Stepdaughter is getting married . . .
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  1. #1
    Registered User NicJean's Avatar
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    Smile Stepdaughter is getting married . . .

    This coming Sunday!! I'm freaking out because this is the first "large" family gathering I'm invited to.

    DH and I will have been married 3 years this September, dated and engaged 16 months prior to that. I did not know DH when they were having issues, only after they had separated.

    Of course, DH's exwife will be there, as well as her many sisters, and their families. I work in the same school district as XWife, she's a barracuda, I swear - and DH tells me she's the sweetest of all her sisters!! yikes!

    I'm trying to be nice, calm, and accommodating (making tablecloths for reception, as well as flowers, and candle centerpieces). I'm tuckered from the mental stress however.

    I just needed to vent, and get some support, thanks!

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    You just have to remember WHO you are there for. YOUR husband and your stepdaughter. And enjoy yourself!

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    Registered User savvy_sniper's Avatar
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    I totally understand how you feel! My step-daughter is getting married in October. Her family scares me! I have gone out of my way over the years to have as little to do with them as possible.

    I am personally looking for a way to NOT go to the wedding. My step-daughter and I have a GREAT relationship, but I am having nightmares of her mother cornering me, threatening me, and me killing her. I kid you NOT!

    I would discuss with your husband and make him PROMISE to not leave your side for ONE second and try to keep you out of uncomfortable situations. Maybe even arrange a silent signal ahead of time.

    I hope I don't sound TOO nuts?!?!

    Mary

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    Registered User BlissMommy's Avatar
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    Hugs, I hope it goes uber well for you and how sweet of you to do all that!

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    Registered User Ramona's Avatar
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    It's very sweet of you to help your stepdaughter with her wedding plans. Sorry you'll have to see the barracuda at the ceremony and reception.

    Remember, if she starts in on a tirade/hissy fit, walk away. Do not engage. And tell DH to stick by your side like velcro.

    Try and have a good time and remember, he's with you now .

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    My stepdaughter is also getting married in August. I get along fine with my sd, but I'm not doing anything for the wedding and don't feel even a little guilty. I'll gladly let mom handle all of it. lol. Like you, I'm really not looking forward to it just because I can't stand her, but she's different than a lot of ex's. She'll smile at your face and act like she's your best friend and then stab you as soon you turn around. Been dealing with it for 13 yrs.

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    Registered User Debbie-cat's Avatar
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    It is nice of you to help her. Try to ignore everyone and remember you are there for your DH and your SD. Have fun!




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    Remember it's just one day for you, but a special one for your SD. Tell her you love her and hope that her day is wonderful, splendid, etc. Go for love, hers and your DH, grit your teeth, clamp your hands on your husband's arm and don't let go.

    And what I do? I act stupid! It's amazing how effective it is. If someone is trying to be subtly insulting and you don't "get" it, they frequently try to be more obvious, and so on. You can "let on" later that you knew what was happening. But if you can manage to not react the way they want either they'll give up as you're a bad target or they'll escalate the attack and make themselves look bad. It requires swallowing your pride, but I find that knowing that I'M controlling the situation, not them is enough.

    Good luck!

    Judi

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    Moderator mauimagic's Avatar
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    You'll be fine. You are a loving, lovely, kind person. You are in charge of your reactions to everything. Don't waste negative nergy on anything (talking to myself too) - and just keep smiling in your lovely way!!

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    Registered User pollypurebred39's Avatar
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    Lots of good advice. I second the velcro husband thing. The only thing I can add is, if it were me I would be be an absolute knockout on the wedding day. I'd find the perfect dress and have it tailored to fit me perfectly if need be (you can find a good tailor for very little if you look around. The best places I've found has been the dry cleaners. Cheap, quick and perfection) I'd get my hair cut and styled even if I had to go to the local vo-tech (the instructor will finish the cut to be sure it's perfect) I'd start giving myself facials, pedicures, and do homemade body scrubs so my skin would be perfect and glowing. And I might even get a mani-pedi right before the wedding (also can be done at a vo-tech). I'd be searching now for the perfect shoes, hand bag and accessories at every yard sale and thrift store I happened upon. Maybe I'm vain, but I'd want to have that edge of confidence before I walked in the door.

    Oh, a a great bra! and throw in some Spanx!
    Last edited by pollypurebred39; 05-16-2011 at 11:30 PM.

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    Oh I hear and understand, being a step-parent myself. My day will come too and I think Polly's advice is good and I'll probably do the same. Show confidence! it's easy for people to pick up insecurity in those awkward situations. It's so nice that you are doing all of that and it sounds like everything will be fine.

    I'm like savvy too. It wouldn't be a bad idea for a body guard to be between me and my DH's ex.

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    I also agree w/Polly, but my life has taught me that in any confrontation I lose, I'm too easy a target. For me the best option is to make myself a non-target, hence the advice I gave above. But yeah, I'd also wear a killer dress, etc.

    Judi

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    Super Moderator josantoro's Avatar
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    This thread brings back memories of SS's wedding. DH and I were seated in the 3rd or 4th row back. I did not expect to be next to XWIL (ex-wife-in-law) but I thought they could have done better than that.

    Also, when they announce the bridal couple, wedding party, etc. they announced "The parents of the bride!" and "The mother of the groom!" no mention of DH who was already seated. I wondered if people there thought SS had no father , or that he had not showed up.

    I think all this happened because we did not offer financial help (we were not asked).The bridal couple was in their 30's and both with good jobs. Money talks, b.s. walks -- I guess it is true.

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    This thread brings back all the worries I had about my own wedding. My parents are divorced and I have both a stepmom and stepdad. The families are like the Hatfields and McCoys - they fought for the first 18 years of my life. I had resolved to elope by age 10, I kid you not. But when I got engaged, my mom snapped into wedding mode and there was no hope of escape. It was an extremely stressful process for me because I was so afraid of bringing the families together, but, honestly, everything went off without a hitch. Everyone behaved themselves and basically did what I wanted on the day itself. I was a crying mess for about a week beforehand, and looking back I wish I would have relaxed a bit and just hoped for the best. I guess I'd just chime in to say that I was very grateful that both sides of my family were there for me and that they did their best to get along. Even if they were secretly seething on the sidelines, I didn't see it!

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    Registered User bookwormpeg's Avatar
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    Reminds me of my son's wedding....his father and "then" wife came....I was very nice...I smiled alot....she was sitting at a table alone and I went over and sat with her and asked about her sons and just chit chatted with her....she was not very cordial and my ex almost had heart attack when he saw me sitting with her and came running over....wonder what he was afraid of.....I even sent a thank you not to them for attending! Update: that wife is gone (#4) and he is on to another one...sad sad sad. I think all we can do is act cival when we are put into these situations.

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