Is it Wrong for Me to Nudge My Adult Child to See the Door Out? - Page 2
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  1. #16
    Registered User FrabjousDay's Avatar
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    Honestly, I cannot imagine having had a curfew when I was 20. However, at that age I was respectful enough to let my family know if I was planning on coming home really late or not coming home at all, and to be quiet when entering the house.

    Your question really depends on the maturity of the adult child, and the type of relationship you have with her.

    I had/have an excellent relationship with my parents, graduated high school when I was 17 and hit the door running. I would sometimes stay with my parents over breaks if I was between living arrangements, and we always got along fine without any established rules. I cleaned up my own messes, helped with dinner if I was eating there, did my own laundry, and managed my own finances. They gave me a roof when I needed one, and the space to make my own choices/live my own life.

  2. #17
    Registered User frugalfranny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SueBee49 View Post
    Your house, your rules. Simple as that. .
    Yep.........agree...........has been an interesting read.

    I will eagerly await Niko's response.................

  3. #18
    Registered User Syn D's Avatar
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    I am trying to get my almost 21 yr old out, he has rules, I ask where he is going, who he is with, etc.. I make it a not so happy situation and I am getting worse He is now looking harder for a place I don't care if he is 40, if a kid of mine lives in my house they follow my parental rules.. They want privacy, then they need to get their own place.

    We always had a rule, once your 18 and graduated, your out.. Our oldest daughter (27) and our youngest (19) both say it was a really good rule, cos' it pushed them to grow up and be responsible.. Our son still being here is my hubbys fault, but we think it is cos' our oldest son is out of our life (by our choice) and he doesn't wanna lose this son. He wont lose him, but he does need to get out and grow up.. It's in my hands and I am pushing it..

    I love my kids, but as I have seen in my whole family and around me, letting them stick around and doing for them isn't benefiting them at all, not in every case, but in almost every case around me.. Even had someone we know ask me, "how do you do it, we messed up by not getting our 25 yr old out sooner and he wont leave" and she is not the first to ask me how.. Apparently it happens more than we realize..

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  5. #19
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    It doesn't matter where your dd is in life she must respect you personally and your home. I guess my conversation with her would go either/or -- either you respect me and our home or you need to find your own place. You might compromise on the curfew to her letting you know in advance if she's going to be late or overnight at a friends. Let her make her own choices but keep you in the loop so you don't lose sleep wondering if she's dead in a ditch somewhere.

  6. #20
    Super Moderator Spirit Deer's Avatar
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    There is virtually no reason you should have to clean up after her. And since she's living there, then IMO she has an obligation to do some chores around the place to contribute to the general upkeep for the entire family, since she's a part of it and contributes to the inevitable need for sweeping, dusting, cooking, etc.

    I don't know about a curfew, but it's just common courtesy to let those who would worry about you know if you're going to be late or out all night. One of our daughters got herself invited to move out when she refused to follow that one simple rule.

  7. #21
    Registered User fernykins's Avatar
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    My 29 soon to be 30 lives with me along with his family. He lost his job first then she lost her job. My son decided to go back to school which I think is great. They pay the rent and utilities. They set it up that way. I get along fine with my DDIL. I love my grandkids. She did get another job. It went out of business. She just started back up to school again. My son carries a 4.0 or higher and is on the board of trustees. They clean the house I don't make the mess. They let me know when they need me to pick up or watch the kids. They let me know where they are going with my heath its a normal thing. I carry a cell phone now. Because I went into full code and I don't remember the first 8 hours. My youngest son put me on his plan. I now carry the plan because he passed away in 2010. There are unspoken rules. This is my home so they follow just like I follow my own rule. It makes living together so much better. Even though I would love to live by myself. If they move out someone else will move in. I understand they worry about me. Your daughter needs guide lines. Things go better when there are rules.
    Fern

  8. #22
    Registered User frugalfranny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Syn D View Post
    We always had a rule, once your 18 and graduated, your out..
    .
    We did too. Sort of an "unspoken" thing----------if that can be so when your "graduation present" is a set a luggage!!

    though times...........and the economy, has changed..........it would still be 'my house, my rules'........your own rules, when you get your OWN house!

  9. #23
    Registered User Syn D's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by frugalfranny View Post
    We did too. Sort of an "unspoken" thing----------if that can be so when your "graduation present" is a set a luggage!!

    though times...........and the economy, has changed..........it would still be 'my house, my rules'........your own rules, when you get your OWN house!
    Laughing hard on the luggage....

    I learned by watching my mom, it was my sisters rules when they lived with mom and all I could think was "when I have kids, no way will it be that way". My moms oldest lived with her off and on, more on than off till she was 40 and she totally controlled moms house, mess and all.. I finally got it through my moms head that it was time to put a stop to it (I tried for yearsss)..

  10. #24
    Registered User tigo's Avatar
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    Have a family meeting. Get her expectations and let her know yours. Put it in writing and have the adults in the family sign it - just like a lease if they were living on their own. I borrowed a ton of language from different housemate/roommate contracts I found on the web. It won't stop arguements cold but it will give everyone something to refer to in cases of conflict. We have that and we have monthly meetings one on one so issues can be brought up in a standard setting and not always heat of the moment. I won't lie - I sometimes dream of DS and his wife and son moving out and DD (who is college student) moving out and it will just be DH and our youngest. I know this is temporary and I will miss everyone when they are gone but some days - wow - I wish they would grow and go!

  11. #25
    Registered User krbshappy71's Avatar
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    Hi there, just wanted to share our current arrangement as its been working for us. I have my daughter, 19, her Bf, 20, and their 5 month old baby living with me. They pay the utilities, their own food, clothing, and essentials. I pay the mortgage, my own food, clothing, and essentials. We are sharing the common stuff such as kitchen garbage bags, dishwashing liquid, etc. we both have been picking up those items as they run out without issue. They pay for everything baby-related, I spoil grandbaby with a new outfit or toy if I want to but I don't buy essentials. Although one time I spotted a can of her formula on clearance and it wasn't expired. But in general its their baby, they take care of her, I provide a safe house to raise her in, provided they understand the ground rules:

    Cleaning: I do all the dishes. I don't mind and they hate dishes. I do the yard work, I enjoy it. We agreed upon a list of MUST DOs for all of us: trash in the trash can, recyclables in the recycle bin, dishes go in the sink, wipe up after yourself. They must do this before they leave to go out every time and before they go to bed so that its clean when I get up to get ready for work.

    That's it, their clutter is their own, they do their own laundry, and none of us keep track of each other's whereabouts unless we want to get together. I am VERY quiet in the mornings (he has a night shift) and they are VERY quiet in the evening/nighttime for me. I do believe its all about respect and it has taken a few heart-to-heart conversations (family meetings with all parties present) but its worth the effort to communicate your feelings.

    Oh, and if you're a light sleeper, try a white-noise machine in your room, it can work wonders! I have one in my room and we have one in the nursery. It muffles the general noises of people talking, footsteps, dogs outside barking, etc.

    Nudge your daughter out if you want, but if you will be left with just pangs of guilt then I suggest just keep talking instead. People don't always mean to drive us crazy, they just get caught up in their own worlds so we have to let them know we're still here too, and that yes, it is our house. I have been angry enough to kick my crew out but I knew that wasn't what I truly wanted. I just wanted the house to look nicer and for them to be respectful of me sleeping. So far so good after a few heart-to-hearts when the situation first started to bother me. You can do this! Whatever you choose, just be sure you are ok with it.

  12. #26
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    The decision needs to be what is best for the adult child as well as for yourself. If you firmly believe that she needs to leave to mature and grow, then that is what's best for her. The fact is most young adults need to leave the nest to mature and grow. Its just life. On the other hand if dd is not being respectful she needs to leave period. Her behavior (her choice) makes it necessary. No time like the present to learn bad choices usually have negative consequences!!!!!

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