[lgw]

This is a little vent. I've had a number of girlfriends who have had children in the past year. Our friendships have totally changed. I never hear from them anymore. When I do reach out to them, it's baby, baby all the time. It's like their brains no longer process anything except "baby." DH and I have stopped socializing with one couple because every time we are with them, it's all baby, all the time. We have to schedule everything around baby. All they talk about is baby. I understand that they are excited about the baby, but I just can't take hours of staring and cooing at baby. It makes my brain melt.

 

[strezzed]

I understand totally. With one of my friends, I just sat her down and explained that we were shifting into different directions. With another, I just changed the subject until she got the point.

 

[frugalwarrior]

When you have a child it is a huge,encapulating,life changing event. Your perspective changes,your priorities shift and you don't ever get it. The closest I could explain would be like a super duper honeymoon period. The best thing that ever happened to them just happened to them and they are trying to relate and share w/ you. The problem is you can't relate and won't be able to until you have a kid of your own. There is an unspoken line between people w/ children and those w/o. Your time is your own and can be used to think about yourself and what you want. Your not resposible for anyones safety, happines and health and well being but your own. Things will never be the same,cant be, between you. They are a family unit and think in "group". This explanation will even fall short because the difference can't be defined. Everything is about the baby right now and always will be but in time there will be a little more time for other things.

 

[LynnLC]

I cannot stand when women do that. I deal with kids all day, I don't want to be out for the evening and still discussing it.

 

[The Muse]

I can totally relate. I've lost all of my girlfriends to the motherhood. At first, it upset me, but I've realized that I'd rather lose all of my friends than have a baby. So I find other ways to fill my time, mostly hobbies and doing things with my husband, who also appreciates the freedom and carefree living that comes with not having children.

I get that people are excited about having babies, and I'm excited for them, but really, I don't care about anything related to babies or kids. At all.

 

[strezzed]

When you have a child it is a huge,encapulating,life changing event. Your perspective changes,your priorities shift and you don't ever get it. The closest I could explain would be like a super duper honeymoon period. The best thing that ever happened to them just happened to them and they are trying to relate and share w/ you. The problem is you can't relate and won't be able to until you have a kid of your own. There is an unspoken line between people w/ children and those w/o. Your time is your own and can be used to think about yourself and what you want. Your not resposible for anyones safety, happines and health and well being but your own. Things will never be the same,cant be, between you. They are a family unit and think in "group". This explanation will even fall short because the difference can't be defined. Everything is about the baby right now and always will be but in time there will be a little more time for other things.

This is a great description of what these women are going through.
On the other hand, there are women (like myself) who have infertility problems. I chose to distance myself from women who've just had babies, as it's very painful to hear about this "honeymoon phase" they're going through. I don't like to share this with many people, and I shouldn't have to. It's just sometimes a little bit of sensitivity would be appreciated. For example, if I've changed the subject 3 times and I'm on the verge of tears, it's just so hard. I finally did share this with a good girlfriend of mine and our friendship is terrific, but I've shared my issues with other women and they just go on because either they chose not to care or don't understand.
Sorry to rant and go off on this tangent. Jst another perspective.

 

[cab54]

I can relate somewhat to all of you. I am in the post-children, reitred persons, empty-nest-and-for-the-most-part-loving-it phase of life.

Like strezzed, I had 6 years of infertility before finally becoming pregnant. That is sooo painful if you are the type who always envisioned yourself a mother someday. At that time in my life, I was workign at a doctor's office where people came in and went on and on about their pregnancies, or asked for abortions, and I couldn't get pg!! :shrug2: It hurt. So strezzed----:hugz: to you.

And like frugalwarrior, I know that childbirth and bring a baby into your life consumes you. It is hard to imagine any other lifestyle at that point in time. I'm sure I talked everyone's ear off about my first little boy, especially after waiting so long.

And-- those of you who plan to remain childless (a choice that I respect and admire, as I feel you are more in tune to who YOU are instintively than any of us are , and know that it would not be for you---a choice a lot of mothers DON'T make and then are ill equipped emotionally to handle the huge new change in their lives, of a baby and it's care and raising--18 years of it). My feeling is if ya know it ain't for you...good ON ya for not having one.

Being in empty nest phase, I am constantly reminded of how much new moms are consumed with their kids, as I have a 20-yr-younger-than-me SIL who is like your friends. Her kids are little, they are her life, and they are what she talks about.

Having BEEN through that phase, I totally get where she's coming from, but find I have to stifle a YAWN once in awhile becasue my life has moved on from all of that baby/small child stuff. But I politely listen. LOL!

My 'boys' are now 23 and 25. I really really REALLY put my 'all' into them whilst raising them and now I'm DONE. I put so much 'all' into raising them, that I am kinda GLAD they are giving me a few years of 'ME-dom' and 'US-dom' before presenting me with grandchildren.

I love kids. I go over and play 'chase and shoot and jump and tumble' with my SIL's kids. (at 54)

I love my youngest sister's grandkids--all under 8. They're cute and fun and I knit things for them all the time. But I'm glad their HERS. LOL!

 

[MaryCarney]

While I love my children, and they are the center of MY universe, I also realize (and have pointed out to them) that they are not the center of THE universe. This is where, in my opinion, the ridiculous 'self-esteem movement' has its ugly roots. I know that sounds harsh, but it's part of the problems in the world right now.
If you want to view the Monument to the Self-Esteem Movement, try watching the audition episodes of American Idol!

 

[JanieD]

Its comforting to find others who understand. I truly do not get the baby thing since I've chosen to be child free. IMO its ridiculous that many seem unable to focus on anything not baby/kid related. It would be nice if they could realize that there are reasons not everyone has children.

Often, I avoid those people since I can only stand so many pictures & cute stories. I try to share furbaby stories when possible... usually they find someone else to talk w/very quickly. Its hard to lose friends to parenthood, but it seems to happen. I've actually been told I'd have more friends if I had kids. Guess its really impossible to get pass the kids thing w/some people.

 

[Contrary Housewife]

I've lost a couple of friends to babies, too. I can understand that a baby takes up 100% of your life and you are excited about the new addition. What I don't get is parents who "can't" (or won't) get a sitter for one evening out with other adults, or a couple hours shopping without a stroller in tow. It's like the umbilical cord never got cut.

 

[frugalwarrior]

Dear strezzed. It totally is not beyond my understanding how you feel. Wow. Ok. Let me first say I am not one of those people who ever gets things easily in life. Every thing i do always takes at least two tries. I don't share this info. easily.
My first pregnancy was in the first year of our marriage. i still hadn't felt the baby move at 4 months. I was sent to a specialist and told my baby had severe spina bifida and severe hydrocephalis and it was one of the worst cases he had ever seen. It was so early it would get much worse. The child would have brain damage,be incontinent, paralyzed, and require brain shunts which would have to be replaced over time. He would die eventually. I was 24 and my husband 23. We terminated. Genetic testing was in the early stages. I was guilt racked. I became pregnant again 3 years later and miscarried. I was sure God was punishing me for terminating. I became pregnant again and got into a car accident when 8 days preg. I got multiple xrays and then found out I was pregnant. i didn't terminate but for 9 months I was stressed. My daughter has multiple neurologic prob. incl. auditory processing disorder,ADHD,Convergence prob. w/ her eyes. I thought it was my fault from the car accident or the xrays.
Two years later I became pregnant again w/ twins. I prayed for no neurologic prob. By this time women were taking folic acid. I was on double. One twin disappeared. 5 weeks two/ten weeks one. My son has ADHD but no other problems that we know of. 5 fetuses in 5 years,two babies.
By this time the human genome project was under way. I knew I couldn't take the pill because I will clot.Had gotten a subclavial thrombosis spontaneously at 23. Come to find out I have protein S deficiency. My husband has protein C deficiency. There is no way either of us should have children. Our Hemotologist was shocked to find we had 2. He told me I must not get preg. again.
We paid a heavy emotional price for our children. I didn't want you to think I don't get it. So I ante up for you.
I don't know how old you are but if you want children have them any way you can. Adopt,foster,invetro whatever.
I wanted you to know there was a time when I watched women w/ many children and was so driven w/ envy I could have died. Dirty kids used to drive me insane. So yes, when i finally was blessed w/ mine the rest of the world didn't exist. And if old friends didn't understand I could have cared less.

 

[lgw]

So yes, when i finally was blessed w/ mine the rest of the world didn't exist. And if old friends didn't understand I could have cared less.

This attitude is exactly what I'm talking about. "The rest of the world didn't exist. ... If old friends didn't understand I could have cared less."

My point is, the rest of the world *does* exist, and I think it's extremely unhealthy to have your entire world circumnavigate around a baby. I understand loving your kid. Really, I do. But this baby obsession results in a level of insular and obsessive thinking and behavior that goes right to entitlement-mindedness.

Soon the baby will be a toddler with "Princess" shirts. Then she'll be told how "special" she is in school. And when she's a teenager, she'll think she can do whatever she wants -- and her parents will let her. They will spend oodles and oodles of cash coddling her and responding to her every irrational want. When she goes to college and starts to get minor doses of reality in the form of expectations and responsibilities, mom and dad will be right there to fight her battles for her when she fails or falls short.

And guess what? When she becomes an adult and has to support herself, she'll get a cold wake-up call known as reality when she realizes that the world actually doesn't revolve around her.

Finally, it's very uncaring to drop long-time friends like a hot potato as soon as baby arrives or expect them to plan all social engagements around the baby. It used to be that parents recognized the need for and enjoyment of adult time. Not anymore.

 

[strezzed]

frugalwarrior, thank you for your post. I didn't mean to imply that you didn't understand the struggle. I commend you for all that you've been through. You're a stronger woman for it.
If you're okay with giving up some friends for it, that's entirely your choice. I hope your friends understand and that they're still there for you when you're ready to have enough room for them again.

 

[strezzed]

This attitude is exactly what I'm talking about. "The rest of the world didn't exist. ... If old friends didn't understand I could have cared less."

My point is, the rest of the world *does* exist, and I think it's extremely unhealthy to have your entire world circumnavigate around a baby. I understand loving your kid. Really, I do. But this baby obsession results in a level of insular and obsessive thinking and behavior that goes right to entitlement-mindedness.


Finally, it's very uncaring to drop long-time friends like a hot potato as soon as baby arrives or expect them to plan all social engagements around the baby. It used to be that parents recognized the need for and enjoyment of adult time. Not anymore.

lgw, I understand where you're coming from, although I don't entirely agree with all of your arguments. This point that you make about the rest of the world existing is a very good one. It actually reminds me of high school. Do you remember any of your friends basically vanishing when they had a new significant other? There's a similarity. I find that the girls in high school who were like this are the same when they have their children. And those who could lead a balanced life between friendships and lovers are also able to do the same when they have babies. I'm off on a tangent, thinking out loud.

 

[frugalwarrior]

Speaking of entitlement-mindedness (Not that thats a term). The rest of the world doesn't exist during the honeymoon period.You are crass. And Jealous. My child is 18 years old. Has none of the issues you state. She grew up w/ children of priveledge. It is incredible to me that's all you gleaned out of this whole post. You are very young.I hope. People grow,people change and so do priorities. If you are half as bitter as you seem, perhaps it isn't the "baby" thats the problem. Family always takes priority over friends anyway.

 

[strezzed]

Speaking of entitlement-mindedness (Not that thats a term). The rest of the world doesn't exist during the honeymoon period.You are crass. And Jealous. My child is 18 years old. Has none of the issues you state. She grew up w/ children of priveledge. It is incredible to me that's all you gleaned out of this whole post. You are very young.I hope. People grow,people change and so do priorities. If you are half as bitter as you seem, perhaps it isn't the "baby" thats the problem. Family always takes priority over friends anyway.

Who was this aimed at?

 

[frugalwarrior]

Strezzed, I was worried I hurt you. This was long ago. That DD graduated Tues. I am not as strong as I'd like. I meant giving up seeing friends for a time. Some friends will not understand. We have good friends who did not have children that we have known since high school. We did not understand their choice and they do not understand our lifestyle but we respect each others differences. Now that our children are almost grown we do get together more often. No one is talking about tossing anyone aside.It's just that sometimes two different lifestyles don't work together for awhile. (Ex. people w/ babies or young children often don't have extra money for sitters or going out to eat especially if the mom has left working for awhile or stays home like I did)

 

[frugalwarrior]

Strezzed, I did not care for lgw's post when I was speaking to you. I was actually flabbergasted by it. i probably should have ignored it.

 

[CrazyCat]

lgw...wow..you are certainly outspoken.

And also judgemental if you are lumping all parents together. Excuse me...but there are parents who certainly focus all their attention on their children~but Smart parents also realize...that at some point the kids will be gone, and it will just be you and your dh~(or sometimes just you).

I have a 22 and 16 yr old, and they have grown up realizing that their parents go out still. and have a good time. without them. As my kids were in elementary school, they could look around and count the kids who still had parents that were married-On two hands in a classroom of 30 or so. So...when my dh and I would go out,~I would remind them that parents need to be able to go out without their children and work on their marriage.

Yes..I've seen parents like you've described. I've also seen kids like you've described...but they don't all turn out that way

 

[QM]

...My point is, the rest of the world *does* exist, and I think it's extremely unhealthy to have your entire world circumnavigate around a baby. I understand loving your kid. Really, I do...

But do you really? You would understand if you had kids and could relate to us moms. :lol: