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Thread: need advice
03-06-2007, 07:11 PM #1
Hi, im new, and i really need help!!!!
i have been with my husband for 5 years now (married 3) he has 3 beautiful kids from a prev marriage, i love these kids with all my heart, they are good kids, they are not the problem, the EX is, she really is an evil mean person, she tries everything she possibly can to make our lives miserable, trust me if she knew it bugged us as much as it does she would love it. everyday she does something that really makes me mad. i dont even know where to start, i just need help separating whatshe does and says from the kids. they love me to death, i always get little cards and msgs from them that they love me, but then it will be thrown in my face by their mom that i am not their parent and i am not allowed to take them to the dr, even though i pay the med insurance, even though i work to support them as she sucks every last penny out of my husband, get this at the time of their divorce my husband was ordered to pay child support (which any man should- reasonable ofcourse) in addition he was to pay alimony, ok, well the woman got remarried, we filed paperwork to stop alimony and the judge said only upon her agreement!! so we were forced to continue paying her money that she did not need, she has a very well off husband, he is an airplane mechanic and has been for over 20 years, she has a little job at the kids school, and she gets child support, we know that they are fine financially. us on the other hand, we were forced to file bankruptcy as hubby was left with all the debt from the marriage, we're just trying to get be, im working hubby has 2 jobs...its just not right, then we have to pay for med insurance as well as the dr visits its just not possible, yet we cant afford to take her to court as that cost money too!!!
we will never win with her. if money was the only prob that would be ok, but she has to control everything, the kids come with notes : what time they need to go to bed what they need to eat, every little thing just is agravating with her, i try to be civil with her, because i love the kids so much and dont want them stuck in the middle, but she cant see it this way, she will just hang the phone up when i try talk to her ,(she is 15 years older than i am)
i am just tired of trying so hard with her and never knowing what i will get back, it has got to the point that it is interfering with our marriage....WHAT SHOULD I DO>>>> i will go crazy coz of her!!!
03-06-2007, 07:56 PM #2
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I am sorry you are going through this, I USED to be in a similar situation but what confuses me is why they still make your husband pay alimony if she is remarried? Alimony is to off set the changes in income since YOUR DH at that time was the only bread winner, now that she is remarried the court should have stopped that. How much longer does he have to pay alimony?
How old are the children? I am assuming young, because my husbands daughters are turning 18 in April and never, ever have they written me notes or anything for that matter, I am the wicked step-mother.
I think next time you have to go to court for something, have an attorney (they are free if you cant afford one) and tell them that you are trying to be civil with her but she is downright rude and nasty, also that you cannot afford to pay for child support, alimoney and medical insurance. Sometimes there is no justice for a father, even though they are paying child support and doing the right thing, I know we've been down that road many many times.
03-06-2007, 07:59 PM #3
She only has the power to disrupt your life and marriage if YOU give it to her. You being upset is exactly what she wants. Remember the bully on the playground? Kids are smart they know who is being a negative influence. She has no control how you and your husband parent when the children are with you two, that's what makes her crazy, she doesn't view your husband as an equal parent. Your dh only has one chance to parent his children, is he going to do it his way or hers?
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03-06-2007, 10:31 PM #4
i dont know why the judge denied our attempt to stop almony, it all seems unfair, from the get go my husband has tried to do the right thing, for the kids sake, you know when he left he was working two jobs and she kept both his cheques for TWO years, he did not have any money except for the money his mom would give him for gas a so forth... he tried as hard as he could to do what was best for his kids, and this is the way that she acts.
he got a bad deal with the divorce she got everything a paid off car, she got the house with everything in it..you name it she got it....he just wanted out i guess, but the courts dont look at it that way, they think that he is bad for leaving, (which is what she throws in his face all the time) but we are there for the kids, we go to every school function, sporting event, you name we are there to show our support, and yes they will grow up one day and hopefully they will see the truth, they are boy (6) girl (10) girl(14)the oldest is alot more like her mom, its not her fault, thats where it gets hard for me, sometimes she will say stuff that is mean or she will just act like her mother, but there is nothing i can do because i am painted as the bad one in her mothers eyes. even though she had a bf before i came along?????
its things like we work very hard just to get by, i have a little 6 month old (their sister- they love her to death) and things are obviously tight for us, we live in a 2 bedroom condo and have to fit everyone in when they come over, then their mom takes them shopping ALL the time, what im trying to say is that we never tell them about the child support becuase its not their worry to worry, but they never go to their dad and say thank you for the easter dress or so on, when he pays so much child support, and i know she is over their loving it, we have the kids over easter weekend coming up, the kids always have to have a brand new outfit, we cannot afford that right now, we told her we werent able to get it (should be taken from child support.....we have no say tho) she turns around and says she will be sure to tell the kids that we dont want to buy the outfits, which is not true...to what extent should we involve the kids in this?? if any?? sometimes i just want to sit down with the older 2 girls and explain to them the financial situation, but am not sure about it.
when the kids are here they are so loving and kind, i will find letters all over, in the bathroom, kitchen, just sweet notes saying that i am the best and they love me...things that make it all worth while, but when they are with their mom, they are very different, she is so strict and stern with them, if we go to the basketball game for my ss and they are with her, she will hardly let them come to us, and then when its over, she whisk them right out of there so we cant say good-bye, but then there's other times when she is just as friendly as she can be!!!! so you never know who you are going to get, i guess thats what makes it so hard, my husband and i are good paople and its hard to get mean like her, but i thnk ive finally reached my boiling point with her....my husbands best friend just passed away and we were dealing with all the arrangmnts when she called, he asked me to take the call, i answered she did not want to talk to me, i explained he was busy could i help her, she shouted at me and then hung up....after everything that she has done i think that was it, it doesnt seem like a big issue but i couldve helped her out but she refuses, i mean its been 5 years, when will she getover this!!! just a couple of months ago she came to my babies christening, we went there for halloween, and before you know it she is mean again???
does anyone know if we HAVE to do the kids laundry when they come over? i have read the divorce decree over and over but cant find anything, i know it is probibly the right thing to do, but she complains about it any which way, its not washed right, blah blah blah, whats the point in doing it if she is jsut going to complain??? but do you think we can get in 'triouble' for not doing it?? need advice on that part
03-06-2007, 11:10 PM #5
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I dont think there is any rule about doing the kids laundry and if you didnt do it you will NOT get in trouble, you are the non-custodial parents and 2ndly she cannot force you to buy them clothes for any occasion, there is no law anywhere that says that the parent who pays child support must also provide their children with clothing for special events/occasions. The ex-wife is winning the battle because you and DH are letting her, you have to be firm with her and make your point LOUD AND CLEAR!
Try something like: "I will pay my child support and my alimony BUT the money is to be used for clothing, child necessities, sports equipment, etc.., I will not pay a penny more and stop trying to make me feel less of a parent, I am not obligated to wash their clothing, I do it because I want to!" If she hears HIM being firm each and every time, she might finally get the hint.
I also think you should file a petition to have alimony stopped, if she is remarried her lifestyle is back to what it once was, marraige constitutes the responsibility of the new husband.
03-07-2007, 10:39 AM #6
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I agree with FrugalMomof3. She will keep jerking your chain as long as you let her. You need to find an attorney and take her back to court. The alimony needs to be stopped- it isn't up to her and the original divorce decree should have stated some place that it is in effect until such time as she remarries. The child support can be restructured (I think the legal limits are 20% of gross income). With your attorney, present the out-lay of money - insurance costs, medical bills paid, any clothes etc you buy for the kids to the court. This should show you are doing above and beyond what is required and you are just asking for financial relief.
What you are doing keeping your mouth shut over Mom's behavior is the best thing. The kids get older and know what the real deal is. It is best for you.
That said- your house, your rules. My ex would try to tell me the kids had to be grounded from this or that or punished in such and such a way. I would tell him I don't get to control how he parents in his home, he doesn't get to control me in my home. Stick to your guns on that and it should improve over time (took about two years for it to sink in for the ex).
Sending you guys hugs.
03-07-2007, 12:48 PM #7
we will TRY
i know that we need to be more firm with her...sometimes its just hard, being in the wrong situation or the kids are around, which almost always is the case, we dont want them to have to see anything, and she will make a scene...we went to watch oldest SD at tennis, we had had the kids that w/end and dropped them off in the morn, well we were wtching the tennis match and ex comes along and hands us their laundry and says these are not washed properly .. infront of all the other parents...what are you supposed to do about that??? i told DH that i dont think there is any paper stating we have to do it, yes its the right thing, but why should we break our backs ( we live in a condo do not have a W+D we have to walk to the laundry room here and then have to pay to do it. keeping in mind we have a baby that we have to drag with us when we do it.....so why should we do it when all she has to do is pop it in her washer which is located right in her house??? am i being too angry or does this make sense??? its a stupid thing to get worked up about.. she wont send socks with SS (6) becuase he'll lose them under the bed or wherever you know little boys, but he will say my mommy said that she is not packing socks becuase WE lose them socks i tell you, we pay her enough money to own HANES!!!!!!!
i know that we must and we (dh and i) have sat down and spoken about this. we are not going to let her get away any longer, unfortunately doing a child supprt modification would cost us too much in attorney fees which we just cant afford right now, and we cant even gt help with legal aid becuase DH makes too much (gross income) and they dont look at his child supprt obligations so i guess we just have to keep paying...????
03-09-2007, 04:17 PM #8
I went through kinda the same thing with my dh. We were able to get an a great attaorney and pay installments that we could afford.The reason was he loves kids.Maybe check and see if there is one in your area that would look over your situation before taking it and give you a ballpark figure as to what it would cost and being a lawyer could make some sort of payment arrangements that you can afford. Just remember as hard as it is the kids will remember everything that goes on. Believe me they forget nothing!!!
03-10-2007, 09:39 AM #9
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I HATE when women act like this!!! It gives all of us a bad reputation!!!
Anyway, I'll be very blunt here. YOUR HUSBAND needs to grow brass ones. this is his ex-wife, not yours. Eventhough the two of you are married, this is his problem. You keep saying I this, I this. It needs to be he this and he this. Don't allow your husband to make you be the mediator and make it YOUR responsibility. It's HIS!!
First of all, he needs to tell his ex-wife that what happens in your home with him, you and the kids is not her business. It's your house, your rules. Bedtimes and menus will not be dictated by her. The only exception would be the menu thing, like a food allergy.
As far as the alimony, again, HE needs to grow brass ones. He needs to immediately, with or without an attorney, file to have the alimony stopped and to have the child support adjusted to meet your income. Child support rules were not made for the dad's to eat bologna sandwiches and the mom to eat filet mignon. The support is for the children and is to be used on shelter, food and clothing for them, not mom.
As far as involving the children, please, please please do not involve them in the disputes. It's too bad that mom acts like a 3-year-old, having tantrums at a whim. I'm sure if the kids don't already see it, they will. The kids know that she's in the wrong. Kids aren't stupid. I'm sure they already realize that she likes to control people and that you're just the opposite, doing what needs to be done for their best interest. I know it doesn't look like it now, but you will be the winner, as long as you don't stoop to her level of immaturity.
I hope that I am of help. I've kind of been in a similar situation as you before. I know it's not easy. Just refuse to play her games and things will work out. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but they will work out.
03-10-2007, 09:53 AM #10
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I totally agree with foxxyroxie! Well said girl!
We used to have the same problem as you till WE and that includes DH when it came time for the kids to come over, it was our house, our rules! Keep your head up things will change for the better.
03-10-2007, 10:01 AM #11
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I don't know what to say to you as I've never been in your situation. I hope things get better for you. Maybe you can do like someone suggested and find a lawyer who will take payments instead of a big chunk which would be a big hardship on your. This woman should not be getting away with draining your husband of all his money. She should not be getting alimony anymore since she married a wealthy husband.
03-10-2007, 05:05 PM #12
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I agree with the other ladies. I would call an attorney or the court house and find out how you would go about getting the alimony stopped. I thought when a person remarried that it did. As far as the child support it is free at your child support agency. Just call your case worker up and explain that you want to see if the child support can be lowered. Here in my county its a child support modification, for when one or both incomes change. It takes 30 days for both to respond and another 30 days for the county to make their decision.
I also agree your husband needs to stand up to her in a civil way. I would explain to her that he pays the child support for his children and that it is to be used for them. That she doesn't go over with the kids of what they have or what she has and that she needs to not speak about personal finances to them. I would also ask her why she is always so angry. Isn't she happy in her current marriage? That when the kids are visiting or staying the night that the rules in the household are his rules not hers. That she does not need to give notes to you or your husband to tell you how to raise the kids or what to do for them or what to fix for supper. That she needs to change her attitude on how she approaches subjects or makes comments before she causes damage to the children. Those kids will one day realize that their mother is on the extreme side and may not have anything to do with her later on in life if she doesn't correct her attitude now. That you both pay the medical insurance. That you take the children to the doctor because you are the one available. That she needs to show respect to you since you are the one making sure these kids are being taken care of while in your home. Keep being the person you are in supporting those kids, mentally, physcially and finanacially. They love you because of the person you are now.
You take care of yourself and take a deep breath and I mean a big one, when she wants to act the way she does in front of the kids. Don't be bullied just respond in a manner she wouldn't expect. Stern with kindness.
My ex's wife still to this day will not be in the same place with me and she is the one who was cheating the whole time in the marriage. Plus they weren't together when we started dating. I just keep telling myself its her loss because I am a good person.
04-28-2007, 08:14 AM #13
A good resource for legal counseling can be found at your local university. You'll need to seek out a "professional college" meaning one that offers law courses. The professors will all be attorneys. They sometimes will do pro-bono work or will partner with a student (who will require some experience) to address your problem.
Also in SC there is a lawyer referal service that is mostly free...I think it's SC Trial Lawyers Association. I hope this helps and that I'm not overstepping.
04-29-2007, 01:08 AM #14
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Here in Calif, you can go thru Child Support Services and get child support modify at no cost to you. I don't know if they do spousal support modification or not. Check to see if your state has a Child Support Services or something similar to help you.
04-29-2007, 03:33 AM #15
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I have been in this situation. I have a beautiful 20 year old sd. She was six when my husband and I married. Her mother tried everything to come between us, and this always meant putting my sd in the middle of it. I started out trying to deal with her to keep down the arguments between her and my DH, but after a short time of this he stepped in and told her, in no uncertain terms, that if she had a problem she would speak to him and him only, and that this was their issue, not mine.
The most important decision I ever made was to NEVER speak badly of her in front of my step daughter. I didn't want to put her in the middle like her mom did, and I wanted her to feel safe and to not feel like she needed to pick sides or defend her mother. Young kids don't understand the battles, they love both parents unconditionally. As she got older, she started realizing what kind of person her mom is, and was able to understand what really happened between her parents. She is gratefull that her dad and I let her figure this all out on her own and didn't try to tell her the bad way her mom was behaving before she was mature enough to understand it.
We also never let evil lady know when she had upset us, or was causing tention in our house, so as the years went by, she got bored with torturing us and moved on, Thank God. So hang in there and just know that true love can withstand any obstacle.
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