Is it Wrong for Me to Nudge My Adult Child to See the Door Out?
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  1. #1
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    Default Is it Wrong for Me to Nudge My Adult Child to See the Door Out?

    please don't get me wrong. She's in college and working a part time(close to full time) working job.

    The problem is that I'm cleaning up her messes in the house more and more(she helps out some) and she 'expects' me because of her age, in college, I suppose. she shouldn't have a curfew and as a 20 year old, I shouldn't ask who she is going out with that night and what she is doing.

    Her excuse is that going for a nursing degree takes a family member to support them the whole way through. maybe so for some...

    I guess I'm asking if I'm being too strict and need to loosen up or nudge her out if she wants more 'freedom' that she is asking for...Yes we've talked about her being independent on her own.

    I told her there is always gonna be a curfew, rather it's 2 am or 12 am. I just think she hates answering to me. Trust me, we've had adult talks and money talks...Gah, I love her to death, but we are butting heads!!

    This is my first adult child post, so be nice!!

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    IMO when they live at home they have to follow your rules. Because of her age she is only thinking about her freedom and not having to answer to you. But you are the one who has to worry if she has no curfew as she wants; she is not thinking from your pov at all. Do you pay any of her bills meaning her cell phone, car ins, car payment? If you do that is another reason she doesn't have the right to set her own rules. At her age she wants all the freedoms that come with being an adult, but not all of the responsibility. I don't know your daughter, but I raised 3 sons and this was always the issue. And I have to tell you in the world that we live today I would want to know the exact same things as you are wanting to know about my daughter. You are the one that needs to feel comfortable about her safety. Good luck and let us know how things work out.

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    Registered User Nadders11's Avatar
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    If she's going to school and working, you are supporting her by providing a free place to stay and cleaning up after her? Is all her money going to school...does she pay her own bills?

    I think it comes down to maturity and respect. She has a sweet deal and she should realize this. She should appreciate you caring enough to ask where she's going, who with and when to expect you back. A good roommate should do the same for her! If she was in trouble she should want someone to know details of her whereabouts. But she is thinking of it as cramping her style.

    I wouldn't want someone coming home at all hours of the night. I would want to know that when I look at the clock at 1 am or 3 am ( whenever the agreed time is) all members are safe at home. I would be able to sleep then, especially being my daughter. I think it's reasonable to want this...you're not a hotel.

    It actually really makes me mad when adult children don't respect and appreciate when their parents help them out. The sense of entitlement some people display is shameful! You raised her until 18 you owe her nothing more now, she should be grateful for your continued support and love.

    I left home at 17 after high school, went to nursing school and lost my mom at 21. I didnt have the chance to do what your daughter is doing. I wish I still had a mom who cared where I was. Sigh...don't take your moms for granted!

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    Registered User CookieLee's Avatar
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    We had more than one adult child come "home" to live with us. In our case it was husbands and children in tow, too. I remember having an "argument" with one of my adult DD's - her husband and my husband thought we were arguing but we were finally having a much needed discussion - about how as a newlywed she really would be happier with her own place. It was the nudge she needed to move out. I guess she wasn't sure they could do it on their own. So that's my advice ... approach her from the point of view that she doesn't seem very happy and maybe having her own space would help that.

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    Whaaaat? Being an adult means being financially independent in my house. Kid means someone is paying your way. Young adult is somewhere in between. My 21yo must come in no later than 1a.m. unless prearranged. It disturbs us when the car pulls up,door slams,someone enters our house and the dogs bark. DH is working and must get up in the morning.
    DD eats our food and sometimes her BF too. If I cook for them she cleans up as well as if she does. I will call her from a friends to come back=ain't my mess.
    Your world can't stop cuz' shes in school.
    Twenty still has their head on sideways and you cant expect good logic as it come from a still self centered mind.

    When I was 20 and going to school full time and working almost full I didn't do housework because I wasn't there. I studied at the library and was dating. My Dmom and I had a similar laundry discussion. She said I didn't do my laundry and then wouldnt let me use the washer as I might break it? So I went to the laundromat. She complained about dishes but I pointed out I didn't eat there either. Sometimes it takes a negotiation at this age. It's hard to balance respect at this point. I started establishong my rights as a person not just her mom. I told both my kids I regarded it as 4 adults w/ reponsibilities in the house.

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    Your house, your rules. Simple as that. Cleaning up after her when she was 10 years old is one thing, but 20? I think not. She should be bending over backwards to help you as much as possible. Maybe on exam week she doesn't have time to help with household chores, but that's the exception. And if going to nursing school is so difficult, there should be no need to even discuss staying out until all hours of the night.

    I went back to school and got my BSN. Granted, it wasn't an easy curriculum and back in those days, no computers, etc. which resulted in hundreds of long library hours until late at night. But that was about the extent of my "late nights." However, I'm not sure what she means by requiring family support the "whole way through" other than the idea that she can go to school, life relatively scott free, and do her own thing in the process. What it really takes is a great deal of perseverance, buckling down, responsibility, lots of studying.

    I suspect you would feel differently about cleaning up her messes if you saw her consistently sitting at the kitchen table with her head buried in books. Again...your house, your rules.

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    Registered User zakity's Avatar
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    One of the things that my grandmother and my sister did when we all lived alone is that we would either let another know where we were going and a loose time we would be home or we called and left a message on the home answering machine. It wasn't that we were trying to keep track of each other, it was so someone knew where to look for the body if we didn't come home. Even married and my sister and I having teen kids, we still let each other know when we are heading out of town and an approximate day that we will be getting home.

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    Registered User NikoSan999's Avatar
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    No response yet but curious as to others replies. Mine will be 21 next month and not sure I TOTALLY agree with most of the responses so far, but that's just me I know. So my reply will wait. Palooka, I feel for you. I really do. I DO know when she moves out I will miss her badly, including her companionship. It will NOT be easy for me.
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    Palooka - one simple thing to remember: so long as she's under your roof she needs to respect to you and DH as well as honour your rules.

    To this day should my siblings come to visit dad knowing that Molly Maid (aka me) lives here full time - they are responsible for respecting the house rules that were enforced when they lived with mom & dad. Basically be responsible and respectful.

    * you make a mess, you clean it (ie pick up after yourself)
    * you clean up after yourself ALWAYS
    * you're making something to eat in front of others for yourself, you must offer to make their portion if desired
    * if you find dirty dishes sitting in sink when you go to use it, you wash them despite the fact that you didn't dirty them
    * you do your own laundry
    * if the bathroom/kitchen/floors need to be cleaned, you clean it

    We all had different lifestyles with varying hours. It was just expected/assumed that we'd follow the house rules in addition to whatever else we had going on: school, school activities, social life and jobs (some of us had 4 pt jobs!) Oh and no allowances.

    So no, its not wrong to nudge her out the door. If she's choosing not to respect your rules/boundaries and wishes to lead a hard life, let her. She has to learn these life lessons on her own, at her own pace.

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    palooka I hope your daughter is being more responsible than mine.. I am giving her a place to live and paying her car insurance and when she is here she eats.... no problem with any of that on my part... she has no curfew but she calls me to tell me if she is staying some were. I do her laundry with ours no problem here.
    her mouth is my problem and disrespect is my problem..
    If she is going to school and being respectful give her the leway..
    my daughter is unemployed (she was unfairly fired) moved out of her boyfriends home and back here. her only responsibility is to the National Guard..she is going back to school in Oct..so hope that will squash it some hugs hugs and prayers

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    Registered User LynnLC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NikoSan999 View Post
    No response yet but curious as to others replies. Mine will be 21 next month and not sure I TOTALLY agree with most of the responses so far, but that's just me I know. So my reply will wait. Palooka, I feel for you. I really do. I DO know when she moves out I will miss her badly, including her companionship. It will NOT be easy for me.
    Curious, Niko, as to what parts you disagree with....I like hearing different opinions.

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    Palooka, nothing wrong with nudging her along. When she has a place of her own she will have the same responsibilities. And if she finds a place with a roommate there would still be a need to atleast let the other person know you may not be coming home that night or have to work out just co-living together. It is your house and your rules.

    Does she pay any rent?

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    Nikosan-what parts for sure?
    I wouldnt kick her out w/o first trying to get her to understand your no doormat.
    DD has taken a long while of hearing about her irresponsibility but she is doing far less than your DD for sure. She got fired and deserved it and failed 2 tries at college. But she is slowly moving forward. Gotta go nudge more dishes being done as we speak.

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    Registered User Momto5RN's Avatar
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    unless i was unable to cover my bills for some reason i wouldnt expect any money from someone working and going to school at same time . they have a goal they are going for it - and i would want to support it .

    now if all their money was going to fancy hand bags etc - i might ask them to chip in -but moght put money into an acct for them for later

    we dont pay for college so paying for cell - insurance etc - thats my way of helping somewhat .

    my 24 yo is back at home working FT after living away when at college 'we dont charge him rent although he pays his own car insurance and phone bill,

    i dont charge him for food or water etc mainly because he is doing an excellent job of putting the bulk of his money to his student loans to get them paid off as soonas he can - but he also is not wasting $ on gadgets or partying with friends spending unwisely .

    he has no curfew but he does not come in loud and he mentions to us where he is going and will text if he decides to sleep over a friends etc that to me is just respectful to say where you are headed . i wouldnt run out the door for hours and not tell my husband where i am going . but i also dont get totally nosey about it , who where when how why how long who was there etc all that is a bit much .

    my 21 yo dd is out of the house in an apt .
    she needs to figure out what she wants to do and go back to school so as long as that is in the works we pay for her car insurance -.she pays her own phone by her own choice. she pays her own rent although we have loaned her money on occasion when she had issues . TBH personality wise and just my house being a noisy one and her not tolerating it well if i could afford it i would pay her rent rather then have her move back in just because its a much nicer situation between everyone with her out of the house . cant afford it though .

    ON another note are you claiming her as a tax deducation as she is still in school . if so i dont think you should charge rent because you are telling the GVT they are your dependent and you are providing them their basic needs. roof food etc
    not sure of exact legalities with that either .

    My kids when at home adult or not know to clean up their messes . the older ones do their own laundry college and work or not .

    i wouldnt nudge anyone trying to get thru nursing while working out of the home . I have relatives who have been studying nursing recently and i am actually surprised your daughter can work while taking those studies - at the colleges around here they load them up so much that even my normally gets an A+ easily neice had to only work breaks and summer- the colleges warn you that you may not be able to work and do the curriculum.



    and once they move out they often , like my daughter did , get stalled education wise due to money issues , working etc .

    set some fair rules even if its not 100% what you like - have to do some give and take ,

    and when it really starts to get to you look at the positives she has a job she is in school working towards a good career .

    within a month my daughter found out 2 girls she is friends with are unexpectedly pregnant - one young man friend was dx with leukemia, and another from our town is dead - ( mixing drugs that seperetely wouldnt kill someone but together did from what i heard )

    and the saddest of all to me - an nice young man - grandson of a patient i once cared for, similar to your daughter in that he is working going to school- not a trouble maker etc
    He is dead . sucker punched from behind at a concert tailgate he was at with friends , fell , hit his head on concrete - severe head trauma and he is gone - one second here - next gone .

    after this month even the days my 21 yo drives me batty - or thinks i dont do enough for her ( she choose to move out but gets a bit crazy when money is tight for her and its all my fault then )
    even when shes in a mood - i can let it go easier because of all of the above.

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    My oldest is 25 and has been out on her own for 3 years now. She lived at home while going to college and worked a full time to pay for college.
    I guess I was lucky, she was good about keeping her room clean and helping out around the house when we needed her to. She paid for the things she needed and wanted including car insurance and her own cell phone. We never set any "rules" per say, only asked that she have the courtesy to let me know what she was doing and to call if she was going to be out really late.
    Being the parent of an adult child can be hard and I think it is a very personal choice on how you handle dealing with them. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to parent them, there is just the way that works best in whatever your situation is. Who knows, had my dd been different, things would have been different. She made that time easy for us, we were very lucky!

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