Frugal Village Forums banner

1 - 20 of 99 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
144 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
after one of them cheats?

If someone in the marriage cheats and it only happened one time. says they want to work it out. Can it be saved?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,030 Posts
Yes and it can even grow stronger. It all depends on the parties invovled how committed they are to saving the relationship and if thier personalites allow for forgiveness. Some people are so damaged by being cheated on that they can never let it go. When someone cheats it usually indicates something was either lacking in the relationship or in the person who cheated.One would have to work really hard to get past what has happened but it can be done and you can be better for it
 
  • Like
Reactions: kaurand554 and amyd

·
Registered
Joined
·
144 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
thank you for telling me that. i am still in shock and so hurt. but i love him and i know he loves me. we have been together 13 years, married 12. we never really put time into the two of us. it has always been the kids first and us last. we both realized we need to change that and make "us" first. i am trying really hard to believe him and what he is telling me about working on us. it is hard though. I just found out last night and i think i am still in shock.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,102 Posts
I hate to say this, but my dad cheated on my mom when I was about 9 or 10 and my mother did kick him out. But he was very remorseful and they dated for several months and worked on what issues they had. They have been married for 48 years now.
So I think its up to you both. Just take some time to think and talk.:hug2:
 
  • Like
Reactions: nadine64

·
Registered
Joined
·
253 Posts
I agree with Lora88. Your marriage can be saved if once you have gone past the innital shock you are able to forgive him and also if he can work hard enough to gain your trust back. I have gone through something similar with a relative, not my spouse. I was able to forgive her after much time. She did get in touch with me wanting a relationship but I told her she will have to work hard to gain my trust back. It's not something that can be done overnight, but with patience and perseverence, it can be achieved.
Have a conversation with yourself and see what you are honestly open and willing to do. Then go from there. Is your husband open to working on the marriage? It will take lots of work from both of you to get it done. I read somewhere this really good advice that said that when expressing your feelings one should use "I feel that..." instead of "You always....".
My heart goes out to you. Stay strong and you will get through it.
Many hugs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,566 Posts
ttistin: First, I'm very sorry - and yes, I think there *is* hope. I think you know where the answer to finding that hope lies, too. The answer lies in what you said, and I think there's an important lesson here for all married couples. tistin said "we never really put time into the two of us. it has always been the kids first and us last. we both realized we need to change that and make "us" first"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,743 Posts
We were discussing forgiveness in Bible study last night. The thing that puts it all in perspective for me is how much God has forgiven us - how can we not forgive others?

Until you forgive (and it may not be today, or even this week or this YEAR) but until you forgive, you cannot know peace within yourself.

You are wise to see that you need to work on 'us'- you are in my prayers today!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,532 Posts
Absolutely! I've seen 3 marriages go through this issue during the past 2 years. And they are together better than ever. With man this is impossible but with God all things are possible!
Praying for you and knowing you're going to be telling us wonderful stories of renewed love and trust!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
144 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Thank you all for your kind words. I know it is going to be hard work, on both sides. I have been praying for strength on this. I can't sleep, can't eat. I haven't been able to really cry yet, i know it is on its way though. I keep shaking, i think I am still in shock over this.

I am trying to be strong. I am trying to do everything I can to keep the kids out of it. They are just kids and do not need to have this put on them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,566 Posts
May I ask - aside from protecting the kids - what do you want?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,566 Posts
That's an answer, but I think you don't need me to tell you that the next question is "what will make you happy?"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
144 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
I did not put that on there because right now I don't know for sure. I am still trying to figure this out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,566 Posts
Well, I'm by no means an expert, but I think you have a few decisions you will need to make. You're going to need time to make them, too.

The first decision in my mind is - do you WANT to trust this man again? I'm not going to sugar coat this - he's broken your trust in just about the worst way possible. That's going to hurt for a long time. I don't think it's impossible for you him to re-earn that trust in time, but you have to decide whether or not that, and I don't expect you to know yet. It's going to take you time to figure that out.

If you think you want this to work out, the two of you need to be in counseling immediately. You need to work with an expert to help the both of you come to understand why this happened, and what you two can do to make each other first as equals in your lives.

I won't even begin to speculate on why this has happened - that's for you two and the counselor to work out. It could be for any number of reasons - none good, but some definitely worse than others. Personally, I think getting to the why - with professional help of a counselor - is something that has to happen *before* you make a decision about whether you will want to trust him again. If the cause is something both of you can fix in the relationship - that does not mean you have an obligation to trust him again, but I would see that as more favorable than if the cause were something really stupid and unthinking on his part.

Whatever you decide - I hope you'll feel safe coming here for moral support. That took a lot of courage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
144 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
we do not have insurance right now, we can not afford to pay for a counselor out of pocket. I do agree that it would be the best route but with no insurance I don't see us being able to right now.

I did make it very clear to him that we have to talk. We have to be open with each other and more then anything honest. Even if it hurts.

We made a decision that from now on after dinner we will sit down and talk. Not about the kids either, it will more then likely be about what is going on right now but eventually it needs to be about us. So we will sit in living room or at dinning room table, no tv, no computers. Just us.

I am thinking about trying some exercises. I want to see about each of us writing down things we like/love about the other. maybe what we do not like about the other. What we feel is important. things like that, and then read it to the other person and talk about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,566 Posts
If there's anyone around you - church leader, trusted friends, someone you can have as a neutral third party, I heavily recommend that. It will be very helpful to have someone available who is not on anyone's side as a part of some of these conversations. A neutral 3rd party can help prevent unfair accusations from either side and help each side see perspectives that they otherwise may not see.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,603 Posts
We were discussing forgiveness in Bible study last night. The thing that puts it all in perspective for me is how much God has forgiven us - how can we not forgive others?

Until you forgive (and it may not be today, or even this week or this YEAR) but until you forgive, you cannot know peace within yourself.

You are wise to see that you need to work on 'us'- you are in my prayers today!
no, he can get his own forgiveness. the best i can do is stay away.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,566 Posts
no, he can get his own forgiveness. the best i can do is stay away.
LK I think what MC means in this context is until you can let the wrong that has been done against you go and not dwell upon it any more - to let go of any resentment or anger or grief over the wrong that's been done.

That doesn't necessarily mean you're going to keep dealing with the person who has wronged you - just that you're going to "let it go". As long as you hold onto anger over a wrong done to you, that wrong will still be affecting you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
217 Posts
My heart aches for the pain you are feeling. Do you belong to a church where you could at least get counseling from the pastor?

Several years ago I found out my husband had an ongoing "thing" with a woman at work. We had switched cell phone companies and the new cell phone bill came. The new bill had a record of every phone call made..... He swears it was just that he "needed someone to talk to" and there was nothing physical going on, although I still don't fully believe this, and if it wasn't at the time, it wouldn't have been long before there was. The number of calls made and the length of the calls was positively sickening. School boy crush is the only way I can think to describe it. This from a man who never has anything to say on the phone....

Our marriage wasn't great at the time. After having a few days of complete despair, I accepted my part in our poor relationship, but I still don't excuse his solution to the problem. We talked about counseling briefly at the time, but it never happened, although it should have. Our kids, who were in high school at the time, knew what was going on. Other than that, I never told a single soul about it because I was embarrassed I guess. I just swore I would never put up with this kind of behavior, until it happened to me. But keeping it to myself has become a burden that is almost more than I can bear. I may have forgiven him, but trust him.... No, I don't. And that's really sad and not necessarily the way I want to spend the rest of my life.

There may be some other options for counseling if you don't have insurance, it may just be a matter of finding it, or again, at least talking with your pastor if you belong to a church. Please, for your own sake, try to get help where you can. Take care.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
144 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
If there's anyone around you - church leader, trusted friends, someone you can have as a neutral third party, I heavily recommend that. It will be very helpful to have someone available who is not on anyone's side as a part of some of these conversations. A neutral 3rd party can help prevent unfair accusations from either side and help each side see perspectives that they otherwise may not see.

It is so hard here where we are at. it is such a small town. I need to find a church, I am christian. I think talking to someone from a church may help, I just need to talk dh into it. We do not have any friends that will stay neutral, so that will not work.

I am trying to see things from both sides, his and mine. I am trying to say things so it is not like I am accusing or angry. Just simply asking or saying. When he told me he gets a rush being around her, I understand that (not from personal experience) it is the forbidden making him feel that. That is something we need to work on.

He just told me on the phone he thinks it was just a fling type thing for her, she will not be interested anymore. Now I am not sure if I believe him or not but that is what he said. Told him we still had a lot of talking to do, he does not really like that idea. He just wants to leave it. It can't work that way. When he gets home we will have a lot to deal with I am sure.
 
1 - 20 of 99 Posts
Top