever gave me, not being there to rescue me every step of the way.

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    Default been there... so i understand your pain...

    the only difference in our situation is that there was not a baby involved. My son was difficult over the years to the point that he would act irrational... I would take him and try and get diagnosed however they would say nothing they could put their hands on in regards to a diagnosis however let's try this medication...He would not act out at school only at home with his dad and i. We had some really tough times to the point that on occassions i had to call the police...Did i want to... no...however it got to a point there was no other choice. My son sounds like your daughter in the fact that he though every thing was owed to him and never ever picked up after himself and if asked or "told to do something" he somedays would have major temper tantrums is what i call them...we dealt with this for years... caused a major problem between dh and i.
    However when he was 20 i had finally come to a breaking point in my life and explained to him that this was no longer acceptable... we of course had these talks before but i explained to him that this time i really meant it... no more crap....and well lo and behold one day he had a major meltdown... and i told him you need to get in the car and call one of your friends because you need a place to sleep. He just looked at me and i told him i was serious... He made a call and i took him down to his friends and explained that if he needed something that his dad and i were there for him however we were not going to be treated like crap anymore and it was time for him to grow up...He is now 21 and living on his own and doing quite well...were those first few nights after throwing him out hard for me as a mother... yes... i cried and cried but dh was there for emotional support and down deep i knew it was the right decision. He comes and visits every now and then and is as respectville as can be...and i think our relationship is slowly mending.

    As for the baby it does not sound that maybe your daughter is responsible enough to take care of the baby.... not sure if you would be able to get custody or not...i would try if i were you and tell your daughter it is time to grow up...it is hard at the beginning but it does get easier...

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    You can check with mental health programs. From what it sounds like she needs really good counseling and support. Check with places such as catholic charities, planned parenthood, social services, etc. Ask any school counselors, places of worship, mental health professionals where to find help or organizations, agencies that would be able to help in your area. Not all public housing assistance places are located in undesirable neighborhoods.

    Hang in there and start getting the word out that you are looking for programs that would help your step daughter and step granchild.

  11. #10
    Registered User frugalfranny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by daughter of pearl View Post
    I'd draw a very big line in the sand for her. If you don't do it now, she will be like this when she is 30, and her child's life will be in chaos!

    That is the best gift my parents ever gave me, not being there to rescue me every step of the way.
    Yep, I agree. She probably won't go/use counseling to her benefit at this point but if you draw the line.......AND STICK TO IT......it might force her to do some things that are long past needing to be done.

    You can't force her to go to counseling.....but you can force her to move........or follow the rules at home.

  12. #11
    Registered User frugal is fun's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by frugalwarrior2 View Post
    Sounds like she needs counceling because there is more here than meets the eye.
    totally agree on this one, it seems more than just be irresponsible. Seems like maybe some type of illness.

  13. #12
    Registered User buffy871's Avatar
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    We've tried to get her into counseling. I've also tried to teach her things, as have the rest of the family. She's agreeable about the issue, but won't actually do anything. When I say she won't learn I mean WON'T learn, not can't learn. She's been staying at her boyfriends' place lately, which makes things easier for everyone. He joined the marines and is planning on marrying her and living with her. I'm not sure why. He's talking about breaking up with her at the same time. It's a really disfunctional situation, and I'll be glad to be out from under it.

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    Registered User Stacia's Avatar
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    She's never going to grow up and be responsible until everyone stops helping her. She's not a child anymore, if she knows everyone is going to keep taking her back despite her behavior, Why would she change? You need to be firm and stand your ground, when you have a baby you are not a child anymore, she needs to grow up. You have to cut her off cold turkey It's the only way she will learn that she needs to take care of herself.

    I was a Mother at 17 and took care of myself, stayed out of trouble, lived on my own and held down a job. She can't use her past as an excuse for her current behavior.

    When she lives in public housing she will get kicked out for living like a slob, they have regular inspections. That will teach her to clean real quick.

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    Registered User Stacia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by daughter of pearl View Post
    I'd draw a very big line in the sand for her. If you don't do it now, she will be like this when she is 30, and her child's life will be in chaos!

    Let her go into subsidized housing in "dangerous" places...lots of people live in these places, and they are not ideal, but maybe she will wake up and realize how limiting her behaviour has been, and maybe she'll decide to change.

    I also agree with Kemma. You can't assume she understands the nature of what needs to be done. Make sure she gets it.

    When I first left home, I had absolutely no lifeskills. I mean none. It's a miracle I didn't die of food poisoning or electrocute myself somehow. But I learned because no one was there to save me.

    That is the best gift my parents ever gave me, not being there to rescue me every step of the way.
    Totally agree with everything you said!!

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    What I am about to say may not go over very well but not everyone needs "counseling" or "medication". They just need a swift kick in the butt of "This is life so grow the heck up and stop treating people like crap!" OP, if you are concerned for the welfare of the baby call the appropriate authorities and then kick that girl out....today. I have absolutely NO PATIENCE for people that take advantage of other people, mental illness or not. My DD treated my DH, DS and me like crap from 14-17 and we told her that the day she turned 18 we were packing her stuff up and changing the locks. (And for the record, we did counseling and medication and punishment and everything else you can think of.) Guess what? About two months before she turned 18 she finally realized we were serious and she straightened the heck up. Not only did we not throw her out but I now consider her one of my closest friends.

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