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Thread: I am really hurting over this.
09-20-2010, 06:47 PM #1
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I am really hurting over this.
Gosh its such a long story. I need to vent, I need to cry, and I guess I need to let it be.
I get a text today from my dads girl friend saying "were engaged."
I guess some background would be good.
I moved in with dad when I was 13. Dad was married. A few months later got divorced, went in a total depression. Worked non stop. I never saw dad. He gave me $10 a day to buy food and I did whatever I wanted. Stayed out all night, hung out with friends, partied, drugs, drank...ya know all the stuff a 13 year old should never do. Dad really did not care...
When I was 15 dad meets this girl who is 18. They both act like they are 12. Tickling each other, and giggling, and kissing, and all that gross stuff you don't do in front of your daughter. They would do things that I think really scared me, leaving condoms on the floor for all my friends to see...My friends are over they go upstairs to his room. I lost so many friends once my friends found out she was nearly our age, though legal. I hate her. Dad never talked to me really, hung out with me, came home, gave two craps about me after meeting her.
At 17 I get pregnant, dad kicks me out. I don't talk to dad again til I am 19. They broke up. Dads totally depressed.
At 21 I need to move back in with dad because I was broke, no money, no job, you all know...
Dads still totally depressed, still unaware of how mentally hurt I was because of him and her.
Then...they get back together. I am totally happy for dad, because he was hurting so bad without her.
A month ago I turned 22. 3 weeks ago they broke up because she started seeing someone else, and was not sure what she wanted. Then a week and a 1/2 ago they get back together.
Today I am texting my dad back and fourth about a few things, he says he is going out of state to see my grand mom (his mom). No mention of "Hey! I am going to propose today!". Nothing about it.
Then she texts me. Her. Not him. Her.
And...shes going to be moving in soon. Not sure when, but soon.
My 12 year old brother does not know, and I can't tell him. Not my place but he is going to be upset to because dad is doing to my brother, what he did to me (with her). My brother knows how I feel because he is going through the same thing right now that I went through a few years ago.
But...I am still hurting over it. Sometimes I feel like I am still a 13 year old who feels they need their dad. I did not have a mom, and I really never had a dad.
But, I remind myself often, Ash...its time to grow up. And I think I have. But I just need these next few hours, to cry and be upset about it. Because I am. And I am not exactly sure why.
Am I upset because I feel like she ruined my relationship with my dad before we could even start one? Am I upset because she got 100% more attention than my brother and I ever did? Am I upset because I just don't like her as a person? Am I upset because I hate how my dad is so childish when he is with her?
Whatever it is, I am balling my eyes out
How am I suppose to be happy for him?
Okay well, I guess I am done. Time to stop being selfish.
09-20-2010, 07:17 PM #2
i am sorry you feel this way -- hugs
but really as an adult now you need to realize your dad made choices to act as he did ...its not all her fault so no use hating her or saying its her fault you dont have a realtionship with your dad - he was a big boy .
if it wasnt her it might have been someone else . friends - TV alcohol or drugs -
some people just arent good at the parenting thing and choose not to learn how to be - you could put them on a deserted island and they would stare at the sea rather than interact with kids-
its easier to blame her rather then your dad because it hurts less to say she caused it then he decided to allow it but you wont get past it until you do accept his choices in it all
there are millions of divorced people who meet new GF and BF and dont tune out their kids when they do -
but it sounds like your dad puts woman and sex before parenting and thats his deal.. you may need to remember how it hurt you and try to be there for your brother when he needs supoort etc without putting her emotions into him .
best way to get past it all and not feel like a 13 yo little girl when this happens is to accept the reality of whose doing it was and love him for what he did good rather than what he didnt do .
09-20-2010, 07:18 PM #3
BTW i am betting your dad has an inkling of how you feel about this all and had the GF call you trying to somehow make things seem better or more like a friends situation.
have a good cry - you will feel better .... nothing wrong with that ....
and then just worry about your relationship with you and your dh and your future plans - because those are things you can have some control of.
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09-20-2010, 07:21 PM #4
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I don't just blame her though, I really do blame him equally because he did say to me two weeks ago when they broke up that he knows he put her on a pedestal and thats not right and he knows he needs to be there for his own kids before he can have kids with her and he feels foolish for wanting kids with her right now and this and that...In one ear out the other really.
I do understand I am an adult now, and I need to let it go, thats why I said in my post I just need a few minutes to vent and cry, and then I am done.
But I definitely do not just blame her.
Thanks for your kind words!! Hug!
Edit: And yeah, I am thinking he told her to tell me. But it hurts me that my dad feels he couldn't tell me if thats the case...I guess we will find out. My dad knows I am the most loving and understanding person. I don't think I would of been as hurt if he would of told me himself.
09-20-2010, 07:50 PM #5
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you've had to go through what you did as a young teenager.
If ever you feel you need therapy, go for it. It sounds like you've been put through a lot of emotional turmoil throughout your life.
Learn from his mistakes and try to not to repeat the mistakes that he's made and is making. You know what hurt you as a child, so do your best not to ever let that happen to your children.
I wish I could see you in person so I could put my arms around you and let you cry.
09-20-2010, 08:32 PM #6
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Awww hon. It sounds to me like your dad never grew up. It sounds to me like he doesn't want to grow up at all. My dad was pretty much the same; he did what he wanted without care for his kids.
While I've never had to go through what you went through, I can certainly feel for what you're going through now. It's rough having a father who really can't handle being a father.
I don't blame you for being really upset over this. I think once you and Wayne get established and on your feet again, you need to tell him how things are making you feel and leave them at that. See how he reacts... if he reacts the same as before, then you know you need some space from him again.
09-20-2010, 09:18 PM #7
Big hugs Ashley!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
09-20-2010, 10:01 PM #8
First off *huge hugs* Ash.
You have to remember two things - you both are adults now and both deserve to be happy. Its nice to be considerate of each other but sometimes that doesn't happen - in general. I am sorry he's not the dad you hoped for but in his case, maybe thats the best he could've been? Sad excuse and no I'm not making excuses for him either.
You need to find a time where you both are alone together and talk about his engagement openly w/o name calling, shouting or yelling. Calmly express how this news makes you feel b/c first he broke up with her 2 wks ago and now they're getting married and the fact that you're hurt b/c she told you, not him and go from there. If he gets defensive, try to deflate the situation and explain you're not there to attack him, you just want to talk. Discuss everything openly. This way he knows how you feel and you can get it off your chest.
You're both adults, you love each other b/c you're blood. This doesn't mean you're going to approve of each other's decisions in life. The best thing you can do - though you may not approve - is be there for each other to pick up the pieces. Support each other. If this means you both have to part ways for a few years so you both have time to fall, fail and learn....so be it. I'll admit it, the truth hurts sometimes.
As for your brother...the best thing you can do is be there for him. A 'constant' in his life he can turn to when he has questions or a sounding board. Just be there for him.
09-21-2010, 12:30 AM #9
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Thanks guys! Lib, I got your PM and you rock!!!
While I know we are both grown ups, and we love each other because we are blood and stuff, I do love my dad so much. I really always thought of my dad as my best friend. I love the person he is. I just hate the father that he is, and I don't think its the best father he can be. I think he could of tried harder. I don't see any sense of trying at all really. But thats just my opinion. I went out tonight with DH and played free poker, and it was nice to get my mind off it, but I am stuff hurting from this. I need to find a place to leave my hurt. I need to let it go. I need it to heal. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to just let go all the feelings and hurt I feel from the things he did to me.
And as for my brother, I love him more than life itself. He is the most amazing person. Ever. I will always be there for my brother no matter what.
Thanks guys <3
09-21-2010, 12:40 AM #10
Ash - I forgot to add, once you have that talk, leave everything in the past. You've said your peace and if he doesn't change...you've tried. The change is all on him...you can't force him to change right? He will do it when he's ready. I know its hard to do and easy for me to say. By all means, I have not walked in your shoes and am not going to pretend to sympathize but the one thing I have learned in life....do what you can. Worry about yourself first.
Worry about what you can do and not what you can't. Work on YOU Ashley. *hugs*
09-21-2010, 09:36 AM #11
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Thanks for sharing your background.
There is a saying that I agree with very much - every story has three sides - your side, their side, and the truth. Because of this, I never assume any one person's story is completely accurate without verification.
That said, assuming that your story is even REMOTELY accurate (which it would be hard NOT to assume that) then you are right. You never really had a father. I don't know what he was, but he wasn't a father.
Relationships are based on mutual respect and admiration. Respect comes from a mutual sharing of values and beliefs. Admiration comes from witnessing a person be true to the values and beliefs we share.
Your father - what exactly has he got in common with you when it comes to values and beliefs? How does he live up to your mental picture of what your father should be - what you want him to be?
Here's the thing - he dropped the ball in raising you. He had a job to do as a parent that he didn't do. That's got nothing to do with his girlfriend - it's about HIS responsibilities and HIS choices and how he failed. But that's also all in the past - you are an adult now, and you are no longer dependent upon any grown up but yourself for your decisions and direction in life. It means you don't owe anyone anything unless YOU agree to the debt, and it also means they don't owe YOU anything unless THEY agree to the debt.
It's pretty clear that your father has made it clear that he doesn't agree to owe you anything when it comes to your concerns, your wishes, your values. So why on earth would you feel obligated to owe him anything either? Yeah, I know, you live under his roof - but that's a material arrangement, and you only need to live up to your terms of that arrangement until you and Wayne are able to get your feet under you again and move out (AND DO NOT RUSH IT THIS TIME OR I WILL BEAT YOU!).
You have a choice to disconnect yourself from him emotionally. You have a choice to say to yourself, "Ok, I am not going to delude myself anymore about my dad. I'm not important to him, he's not going to be important to me." And if you can do that, then you can unplug yourself emotionally from him so that he cannot affect you anymore, even if he's under your roof. Once you see him for the value he actually has in your life, instead of the value you WANT him to have, you will find it extremely easy to simply turn off his opinions and actions as unimportant. The only ones that will matter will be those that affect your temporary living situation, and you'll be out of there in a few months anyway.
Okay well, I guess I am done. Time to stop being selfish.
Time to start.
09-21-2010, 09:39 AM #12
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First response posted after reading first post. Subsequent followup - since you do feel like you and Dad can be friends, you should focus on making him "Buddy Dad" in your head, instead of "Father to whom I lean on as a Daughter". He's never been the latter, and after all this time, likely never will be.
If the value to you is simply of "Buddy Dad" then let go of the expectations that don't fit that model.
09-21-2010, 09:42 AM #13
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