are you kidding me???
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  1. #1
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    Default are you kidding me???

    So guess who needs 2 more back surgeries in October? The only functional person in the house, dear old dad. 5 days inpatient but he absolutely hates visitors, just me or my mom, sit for 10 mins and then he wants us gone. I think he likes it, he doesn't have to take care of anyone, they have wifi, he brings his Nook and he raves about the absolutely disgusting food.

    Told my brother this time he HAS to come home once my dad is discharged. He was terrible when my dad and I were both in the hospital. Stayed 2 days, slept til noon, let my aunt feed him, barely did a thing except bring me home, heard my dad was coming home, knew that would pose a caregiving problem so he bailed.

    Last time, the brain bleeds made my dad so confused and violent. He would insist on sleeping on the too small couch, all night long we did this: thump, I wake up, he's on floor, I am very ill at this juncture but I am a nurse, I will do my best to get him back on the couch. Except he insisted he was in bed while on the floor so when I tried to pull him up, he would be belligerent, fists flailing. Eventually he got tired so he'd help me get him up, still insisting on the couch. An hour later, THUMP. For 4-5 days, he was off the reservation. My mom agreed to make sure he ate 3x/day and bedtime snack. He's been a diabetic for almost 40 years, nothing new here, she knows this stuff. Well, once he left the reservation so did she but didn't warn me. I went into to check on them before bed and realize I hadn't seen him eat today. My mom says, "he had a huge breakfast, don't you dare wake him up, he's tired." I take his blood sugar, 40, not good, if he went until morning with no food, he wouldn't be tired, he would be dead. All the while she is hysterically screaming at me to leave or she is calling the police. Fine, maybe I can convince them she was trying to put him in a deadly diabetic coma and they would take her away! He eats, crisis averted, she's hysterical, saying how much she hates me and as soon as I am better, I am kicked out (of the house I own part of). It was like she could not cope with his belligerence, she had too much anxiety and kind of lost touch with reality.

    I voicemail my brother, emailed and texts, telling him he has to come home and help. I cannot keep getting punched in the face trying to get a huge man off the floor and doing it multiple times a night. Mom is totally off her rocker. I do not want anyone to see my dad acting so crazy, or even my mom, for that matter. This was a family matter. I was just out of the hospital, IDK how he thought I could handle this alone, or live with himself for not coming home. He left me with all that for 5 days and never responded. Who does that? He sure feels comfortable borrowing thousands of dollars he will never pay back, but if they need him for the first time in his 42 yrs, he should've been there the first day this all started.

    he never responded to any calls, texts, or emails and we have never spoken about it. For myself, i cannot talk to him about it because part of me still hates him for not even texting a simple, "I am not going to help". He's not getting off this easy next time. His job allows him to work anywhere in the world with internet. With this much notice, if I get no response and he does not come home, there's a chance I am finally done with his shit.

    There are some things you just step and do when your parents need you. If I was the one out of town, I would've dropped everything and come. That SOB never responded. Amazingly, neither of my parents have any memory of those 5 days. And I'm glad, they do not need to know how they acted, I just have to make sure it doesn't happen again!

  2. #2
    Registered User ilovechocolate's Avatar
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    Bernice, you certainly don't need this on top of everything else. HUGS

    Now is the time to call in your nurse friends. Maybe they could take a shift helping you out once your dad gets home. Don't be shy. Please ask.

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    I'm sorry to complain so much, I was just so overwhelmed already, throw this in the mix and I'm losing it.

    How would you handle my brother? We go from being close, we have the exact same sense of humor, we laugh a lot, he can be a great support and friend. But on the other hand, 6 mos can go by and no one hears from him. It makes my mom cry. For probably a good decade, it's been more bad than good. When he would come home he would pick a fight and rant and rave, really angry about nothing. I knew he was depressed, he said he was. My shrink gave the name of one of the country's best shrinks at Harvard. Her partner, very good as well, took his insurance. I would give anything to have that kind of expertise. The guy got annoyed with Matt because he never followed through on anything, he would not prescribe anything different unless my brother saw a psychopharmacologist. He never went, therapy stopped and he is back to being a total jerk.

    I've tried just ignoring him right back, but honestly? I don't think he notices or cares. I know he is a toxic person who needs help or he's a jerk who knows he needs help but won't go. I have been told so many times to cut him out of my life (as if he would notice) but I love him and I just can't. He's my only sibling.

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    enough screwing around you need professional medical help in there yesterday.

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    Quote Originally Posted by frugalwarrior2 View Post
    enough screwing around you need professional medical help in there yesterday.
    The Palliative Care program is picking her up this week. So she will have an aide and a nurse who already knows she is in pain and breathing is bad, they promised to work on that first. The aide will shower her and help with light housekeeping in the bed room and bathroom, they do her laundry as well. And a social worker, who can tell us if she qualifies for anything else and a chaplain, this is important to her.

    If my dad goes nuts like after the brain bleeds, I'm calling 911, I am not lifting him with this thing in my brain, with my luck, it would burst. He was bad after the brain bleeds, but I think this is his 6th back surgery and he usually does great. If he is not great, I'm requesting VNA and will refuse to take him back home without it in place.

    we have the cleaning lady who is now a good friend, she would do anything for us and family and friends, as well. My aunt will come and stay.

    If my mom needs more help than the VNA aide provides, it is time to bite the bullet and get private duty aides, whether my parents like it or not

    I just wanted my brother to man up for once and have him run the show. Maybe if he saw how complicated just their meds are, how many MD appts they have, any and all of it, he would choose to do the right thing.

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    Bernice-if wishes were fishes the sea would be full. My fantasy was that my Dbro would coordinate w/ me over Dmoms care after Ddad passed. Nope. Sure was good at dumb ideas like dragging Dmom all over when 1 phone call would set things up.
    Some people are "without" and that won't change. If he were who you wanted he would already be there.
    Bottomline though you shouldnt be alone. If Pallative care is taking her somewhere and Ddad goes in the hosp. will you be alone? that won't work.

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    Make up a pallet next to the couch - and let him sleep there when he falls. Cover him after he falls.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Scout706 View Post
    Make up a pallet next to the couch - and let him sleep there when he falls. Cover him after he falls.
    this shows you how out to lunch I was, i'm a freaking nurse and just so sick, that did not even occur to me! Because it makes oh so much more sense when you are falling all the time, to pick up the old guy flailing and punching, too.

    We are never having another 5 days like that no matter how much it costs to hire aides

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    Quote Originally Posted by frugalwarrior2 View Post
    Some people are "without" and that won't change. If he were who you wanted he would already be there.
    Bottomline though you shouldnt be alone. If Pallative care is taking her somewhere and Ddad goes in the hosp. will you be alone? that won't work.
    do you still see your brother and are you on ok terms? Confronting my brother does not work, I cannot make him help. And I don't want to lose him every time our parents are in crisis or he just feels like ignoring everyone. But I've been thinking about it- he makes a very good income, of course he is in a huge amount of debt because he is incapable of handling money. If he cannot come, I'm going to request he chip in on the aides if we need extra. That's what a lot of hospice families did when the kids were all over the country. He will balk or just ignore that request but I am definitely putting that out there. Can't be bothered to come, fine, send cash to help your own parents who have lent and lent and lent to you when you make quadruple, actually more, what they live on, and the loans, you apparently think were gifts. They were not, they were to get you out of financial holes over and over. It's time to start paying those loans back. I'm so disgusted by him that maybe when we get closer to the surgery date, you guys can look over my email to him and make sure it's not mean or sarcastic?

    Palliative Care comes to the house, so mom and I will be together. It will force me to spend more time with her and that's a good thing. We'll be fine, order groceries with easy to make meals. She will try to avoid MD appts during that time but she has to go to the two clinics weekly. Family will do that. And I am just going to change any of mine. I think I may spring for the 3 legged walker that fits easier when you try to go somewhere. if not I'll use my moms. I will so extra careful not to fall. I have my tub seat, a really nice shower hose and two more grab bars. One is near the toilet and that really helps.

    we're good at muddling through and after last time's Hell Week, I now know what I cannot handle. And I cannot lift the angry elephant off the floor ever again, lol

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    No. Not unless He happens to be at Dmoms during a time I visit. or the hosp.
    No we dont go to each others houses,or see each others kids,no to the holidays.
    And we are both fine w/ that. There a whole conversation to add to that but lets just say his ignorance drives me crazy.

    As far as your situation-I'm out.

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    Quote Originally Posted by frugalwarrior2 View Post
    As far as your situation-I'm out.
    that's fine, I apologize if I offended you

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    Prayers for u and your family.I hope u can get the help u need..make pallet y the couch so he does not hurt himself.

    I am have trouble with Comprehension. And cognition... I can not help u much with advice but I do pray for u.

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    than you, OM. Prayers are the best because I get all twisted up trying to follow advice and then reverting to old habits

  15. #14
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    I doubt your brother is going to change. Unfortunately, that leaves you with the whole ball of wax. So do what helps YOU and do what YOU can do in the situation.

    So sorry he's that way, but it is what it is.

    Right now you need to concentrate on you and your parents.

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    [QUOTE=ilovechocolate;4112202753

    Right now you need to concentrate on you and your parents.[/QUOTE]

    you are right, I'm not even going to contact him unless something really bad happens. He knows the situation, he knows the dates and he knows we could use him. I don't need to say anything else, it will fall on deaf ears and it will upset me. I'm sad he is choosing not to be close, I hate that he doesn't even respond to my kids, I honestly miss him and want him in our lives. But that's not gonna happen now, if ever.

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