What can you do...

[mombottoo]

My daughter was over last night and while I am not a stepmom, she is. In order for those reading to have a better understanding of the situation I am going to give a short history. Shortly after her hubby left his 1st wife he realized that she had been doing things she shouldn't have been for years and he took the children and gained custody due to these issues. The oldest boy/child has always gave my daughter & her hubby a run for their money. He misbehaves in school, gets horrid grades and is a bully and he is also manipulative and lies and steals...he can't be trusted. This has been going on for four years and he is now 13 and in 7th grade.

She had his IEPC yesterday, his report card sucked, he's been skipping classes, when teachers asked him what his parents would think...he told them his parents didn't care what he did and didn't care if he didn't do his work at school...which of course is not true. During the meeting my daughter told the teachers, principal, ect. that the only way that they were ever going to stay a head of her ss was if they linked elbows, kept in contact and if ss said so & so said, then you'd better check to make sure so & so really did say whatever it was ss states they said...they also agreed with my daughter that due to ss's attitude, lack of trying and behaviors there wasn't any reason to continue wasting special education funds or these teachers' time to keep ss in special ed classes...so now he will start strictly general ed on Monday. He is capable of doing general ed work, he just doesn't do it...he wasn't doing work in the other classes either.

I have tried numerous times to talk to my grandson and I have tried to explain to him that the choices he is making now are going to affect him for the rest of his life. It is so hard to get kids to understand this aspect of life. How can you convince a 13 year old, that he is laying a very weak foundation for himself once he gets to be an adult? I had issues at times with my kids over school & what not...but, even I have to admit this kid is a hard nut to crack. When my daughter first became part of their lives none of the 3 were at grade level and their behaviors left a lot to be desired, it was horrible. Now, the other two are A/B students and have gained ground tremendouly...they are both great kids and really put forth a lot of effort, then you have the oldest boy. This child has and is causing a tremendous amount of stress within the family and I feel for all of them.

They have tried everything and I do mean everything to get the eldest to conform and are at their wits end. My daughter is to the point that she would pack him up and give him to his mother...but, that's not an option. Any suggestions?

[joyofsix]

He sounds really angry, and has a reason to because his mom stinks. It's not rational to take it our on your dd and her dh but what's rational to a kid. Other than some counseling (which you can't make him participate in I would just keep on trying to talk. It can't hurt. Sorry I don't have any answers.

[mommy4ever]

What about a summer camp? Not necessarily a boot camp, I don't know that I agree with that, but perhaps a military run camp, something that can give him pride in what he accomplished there? It would have to be something very structured. My aunt adopted kids that are like this. She enrolled them in "cadets" here, it's a year round program, and it really turned 3/4 of them around! While their grades aren't strong, they are now taking pride in it,a nd trying(We suspect FAS) to do something. The eldest unfortunately is a lost soul. Not sure what will happen to him.

But these programs while not necessarily for "problem" children, as my own son is in it and loves it, it gives them a structure that they might be lacking(in their own minds). I've seen some kids really turn around.

If nothing else, he'd get some space from the family. Kudos to her, for standing up for him and trying to get him straight!

[leezza]

Perhaps a Military school? It sounds like from what you have posted that he is one angry kid and he is now getting to a age where he is getting big......I am sure your daughter has already thought about this......but they could also try a karate class and make sure the teacher is really strict, might turn him around if he knew that if he was out of line he could get his butt kicked.

JMHO,
leezza

[mombottoo]

Thank you for your ideas. My daughter has already considered those options, but their money is limited. Her hubby makes a little over 12 bucks an hour and that doesn't go for when there are 7 people, not to mention the critters in the family.

Maybe he's just going to have to be one of those people who has to fall literally flat on his face before he'll straighten out...it's just that I see such wasted potential in that boy. He is polite and very respectful towards my hubby & myself, I just wish I knew what to do to help him through his angst. I also hate to see my son-in-law & daughter get kicked in the teeth repeatedly by him...it's a no win situation if he doesn't pull his head out of his hind end.

[[email protected]]

Does the school offer any type of counseling program for the students? I know some do. He does sound like he's very angry and needs a way to work that out. Is he and his father close at all? I hope that things do work out for your family. Thirteen is a very tough time for kids as it is.
All the best.

[mombottoo]

Does the school offer any type of counseling program for the students? I know some do. He does sound like he's very angry and needs a way to work that out. Is he and his father close at all? I hope that things do work out for your family. Thirteen is a very tough time for kids as it is.
All the best.

Yes, he is going to start counseling through the school this next week. He's already been through the counseling route a couple of times, but none of the counselors so far have been able to get anywhere with him...so hopefully the school counselor will be able to crack this egg!

[cissylu]

I feel for your daughter and her ss.
I have raised my dgs9yrs. and he has been a hand ful.
maybe this counselor can help him.
my dgs has a lot of anger also.
he has adhd. and I think he may be bipolar I`m not sure about that one . he act`s like it.
I know it`s hard to raise kid`s now day`s.
I hope every thing work`s out soon.

[i.m.cheap]

Raising kids is HARD, and 13 is a rough age. I went through a horrible time at 13 myself. I wish I had more advice, but I am still learning. My dd is almost 12, and very moody.

[LuvMyHubby]

He is definately angry and probably about more than one thing and this is his way of expression.. not appropriate.. but they only way he knows how.

Counceling is a good suggestion. Is something going on at school to make it worse, perhaps conflict or bullying?

What about sports? If the middle school isn't a pay to play and everyone plays, it could give him a good outlet for some of his pent up anger. Rec departments have programs with scholarships sometimes or even chess club.

Maybe he could volunteer at a local animal shelter or soup kitchen. It may give him an insight on how he actually is not so bad off.

I also had a very moody sometimes angry 13 year old, it wasn't easy. My best wishes to your daughter and sil.

[struglew3kids]

OK I have a 13 year old son myself. He has ADHD and it sounds like your grandson may have it. Look up the behavior aspect of this condition. I am not sure if he is also hyper or not, but may be worth looking into. I am against medication children. However knowing he has ADHD has helped me figure out a plan to keep him on track. Talking to the teacher and working as a team is a great step.

[danni]

Thank you for your ideas. My daughter has already considered those options, but their money is limited. Her hubby makes a little over 12 bucks an hour and that doesn't go for when there are 7 people, not to mention the critters in the family.

I don't know about in thge US but here in Canada the cadet programs are free. Everything is provided for them including their uniforms. My oldest was involved for about 3 years with army cadets and the twins are both in air cadets for the past year. My oldest is bi-polar and one of the twins has ADD and the other is ADHD. I didn't want to medicate them, but I find that the structure has helped them alot, especially the oldest. When he started he was angry and could get violent. He was in counselling and it wasn't helping at all, now he has gotten alot better at managing his moods.

[jantana]

I'm not a stepmom, but a foster mom. We see a lot of this too. She's teaming up with the teacher's is a good thing. Structure is another. The more structure the better. Mom and dad being on the same page is a big must. Don't let him play one off the other. Stand united. She's going to have to dig her heels in deep and hold on for the ride. My kids that have gone through our home, some of them there was no hope, but most if we saw a slight glimmer, we went for it, giving them unconditional love but letting them know that we wouldn't stand for what they were shoveling out. We have boys that have come back after they have left and thanked us for not backing down on them or giving up. I'm not saying it was easy. But with God's help we have made it. Good luck.