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Discussion Starter #1
I had posted some of this in the general chat forum, not realizing that this would be amore appropriate place to discuss my recent issues with a friend. I am so frustrated with this whole thing that I thought if I could type it out I might be able to process it better and hopefully find an acceptable resolution.

I met a woman in town a few years ago. I will call her Beth, for the sake of this story. I thought she was the nanny for family that lived up the street from me. As I got to know her, I found out that she had once been the family's babysitter approximately 10 years earlier, but over time had morphed into more of a big sister and did all of her childcare for free and paid for much of what the kids wanted. The mom of the family was a single mom of 3 and was rarely home. Beth was very resentful for everything thing she has done/was doing, but she took it upon herself to go grocery shopping, cleaned the house, gave rides, paid for school pictures,etc. At the time I couldn't understand how this single mom could take total advantage of Beth. Beth was receiving a hefty workman's comp salary and spent ALL of it each month on these children.

Around the time that I met Beth, her pseudo family was preparing to move across the state. This would leave Beth with no real "purpose", as she had spent the last 10+ years taking care of the children. She received a workman's comp settlement of over 150K and told me that she would like to use some of the $$$ have artificial insemination to have her own child. She openly admitted that she "sucks at relationships" and therefore had no real chance of having her own child. She was 31 at the time.

I told her that, as a friend, would support her decision, if that is what she chose. She began to get very excited and make plans to start the AI process. It was around that time that she started calling me her BFF and posting all kinds of "inspirational BFF" stuff on my facebook wall. She sent me sappy messages like "I love you so much. I am so thankful my child will have an auntie like you. Our friendship is the best thing that has ever happened to me! I would die without you" etc. She confided in me that she has physical relationships with men, but that her emotional needs are met with her female friendships. She didn't want to tell anyone that she was pg--so I became one of the ONLY people that knew about his. It was all we ever talked about. She began joking that I was the "Baby Daddy". She scheduled ALL appts so I could be there. If I wasn't available she would call another friend. She NEVER wanted to be alone in this not even for one appt. We went thru 8 months or so of treatments, ups and downs, lots of tears and late night convos, all me comforting her, listening to her fears, tantrums, etc. It was EXHAUSTING for me, but I figured once she got pg, it would all mellow out. She finally got pg. She began complaining at 6 weeks into the pg re: the nausea, tiredness, etc. The next 9 months were many convos thruout the day re: how sick she was, again her fears, perceived slights by family, etc. Despite my own special needs children and preparing to graduate from college etc, I attended almost every appointment through out the pg. I again, told myself that this would pass, we would eventually talk about something other than her/the pg, and her "problems" etc.

Before the baby was born, so in less than 2 years time, she spent ALL of the 150K. She occupied her time by mindless shopping and spent EVERY DIME of the settlement BEFORE the arrival of the baby. She gave birth to a healthy baby girl and I *thought* things would go back to "normal".

NOPE.

Her daughter is THE ONLY thing we talk about. My son's battle with lyme disease, my own struggles, my special needs children, etc. are insignificant to her. I have watched the baby only a handful of times, but she asks me quite a lot. She sends me pics several times a day of the baby with captions like "Hi Auntie! I'm taking my bath!" or "Hi Auntie! I'm eating peas today!"......sigh. It is SMOTHERING me.

Along with being a shopaholic, she is also a post-a-holic. She puts EVERY MINUTE of this kids life on facebook. ALL. DAY. LONG. It's too much for me. I can't take it. I get scolded if I don't comment on the 144 pics of her daughters first birthday. I feel like this woman has INVADED MY BRAIN! LOL!

But the clincher is the fact that because she spent 150K, everyone has come to the aid of this poor single mother. Her parents gave her a small home, pay her electric bill, repair her car, change her oil, rake her yard, fix any and everything in her home at no charge to her. Workman's comp pays for her schooling and her gas. The govt pays for her food stamps, heating, WIC, and welfare. Her parents give her $$$ when she runs low at the end of the month. Her parents babysit 3-5 days a week so she can go to school and have time to herself. She asks friends to babysit on the other days so she can run errands or clean her house, kid-free. She TRULY believes that this child enhances the lives of the people that watch her. Beth does NOTHING without financial and/or emotional support. EVER. She signed the baby up for TWO swim classes when she was 6 months old and pays a high school kid twice a week to go to the YMCA to dress/undress the baby for swim class because Beth finds it too challenging to have to dress/undress herself and baby. BUT--for 3 months in a row she asked me to pick up her Prilosec because she couldn't afford the $3.85 co-pay.

I had to quit my full time job to be home with a very sick child, but she will ask me to run to town and get things for her. She will ask me to watch the baby's swim class because her baby "will cheer you up". She has manipulated days for me to see the baby, such as the actual birthday, even tho I was going to the party 2 days later. She wanted me to see the baby on her actual birthday, but I was super busy with my sick kid, appts, etc. She came up with something that she HAD TO HAVE and stopped by unannounced to pick it up, JUST so she could get her way.

She doesn't respect my boundaries at all. She invites herself over, and when I give a timeframe like "I can only hang out til 7 pm because I need to get up early in the morning" she disregard it and stays and stays til 10 pm. She ACKNOWLEDGES that she is doing it such as saying "I know I should leave, but I'm so bored at home so you will have to put up with me!" and then STAYS and STAYS. She laughs off any comment I make, like "Man, I am so tired! Tomorrow is gonna be rough!" trying to hint that she has outstayed her welcome. She will say "Well, you can blame me for that! hahahaha!" and then CONTINUES TO STAY. It is infuriating!

We are now having problems because I have ever so gently started standing up for myself. A few weeks ago she asked me to buy her medicine again. I told her I would, but that it seemed like something was wrong that she couldn't live on all the assistance she receives, including $500 in welfare and a few $100 from her parents. She got VERY angry and told me NEVER MIND! and now she is angry because she sent me a fb message AND text last Sunday that read "Are you busy today?" I knew what was coming...so I wrote back "Can't think of the last day I wasn't. LOL :) Why what's up?" She then went on to ask me to watch the baby so she could go to the mall because it's easier and faster to go without her daughter. So, yes--I would have 5 kids: 2 special needs, 1 bedridden with lyme, an "easy one", and her baby--So SHE could go to the mall alone.

Feeling a little frustrated but trying to be as nice as I could, I wrote back "Life was easier and faster before you had the baby, but you're a mama now. <3"

She wrote back "A simple I'M BUSY would have sufficed!" That was the final straw for me. I started ignoring her texts that day until I could figure out how to respond appropriately. She apologized by blaming the guy at the store for being disrespectful and that's what set her off. But that's her MO. Bite my head off and then blame someone else. She barraged me with lengthy text messages calling herself all kinds of derogatory names in a desperate attempt to have me comfort her and tell her it's 'ok'. She asked me to call her so we could talk about it. I told her I needed some time to sort out how I was feeling. She gave me a day and a half and now requesting a face-to-face meeting.

I told her I would call her sometime in the next week. I don't know what else to do. This is SO overwhelming and uncomfortable. We live in a tiny town and now I feel like I can't go on fb or leave the house much for fear of running into her. It's totally altered my life and it sucks. I can't focus on what I need to get done because this is preoccupying my time.
 

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Block her number on your phone, block her on FB, and don't acknowledge her in public. If she comes over, don't answer the door. Go about your life as you would normally.
 

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:yeah:

She can't walk on you unless you let her. Not nearly as much, anyway.

IMO, you need to stop hinting and state things as clearly as you can possibly do so. If she had been at my house overstaying her welcome and told me I had to put up with her, my response would have been, "No, I don't" and I'd have showed her the door. I would have told her I had things I needed to do, and that she had to go so I could do them. If all you do is hint, she will deflect that and do what SHE wants, and it seems she's demonstrated that time and again.

She's been telling you over and over again that she has no respect for you, and that you're there only to meet her needs. That's not a friendship.

You're allowing her to control the situation and therefore your life and time by not taking your hints. Take back control and be direct, though polite. If she's offended because you won't allow yourself to be walked on anymore, it's her problem.

Her parents created this problem by, apparently, raising her to think she's the center of the universe. Let them deal with her.
 

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I agree, what has she done FOR you to show her "friendship"? She is just using you, it seems. Time to put your foot down, tell her you have quit FB, don't be home when she wants to come over, you are too busy to help her out.... If she gets mad - TOUGH SH*T!! and be prepared for her to tell everyone else in town how mean you are to her, but IMO it would be worth it to be rid of her.

Take care of your own family and let her take care of hers. (((HUGS)))
 

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Tell her you need to focus on your own family. Every time you post, answer, and give her attention, you are contributing to her problem. Stop.
 

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Totally agree with b o n n o t s m 9 . Have to type it that way or kindle changes my words. My kids laugh at me for quoting Dr Phil, but he states things that have so much common sense. You teach people how to treat you. She is walking all over you and disrespecting you because you let her. Think of it this way she has no problem treating you this way so you shouldn't be concerned totally stopping the relationship. From the sound of your circumstances with your children you need a real friend with compassion. You don't deserve to be treated this badly. I hope you find a way out of this one sided relationship ASAP.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Gah. I was hoping to take the advice here and just let the relationship die. But guess who contacted me as I logged into fb today? She posted status update last night that she gave her dd Augmentin for an ear infection and her dd threw it up. She was wondering if anyone else had the same exp indicating that she is allergic. I didn't respond because that never happened to my children. Five others responded, so she wasn't ignored. Then I get this:

"Hey. Sry to bug you, did you ever have any issues with G or E throwing up a medicine after they took it when they were little? I'm not like worried or anything, just curious if it happens a lot. She's never had an issue with throwing up a med. she would occasionally spit out the Zantac, but that's been it"

Maybe I am being too sensitive--but if she isn't worried and I have asked for space--WHY IS SHE CONTACTING ME over something that she is "just curious" about???? I didn't respond. Am I crazy or is this another clear violation of my personal space? Am I reading too much into this because I am upset with her??? Is she just trying to rope me into her life again?
 

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One would think she would call her doctor's office over something involving meds and her small child.

good for you for not responding. Be aware of something the psychologists call "extinction burst"
Extinction (psychology) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

As you continue to NOT respond to her, she may re-double her efforts to get you to respond. Don't let it drive you crazy, be strong!!
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I am contemplating this as a response. Feedback please?

You don't get it at all. Clearly your "curiosity" trumps my need for personal space. I have asked for space and you continue to contact me over small things. That's the problem. Your small stuff is HUGE, and my HUGE things are made small. That's all I can say about the situation right now.
 

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Ignore her. Responding will only encourage her to keep contacting you. Why haven't you unfriended her on FB yet? She can't send you messages if she's no longer your friend. If you don't unfriend her, then clearly the relationship isn't as bothersome as you're saying it is.

With people like that, you will never get the last word, so don't waste your time and energy trying.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
I haven't un-friended her so I don't appear dramatic. This is a small town and we have 40 plus mutual friends. Don't want to draw attention it us having an argument. She is a 4 Th generation Towny. I'm a transplant.
 

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I haven't un-friended her so I don't appear dramatic. This is a small town and we have 40 plus mutual friends. Don't want to draw attention it us having an argument. She is a 4 Th generation Towny. I'm a transplant.
You asked for the FV forum opinion...they have complied in giving it...YOU are choosing to make excuses as to why you can not set boundaries with this "friend" and why you will continue to allow her to use you... hmmm...sounds like you just want to whine....
 
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Say nothing. Post nothing. She is looking for attention and probably doesn't care if it is positive or negative at this point.
 

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Agree, just ignore, if you can't unfriend. Although I don't believe anyone pays attention to who friends who, I know I don't.

You can use your response if you have to see her in person or on the phone.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
I thought I was free to make my own judgment re: what is best? If you ask someone for their opinion, you are free to agree or disagree no? I have weighed all suggestions and I agree with just about everything said, but I think unfriending her would EXASCERBATE the situation right now, which is not something I want. I apologize if not complying with every suggestion makes it appear that I want to whine. Just don't need a bad situation to turn worse. I appreciate all the suggestions. :)
 
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