Shower Etiquette Opinion Question

**Michelle** · 06-08-2004, 03:20 AM

When invited to a shower that you can't attend, do *you* still buy a gift for the bride? Why or why not?

**lucy979** · 06-08-2004, 04:08 AM

I do still buy a gift. I just think it is the polite thing to do.

**Daphne** · 06-08-2004, 06:57 AM

I also still buy a gift. The majority of the time I'm invited it is a good friend of mine so I don't have any question about buying it.

I've never been invited to a shower where I didn't know the bride (new the groom) so I don't know what I would do in that case. Let's say it is a personal shower (Lingere - sp?) - I don't think I would buy for that.

I don't know.....this could be a case by case issue. I'm curious to see what others think.

**PrairieRose** · 06-08-2004, 08:18 AM

Most of the time I do....unless it's someone that we don't know at all or have absolutely no connection whatsoever to. Only one time have I ever not done so and have regretted it every since.

**AmyMCGS** · 06-08-2004, 09:06 AM

I do if it's someone I'm close to. I have been invited to showers before for distant cousins or other people I barely know- I didn't send a gift if I didn't go.
I like to think that showers are more than requests for gifts, and, if I'm not going to be there for the shower/party, I think the bride and/or hostess should understand and wouldn't be expecting a gift.

**Jerseygirl** · 06-18-2004, 09:14 PM

I think it depends on your relationship with the bride. I went to a shower a few weeks ago for a woman I had never met. I only went because of MIL (this will be dh stepbro wife). If this was anyone else, I probably would not have gone and maybe just sent a small token gift. I would definaetly blow it off if I wasn't going to the wedding.

**captclearance** · 06-18-2004, 09:20 PM

I would think too, it would depend on the relationship .......
I usually have a wedding gift anyway....

**Kimmomo3** · 06-18-2004, 09:58 PM

I must be SUPER cheap! If I don't go I don't send a gift to a shower OR a wedding.

**KKCondrey** · 06-18-2004, 10:46 PM

If I don't go to the shower but I know I am going to the wedding, I take them a gift then. If I can't make either one of them, I'd still get them something. If they lived near by I might get them a gift off their registry but if they lived far away, I would probably send them a card and a gift card for someplace.

**slowtypinwoman** · 06-19-2004, 08:42 PM

I was recently invited to a baby shower for a second child. I am curious to know how everyone views this? I thought it was only proper to have a shower for the first child. I didn't go but it was for a co-worker and I'll send a gift when the baby arrives.

**Darlene** · 06-19-2004, 08:58 PM

Originally posted by slowtypinwoman
I was recently invited to a baby shower for a second child. I am curious to know how everyone views this? I thought it was only proper to have a shower for the first child. I didn't go but it was for a co-worker and I'll send a gift when the baby arrives.

I too think they are usually for first children so they have the basics. It is nice to send something for the new little one, something small but nice if you know the person well.

No Big $$ items, they already have that & if they want more, they can buy them.

**Jerseygirl** · 06-19-2004, 10:51 PM

I agree with the second shower, I'm not a fan if they are just for gifts especially if the kids are close in age.---I did recently throw one for one of my staff for her second, but there were 7 years between her kids and we did it more to celebrate her pregnancy and say goodbye before she started her leave. We gave her little things--clothes, linens, bath products, bottles, and safety equipment and we did it very casually in my backyard.

**canadian gardener** · 06-20-2004, 01:47 AM

depends how well I know the bride. If she is close or the groom is close to our family, then yes, I send a gift along with another friend and apologize for not being there.

But if not close, and I can't make it either, I don't sweat it, and I don't give a gift.

If I'm going to a wedding, I bring a gift. If I'm not going but was invited AND I'm close, I send a gift. If I decline going to the wedding and reception because I hardly know the bride and groom, I may send a card to congratulate along with the RSVP saying no I'm sorry, I can't attend but no gift.

As for baby showers, I give if I'm close and going to the shower. If I can't make it, and I'm close to the mum to be, I send a gift. If not, but I need to recognize her in some way, I send a card to congratualate when baby is born and sometimes a little gift then.

I don't give gifts for second babies as a general rule.

The whole custom behind showers for brides and babies was to help a young couple get on their feet with household stuff. Ditto baby things.

Back when the custom started people took care of stuff and used it for the next baby and so on. It really wasn't about making sure the person had everything because that was their responsibility. It was a chance to bless and give a helping hand to couples just starting out/starting a family.

And socially back when, most women didn't work for wages outside the home for long so the young couple didn't have a household already, nor would they be financially on their feet when babies started coming.

I've noticed the trend to having showers for second or more babies, and I think it's more about acknowledging the joy of a child entering the family now, a celebration. But it's an expensive one.

Like many expensive customs (Hallmark cards springs to mind for some reason) that have sprung up, I think it's been largely driven by retailers spotting a trend and pushing it along a bit.