She's pregnant!
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Thread: She's pregnant!

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    Registered User JustJoy's Avatar
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    Unhappy She's pregnant!

    My stepdaughter that is She's 3 months along and due in October. This was no accident, even though she swears it was. DH and I know for a fact that she has never once used any kind of birth control. How do we know? She and her boyfriend told us.

    Anyway....she just turned 18 last week and is still in school. She graduates at the end of May. This is her first boyfriend and has been with him for a little over a year. They've been having sex for at least 10 months. They both refuse to consider abortion or adoption. They say they want to get married and raise it. The problem is...financially they are living in a dream world. Her boyfriend is only 6 months older than her, has a low paying job, no insurance, and living at home. My stepdaughter has never worked a day in her life. How are two 18 yr olds are going to be able to find a place to live and pay for it...not to mention the utilities, food, everything needed for the baby, gas for the car, car insurance, etc...??

    Well this is where "mommy" wants to step in. She said if my stepdaughter continues to live with her (I guess boyfriend is welcome too) she will keep my stepdaughter on her insurance while she's PG) and help her out any way (including financially). My stepdaughter doesn't want this. Her mother is extremely controlling and will do almost anything to keep my stepdaughter under her thumb and indebted to her. Sick, but true....but that's a whole different story...lol I think a big factor in the reason she got pregnant was to get out of her mom's house and away from the control, but it's pretty much backfiring....she forgot to think about the financial responsibilities and many other obstacles she'll have to face.

    DH and I are having a hard time with this...we feel it's going to be a disaster anyway you look at it....but..we told my stepdaughter we will be there anytime she needs us emotionally, but not financially. If these two kids want to do this.....they are going to have to start doing things for themselves. Are we being too harsh? Maybe....but she's an adult now and she's going to have to deal with her choices and face the consequences of her actions.

    Ok...I'm done ranting ..... I just needed to get this out. I know I haven't been on the boards much and this is a big part of the reason....the other is work.....which I'd like to add is going wonderfully

    Any advice or suggestions welcome

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    I agree that if they are unwilling to consider the alternatives, then you should support them financially. Maybe the reality of the situation will encourage them to consider adoption as she progresses. *hugs*

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    Well I totally understand where you are coming from. I had 2 kids when I was 18. Its possible to raise this child even though she is almost 18. She needs to get a job asap so she can provide for this child. I was never on any type of welfare assistance (except wic), my mother wouldn't let me. Good luck!!!

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    Registered User FreesiaE's Avatar
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    I agree that you should be there emotionally. I also think that she made a very adult decision and therefore needs to accept adult consequences; I wouldn't give her money.

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    Registered User FrugalMomof3's Avatar
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    I honestly dont think you are too harsh, kids these days think it's cool to have a baby but when the baby comes and as we all know, it's much more than they can handle.

    I think that maybe you and your DH should take a step back and let her make her own mistakes, remember she's 18 now. You CAN be there for her emotionally and physically but NOT financially. If you make an effort to be there for her financially this will mean (to her) that she will keep coming back for support with money.

    If it were my DD, I would be terribly upset but I would be there for her but I wouldnt give her any money, she would have to learn just like I did. She would also (hate to say this) not be living in my home with her boyfriend and a new baby.

    On that note, before anyone thinks bad of me... I had my kids early (1 at 17 and other other at 19) I am a good mom and I didnt rely on anyone (except my boyfriend/1st DH) but I raised my kids without my parents and here I am today with both of my kids still here (2nd son with issues) but I did it on my own.

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    I understand you are unhappy-I would be to. But you need to be supportive of her by telling her that she CAN do this if her and her boyfriend work, but that it will be tough. I am all for the tough love stuff, but maybe if you help her see that with hard work she can do this, she might just surprise you. You just need to make it out that she can do it alone-she does not need your help or her mothers. The mind works in stange ways, and if the picture painted for her is one where she cannot do it, well, she just might NOT be able to! Point out to her that YES other people have done this, and YES it WILL be hard, but she can do it too. I would be careful about pushing adoption or abortion on her if it were me. If you do, and if she would agree, in the future she may end up resenting you &/or your husband and that could make life a lot harder on all of you.....just my thoughts......

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    Registered User Megareader's Avatar
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    As far as the insurance goes...your sd's mom might want to double check the coverage. I know our ins. will only cover me for maternity benefits, not dependent children.

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    Registered User JustJoy's Avatar
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    Thank you all for your input. I really appreciate it.

    Tracy.... I too was a young mom. I had my son at age 19. The difference being (between my stepdaughter and I) I was married @ 18, my husband had a good job, insurance, and we had our own apt. and we could pay all our bills. Just wanted to add....my son was not planned and as prepared as I thought I was...Woah baby! Nothing prepares you for labor, delivery, and this new little life that you are totally responsible for 24/7. I had a long heart to heart talk with my stepdaughter when she was just a month PG and told her exactly what things are going to be like, but of course she thinks she can handle it and things will be easier....different..for her.... *sigh*

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    Registered User FrugalMomof3's Avatar
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    Joy,

    I know what you mean, I too was married at the ripe age of 17, thought it was the best thing ever, I was about 3 mos. prego when I got married and I was anxious. I was a young mother and while hanging with the friends was hard I did pretty much the things I wanted with my son in tow.

    I guess my point is be there for her except financially, she will learn things that she never expected, we all did. I am NOT saying by any means a 18 year old cannot have a kid, but there is alot of things a child needs besides diapers and food, she needs to realize that.

    On that note, I dont regret having my kids young, my oldest is 18 (to be 19 in Sept.) and he is in college, my middle DS is now 17 and my DD is 12. I love my kids no matter what but my mistakes help me to teach them.

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    Registered User kaykwilts's Avatar
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    She did an adult thing before she was financially able to do so by lying down with her boyfriend and now she has to take the consequences of her actions. She is either going to swallow her pride and live with her controlling mother or get off her rear end and find a job. She can work up until the baby is born. It won't be easy but it can be done. The BF needs to step up to the plate and get an extra job.

    And I don't blame her for not wanting to put her baby up for adoption and I definitely do not agree with aborting a life.

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    As I read the posts, I was thinking about the baby and his/her needs in this situation. The only think I can do is think, "What would I do if this were my DD?" I guess I have to go against the grain a little here and I'm having a hard time wording this. I would first let her know that I was disappointed in her choice of decisions, but would then tell her "what's done is done" and would support her decision to raise her child. Would I pay her bills for her? No. Would I see my grandchild go without food (formula), warm clothes, medicine, car seat, things of that nature? No. Second hands things are fine, but formula and medicine are things that can't (or shouldn't) be bought second hand. If DD and her BF were doing their best (budgeting, no extras, etc.) and still couldn't make it, I would provide the things the baby needed. Some may say that this is enabling, but if the parents are being responsible and still can't make ends meet, I would not let the child go without the essentials.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Hannah's mom View Post
    As I read the posts, I was thinking about the baby and his/her needs in this situation. The only think I can do is think, "What would I do if this were my DD?" I guess I have to go against the grain a little here and I'm having a hard time wording this. I would first let her know that I was disappointed in her choice of decisions, but would then tell her "what's done is done" and would support her decision to raise her child. Would I pay her bills for her? No. Would I see my grandchild go without food (formula), warm clothes, medicine, car seat, things of that nature? No. Second hands things are fine, but formula and medicine are things that can't (or shouldn't) be bought second hand. If DD and her BF were doing their best (budgeting, no extras, etc.) and still couldn't make it, I would provide the things the baby needed. Some may say that this is enabling, but if the parents are being responsible and still can't make ends meet, I would not let the child go without the essentials.
    I have to say that I agree with you on this.

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    You might think about having your SD babysit a newborn for a while just to see what it is like to be needed all the time.

    It sounds like you are doing very well with the situation. I agree about being supportive in the emotional part.....but letting them know there will be no financial help. You may want to sit down with her and BF and let them know that you and your family will not be helping them with their finaces.

    JMHO,
    leezza

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    Registered User mmy2grls's Avatar
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    Ont he flip side it is possible for the two to grow up and do what they need to do to be responsible

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    I was a 17 year old High School senior when I got pregnant. My oldest was born when I was 18. His dad and I did get married and, although it didn't last, we worked very hard to make the best of a challenging situation. I gave up a scholarship to raise my baby... and never regretted it.... later in life I did have an opportunity to attend nursing school and even though I'm married to a wonderful provider... I could support myself and my kids if needed. Getting pregnant so young wasn't easy by any stretch of the imagination.. but it did push me over that threshold between childhood and adulthood... would I change anything?? probably not. I'm who I am today becasue of the obsticles in my life.

    my folks were saddened that my life would be harder for me... but they were there to teach me how to budget my money, how to cook healthy foods for my family, how to change a tire (lol) and how to be a mother and a wife. They couldn't afford to help us financially, but emotionally both sets of parents were wonderful.

    you'd be surprised at what kids can accomplish when they have to... good luck to your family.

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