I feel like a horrible person...
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  1. #1

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    Unhappy I feel like a horrible person...

    I am 26 years old, and my husband is 36. He has a son from a previous marriage. His son is 13 years old ( I'm right between their ages! ), anyway... his son truly believes he runs our house. I find that myself and my husband fighting every time he is with us. We have every other weekend visitations and my husband feels guilty for disciplining him at all. He feels like this should be fun time since he doesn't seem he as often as his mother does, and all the discipline should be left up to her. Not only does his attitude about this drive me crazy, but his son drives me crazy! I have to say- although I'm a little ashamed to admit it... I just don't like his son! I know thatís horrible, but I don't know how else to say it. He's not loving, or fun to be around... all he wants to do is sit right next to his father and not let me any where near him. My husband and I never fight unless itís about him. He does not listen to anything I say... e.g. put your shoes away... clean up your dishes... NOTHING! Any advice?

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    Member Darlene's Avatar
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    It's your husbands job to parent, not yours. This kid didn't ask for a new Mom but he has one and he doesn't like sharing his Dad, that's understandable.
    Best thing I think is for your husband to act more like a Dad and that means saying no & setting limits. Yours is to find a way to be more like a friend figure for this boy. This young boy needs his Dad now more than ever, you need to help make this happen.




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    Registered User DAAC3DEC's Avatar
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    Default AGREE

    Quote Originally Posted by Darlene View Post
    It's your husbands job to parent, not yours. This kid didn't ask for a new Mom but he has one and he doesn't like sharing his Dad, that's understandable.
    Best thing I think is for your husband to act more like a Dad and that means saying no & setting limits. Yours is to find a way to be more like a friend figure for this boy. This young boy needs his Dad now more than ever, you need to help make this happen.

    I totally agree with this!!! Step back and just be a friend if he needs you to be--divorce is so hard on the kids, they didn't ask for this at all. Kids need rules no matter whose house they are at.

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    First, welcome to the forum

    And although I don't have children I HEARTILY agree with the others, kids don't ask to be put into the situation of divorce, it's tough on them to go through.

    kj

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    okay, i can really relate, more than you know.
    so instead of trying to have a "family" unit, which seems difficult for the boy, why not have plans for ONLY father and son during those weekends.
    then, come home to dinner, and everyone talk about it.

    give the boy what he's really going for, time - alone - with dad, where he doesnt feel he must compete.

    then just be patient. he'll come around. it just takes some adjusting time.

    from the boy's point of view, you have "dad" to yourself ALL the time, he gets to see him twice a month and YOU are there. *grrr*
    yeah, I know the feeling.

    But loosen the reigns. When the boy realizes he IS welcome, he DOES still have dad and he's not going anywhere, it'll make your lives easier too.

    feel free to PM me on this.

    been there, done that.

    good luck

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    e.g. put your shoes away... clean up your dishes...



    Who did this a 13 ???, cut the kid a break.

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    Registered User Samigirl's Avatar
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    Quote originally posted by perSue:
    "so instead of trying to have a "family" unit, which seems difficult for the boy, why not have plans for ONLY father and son during those weekends."


    I strongly agree. This boy needs to be reassured he doesn't have to compete with you for his dad's attention. It sounds like you could use a break from the situation anyway.

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    Quote Originally Posted by marianne98 View Post
    e.g. put your shoes away... clean up your dishes...



    Who did this a 13 ???, cut the kid a break.

    My ds does........he is 14 and has for several years put his shoes away or taken his dishes to the sink and rinsed them off. He knows I am not a maid in our home and he has certain responsibilities that have to be done!!

    I agree that your dh needs to parent his son.......I can't imagine how difficult it is to be a blended family......I wish you all the very best though and hope things change for you!!

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    also, i wanted to add, since the boy lives with his mom, he doesnt need you as a second mom. but you also dont want to be his "friend" either.
    Be a mentor.
    that's what a lot of step parents end up being anyway. not a "second" or "another" mom/dad - but a mentor.
    it's important to know what role to play, so talk to your husband about this.


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    Registered User monkeymia's Avatar
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    While I have never been a stepmother and my DD is only young, I have to say that 13 is a big stage in a boys life and he needs his dad.

    But your DH, his dad has to be a dad and not just a friend, he still has to set rules and stick to them. You need to try telling your DH how this makes you feel and DH has to understand that his role is as father not just a friend.

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    Registered User Marie78's Avatar
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    I have to agree with most on here, the boy has an attitude because he doesn't want to share his dad, and he will never see you in the role of mom. I come from a divorced family and it took years to warm up to my step-father, I was 13 when he came into the picture. Teenage years are also difficult without dealing with a parent's divorce.

    I think that he needs to spend alone time with his dad on the weekends that he visits. At least for now, I think the majority of his days visiting should be father/son activities. He's craving his dad's attention and his dad should be the one to tell him to pick things up or whatever else he needs to do around the house while he visits.

    I'm 29 and my father just announced he's marrying the woman he's been dating for 1 1/2 years. I haven't seen my dad alone, just him and me the entire time he's been with this lady. I don't like her, I flat out don't and I would love some alone time with my dad. Since I'm an adult I'm polite to this woman's face, and since I know my dad won't concede to spending time with me without her, I have seen him only a handful of times this year to limit my time with the woman he has chosen. It's different from an adult perspective though. My dad's fiance would never have any reason to tell me what to do, I have my own home to take care of. On the other hand she doesn't encourage my dad to spend time with me either, It's sad that he would need her permission and messed up on my dad's part, but still she should not stand in the way by making him feel guilty if we go out to lunch.

    I don't think that it's you that this boy doesn't like, it's a combination of the awkward teen years and alone time he's craving with his father. Good Luck, divorce is hard on kids and it's difficult to get along with a parent's partner at any age.

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    Been there down that and still am. If you find my posts you'll see I'm going through the same thing with my dh's 13 year old. She came here with us when she was 12. Yes she does put her shoes away and cleans up after herself for the most part. Most times her dad has to get on her. I know it makes you feel bad not to like him, I feel the same way but after awhile it gets old. You can only take so much. I agree they need time alone together but when Iwas still working before she moved here and she point blank told me to get a real job to make money so she could have more, that was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. Sorry didn't mean to ramble on. I wish I could be more help but hang in there they tell me it will get better.

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    I think the one thing we forget as parents is what WE were like at their age.

    did we remember our shoes? to take out the trash w/out reminder? to straighten up our room? to hang our coats?

    Probably not.

    Each kid is individual in what they can/can't and will/won't do.

    Being a teen is stressful enough - if you can remember - don't get mad at them simply because they forgot.

    These little things are just that to them. What's on their mind is their world... the trash, shoes, room, etc. will just have to wait... until you remind them GENTLY again.


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    Thank you for all the advice, I appreciate it. And I am really trying here.

    I know a 13 year old doesn't remember to pick up his/her shoes, or do their dishes... but my point was that if I ask him he will completely ignore me. I am not his maid, and I do a lot for this child. I drive him to school so he can spend extra time with his father - even though it is totally out of my way... I help support him financially... all I want is a little respect from him and I feel I am not getting it what-so-ever! I even took out a loan on my credit card to retain a lawyer so we could get more time with him.

    I also do try to stay away as much as I can on the weekends to give them time. But it's my home to and I can only stay away so much. I make dinner plans with friends or work late. I just feel hopeless in this situation.

    I myself come from a broken home. I have a step father whom my mother married when I was 12 years old. I am super close to him... still am even after he and my mother divorced... I just remember having respect for him. I didnít always like him, but when he told me to do something I did it... not because he was my father- but because he was my elder and I was taught to respect him.

    I do appreciate the advice, and I will try to make it more of a point to let the "boys" have their time alone.

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    Registered User patra's Avatar
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    I agree with most other posters here--I hope you find the best solution,at 13 its important for a boy to have his father in his life as a positive way to be as he grows up,and at 13 he is going through a lot of coming of age issues;Im sure it is very frustrating to be sandwiched in the middle,I always tell myself to let go and try not to control situations, though sometimes I get angry i try to remember that-as long as he is not being purposely disrespectful and challenging you manipulating situations, i think that a deep breathe and a step back to allow their relationship to grow : I really hope you work it out-

    patty

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