having a hard time lately.....
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  1. #1
    Registered User Laney's Avatar
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    Unhappy having a hard time lately.....

    I'll go ahead and apologize now if this get's too long....I don't have anyone to really talk to about this so this thread is just more or less for me to get it out


    my mom was not a perfect parent. she was an alcoholic and divorced my dad when I was 8. she left and I didn't see her for about 4 years. my brother got sick when I was 12 and she moved back in to my dad's house to care for my brother, she had sobered up and stopped drinking by this time. after a year my brother was well enough to move out on his own, but my mother continued living at my dad's house.

    I was very happy to have my mom around since she had missed a big part of my childhood. life wasn't that great while she was gone since all my dad did was work and I basically raised myself. I think after my brother got well and moved out, those 3 years I had with her were some of the best times of my life. we would do lots of things together, go to the mall, go to the beach, she would cook....I think that's what reminds me of her the most-foods she use to cook, she would go to parades that my marching band was in, and on and on. she helped me get my driver's license

    one afternoon I came home from high school and walked in the house. I told her hey and asked her how she was feeling because she had said she wasn't feeling well that morning before I left for school. I had walked in the living room while talking to her and she was lying on the couch. I will never forget this as long as I live...she asked me what time my dad was getting home from work and I turned around to answer her and saw her take her last breath. I called 911 but the paramedics could never revive her. she was dead before they got to the hospital. I watched my mom die at the age of 16....she was only 55 years old.

    she past away 16 years ago in October and I thought I had been handling it well over the years...until this year. this year I cried on her birthday in May, I cried on Mother's Day, I was a wreck last month especially the day she died, and now. I don't know what's wrong....I just know I miss her. it's like a huge wound that has reopened after years of being closed.

    I try so hard to hide my feelings from my dh and my kids. dh lost his grandmother 3 years after I lost my mom and he can just sit and talk about lots of memories with her and smile when he thinks of her. me? I can't mention one thing about my mom this year without getting emotional. she had a Scrabble game that I would play with her that I still have. I play that same game with my son and when he asked me something about my mom the other day, all I could do was burst into tears

    I have to find the tolerable balance I once had to deal with her absence....I would give anything to have just one more day with her

  2. #2
    Registered User HungerIsRage's Avatar
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    I am so sorry. That is a very young age to lose someone. My mother passed this sept. 14th and I haven't yet been able to grieve, so I can only imagine how you feel. The only thing that gets me through the sad things are remembering the good times, and realizing that my mom loved me and wanted me to be as happy as I could be, as your dh does.

    Maybe talk to others near you, even if only to let them know you are going through this. Grieving is a very natural thing, and it doesn't ever end, in my opinion. Let it happen (advice I am going to need to deal with myself). Only then can the sadness pass.

  3. #3
    Registered User MissSeetonFan's Avatar
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    From what I've heard from people who have lost children, parents, and others close/important to them, it can come back and hit you HARD even when you thought you were "done" with the grieving, even years later. Recognizing that and accepting it, then finding a way to vent it will help.

    Don't hide your feelings. You need to talk them out somehow. Write them down. Something. Maybe that's what you've been needing to do. The more you try to hide them, the worse it will end up being and possibly the longer this bout of grieving will last.

    I haven't experienced what you have. And I haven't had issues with grief over a close relative or friend dying, but I am going to be dealing with it shortly. We know ahead of time that our baby is not going to survive long after birth. There is nothing we can do but prepare for that end. So I've been asking friends and relatives I trust how they have dealt with things. One friend lost two adult children - one to accident and one to suicide. Her own sister lost a baby at 9 months old or so over 30 years ago. A cousin lost a baby in similar circumstances to ours. An uncle lost his first wife and one baby in childbirth. One of my cousins, son of this same uncle and that first wife, just died from a very rare cancer. Another friend lost a baby at 38 weeks. So I'm surrounded by some experts in loss and grieving.

    What I said above reflects some of what they have told me. And I have already been applying it to the grieving that we have started feeling, even though the loss is still technically in the future.

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  5. #4
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    Sending hugs your way. What you went through as a child must have been very difficult. Don't be afraid to seek someone out to speak to. What you are going through is not something you should have to go through by yourself. There are people out there that can help you with your grief. Take care.

  6. #5
    Member Darlene's Avatar
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    I agree with seeking out someone to help you work through your feelings. No time table on feelings and what can trigger the past hurts alive again. I lost my Dad when I was 13 and he died in front of me too of a massive heart attack. I still miss him and most of my sadness comes from all that he missed with me and my kids and all the questions I never got the chance to ask of him. I still cry every now and then and it's always going to be a bittersweet thing. You loved her and you miss her and it's ok to cry and ok to seek a professionals help if you find it's affecting your everyday life too much & getting harder to cope with. Big hug!




  7. #6
    Registered User SwirlyThing's Avatar
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    I feel for you. I lost my mom at 19; she was 56. We knew it was coming, which made it easier I guess. But sometimes I still cry.

    I lost my dad when I was 21. I lost my son when I was 25. It's been 16 years since my son died. I still cry sometimes... in fact I'm holding back the tears just typing this out... and this year has for some reason been worse than others.

    The pain never entirely goes away. I think it's normal for it to creep up now and again. And I find that when I'm under extra stress in other areas in my life that the grief of past losses seems to increase. And the worse the stress the longer and deeper the grief feels to me. That's been my experience anyway.

    I think that only advice I have is to let DH know when you're grieving. He can hold you and be supportive and help you through it.

  8. #7
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    I know you said you just needed to get it out and I can understand that. It helps a person to cry/talk about it. I lost my little sister three years ago and just when I think I'm doing fine, she pops up in my mind and I bawl my eyes out. She was way too young to die. I get angry about it. It helps to talk to my hubby about her, tell him the good and bad stuff, and cry some more. It's only natural. Her birthday is two days away and I know it's going to be tough but I'll get through it. I know she's here watching over me.

    You take care and I'm sending you a humongous hug!

  9. #8
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    I'm sending hugs to you all. I've still got both my parents and I feel blessed to have them. I'm 45 years old. I've Lost All my grandparents. My grandmother died 10 years ago 2 days before my b-day( I was with her when she died I was her 1st grand child) and was buried on my b-day it was very hard for me. I cried every year on my b-day for the next 3 years after her death. Sometimes I still cry when I think about her. I remember she is always with me. Just as your mom is always with you. It is ok to cry and miss her. Talk to your family or someone it will help. Hugs to you TC

  10. #9
    Registered User Debbie-cat's Avatar
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    Hugs Laney. The grief never goes away and can pop up at any time when you lose a loved one. You need to have someone to talk to. I heard once from a friend who lost her Mother that when she was missing her the most, she would write in a journal. The journal was filled with letters to her Mom. She said it helped alot. She actually still keeps journals and now writes the good things that are happening in her life as well.....still as letters to her Mom. Writing the letters makes her feel closer, like her Mom can actually read them.

    Let yourself grieve, it's a process that is neverending.




  11. #10
    Registered User Trishagirl's Avatar
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    Laney I can really identify with you on this. My mom was an alcoholic just to deal w the death of my dad when I was only 2 he died at work and left her to raise 11 children alone. She was an ok mom made mistakes but did her best concidering the circumstances. She never remarried but had guy friends that wanted to marry her. She got throat cancer when I was 16 and went thru chemo and radiation and surgery. In my senior yr I took care of her it was very hard year on me but she got to see me graduate w/my aunt and grandma! She died that Nov 4th. November 7th dad died so it's a hard Month for me. I just am blessed to have those yrs with her. I miss her alot. Wish she could see my boys. I know that she is looking down on me. & my dad too! Hugs (:

  12. #11
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    Aw Laney, I'm so sorry sweetie. It sure is hard losing a mother and especially so at such a young age. I was your age when my mother passed away and she was 63 and I still feel that I was "cheated" out of so many more great years with her. I think as we get older, we often need our mothers even more. Hugs.

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    grief takes its own sweet time. I don't think you quit. It just changes. My mom has been gone for 4 years last year I cried like a baby this year I am sad she died Nov12. So the holidays are hard on me. If it to over bearing go get some counciling. Grief is not something u just get over and lasts in some form forever. A loved can not ever be replaced.hugs and prayers pen

  14. #13
    Registered User Lora88's Avatar
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    I was fortunate enough to have my Dad around till he was 90 no matter when you lose a parent it hurts beyond belief. My dad was my best friend and even though it has been over 2 years If i think about him I tear up . Grief has no time table I think when you lose someone you love you never really get over it you just cope with the loss I know myself I will miss my dad till the day I die

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