single girl considering marrying a divorced dad, need advice

qq · 01-29-2012, 11:48 AM

I have been dating this guy for more than a year and lived together for 6months. His divorcing still not finalized because they are fighting for custody. I love this guy but I worry about whether we will be happy if married. First, his ex is greedy, she hasn't worked for years, but took all the money when she left. This left my bf close to broke. My bf makes about the same amount of money I make, but because of child support and morgage for car and house, he is very tight. Therefore most time I will spend more money to cover the living cost. He has no saving at all. I worry that if we get married, I will be the one paying for most stuff and later as his son grows up and need more money for car or other stuff, it will come from my saving or our saving which I think should be used for our kids. I also worry that his son would grow up and become as greedy as his mom. So I am thinking talki him into writing a will when we have our kids. Please give me some advice.

**mombottoo** · 01-29-2012, 12:07 PM

"They are fighting for custody", which tells me your bf would like to have his son living with him. Can't tell a lot from your post other than you aren't happy with the situation as it stands and if you aren't happy now, chances are you are going to be more unhappy as the years pass.

The fact that you are considering making him write a will that will totally leave his son out of any future "savings" the two of you might acquire bothers me...this boy will be his son no matter how many children the two of you end up having and he will always have to provide for his son, no matter how many children you have together.

If him providing for his son is an issue for you, then perhaps you should get out of the relationship now and find yourself a man that doesn't have kids....JMHO of course.

**FrabjousDay** · 01-29-2012, 12:17 PM

He's officially a package deal, son and ex-wife included. The language in your post sounds fairly resentful, if that is how you feel now (before the finances are combined), imagine how you will feel down the road.

**Momto5RN** · 01-29-2012, 12:47 PM

not a step mom or second wife but you only know one side of the story and there seems to be resentment assumptions of future greed towards a child you are supposed to joint parent which makes me very concerned

**Lady_V** · 01-29-2012, 12:53 PM

I am a mother and an ex-wife (that has moved on) and I understand your feelings, but frustrated by them.

In my case, the ex and I parted friendly (almost unheard of, I know). We are no longer married, but we are still a family. We are her parents.

The ex has to pay child-support. He will have to pay it even if he ever got remarried and fathered 10 children. No amount of children will erase his financial and EMOTIONAL obligation he has to her.

We had made a deal - whomever we ended up with MUST understand and respect the fact that our daughter comes first. Period. In the event we had more children, the new partner could not try to edge her out of the picture.

Some step-parents (and I hate the word step, they are not something to climb over to get to where you want) can't share the spotlight with the children of other relationships and demands that they (and theirs) come first. Children first. ALL children.

If the children you bear with him has a college fund, provided by him... then he needs to provide one for his son.

Think HARD on this one -- and you don't have to answer here, but answer HONESTLY to YOURSELF -- how will you feel towards your step-son if he was to get custody ... and 3 years down the road you have a child? Will you treat them equally? Will both have the same place in your heart?

**MaryCarney** · 01-29-2012, 02:21 PM

I gotta say that the vibe I also get from your post is resentment - and forgive me if I am wrong.

I have been the child in this situation - and I beg you not to marry if there is going to be a distinction between HIS child with her and his child with you. You will be damaging an innocent child.

The fact that you live with him while he is still married to another - no matter what the reason - indicates to me that it is all about you. Not a good prelude to a happy, stable, long-lasting marriage.

**annymoll** · 01-29-2012, 02:29 PM

I have never divorced, remarried, or had step children, so I only speak from my own situation. I would not marry a man with children. I do not believe that there is only one love for every person.Find someone that does not have a prior family, as they will always, and should always, be his first priority.You deserve to be first, and so do your future children.

**Wendy99** · 01-29-2012, 02:31 PM

I think your concerns are all valid - I mean if that's how you feel, that's how you feel whether it be right or wrong you can't change that. I think you may have some doubts as to him having a family outside of your own immediate family together & that alone could cause problems. He will love his son just as much as any children you have together. I think if you consider marriage you would both benefit from counselling first so you are both on the same page with regards to his son from his previous marriage. I haven't touched on your other financial questions regarding you being the one to pay for the majority of things because by reading your post I see the bigger issue of you not being comfortable with him having other children. Take things one day at a time, over time you may feel more comfortable with him and his son (but since it's been a year now I doubt your feelings will change) - if not rethink things. That boy needs to be at the top of his dad's priority list.

**frugalwarrior2** · 01-29-2012, 02:37 PM

You don't seem to understand that you will be second. His Ds has to come first. He is not a leftover from another time he is your BF's family. It is his duty and right to provide for his Ds.

And a will to cut his Ds out? I was surprised to see that you were 32. This is a horrible situation. If you can't welcome this child as your own then please -walk away now.

**pollypurebred39** · 01-29-2012, 03:11 PM

qq, it's pretty clear how you feel. I think you need to do this dad and his son a huge favor and walk away. That is unless you feel that you can soften your heart towards this child and see him though the eyes of a mother and love him as if he were your own flesh and blood.

If my DH ever felt that way towards our first child he would not have been my husband. If I had felt that way about his STEP daughter, I would not be his wife. When we die, all we have will be split 3 ways, and one of those thirds will go to a lovely girl whom I'm proud and honored to call my daughter, and she doesn't have a drop of either of my DH's or my blood.

There's no judgement here, that's how you feel right? It's clear and unmistakable. But since that's how you feel, really feel, you need to find a mate with whom you can have your own children with.

**annymoll** · 01-29-2012, 03:46 PM

How would you feel if your fellow gained custody and was receiving child support? You could always keep your finances separate and have your own will for property and assets that you bought yourself and earned.The financial aspects can be worked out, but you are dealing with a bigger issue than finances. When you figure that out, you will know the right thing to do.You are correct to be concerned, it is okay to feel the way that you do, it is your life.Be happy.

**forHISglory** · 01-29-2012, 04:07 PM

I am really concerned about your situation. Please don't get married yet. You need to think through this more thoroughly.

**dancemommy** · 01-29-2012, 05:40 PM

I agree with what everyone else has said...you need to think long and hard before marrying this man. His son and any future children that you have with him should have equal priority with your husband (and with you). He is part of the package. If you cannot accept that then this is not a good relationship for you. It is not fair for you to put this child "below" any children you have with him. You don't want to deprive this child of a wonderful relationship with his dad. That's not fair....

**LynnLC** · 01-29-2012, 11:49 PM

Originally Posted by qq

I have been dating this guy for more than a year and lived together for 6months. His divorcing still not finalized because they are fighting for custody. I love this guy but I worry about whether we will be happy if married. First, his ex is greedy, she hasn't worked for years, but took all the money when she left. This left my bf close to broke. My bf makes about the same amount of money I make, but because of child support and morgage for car and house, he is very tight. Therefore most time I will spend more money to cover the living cost. He has no saving at all. I worry that if we get married, I will be the one paying for most stuff and later as his son grows up and need more money for car or other stuff, it will come from my saving or our saving which I think should be used for our kids. I also worry that his son would grow up and become as greedy as his mom. So I am thinking talki him into writing a will when we have our kids. Please give me some advice.

Do not marry him or anyone with kids from a previous relationship. Period.

**frugalfoster** · 01-30-2012, 12:30 AM

When two people have a child they will "always" be connected. My 28 year old dd is to be married this May, to a man who has two children. In this town, she is considered to be a catch. She is a surgical nurse with a very high salary and has owned her own home for almost 6 years. A beautiful girl, who could choose pretty much whomever she wanted. The quality I most admire about her is her ability to love. She would share anything she had with those two boys. Watching them with her has erased all the worries I had about her going into this relationship. She loves them as much as she loves their father. If you can't feel that same way about your bf and his child, do them a favor and run. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to you.