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Thread: I'm quickly losing my patience!
11-15-2006, 09:38 AM #1
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I'm quickly losing my patience!
Let me start by saying that when I met DH, he was 2 yrs divorced with visitation rights with my then 9 yr old SD (stepdaughter) every other weekend. For lack of a better word... he was a Disneyland dad. He let SD call all the shots.. where they would go on their weekends, what they would do, no rules, no boundaries, etc... Once DH and I got married I couldn't deal with a child being in charge and things slowly changed. Rules and boundaries were put in place, etc....To this day she resents me for it, among other things. She still wants to call all the shots & have her way at any and all costs. She has always loved to pit DH and I against each other and is the queen of manipulation, and also has a big problem with lying. I'm sure I must sound like the evil stepmom, but in all honesty, from day one I've never wanted anything but the best for her and wouldn't ask anything of her that I wouldn't ask of my own son.
Things really took a turn for the worst when she moved in with us for a year. She has since moved back with her mother (in June). Ever since then we've had even more problems with her when she comes for visitation every other weekend. Her attitude, lying and manipulation have increased tenfold.
Last night head things came to a head. DH has been extremely upset for the last week and a half, do to things that occured while she was here for her last visitation. SD and he haven't spoken since then, until last night. He called her and left a message for her to call him. She returned his call a couple of hours later. He told her he expected an apologly for her behavior for the last time she was here. She in turn, acted surprised and informed DH that SHE was the one that excepted an apologly from him (Hello?! For what?!) Things got a little heated.... no yelling or screaming on DH's part, but then out of the blue....SD brought me into the picture. She went on to tell DH that she couldn't believe that he has stayed married to me this long and why he hasn't he divorced me? She also went on to call me a fu*king b*tch!
I suppose I shoud add that SD has emotional problems and her mother is a total whack job....which doesn't help matters, but I'm just about at my wits end with SD. In 8 yrs.... she's never given me a chance. I have tried and tired.... Not to say that I haven't 'lost' it a few times during the years out of frustration. Since she's moved back to her mother's, I've been nothing but nice (but not overly so) everytime she's come for visitation. It's plain as the nose on my face that she STILL wants daddy all to herself and resents my presence. I feel she cannot distinguish different kinds of love.... such as... parent/child....husband/wife. She has always wanted daddy's undivided attention and gets extremely miffed if DH pays the least bit of attention to me while she is here.
I suppose I should mention that SD is not a little child anymore. She will be 17 this coming March. I understand full well how hard divorce is on children. And also the emotional ups & downs of being a teen. My son is also a child of divorce (now 25), but I'd like to add that he has never been anything but respectful towards my DH..... even during his teen years.
If you've read this whole post.... Bless you... It sure felt good to get it out
11-15-2006, 09:54 AM #2
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oh JJ ~ one day she will understand that you have always loved her & only wanted the best for her ~ don't worry, one day she will get it -
Just tell her that you love her -
I hope it gets easier - hugs to you & your hubby
11-15-2006, 10:14 AM #3
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I am not the best at giving advice. I just wanted to say how sorry I was you were going through this and sending hugs your way. I hope things begin to look up for all of you.
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11-15-2006, 10:24 AM #4
I agree one day she will understand and appreciate everything that you and your dh has done for her. Keep the lines of communication open with her. The Best of Luck to You.
11-15-2006, 11:52 AM #5
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Sorry that you are having to deal with this. I have 2 Dstepchildren and my 2 DDs have had 2 stepmothers, so far. I know it can be frustrating at times. (((HUGS))) Hopefully she will have a change of attitude and a change of heart towards you.
11-15-2006, 12:26 PM #6
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Wow...she is certainly acting toxic!!!
As ashamed as it makes me to admit this...I can totally relate to her. I used to be a really, really bad person and although I never actually did anything illegal, I pretty much left a trail of broken people behind me as I went towards whatever goal I set for myself. I hate thinking of how horrible I was but the important thing I guess is that I know what she is doing and I can guarantee that she is absolutely thrilled with the way this is taking a toll on you and your husband. Even though she's not dictating your every move, she has a huge amount of emotional power over you because you are stressed and worn out. Pretty much the best thing you and your husband can do is to not react and to not accept her behaviour.
Sorry to be a downer here but remember too, that she might not *ever* like you. She has a mother (who she probably will never find fault with) and a father (who she managed to control for too long), she might not ever accept that you could have a place in her life. That's an unfortunate possibility but it IS a possibility and you can't let her own poisoned mind upset you because you've already done everything you could to show her you cared for her. Otherwise, it will just drain happiness from you. Live happily for your husband, your son and yourself. Don't let her drag you down!
If there's anyway I can help based on my personal knowledge of what manipulators do, please let me know. I guess at least having been one, they can't really pull stuff on me now.
11-15-2006, 02:05 PM #7
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Thank you all for your support
Liz.... I've resigned myself to the fact years ago that she may never like me. I have also never tired to take the place of her mother in any shape or form. And have told her this many times. I've honestly never wanted that job! LOL...... What I want now and have wanted all long is the she not interfere with my marriage with her father, and treat me civil and with respect when she is under my roof. I really don't feel that is asking too much at all.
11-15-2006, 02:24 PM #8
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You are TOTALLY in the right for expecting respect but it sounds like she's not in a spot right now where she will even consider it. The reality of what I was doing when I was younger only set in in my early 20s so give her a few years and she'll probably get over herself.
You're definitely a saint though for putting up with her and still being so forgiving!!! Good luck with everything and I'll put your SD in my prayers and hope she sees how wonderful you are soon!!
11-15-2006, 04:06 PM #9
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You know, of every last step-family I know personally with shared visitation, custody etc. it is a bad situation with the kids always attempting to pit one adult against another and pulling the "ping-pong" living arrangements (IE they live with whoever lets them get away with the most crap at the moment. Whenever rules are applied and enforced the kids pitch fits and move in with other parents until rules are applied etc. Bouncing between the homes causing chaos)
Of the twelve families I personally know with step-kids this is going on in all twelve. Three are contemplating divorce due to trouble with step-kids.
I'm sure there are exceptions to the above, but I've never met them. You have my sympathy and prayers.
11-15-2006, 07:55 PM #10
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This sounds like an issue of empowerment to me.
My DH's daughter tried a bit of this but she was messing with the wrong gal!
From the get-go, like you, I let her know clearly where she was and how things would work (my DD knows these boundaries well). Like your SD, there was some resentment. TOO BAD!!! I get really livid thinking that I was working hard each day and maintaining a home and someone would end up in it behaving as they wish. Hence, the issue of empowerment.
This is an issue for two heads (you and DH) to work on together. Hopefully, this will happen now.
Your SD is spoilt and has no respect for herself or those words about you would never have been uttered from her mouth about you to her Dad.
The fact that you already know that she has emotional problems should give you closure to this issue.
11-15-2006, 08:05 PM #11
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Update on my SD. DH's ex just called and is really freaking out about SD. From what she said, SD was in a bad mood when the ex got home from work. The ex asked her what was wrong and SD went into primal screams, yelling..."I what to choke Joy until she passes out and then kill her!" YIKES! The ex was frightened. She said SD seemed to be out of her mind. Thankfully the ex called and got a therapy appt for SD next week. But I think SD may need more intensive care than that. We are all thinking that all the anger SD has for.me is displaced, and we need to get to the bottom of this.
Needless to say.... SD won't be coming here for visitation until things are under control.
11-15-2006, 08:55 PM #12
She sounds like my dd, who is now 18, a senior in high school and living with her father in florida (I live in NH). I've been married to my dh for 6 yrs now. It's a 2nd marriage for both of us. He has two sons that live with us and I have 2 daughters, which one still lives with us. She didn't usually verbally treat my dh like crap, but occassionally she did. To me, however, she would go to town. It's the same thing, I dont' think she could distinguish the difference between parent/child and husband/wife relationships. Which, by the way, is why she is living with her father so far away. I just couldn't handle it anymore. With the way she acted and treated EVERYONE in this house, the choice was easy!! I can sympathize.
My 9 yr old stepson isn't easy to live with either. He is diagnosed ADHD, bi-polar and temporal lobe epilepsy. I try & I try & I try, day after day. I swear he's out to get me sometimes!! LOL
I know he's probably still too "little" to have that feeling & I know he has mental health issues. But, when it comes to mine & dh's relationship, I try not to let the kids interfere.
It sounds like your dh "got it" as far as discipline and setting limits and has tried very hard to do that. So, my suggestion would be that you two take whatever time you can together, alone! Have husband/wife time to reinforce your bond together. Make sure you are both always on the same page. If you can, and both are willing, maybe even counseling. Because of ds-9, we are heavily involved in counseling and even though it is really for ds, they are great & help dh & I stay on the same page when it comes to all the children and even our relationship.
But I think the most important thing is communication & time together. And maybe even some YOU time!!! If I dont' get my ME time! watch out!! LOL
Oh, have you tried sitting sd down and talking to her, one on one. Understand her feelings, but let her know that you are not going anywhere and you would at the very least be able to have a civil relationship with her?
Let her know how much you love her dad, you're not trying to take "mom's" place and that you do care for her, no matter how she treats you! My dh did this many times with my dd, it would help for a little while but then yes she would go back to her "old" ways.
Well, I've rambled enough. Good luck to you!!!
11-15-2006, 09:03 PM #13
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Oh, Joy. I'm so sorry you're being put through this. You'll be in my thoughts.
11-16-2006, 08:57 AM #14
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Oh Dawn... *sigh* I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've sat down with SD and tried to talk. Telling here I love her like my own, I would never try to take your mom's place. I've also asked her many times how she feels, but she always responds...."I don't know...I don't want to talk about it", etc... She just doesn't want to hear it and completely tunes me out...... Starring into space and asking... "Are we done yet?"
11-16-2006, 03:42 PM #15
OH, I'm sorry.
She obviously needs to lose the attitude & wall she has built up before she can be open to anything!
Don't give up!
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