No Shower for Step Child? Help please!

**mommaJ** · 04-21-2016, 02:47 PM

My husband and I have been married nearly 20 years and each have children from our previous marriages. We married when they were all small so our extended families know the kids well. My daughter is due to have her first child very soon. My husband's large family has many aunts, cousins and I have 3 sister-in-laws, all of whom I thought I/we were on good terms with. Everyone pitches in to host baby and bridal showers and I have hosted/assisted with/attended many of these. Everyone gets a shower for their first baby or their wedding and everyone helps - it's just the way it is done. I am sad to say that not one person has mentioned holding a baby shower for my daughter and I am beyond hurt by this. Hubby and I have stepped up in recent years to organize and help with holiday dinners, family picnics as those who have traditionally hosted are getting older. They all know how very excited we are to be welcoming our first grandchild. All of our children have not been able to attend every family event due to work schedules and that we live several hours from most of the family, but this is the case with most of the family members their age. I don't know where to go with this - the implication on the surface is that my daughter, being a "stepchild", is not really family and this both breaks my heart and makes me extremely angry. Maybe there is something I am not seeing? My husband isn't one to rock the boat, but I can't see myself holding my tongue on the subject. His daughter is getting married early next year - if a shower is held for her (and I expect it will be) the lines will be clearly drawn, and I will not be able to ignore this insult.

Like I said, I don't know where to go from here - my instinct is to host a shower for her myself. She deserves to have a baby shower like any other new mom. This would also be a very clear statement to the family in itself. I would love to just come right out and ask what the issue is.
I could really use some unbiased opinions here, please!

**TDN** · 04-21-2016, 04:21 PM

I wonder if your husbands family is just expecting that one of your children or his children will host the shower. That sounds perfectly reasonable since they are all adults now. In my family the hosting has been passed down to the next generation.. Why don't you get together with your daughters and stepdaughters and host one! If there are no girls in the family by all means host one yourself. Or contact some of your sister in laws and talk to them about helping. If this is the first thing that has happened to make you feel like your kids are not part of the family you may be overreacting. Everyone is so busy these days and money is tight so that may be holding someone back. I would not jump to the worst conclusion just yet. Lots of family problems stem from one thing.....bad comunication!! That's my unbiased opinion....for what it is worth! ......and hugs to you and hope you can sort it out soon!

**mommaJ** · 04-21-2016, 04:44 PM

Thanks, TDN! I would love to think it is just a lack of communication but as recently as December we all participated in a baby shower and it was business as usual. The planning for these events usually starts two months ahead of time and the conversation is usually started on Facebook so everyone is in the loop. So far on Facebook, you can hear crickets.

**TDN** · 04-21-2016, 05:01 PM

So maybe go ahead and casually throw it out there on Facebook. I was just thinking, if this is the first shower for one of your children maybe they do not want to step on toes and think your family will want to host? They may just be as unsure of the whole situation as you. They sound like good people so give them a chance......and you may need to be the one to get the ball rolling.

**mommaJ** · 04-21-2016, 06:40 PM

Of course, you are right - it could very well be a misunderstanding. It just seems so very out of character for this group of people, who are usually not shy and the message "who's turn is it to host the shower? I will organize the food" is a regular occurrence on FB. I hope I am wrong about this...I will maybe message my husband's closest aunt and see what is up. Thanks!

**TDN** · 04-21-2016, 07:17 PM

That's a great idea to message his closest aunt! Hope it works out well

**Giro** · 04-21-2016, 08:45 PM

Maybe I'm missing something, but why aren't you hosting the shower and sending messages on Facebook?

**mommaJ** · 04-21-2016, 11:47 PM

Hi Giro - Because traditionally in my husband's family the grandma to be or mother of the bride will help out with the shower, but an aunt or cousin will host and organize it. Everyone brings something and helps with set-up and clean up. This is just what they do and how they do it. It spreads out the work and makes sure everyone is included. I am not against hosting it, but I am concerned as to WHY my daughter has been overlooked, when every other woman in the family has been given a shower for her wedding or first child. She would be the first in the over 20 years I have been a part of things who did not get a baby shower. I hope that explains it.

**mndtrp** · 04-22-2016, 11:04 AM

There's two options:
1) Make assumptions about how people feel about your family.
2) Get the ball rolling yourself, and see what people do.

I know which one I would choose.

**frugalwarrior2** · 04-22-2016, 11:48 AM

Agreed just drop it. Hey,so I was wondering -What are we doing about so and so's shower. Boom. You know who to say it to.

**mommaJ** · 04-22-2016, 11:52 AM

I think what is holding me in place is FEAR - I am afraid that a) my suspicions may be true and b) that relationships I have valued are going to change/be damaged in the process. As I said before, I am going to talk to my husband's aunt this weekend - she is a straight shooter and will tell me what I need to know if I ask, so I am moving forward instead of sitting and wallowing in my assumptions. The issue is not whether or not I am willing to host the shower (I am), it is the possible reasons behind the family's lack of action in this particular situation. I just needed some outside perspective to work through it. Wish me luck!

**daylily** · 04-22-2016, 02:07 PM

I hope things work out well for you! I understand the fear and the two reasons and would feel that way too.

**bookwormpeg** · 04-24-2016, 06:01 PM

Hope it works out.....let us know.....

**mommaJ** · 04-25-2016, 06:04 PM

Unfortunately his aunt is away until next week, so I will have to wait to talk to her. Thinking I will go ahead with planning though - I may or may not find out the reasons behind this. I think it's best not to stress myself out with things I can't control, and just enjoy planning the shower.