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As a little girl I always pictures myself having lots of kids and being married to the man of my life. Ive already married my wonderful amazing highschool sweetheart and we have 2 sweet toddlers together with a 3rd one on the way. We have talked about having a large family together and he totally agreees with me and would love to have a large family. HOWEVER....his family dont agree at all. The WHOLE ENTIRE time I have been pregnant with baby #3...his family has been telling me I am selfish for wanting more children this day and age. With prices rising and both of us having to work fulltime jobs...they say that I should have only stuck with 2. I do understand that prices are getting high and things are getting hard, I really do understand that. Infact, I am very scared about this winter...I know here in NY I will be struggling with the price of my high gas bill and rising food prices! I am scared about being able to provide for my 3 littles I will have this winter.
But what about my dreams? Do I just throw them down the drain? Do I quit having children becuase times are getting hard? Im sooo confused. I know there are sooo many families out there like me so I am trying to get some imput...and some advice. What are families with lots of kiddos going to do this winter or the next couple of years when things in the USA do fall apart?
The selfish part...she says the more kids I have takes away from what I can provide for my children I have now and she dont think it is fair. Now I dont know if she means extras and special stuff or if she means food, water, clothing etc?
 

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Ok, I don't agree with the extended family at all and I don't think you are selfish. I do think you need to look ahead to the future, think about the responsibilities that children bring and base your decision on your circumstances. If you plan ahead and believe you can provide for the number of kids you plan for, then go ahead and do it. If it is questionable, and you might not be able to provide them with the basics (food, water, clothing, etc), then you might want to think long and hard about taxing your family resources for more children.

DH and I have 2 adorable little boys, and would like a third, but took a long hard look at it a few years ago and put it on hold. Things were uncertain for us, so we decided to wait on it. And boy am I glad we did. Things were tough for the four of us for a while, and having a 5th in the family would have caused us more financial stress.

So, things are better for us now, and we have been revisiting the idea of another from time to time, and we'll see where it leads us.

I think the best you can do is make the decision that is right for you two and ignore the rest of the advice (even if it is well intended).

Good luck on your decision! I'm sure whatever you decide it'll be right for you! Just follow your heart!
 

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~Wow, that is really cruel of them to say such things to you. Hope they don't treat your third any differently than you first 2. I think hard times are a great time to have children because they represent hope for the future. And hard times run in cycles. When things rebound in 3 or 4 years you'll be happy you stuck with your plan. (((Hugs))) You are definately NOT selfish. Being a mom is one of the most unselfish things you can be. I really hate that society has *progressed* to the point of questioning whether or not each pregnancy was *wanted* or not. Choice in conception is nice but it comes with all the stress of knowing that you chose your path. And everyone else knows that you have a choice so whatever happens, they'll let you know whether or not they think you made a good choice. Urg. Make me wonder what it was like in the days of pregnancies that people were happy to have you blessed with. Maybe you should tell them if they don't want any more grandchildren/nephews/nieces you can have any of your future children call them Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So. Maybe that'll shut 'em up.~
 

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~I just wanted to add that I'm the fourth of five children in our family. We grew up on a factory worker's income and we all turned out happy and close. Being on the poor side isn't as bad as some people would have you believe. My parent and sibling relationships are worth more to me than any amount of money I could have had growing up [although if you'd have asked me at age 12 I might not have agreed with that ;-)].~
 

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Answer: Maybe.

Can you afford a 3rd child without putting your financial situation in a desperate situation?

Can you properly care for a 3rd child and provide food, clothing, shelter, care, attention, and education, or will you be working so many hours a week that your kids first words will be Daycare, not Da-Da?

*IF* the answer to the above two questions, and similar questions, is yes, then yes, you're being selfish, IN A GOOD WAY. Pursuit of ones dreams, interests and care for ones own welfare isn't bad, its critical. If nobody took care of themselves first, and if nobody pursued their own dreams, then we'd have a world full of miserable, sickly, angry people. (Dang, I'm too late!!!)

Now, if the answer to the above questions, in any case, or similar questions is "No", then you are still being selfish, but in a bad and stupid way, because you would be putting the health and welfare of this new life, for whom YOU are responsible for caring for and turning into a grownup one day, at risk.

Based on how you wrote the question, I believe the answers to the questions I've asked are "yes", so :thumb:, more power too you. Your in-laws are miserable, sickly, angry people. (OK not REALLY - I suspect they just care about you and want to see the two of you happy and successful, but its up to YOU to define success, not them, and success doesn't have to mean wealth.)
 

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If I had listened to all the comments I would be minus six kids. Do what is right for you, dh and your kids. I'm never sure why others feel they need to comment on someone's family size. I get it, yet my brother with only one hears it too. I think some people are just mean.
 

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I'm childfree by choice, but I can offer some perspective based on my sister who has 4 kids ranging from 14 years down to 2 years, and wanted more.

Their household income is less than $40K a year. Owning a home was one of her dreams, but given her means and the size of her family, the economics are stacked against her. She works 60-70 hours a week just to keep her head above water.

After her last child was born, she realized that she should be happy with what she's got and not be greedy (her words). She's accepted that she will most likely never own a home and will not be able to retire unless her children support her someday. Times are tough and she's REALLY feeling it, but she will not accept any type of assistance because she feels it's her responsibility to provide for her family.

Still, she admits that stopping a 2 would have given her more stability, an easier life, and allowed her to give more to those children. She sees that she basically traded one of her dreams (a house) for another (a big family) when she could've split the difference and had a taste of both.

I'm all for people chasing their dreams, but sometimes reality needs to enter into the equation. You said that you're already "very scared" about getting through this winter with 3 children. As a parent and provider, it's your responsibility to balance your dreams with what's best for your children.

What's better? Having 3 children (which isn't a small family by today's standards) and having a little breathing room or realizing your dream of a large family, but living in a constant state of stress about not being able to provide for them, or worse yet, not being able to provide for them?

I don't think you should base your decision on what your inlaws think. But you should base it on economic reality. Having more children when you're not sure how you'll provide for the ones you have is selfish. Having a big family because you want one, if you can provide for them is not in itself selfish.
 
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Discussion Starter #8
~Wow, that is really cruel of them to say such things to you. Hope they don't treat your third any differently than you first 2. I think hard times are a great time to have children because they represent hope for the future. And hard times run in cycles. When things rebound in 3 or 4 years you'll be happy you stuck with your plan. (((Hugs))) You are definately NOT selfish. Being a mom is one of the most unselfish things you can be. I really hate that society has *progressed* to the point of questioning whether or not each pregnancy was *wanted* or not. Choice in conception is nice but it comes with all the stress of knowing that you chose your path. And everyone else knows that you have a choice so whatever happens, they'll let you know whether or not they think you made a good choice. Urg. Make me wonder what it was like in the days of pregnancies that people were happy to have you blessed with. Maybe you should tell them if they don't want any more grandchildren/nephews/nieces you can have any of your future children call them Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So. Maybe that'll shut 'em up.~

Thanks. You see it my way...kinda...what if things do get better in society...I am going to wish I had my children!
 

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I would tell the in laws to mind their own business...as long as you can feed, cloth and put a roof over their heads, you should have as many children as you want...Loving them and wanting them is more important than any material things you could givethem..Good luck and God bless you
 

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It's pretty rude of your extended family. They might be coming from a place of not wanting to see you struggle financially, but the baby is on the way and every baby is a blessing. Try hard to surround yourself with people that love and support you, especially now.

On the subject of large families, you don't have to decide right now how large your family will be. If you can't afford to have more right now, just wait until things are better for you. Some people are at peace with having more children while they are struggling a little and others aren't. At the end of the day your finances and certainly your family size are the personal decisions of your DH and yourself and no one elses.
 

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Has given our kids all the crap they have these days really done them any favors?

As long as you can feed, cloth and shelter them. You are meeting there needs. Now I admit that I did stop at 2 because after that I might not be able to feed and cloth them.
 

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I think it is totally up to you how many children you have.

We have 3. The 3rd came as a bit of a surprise as we thought we were done. After having the 3rd I thought I might want another one. DH was scheduled to have a V and I told him to please wait a few months so I can be sure I am done. Well after thinking long and hard, we decided we were done. There were many reasons for our decision. The economy, wanting to have time for each child. We have 3 children that are healthy now, given my age, I didn't want to risk having more children. DD had heart surgery 2 year ago, DS (6) was sent to NICU in Portland when he was 5 days old. They thought he had bowel necrosis, and I don't think I could go through being scared like that again.

Anyway, I think it is totally up to you. If you are able to support and raise more children, I say go for it. If his family feels like that, I wouldn't even discuss it with them anymore. I didn't tell anyone that I maybe wanted more except DH.

Good luck!!
 

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I think the decision to have more children is between you and your hubby - it's no one elses business.
 

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I also think that the decision to have more children should be solely yours and your husbands. Honestly, if we had waited to have children until we were financially stable according to 'society's' standards, we may have not have had children until about 5 years ago. We chose to have 3 and did a great job raising them on what we had. They never went without anything and we didn't receive assistance, so I think we did ok. I think you will be fine too. Somehow parenting skills kick in and you just know what you need to do to provide for each and every child be it 1 or 6.

As for the economy, we may be in slump now, but eventually it will rebound. It always does. It may be years down the road, but it will be better.
 

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I think it is a decision for you and your husband to make. I say that as long as children have the basics food, shelter and decent cloths then there is a lot more to being a family than the extras.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Thanks everyone! I really appreciate everyone's imput! :vibes:
I think the only thing I really have to wait for is to get off from my overnight job and I am sure it will be just a few more years :( But Ill wait and of course I will enjoy the ones I have now!
 

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I don't think that it is anyone's business except your own how many children you have! Good luck!
 

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I only have 1 child now(DS-will be 4 in 8/08) and am just learning the frugal ways and just bought Dave Ramseys TMMO. We are just now trying for baby #2. We are not financially stable but am working on it. We have committed to changing our ways (and already have in many ways). We waited until we owned a home before trying for #2 we achieved that goal in Nov' 06. While trying for #2 we are paying down debt and getting back on track. When we reach the goal of being debt free except for the mortgage we plan to go for #3. DH is a stay at home dad. I work full time.
It is totally a PERSONAL decision to have more children. The way I look at it is... if I never have more children I will regret that decision for the rest of my life. Follow your dreams! If you can feed,cloth, and provide a roof over their heads then carry on! You know what is best for you and your family.
 

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Sweetheart- it's time to grow a backbone & tell the in-laws to shut up. I know that I sound harsh when I say this, but believe you me, sometimes this is the only way to make negative people back off & if they are offended - so what. I have had to deal with the same thing - some people would say such ugly things b/c I have alot of kids - it would make me feel horrible.Sadly, it took a tubal ligation to make me realize that if I lived my life trying to please other people, the only one that would suffer would be me-(also dh b/c he saw what I went through). I was very fortunate to have been able to have it reversed & now we have 10 wonderful kiddos:)
DH & I started w/ nothing -there was a time that we didn't have .25 to mail a letter. But things have a way of changing & our kids have never went without food/clothing/shelter/medical care -their needs have always been met no matter how bad times had been - somehow , we've always managed.
Honey, you're not being selfish at all - your family members are judging you by their own capabilities & that is wrong. You know what you want for your life and it is not the same as the next person. They have no right to dictate to you what your obligation to society should be & evidently they haven't a clue what the word "SACRIFICE" means.
Sure, there is alot of uncertainty out there - there always has been since the Garden of Eden. If you feel in your heart that having a large family is what you are called to do - do it & let God take care of the "what if's":)
 

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Noooooooo you're not being selfish.
You can do what ever you want as long as you are comfortable and able to handle what you want.
 
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