boyfriend is going to ex-wife's house to celebrate son's birthday
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 37
  1. #1
    Registered User Equinox's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    4
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    0

    Default boyfriend is going to ex-wife's house to celebrate son's birthday

    My boyfriend is going to his estranged wife's house (separated over a year) to attend a family birthday event for one of their 3 sons (his "ex" currently has primary or main custody). It isn't an event contained at a local restaurant or other venue but at what was formerly "their" home, and no one but the ex-wife, the children, and my boyfriend are attending to my knowledge.

    I've not told my boyfriend this (yet) but I feel that there is something off about this and I wonder why he and I couldn't have had our separate celebration for the son on our own with his separated wife having her own celebration with their son w/out my boyfriend. I feel hurt and excluded, not that I expect the mom to want me over at her place, I just don't understand why we don't have our own separate celebration with him.

    This is what we did for Christmas and Thanksgiving (had separate celebrations). My boyfriend told the mom (even though she wanted him to celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving at her house with their kids) that that would send a confusing message to the kids and so the celebrations should be separate. When the mom complained he almost caved in until I raised my objection (I felt he was going to cave to her demand they celebrate together unless I objected in order to create less friction). So why isn't it separate with the birthday? He told me he was going and I said nothing––seems he would know I wouldn't like that, but I said nothing b/c I obviously already told him how I felt about that kind of thing.

    I feel I need some advice on what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior in terms of dad straddling both worlds as we move towards building our lives together. Am I wrong to feel this way? They aren't officially divorced yet, so maybe I am overreacting. Though I even reminded him of the kids birthday.

    I know I'm treading into rocky territory of potentially having responsibilities of a "parent" and not the rewards with resentment creeping in, right or wrong, and starting to wonder if this relationship is right for me at all. Honest feedback appreciated––I need perspective.

    Thank you!

  2. #2
    Registered User frugal is fun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Connecticut
    Posts
    924
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    17

    Default

    major red flag...One he isn't divorced yet you are living together. Basically he's cheating. Now from someone who pretty much did the same thing, it still doesn't make it right.

    In my case, I initiated the divorce and I look at it this way. I divorced my husband, I did not divorce my family. ALL holidays, birthday etc are celebrated together as a family. Meaning me, my ex and our son with extended family and friends. Now I am well aware that I do not have the typical relationship with my ex. We are friends and we still take family vacations together etc. I do have friends who do not understand and insist that we are confusing our son. I personally don't see the confusion, we are a family. Both my ex and I keep our private relationships private. I did make the mistake when we first got divorced to try to involve someone in my son's life and it was a big nasty mess. Similar to how you are describing how you are currently feeling.

    Your feelings are not wrong, they belong to you and they are real. However, I would try to have a conversation with your boyfriend on how he feels about this, what are his views of the future of raising his children with his ex and will you be or not be a part of it.

    I will tell you that in my case, not many men stick around very long because I put my family, including my exhusband first. I tell them how it is from the beginning and they are able to make a decision whether they stay or not. Most don't stay longer than a few months and I've never made it past the holidays.

    I'm not resentful of this and I'm also not ready to change the way I conduct my family life. People may ask then why did I get divorced if I still spend alot of time with my ex husband. Well, that is a personal matter but I will say, there is nothing romantic going on between us but we are still very much a family.

    My son is growing up in a family that cares for each other and respects each other. He has never witnessed us fighting or yelling or even being disrespectful to each other. I don't think I would be able to say the same thing if we were still married.

  3. #3
    Registered User Equinox's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    4
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    OK––do you mean you DO think it's inappropriate of him to attend the family event while telling me verbally he's committed to us making a life together?

    We are not living together. He has asked me to move in but I feel, until he's actually technically divorced, it's not something I should do for him. That really puts me out on a limb. However, I make a point of trying to gradually introduce myself and get to know the kids when he has them on weekends; for instance, I don't spend all the weekend with him/them on the kids weekend (I feel the kids need space/time w/dad alone) but make a point of having an outing of some sort so they can get to know me and be comfortable with me gradually, and only recently spent one night over while kids there. Typically, I don't stay overnight––again, I don't want to infringe too much on their "new" headspace and apartment with their dad yet.

    Thank you for your feedback––it's much appreciated.

  4. Remove Advertisements
    FrugalVillage.com
    Advertisements
     

  5. #4
    McD
    McD is offline
    Technical Support Sleuth McD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Age
    35
    Posts
    6,481
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    16
    Rep Power
    48

    Default

    To be blunt: what is off about this is you. Regardless of whether he is 'estranged' or 'separated' from his wife, she is still his wife. You are the interloper. I think it is inappropriate for you to be involved with him while he is married.

  6. #5
    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Baltimore, Maryland
    Age
    51
    Posts
    8,566
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    83

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by McD View Post
    To be blunt: what is off about this is you. Regardless of whether he is 'estranged' or 'separated' from his wife, she is still his wife. You are the interloper. I think it is inappropriate for you to be involved with him while he is married.
    You're pretty seriously leaping to a conclusion that may not be appropriate here.

    When I separated from my ex, I met ceashels a month later. My marriage was *over* with my ex, we were only still legally married because the law required it, and for no other reason. Ceashels and I were living together before my divorce was legally final.

    We do not know the circumstances of the man's marriage in this question. Lets not be too quick to decide that the OP is the bad guy here.

  7. #6
    Registered User Contrary Housewife's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Kansas City
    Posts
    9,282
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    75
    Rep Power
    62

    Default

    It's an uncomfortable situation, but I think that until the divorce is final, and probably for some time after that (depending on the age of his kids) he's going to be involved with his family. He doesn't sound like the kind that can just turn around and walk away cold.

    As for why there's no party at his place, you'll have to ask him. Maybe he didn't want to bother you with planning it, maybe he forgot.
    Stop trying to organize all of your family’s crap. If organization worked for you, you’d have rocked it by now. It’s time to ditch stuff and de-crapify your world.

    If you're not using the stuff in your home, get rid of it. You're not going to start using it more by shoving it into a closet.

    Use it up, Wear it out,
    Make it do, Or do without. ~unknown

    Because we, the people, have the power to build a better future. KH

  8. #7
    McD
    McD is offline
    Technical Support Sleuth McD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Age
    35
    Posts
    6,481
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    16
    Rep Power
    48

    Default

    OP's first post states that the husband wife have been separated for over a year. Our state has a 90 day waiting period before all divorces finalize. I think it is irresponsible to be involved with another person when you aren't legally done with the first, more so when there are children involved.

    OP asked for opinions, it may not be popular but I gave one.

  9. #8
    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Baltimore, Maryland
    Age
    51
    Posts
    8,566
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    83

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by McD View Post
    OP's first post states that the husband wife have been separated for over a year. Our state has a 90 day waiting period before all divorces finalize. I think it is irresponsible to be involved with another person when you aren't legally done with the first, more so when there are children involved.

    OP asked for opinions, it may not be popular but I gave one.
    Your state has a 90 day wait. My state has a 1 year wait. For all we know the court papers have been filed and they're waiting on a court date.

    When the relationship is over it's over. That the divorce is or isn't final has nothing to do with the question of how the situation with the kid's birthday should best be handled.

  10. #9
    McD
    McD is offline
    Technical Support Sleuth McD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Age
    35
    Posts
    6,481
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    16
    Rep Power
    48

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Greebo View Post
    Your state has a 90 day wait. My state has a 1 year wait. For all we know the court papers have been filed and they're waiting on a court date.

    When the relationship is over it's over. That the divorce is or isn't final has nothing to do with the question of how the situation with the kid's birthday should best be handled.
    And again, OP asked for opinions, she received one. It may not be one that she, or you, like but it is an opinion that she asked for. As for the kid's birthday: it is best to handled by the mom and the father. Until the mother and father of said birthday kid are legally divorced and OP's relationshio with the father is more stable in terms of his commitment to one woman being over before committing to another, OP really has no place in how it is handled. Again, just my humble opinion and the OP, and you, can take that for all that is is worth.

  11. #10
    Registered User Greebo's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Baltimore, Maryland
    Age
    51
    Posts
    8,566
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    83

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Equinox View Post
    My boyfriend is going to his estranged wife's house (separated over a year) to attend a family birthday event for one of their 3 sons (his "ex" currently has primary or main custody). It isn't an event contained at a local restaurant or other venue but at what was formerly "their" home, and no one but the ex-wife, the children, and my boyfriend are attending to my knowledge.

    I've not told my boyfriend this (yet) but I feel that there is something off about this and I wonder why he and I couldn't have had our separate celebration for the son on our own with his separated wife having her own celebration with their son w/out my boyfriend. I feel hurt and excluded, not that I expect the mom to want me over at her place, I just don't understand why we don't have our own separate celebration with him.

    This is what we did for Christmas and Thanksgiving (had separate celebrations). My boyfriend told the mom (even though she wanted him to celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving at her house with their kids) that that would send a confusing message to the kids and so the celebrations should be separate. When the mom complained he almost caved in until I raised my objection (I felt he was going to cave to her demand they celebrate together unless I objected in order to create less friction). So why isn't it separate with the birthday? He told me he was going and I said nothing––seems he would know I wouldn't like that, but I said nothing b/c I obviously already told him how I felt about that kind of thing.

    I feel I need some advice on what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior in terms of dad straddling both worlds as we move towards building our lives together. Am I wrong to feel this way? They aren't officially divorced yet, so maybe I am overreacting. Though I even reminded him of the kids birthday.

    I know I'm treading into rocky territory of potentially having responsibilities of a "parent" and not the rewards with resentment creeping in, right or wrong, and starting to wonder if this relationship is right for me at all. Honest feedback appreciated––I need perspective.

    Thank you!
    No matter where your relationship goes with this guy, his child will never stop being his child, and you are going to have to accept that. He will never be done dealing with his ex-wife because his ex-wife will always be a part of his child's life. His life will never and should never be "all about you" - because his son came first.

    That said: Christmas and Thanksgiving are "family" holidays. Birthdays are about the kid. You and he are forming a new family - having those be separate makes sense. But the kids' birthday is about the kid, not the family - so it may very well be that the kid WANTS his mom AND his dad together at the same party.

  12. #11
    Registered User Equinox's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    4
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    Yes, papers have been filed. I think our state is a "year" state . . . regardless, yes the relationship, not the marriage, was well over long before I came into the picture . . . maybe 5 years or more. I would agree it's debatable whether one s/b involved with someone who isn't technically divorced or not.

    I don't believe I ever stated that I wasn't accepting his child would always be his child and I certainly don't feel that way. I also don't believe I ever stated that it was all about me nor do I feel that way.

    I've done nothing but be an advocate for the kids when I thought the father should do more or something different or intervene when the mother was inept or using the kids as a weapon, which she frequently does. She's tried serious false accusations against the father until she realized she'd be committing perjury and "dropped" charges in her divorce statement all of a sudden when her lawyer dropped her. She's been advised by mediators and told by a judge her behavior is inappropriate and ordered to take certain steps to remediate it. I feel the father should have the main custody, but things always seem to be skewed towards the mom, regardless of the best interests of the child.

    She has a low emotional IQ and often cuts off her nose to spite her face, as well as her kids. She takes no responsibility in the failure of her marriage––it's all his fault. Though I don't have much regard for the mother's behavior, I have not, and will not, state any negative thoughts about the mom to the kids and have stuck up for the mom when they've been disrespectful towards her, i.e. I gently remind them in so many words I won't tolerate disrespectful comments towards either parent. Not so much for her sake, but the kids need that guideline (imho).

    I have not forced myself on them and have let them get to know me at their own pace. They were asked and talked to by Dad if it was "OK" I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas at Dad's place. We have fun together and they show me more respect than their own mother. Still––they are feeling their way through a hurtful space while they have to live with a mother who prefers to demonize their father. Maybe all I can do is validate their worth as human beings and reinforce, through behavior and actions, that I have no interest in "taking daddy away" from them––which is what mom told them.

    That all said, the marriage as it once was once upon a time, is over, whether I remain in the picture or not. Thank you for your feedback. -E

  13. #12
    Registered User frugal is fun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Connecticut
    Posts
    924
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    17

    Default

    I think you need to talk to your boyfriend. Your frustration can be just a misunderstanding or a lack of communication. See what his intentions are going forward. Only then will you know if this relationship is right for you.

  14. #13
    Registered User warramra's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    942
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    90
    Rep Power
    17

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by frugal is fun View Post
    I think you need to talk to your boyfriend. Your frustration can be just a misunderstanding or a lack of communication. See what his intentions are going forward. Only then will you know if this relationship is right for you.
    I agree with this. My experience as the child of divorce...my parents separated and divorced when I was 4. They have remained close friends throughout the years. Every holiday and birthday was a joint event. I might of been a child of divorce, but I never felt separated from either of my parents because they were always there when it was important. At least until my dad remarried 10 years ago. My step-mother feels very threatened with the relationships even though my mother has been remarried for the past 30 years and my step-father is my dad's best-friend. All she has managed to accomplish is to distant my father from us. My father is miserable and feels trapped, the rest of us feel like we have to walk on eggshells so that she doesn't take it out on him.

    Your boyfriend is in the process of divorce with will be up to him and his ex to determine the type of "family" they will want to have. You will have to decide if you can accept it or not.

  15. #14
    Registered User Sophiasmama's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Alberta,Canada
    Age
    40
    Posts
    2,319
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    19

    Default

    I agree that he will always be involved with his wife due to them sharing kiddos...I would just sit down with him and have a good talk and tell him what bothers you.

  16. #15
    Registered User CookieLee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Mississippi
    Posts
    1,058
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    17

    Default

    I'm a step-mom. While I love my husband and my step-kids (who are all now adults), if I had it to do all over again I wouldn't have married hubby while his kids were still minors. It was very, very hard - for everyone. I've always said the hardest job in the world is being a single mom, but the second hardest is being a step-mom.

    I also agree that there is nothing wrong with the non-custodial father to go to the former home to celebrate a child's birthday when only the original family unit is there. Kids need that - just time with their original family. In this day and age when divorce is so common and we tell ourselves that kids will adapt, I think we're really missing the point that these kids are so deeply hurt by the decisions that adults make. Besides, dad's are important. Don't do things that might encourage him to back away from being in his kids' lives or motivate his ex-w to exclude him.

    Now to you ... in hindsight and not knowing anything else about your relationship, I'd advise backing away. You really do deserve better. You're calling a man your boyfriend who isn't even emotionally or legally available to you yet. And you're taking on his emotionally unstable ex-w! My husband's ex-w is an basket case and she was always - A L W A Y S - a factor in our relationship. I mean really, the youngest child is in her 30's and my head still reels with memories of some of the emotional [email protected] his ex-w would pull - not just us, but hurting her children specifically because she knew it would hurt us. For your own sanity, I recommend that you tell him "Let me know when you're done with the divorce and you've worked through your issues of being a divorced dad. We can get back together then." And he asked you to move in before he is even divorced? Was he looking for a new girlfriend or someone to help him with the kids? Gosh, it would be nice to know for sure.

    That's my 2-cents. I agree that being the other woman while the divorce is in process sometimes works out - sometimes. But let's look at it another way. If you two are really meant to be together, you can be together when his relationship pretzel is ironed out. And if you talk to him and say you have to wait and he understands and agree ... well, that's a sign he is a good guy. Stay friends but that is all.

    And it is waaaaaaaayyyyyyyy too soon for you to be in the kids' life. That kind of stuff backfires later on. (this I know!)

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Bring boyfriend to grandparents house
    By prairiewife in forum Family
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 03-11-2008, 08:21 PM
  2. Replies: 4
    Last Post: 12-08-2003, 01:34 PM
  3. Replies: 8
    Last Post: 04-13-2002, 07:51 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •