our aging parents.... - Page 3
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  1. #31
    Registered User rosey7415's Avatar
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    i very much enjoyed reading this thread. my mother is 83 and we are sure it won't be too long before she comes to live with us. there are 5 children, and she picked us to come and live with. i am grateful to be chosen.
    at this time she comes and stays every other week with us. the other week she is at her home and visits with an aunt. they go to the dollar store, walmart and then to subway for lunch. okey, once in a while it may vary...different stores and different places to eat. but it is good for her. sometimes it is very lonely due to aunt not visiting as she won't drive in the rain or if it has snowed. those weeks are pretty depressing for her. (she never had her license)

    my father died about 2 years ago. he was at home until the end.

    this thread gives me encouragement and a feeling that i will be able to share on here with members in the same situation. my dh has been wonderful and loves my ma as much as i do.

  2. #32
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    Our journey continues. How are you? We have switched over to Comcast triple play so I could have unlimited long distance. So, I'm calling dad every day, visiting once a week & 1 card a week. Taking in endless boxes of Kleenex, candy for the help, & shirts from the $sale @ the Salvation Army. Seems like every shirt has a problem. I haven't been too pleased with dad's room & had to complain to the housekeeping... But started to pick up myself. He continues to waste away... The rhubarb is ready..will bake a pie for him. Your parents...OK? (((HUGS)))

  3. #33
    Registered User krbshappy71's Avatar
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    Hello all, again, I just wanted to check in and say that I am so proud of my parents. They are road tripping to California to see my daughter!! They are taking the scenic route, taking their time. I'm worried about them but very proud of them for taking a step out of their comfort zone and traveling like they always said they would. It was heartbreaking to watch them just sit and stare at the four walls every day. I can't wait for them to come home and to see pictures, have stuff to talk about!! Hugs to all of you and I'm glad you are all there for me as my parents age. I hope this new experience kick starts them into living life again.

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  5. #34
    Registered User sunshine's Avatar
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    My mom died March 5th.

  6. #35
    Registered User rosey7415's Avatar
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    Default my update:

    my mother has now moved in with us. her house has just sold and we are about to sign for a new addition to my house. she is soooo happy here. even my sisters said she looks so much better since she moved here. she has a little tan from being outside so much. she is eating more which upsets her cause she is afraid of gaining any weight. she is stepping a little livelier now. my puppys keep her on her toes. i think they are keeping her young.....lol she is always doting on "her" puppies. she walks in the backyard alone and is more confident here with us. so far so good oh....and it was ALL her choice to come. she knew that she would end up here and i would never put her in a nursing home. (major fear of hers) so she said why wait till something happens to me? i could enjoy it now......so we said sure! she hasn't been home since she said that. saturday we are going with her and meeting my sister at her old home so she can go through her things to see what she wants and what she will donate.

  7. #36
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    Omigosh. Reading some of these posts is like having some of you right in my life!

    My mom is 83 and suffers from GBS, has had a stroke and a heart attack. She needs a cane or walker to get around most of the time, but is sometimes so tired that she is in her wheel chair. She has always been a bit dotty (think of Gracie Allen), but is now often completely off the wall. Her temper is pretty sharp, now, also, and I know it is because of her frustration at being so disabled.

    My dad is 85 and is in early dementia, forgetting so many things that it is frustrating to us and to him. He has gotten lost several times driving home from places he has driven to and from for years. The neurologist says he can still drive, though, and wrote a letter stating that to the DPS in our state. I disagree, and so do my two brothers. We are very likely to be taking the car away in the next few months. I work full time, though, and I am the only one close to them, distance-wise, and it is overwhelming to think about how we will get them to their various doctors' appointments and shopping, etc., etc., etc.... Very scary.

    I've been the only one taking care of them for quite a while, and am so grateful to have the help with them from my own children!

    This time of life is a bit odd. I know my parents will have to move to be with us, but I know they won't leave their house (or their 5 cats!) easily. It's hard to know which way to turn sometimes.

    Thanks for starting this thread. I think it is marvelous that we can be able to share and support each other.

  8. #37
    Registered User hollyhill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by calimomx2 View Post
    Dh and I have also lost 3 parents over the last 14 years, it is just my Mom left now. She will be 82 in March and lives 300 plus miles away. Her mind and spirit are still very young but her body is really starting to show the signs of her age and she is very frustrated by it. She has always been very active and now it takes her much longer and those little aches and pains aren't so little anymore. She is struggling with walking because of a bad knee but she refuses to use a cane or consider a scooter to help her get around. I worry like crazy about her. I call her every morning to check on her. She still lives in her own home with my older sister who isn't married and has no children. My younger sister and her family are close by and she has great neighbors who keep an eye on her as well.

    My Dad and MIL went very quickly and very unexpectedly but my FIL suffered for 2 years and it was heartbreaking to watch. We did everything we could to keep him in his home but the last 2 months he did go back and forth between the hospital and a nursing home, there was nothing we could do.

    Honestly, I know there will come a time when we might have to make some hard choices as far as my Mom is concerned and I'm really not looking forward to that.
    Almost identical to my situation. My mom is struggling with advanced osteoporosis and it is making her dependent on us..
    she says she didn't give birth to us for us to take care of her... she has always been the caregiver.

    My sister who doesn't have children lives with her but we know at some point if she needs more personal care she will need to be in a nursing home or have a nurse come into the home because she would never allow us to care for her.

    My father died when I was young.

    Dh, mother is another story. Very independent but becoming dotty. I would never beable to care for her. She has been so unmother like to me all these years. i never do anything right. Let her other "perfect" children care for her. I know not generous, but I know I couldn't do it.

  9. #38
    Registered User Liane's Avatar
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    My family went through a lot when my Grandpop was diagnosed with Dementia. He went from his house to a hospital, then a rehab center, then to my parents house, after that back home-his choice, then back to my parents house and eventually in a nursing home. The nursing home was not an easy choice. When he lived with my parents he started to wander. The one time he fell and broke his nose. In all he wandered twice from my parents home. The police brought him home both times. He ended up in a nursing home so that he could have a monitor and 24 hour supervision. It is not an easy place for the family member to live or for other family members to get used to. In the beginning he could still walk and he was able to go out on passes. As time went on he stopped walking and ended up in a wheelchair. Unfortunately he lost his memory very quickly. That is one of the worst things to adjust to. It is heartbreaking when someone you love does not know who you are. He lived six years with Dementia. He died in the nursing home in 2000. He was 86. He was a wonderful man who will be deeply missed. When it comes to caring for a relative it is not easy. Most hospitals have support groups-join them. Staff at nursing homes are very supportive and sympathetic-get to know them. No matter what happens your family loves you. Sometimes when things are bad it is hard to remember that. Hope you will be able to make the decisions you have to. It may not be easy but you can do it.

  10. #39
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    It has been cathartic for me to read through these stories because my 83-year old mom is fading away and it stresses me so much that I can't sleep, I rarely get enjoyment from the things that I like to do, I'm away from work too much, and so on.

    My dad had a disabling stroke at age 60 and after months of rehabilitation, could walk and drive but had to give up work. He had always been a rather domineering, strict father, but this event changed him, humbled him I guess. He went through rehabilitation with grace, became the stay-at-home husband while my mom continued to work, puttered in his garden, kept the house in order, learned to cook. It seemed he finally stopped worrying about things and started to enjoy the years he had left. Ten years later he died of a heart attack, very sudden and unexpected, so no lengthy decline, no nursing homes, no dementia. That was 20 years ago.

    My mom is now 83. She fell while trying to climb into bed in 2004 and suffered compression fractures of several vertebrae, though this wasn't diagnosed until 2 months later. Osteoporosis and the fact that the vertebrae were semi-healed made surgical treatment unfeasible, so she submitted to pain management and has been morphine dependent ever since. She fell twice more the day of her appointment with the orthopedic surgeon, and went into the hospital on Christmas Eve 2004, followed by transfer to a nursing home. When I visited her shortly after, she looked ghastly and I felt sure she was going to die soon. In fact, I wrote a long letter expressing my love and my gratitude for our relationship, along with lots of good memories from our past, and sent it in a Mother's Day card that March because I didn't think she'd last until May.

    To our surprise, she buckled down and took her rehab seriously, I believe mainly to get out of the awful nursing home where she was a resident. They once took 2 hours to respond to her night call for help to get to the bathroom, she wet her bed and lay in it for over an hour, and then they punished her for it by confining her to a common area in her wheelchair the following day for several hours, a humiliating experience.

    She was discharged Easter Sunday 2005. Since then she was used a seat-walker but is pretty mobile and continues to live in her apartment in a senior complex. She has a home health aide who visits once a week to help bathe and accomplish other essentials. One of my sisters, who is unemployed, takes her to appointments, picks up and arranges her weekly medication box, does her laundry, cleans her apartment.

    A few weeks ago she was having difficulty breathing and as it turns out she has a hernia and her organs are displaced, which affects her lungs. She has had a barium x-ray and CT scan, and was meeting with a surgeon today to help decide whether to try to let it heal on its own, or to undergo surgery with all its risks. Talking tires her, she can't catch her breath, getting to her front door wears her out, so all of these appointments are taking their toll. She seems resigned, worn out, tired. I hope to know more soon about her options. She is leaving the decision up to us four children. She dreads the surgery because following it will be another rehab stay in the nursing home. Another possibility is to wait and have home oxygen.

    I lost the strong, opinionated, beautiful mother I remember from years ago, but she is still physically and mentally with us and I hate to see this decline. When I think of the final farewell tears well up. Since dad died I've never ended a conversation or visit with her without telling her I loved her. I never said it to my dad very often - he was hard to get close to that way. She and I have discussed death in general, and our attitudes towards it, and she is not afraid. My oldest sister and I have taken her on road trips the past few years to see her various siblings scattered across the state (7 of the 9 are still alive, including her oldest sister at 91!). They are a close-knit family and these were important moments for her and the others too.

    I will quit rambling. Spend time with your ageing or dying parents if they are lucid and you have/had good relationships with them. Keep building those memories and tell them you love them. Don't take them for granted.

  11. #40
    Registered User Thevail's Avatar
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    You're all so tough and brave!! I dread facing this someday, my dad's enough of a handful in his right mind.. I cannot even imagine..

    We have a lot of resources in our town/county and you might have some too, it never hurts to check.

    Specialized Transit service for the elderly! It's usually free or very low cost, and isn't really like the bus at all. The come right to the persons home and bring them right back to it after they're done shopping, or going to the doctors. The drivers are all trained in how to handle oxygen equipment, walkers, wheelchairs, scooters, etc.

    Senior Center which has everything from a gym to a, pool hall, to a special room where the ladies do crafts and quilt (they sell them once a year to benefit some charity).

    The older people I see in there all seem pretty happy.

    Respite Care, which either comes and gets the person for a few hours, or comes and stays with them while you leave for a bit.

    And there's a different kind of retirement/rest home popping up in a lot of places where the person or even couple move in under a mildly "assisted living" situation, but the care level progresses as they need it to without them having to move, or maybe just to another wing in the building.

  12. #41
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    I've been MIA for a while now and as I was going through all the threads I came across this one again.........I just wanted to update my earlier post, my Mom passed away on March 29th.

  13. #42
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    You have my condolences, calimomx2.

    My mom maybe be able to have her hernia repair surgery done laparoscopically, which would greatly reduce the risks; nor would she need to be an inpatient or go to a nursing home for rehab. This is really good news, but she has to pass a pre-op physical. In the meantime, she still has scary periods where she can't breathe deeply enough. We're taking it a day at a time.

  14. #43
    Registered User Pemberleyan's Avatar
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    CALIMOM2X and SUNSHINE,

    I just wanted to say that you both have my sympathy. I know this is a very difficult time for you.

  15. #44
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    Today is beautiful. The sun is shining, the wind is blowing-perfect day to hang out clothes.
    My journey continues. Dad is now under Hospice care-a good thing. Saw him on Saturday & he spoke of "having everything in order". We talked of his suit, which one to wear & what shoes. He'll be wearing the shoes I bought him, when I was 17 with my very 1st paycheck. (And I thot they were mine to keep under my side of the bed, forever.) Tomorrow I will go & hold his hand... and be thankful I still have a little hand to hold. And.. I will take lilacs. The circle of life continues.

  16. #45
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    Don't have any aging parents, Dad was a drunk, told me none of the males of our family live to be 50, he died at 47, when I heard he was gone I had about 1 minute of crying, guess that represented the time I knew the drunk, by the way I'm 66, and what he said was a bit true, I know of no male on his side of the family, I don't even know where my grandfather was buried. Mother well didn't know her very well but we had phone contact and now she's gone, I just sent flowers. Hey but I have one wonderful mother in law, sweet lady in her 90's

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