What would you tell a new mother-in-law?

**voodidit** · 05-25-2010, 01:31 AM

My daughter is getting married Sunday!

What advice would you give your mother-in-law if you could do it with no repercussions?

**Luckybustert** · 05-25-2010, 01:56 AM

If she doesn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Also, don't get in the middle of our spats -- we'll make up but we won't forget things you said about us or our spouse while it was going on.

Don't give advice until we ask for it.

**fernykins** · 05-25-2010, 02:09 AM

Except the son or daughter in law. even if you don't like them. treat them with respect. Don't interfear if your child needs help let them ask.
Fern

**AnW819** · 05-25-2010, 02:26 AM

I am confused. I don't understand??

**voodidit** · 05-25-2010, 03:12 AM

I'm going to be a MIL on Sunday, I wanted to know what everyone thinks a good MIL does or does not do

**AnW819** · 05-25-2010, 03:19 AM

Ohh I got ya!! I have a fantastic mother in law!!!

**Libby** · 05-25-2010, 03:27 AM

Originally Posted by voodidit

I'm going to be a MIL on Sunday, I wanted to know what everyone thinks a good MIL does or does not do

Just continue being who you were before the marriage.

They like you for YOU!

There's no such thing as one set definition of a 'good mother in law' - its all dependent on the family dynamic etc. You can only give your 100% and they have to either take it or leave it. Either way - I'm sure you'll do fine

BTW: Congrats!!!

**nadine64** · 05-25-2010, 03:45 AM

Don't be negative of the way they do things. Nothing irritates me more from my MIL than to have her always nitpicking at how I keep house, cook, etc. Everyone does their own thing their own way. You're going to be a great MIL!

**The Muse** · 05-25-2010, 06:49 AM

My MIL is a big reason my marriage failed, so I commend you for trying to be a good MIL.

The biggest issue with my MIL is that she never respected us as an adult family capable of making our own decisions.

Examples that come to mind:

I don't have any family of my own, so I always wanted to take either Thanksgiving or Xmas away with XDH as our own tradition. If I'd had a family, we would've split the hoildays, so I don't understand why it would've mattered so much if we'd gone away just the two of us making our own memories and traditions and still spent one holiday with his family.

From the day we closed on the house, it was never mine. She dictated how it should be decorated and scoffed at every decorating decision I made from paint colors, to furniture, to furniture arrangement and beyond. This extended to my menu choices and table settings for holiday events I was hosting.

If XDH did something she didn't agree with, it was automatically my doing. She was always pitting us against each other in this regard.

Those are just 3 ways she made my life a living hell for nine years. So I guess the lesson here is to realize that your daughter and SIL are now a family and should be treated as such. She may always be your little girl, but she's his wife first. You may not always agree with their decisions, but you must respect their need to make those decisions and to have you honor those decisions.

I feel sorry for my ex because as long as his mother is alive, I don't think he'll ever be able to have a good relationship.

**happymomof4** · 05-25-2010, 07:09 AM

I have 1 dil and 1 future dil. I have learned to listen and not judge. When they ask for you opinion tell them but don't be judgemental. Both our boys are so different of course both their wives are also. So you have to treat them different because they are different. Our oldest son and family do not live close so it is easy not to get in the middle of there issues. The other son lives close but they live with the other mil so we don't go visit them. They visit us on there own terms.

Congrats and good luck. I am sure you will do fine. Just be yourself.

**2ndGenGranola** · 05-25-2010, 08:08 AM

Originally Posted by The Muse

From the day we closed on the house, it was never mine. She dictated how it should be decorated and scoffed at every decorating decision I made from paint colors, to furniture, to furniture arrangement and beyond. This extended to my menu choices and table settings for holiday events I was hosting.

If XDH did something she didn't agree with, it was automatically my doing. She was always pitting us against each other in this regard.

That is exactly what mine has done. Mine wanted to take all my "name brand" furniture and repaint it to match her thrift store finds! She also wanted to change all my colors from * and * to her (IMO) tacky colors.

I am also blamed for any financial or health problem we have.

The thing I hated most was that she would snoop - even through my...uhm..."dainty" drawer then gossip about the contents. I ended up putting a traveling motion alarm in my "dainty" drawer - something I never dreamed I would ever have to do.

We ended up moving away. I now only have to see her maybe every 12-18 months.

**Lady_V** · 05-25-2010, 08:13 AM

Cut the damn cord !!!

With that being said... my x-mil is a pleasant enough woman but I swore up and down the ex was on a bungee umbilical cord because she was in every aspect of our lives... work 5 days a week... and we HAD to have dinner with them on Sunday (she didn't cook, I never got to see my family if I wanted to spend the day with my husband)

Now... for MY mother

Accept it or shut it

I am not married to Old Man, but we have been living together for 7 years. In most states, that would make us Commonlaw married, but oddly enough, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts did away with it.

She has deemed Old Man unworthy of her respect, for no other reason then he is not the millionaire I divorced... trying to tell her that I am happy, my daughter is happy and he worships the ground we stomp on doesn't seem to matter to her.

**lparker** · 05-25-2010, 08:16 AM

A smart guy would never give advise to his MIL

**freebs** · 05-25-2010, 08:22 AM

Back the heck off, s/he is no longer a baby!

**craftypam** · 05-25-2010, 08:29 AM

I have the best MIL and have been married almost 35 years. I have always said I am going to remember the things that I loved about her and be that way with my own DIL's. My biggest things were she stayed out of our business unless being asked. Of course DH kept it that way by not telling her of every little disagreement. She NEVER judged me and kept her opinions to herself unless asked.
I have the most kind, caring and empathetic mil and because of that my dh is the same way. The old saying Children learn what they live.