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i don't know how old dd is or what the situation is but there should be some help at your 'state' level....call your local crisis connection and explain and they should be able to hook you up with a local agency....look in your phone book for their #..... if you can't find it...call the NON-emergency # for your local police dept and ask them for the number.....

good luck....and i hope things work out...
 

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posted twice...sorry...
 

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I know that she is your daughter but you can not let anyone assault you or your DH. I think you need to get the authorities involved. They can give you resources for your own safety and also get your DD the help that she needs.
 

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Is there mental illness involved? Do you have a county board of nursing? You might call them about suggestions on help for your daughter. Also you can call your local hospital to find agencies that can help you.
 

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I don't know how big your daughter is or in what manner she acts out, but violence against a parent violates even my hippy parent sensibilities. I can't imagine what kind of hell your daughter is going through to be so abusive to her family but it probably doesn't help that the two people who should be in control can't seem to handle a 12 year old child. She's old enough to know what she's putting you through.

I don't hit my kids. Regardless, if my daughter (even at 8 years old) were to raise her hand to me, I would, no questions asked. If a 12 year old child were to do the same (any 12 year old child) I would lay her out. At that age you're old enough to know that if you're going to hit someone you're going to get hit back. If you don't teach her this, someone on the street will and that lesson will go down a lot harder.

In your situation, it might be best to start with counseling for you and your DH. I don't know what the police are going to teach her that you haven't been able to in a period of 12 years, but it may benefit her to learn that their are consequences to her actions. Best of luck to you guys and I'm sorry if I've overstepped too much. Just know that it's coming from someone who's (sort of) been there.
 

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I have no advise, but I'm glad your looking for help. Best wishes, thinking of you.
 

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Your childs school counselor should be able to get help for all of you. I cant imagine that she is having troubles only at home..they will be able to direct you in the right direction.

Hugs

P.S. Nishu is right, get her help before someone with street smarts educates her.
 

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i would get a family counselor, both individual and joint counseling. worth every penny.

as a teacher of teenagers, i find that if i put bass in my voice, and stand up straight, i can avert any situation - nip it in the bud- and "dare" them by by demeanor -by deep voice and teacher eyeball- to pull any stunts; they stop. other times i use humor and change of subject to diffuse a tense situation.

let's practice: (deep, testosterone slow voice) "...Don't... you ...dare...." they will back off immediately.

this works for normal teenagers. If there is a mental illlness, it will not work.

edited to add: i agree with nishu. i would lay her out at that moment. you can't wait for later. there wouldn't be a backside left when i got finished. it might take two of you. remember the teenage mind is not developed enough to wait til dad gets home.
 

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I don't know why I got it in my head she was 12? That's a little strange. I don't see you mentioning her age so I wonder what I was thinking...
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
My son is 12 and my daughter just turned 8 last week.

I am so afraid to spank her like that. We do normal swatting on the bottom and take away toys and privileges. My dh cleaned her room out Friday of everything but the bed and a dresser. We even have the lock turned inside out so she isn't supposed to come out of her room, but she always manages to get it open.

She has been like this since she was 9 months old. We co-slept with her from the time she was born. When she was 9 months old, we decided it was time to move her into her bedroom. We tried for two weeks to get her to sleep in her own bed. Then I read somewhere about crying it out. So I sat outside her bedroom door and listened to her scream and cry for two SOLID hours. It totally broke my heart. I had to go in and get her because I couldn't take it anymore. It seems from that time own she has had these "fits". They have progressively gotten worse over the years.

We took her to a counselor this time last year. She told us to read a book, I can't remember the name of it right now, but it consisted of telling them three times to knock it off and then hand out discipline. It seemed to work for a month and then she was right back at doing the same thing.

WE talk to her and tell her not to have those fits and she will get to do things. She just won't let it sink in and do it. She is a perfect angel around her teachers at school, her grandparents, and neighbors. She is only like this with dh and I.

I can't believe the things she says to me and dh. She tells us she hates us and is going to kill us and that we are stupid. She also puts me down and tells me I am fat and ugly. (That is the truth, but it hurts coming out the mouth of someone you love, regardless if they mean it or not.)

Dh and I have NOT abused her in anyway. We are so good to her. My ds is a good child for the most part. When we tell him to do something he does it. Sometimes he grumbles, but most kids do that once in a while.

I sent dh out to the store to buy a cheap video camera. I have said all these years I am going to tape her acting like this, but never had the extra money to spend on a video recorder. We don't really have it now, but I am at the point of desperation. I need some peace around my home and every day this week has been World War 3 around here. I am just so tired of the fight.

Also, on Monday morning my dh had a nervous breakdown. He is worried about other things like having a crappy job, and house. But it was mostly about dd treating us the way she is. We can't keep living like this.

I am sorry this is so jumbled and confusing. I am just writing it off the top of my head as it comes to me. I appreciate all your advice and links. I am bookmarking the links and am checking them out.

I have down time this morning as my dd is with my in-laws at church. It is such a relief not to have to listen to this crap.
 

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You need help from outside your house and very soon! This will get progessively worse not better without some serious intervention. This will have to include the entire family including sibling. And you will have to make a decision to all stick together in carrying out the intervention recommended by your professional of choice or it will be an utter waste of time and blood sweat and tears! You are not just being annoyed or inconvienced, this is actual abuse? You are being physically attacked? This afternoon you should begin to seek assistance for this child and yourselves. I wish you all the best and hope you will have the strength to do what is required.:grouphug: I speak from years of experience as a mental health professional.
 

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I second the other posters' suggestions to seek individual and family counseling for your DD. Depending on what her family history of mental illness may be, she might also need some type of a medication to aid with her aggression. Also, have her checked by a doctor to rule out any physical/biological reason for her behavior. Clear boundaries and consistent discipline (w/ zero wiggle room and immediate consequences) help with kids who act out defiantly like this. By all means, document her behavior, even if all you do is summarize the date and circumstances in a notebook.

If your child continues to act out aggressively towards you and your husband, or is destroying property, etc., I recommend contacting your county's juvenile probation office and requesting to file a Family In Need Of Services (FINS) petition. This will aid in getting your family linked with therapy, training, and other services that may be available in your area. It also begins the process of documenting a history of behavior in the event that your child should need more intensive services.
 

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I can't believe the things she says to me and dh. She tells us she hates us and is going to kill us and that we are stupid. She also puts me down and tells me I am fat and ugly. (That is the truth, but it hurts coming out the mouth of someone you love, regardless if they mean it or not.)
Ok... you see that right there? That tells me you've got about 0 self respect. Your daughter knows that. You need to man up. Be pack leader. Show your teeth.

Do you think your inlaws would put up with that behavior? Do you think her teachers would? Of course not- because they know a child's place and your daughter knows this. She knows how to behave but has apparently decided that her mom and dad are not worth the effort.

I will take back what I said earlier about hitting my kids. Shortly after my third child was born, my oldest child had a little bit of a crisis. She was having trouble getting to sleep at night, she was mouthing off and refusing to listen to us, and she was all around just being a jerk. She had just turned 7. During one of her fits (this crisis lasted about a week and half) she told me that I was stupid and that she hated me. She got smacked.

I felt like crap- but I didn't let her know. I let her stew in her room until she was able to calm down. Because of timing of this behavior and the fact that she was having trouble sleeping, I'm pretty sure she was just responding to the stress in the house and the hubbub of having company for a month straight. I have sympathy- I just want you to understand- I don't believe kids act out because they're bad. But it had to be dealt with.

Melatonin helped get her sleeping back to normal. When she threw her fits, I'd put her in her room. If she tore it up, she'd clean it up when she was done. Occasionally, she'd get a big bear hug until she calmed down. I realized immediately that I had to be the parent and stay calm while still dealing with the behavior.

You need to toughen up. She needs to learn self control. It's something that you need to deal with now because as someone else mentioned- it's only going to get worse until you do.

Get tough, mama. I'll be thinking about you.
 

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You need to stop running yourself down.........I'm heavy....... They are places that deal with behavior modification. They live there........ My neice had to do it to her son who was violent and was treatening to kill his mother and sister......It worked wonders for him......... Pull yourself up and be the boss. No child should run the house. Get help........
Fern
 

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She's got you buffaloed and cornered. She know's you are parenting out of guilt and that the discipline is short lived. She has no boundaries because you have none. If she can behave with other people it's because they are demanding it from her in a such a way that she believes them. She doesn't believe you. She's seen her mom and dad cave way too many times.
 
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