When?
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    Registered User pammy's Avatar
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    Default When?

    What I want to know is, when does the constant crying stop?

    It will be a year ago Friday that John passed. This past month or so I think is worse than ever. So many dates all at once... July 30th would have been anniversary.. Aug 13th last year last time we spoke.. Aug 14th they took him in to surgery before I got there from which he never woke up... Aug 26th would have been his 41st birthday... Sept 7th last year I was the one to sign the DNR... Sept 10th we turned off machines.. Sept 13th he passed.. Sept 21st his funeral.. I know it's a lot at once, but I should be able to handle, right? It's been a year.

    I know I'm supposed to be adjusting and accepting but I'm seeing him and thinking about him constantly and can't stop crying. For one example, just last night one of my sis's decided to invite me to dinner to get me out of the house. Was crying driving over there, and again crying in parking lot waiting on her, and then again twice in the restaurant. I'll get a random text at work from one of my sis's telling me something that just about kills me. Luckily I have great coworkers who take over my share so I can go cry in the bathroom. Or I'll have a patient that was one of his good friends telling me stories about him. (these both just happened this past week.. it's happened many times already)

    People tell me I'm handling it well, and I do try to put on a smiling face. But truth is, I'm not. I hurt horribly, mostly in private. They let me off work all this week because they knew it was going to be bad.

    I know people are trying to help and talk about happy time, all it does is make me sad that he's gone.

    At what point does this constant crying and remembering lessen so you can function again? I am trying really, but man... this is tough.

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    Pammy, I'm so sorry! I can't speak from my own experience but I remember that my grandmother found the one year anniversary pretty tough and said she cried herself to sleep that night. I'll be praying for you.

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    Registered User imagine's Avatar
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    There is no praticular time table for when it will happpen as it is different of everyone.

    In my family when time tables are not well defined we like to use the Blizzard definition of "soon" and "very soon" * see footnote

    So I give you a shoulder to cry on, a very Big Hug, and the answer of " soon" or "very soon" Blizzard defintion style.

    * Blizzard defintion of very soon - "Very Soon" is guaranteed to arrive between now and the end of time with a higher chance of arriving on the "now" half of the time table.

    Now ←-------------- Very Soon -------- Soon -------- Soon-ish ---------------→ End of Time


    ((((HUGS)))

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    Registered User MissSeetonFan's Avatar
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    Imagine is right. Grief has no time table. And you are hitting anniversaries. Anniversaries can hit you like a ton of bricks. You are perfectly normal and are probably doing lots better than you think. Don't be hard on yourself. Let yourself cry. When you have several dates that qualify for anniversaries it can drag out the grief that hit you again. We have a loss in our family that has 4 1/2 months of bench marks to remember. From diagnosis to death and burial. So it makes for some rocky months. As time goes on, it gets a little easier but I'm still surprised at how hard an anniversary can hit.

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    Moderator Ceashels's Avatar
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    Grief takes as long as it takes. You are heading into the most difficult month since you lived through this nightmare and are doing everything you need to do to get through it.

    hugs, prayers and blessings to you.

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    It stops when you are healed enough for it to stop.
    Again there is not set time. I grieve for a Ds I never knew I lost 25yrs. ago,for my grandma who died 23 yrs. ago. Mostly for the loss of promise.
    If you feel its too overwhelming to function then maybe a grief councelor would help you. I hope you find some peace soon you have been though a lot.

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    Registered User photogal06's Avatar
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    Ok, given that I still grieve on the anniversary of my DOG's death...and it's been 7 years...I'm in no position to offer advice here! Lots of hugs though...lots and lots of hugs. I think the first anniversary of all of those things is the hardest, and then it gets better from there. How much better and how quickly just depends on you. Some people work through grief faster than others. Some, like me, go at a snail's pace. I think I'm somewhere between Soon-ish and End of Time on imagine's Blizzard definition! But given that it's only been a year for you, and that it was your husband you lost, I'd be surprised if you *weren't* having this hard a time with it. (((MORE HUGS)))

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    TDN
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    Quote Originally Posted by photogal06 View Post
    Ok, given that I still grieve on the anniversary of my DOG's death...and it's been 7 years...I'm in no position to offer advice here! Lots of hugs though...lots and lots of hugs. I think the first anniversary of all of those things is the hardest, and then it gets better from there. How much better and how quickly just depends on you. Some people work through grief faster than others. Some, like me, go at a snail's pace. I think I'm somewhere between Soon-ish and End of Time on imagine's Blizzard definition! But given that it's only been a year for you, and that it was your husband you lost, I'd be surprised if you *weren't* having this hard a time with it. (((MORE HUGS)))
    This is pretty much what I was going to say.....

    Anniversarys are really tough ....wishing you better days ahead

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    My mom's anniversary of her death was hard on me for about five years. After that it calmed down. I did a lot of journaling though, and that helped me through my feelings about things. It helps to have a good friend to talk to as well...just to listen...not talk or anything else really. {{{Hugs}}}

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    Registered User onencgirl's Avatar
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    It does get better. My brother died the Sat after Thanksgiving from cocaine od. Then my dh died Christmas Eve of a heart attack. I was in a fog for about two years dealing with everything including the kids. It was hard but as time passed it got easier.

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    Registered User ilovechocolate's Avatar
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    Just because it's been a year doesn't mean you should have adjusted to your loss. People have different timetables for grief. Allow yourself as much time as you need.

    Talk to a good therapist/counselor; your employer may have an Employer Assistance Service with therapy available. If not, many churches offer it. The United Way in some cities also may have counseling services at which you pay according to income.

    You have suffered a great loss. Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up.

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    There is no time table so please be very kind to yourself. It has been 9 years and I still have days I bawl my eyes out.

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    Registered User pammy's Avatar
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    Name:  smile.jpg
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    I posted this a year almost a year ago... and feeling just about the same as I did then. This time of year.. still hurts. Miss him so much!!

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    Super Moderator Spirit Deer's Avatar
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    I think a loss like this is something you never really get over, you just develop coping mechanisms over time.

    There's no schedule for grief, Pammy. It's okay to be sad, especially with all those dates hitting in such a short time.

    My dad died on September 17, forty years ago. I still hate that date and still try to find things I can distract myself with on that day. But it's gotten much easier than it used to be.

    Hang in there. If you can, take a trip or do something that's a happy activity for you on the worst of the dates. My stepdad also died on September 17, and for years after, my mom made sure she was out of town on that date to escape the memories. It seemed to help her quite a bit to deal with it all.

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    Registered User nodmicks's Avatar
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    Big hugs Pammy! I bawled my eyes out recently all day. it was the 4th anniversary of my brothers death. I think Spirit Deer has some good advice with planning something happy.

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