[frugalbabe]

My ILs have always joked that we (dh and I) are their retirement plan. Through a lifetime of bad luck, not saving and planning well they have now reached their 60s and have absolutely no savings at all. Things are starting to come to a head and I can tell the time is drawing near that they are going to need family members to start stepping up and offering assistance. We used our entire savings a few years ago for an emergency surgery for FIL, we pay for them to come and visit us. We are the only ones in the family who have gone on to college and make a decent income. I do love them they are loving, kind people, wonderful parents and grandparents but I fear they are going to undo all of the hard work that we have done, I can see them drowning us financially in a very short time. Dh is great he doesn't want to put our family in jeapordy but at the same time he feels an obligation to take care of his parents. FIL will have SS in a year and MIL works a bit at the low wage jobs she can find. They will have to declare bankruptcy eventually and probably move in with us as their health continues to fail.

My question is has anyone ever been through this? How do we protect ourselves but still make sure they are taken care of? How do we as the children start to have frank and blunt conversations with them that their lifestyles are going to have to change? I guess I could really use some BTDT advice because I am feeling very nervous and yes even resentful right now.....Tell it to me like you see it --I've got my big girl undies on!

 

[tomishco]

Wow. I would just have to have a blunt conversation. If they are loving and good parents/grandparents they should see that they are being selfish by putting their kids/grandkids in financial jeopardy! Your kids have to come first, period. Put it gently but firmly. Good luck to you!

 

[ladykemma2]

why do they have to declare bankruptcy?

i know a family that solved this problem by buying the house next door. the two familes lived side by side so the parents could be looked after. all the parents assets went toward the purchase of the home.

 

[elphie]

I have not BTDT but my parents have with my grandmother so I can share what I learned from witnessing that situation.

At 60 there is no reason for them not to be working. If there are disabilities that prevent them from working then they should be getting assistance. If it is just a matter of having worked hard and not wanting to work then time for that tough conversation. There are plenty of things a 60 yo can do to help out... Wal-mart is always looking for help and so are many other similar places. This may not be enough money for them to still not need help but it is better than nothing.

In the meantime dh needs to call of his siblings together and have a talk about responsibility. Just because the two of you have more education and income does not mean that all of this burden is yours. There needs to be a decision about how much help each child can afford; some may not be able to afford as much as others but at least they are contributing. There should also be a decision about how much time each child can afford for things like doctor's appointments, shopping, etc. Again, it may not be equal but the burden should not fall to one family.

Lifestyle changes are going to take place on everyone's part; IL's, yours, and dh's siblings. Yes, in order to make this work you may all have to do w/o some things right now in order to do this. No, its not fair but that is the way it is right now. Your kids will learn an important life lesson about respobsibility and family that they may not appreciate now when you cancel cable or they can't take dance lessons for a while. But in the end they will get it and they will be better people for it.

Finally, you need to protect your kids financial future. You do not want your own kids to be wondering one day how they will afford to take care of you. You must continue to work toward your financial goals, even if only in small ways to ensure that doesn't happen.

Good luck and keep us posted on the progress.

 

[knotme]

we are not in the BTDT situation yet but it is coming here soon. Even though you want to get the siblings together to discuss the situation, you also need to be aware that if the inlaws are stubborn (like mine are) that no matter how much you talk to them, they sill not listen and do what they want to do. If you put things in a " this would really help us" mind set instead of "you need or have to do this" you might have better luck. (AMHIK)

Tough situation. bets of luck to you....

 

[rainbowgc]

One thing to remember is helping them may not mean having to throw your hard earned money at them. Maybe instead you take the lead in getting them into the social programs available to them. The squeaky wheel gets the oil; so if you take on caring for them there is no need for social services.

 

[elphie]

I would also add that you and dh need to decide up front where you draw the line and present a clear, united front about that when you talk w/ everyone... not a "We refuse to __________." But more like, "__________ is the best we can do, what will the rest of you do to help fill in the gaps?"

 

[leezza]

You may want to check things out that will help them without you having to have them live with you:

*Have them both sign up for AARP, (I think it’s only $12.00 a year) they can get many benefits and discounts on all kinds of things.

*Check into them signing up for AAA, (yes insurance but they also offer many discounts and benefits on things.

*Check there local area for senior apartments/living, (if it is just the two of them they will qualify and it is based on what their income is.

*If they own a home see if it is possible to have them sell it to move into a more reasonable senior setting.

*Check to see that they are both signed up for SSI, and also the medical stuff.

*If FIL served in the military make sure he is signed up for Veterans Benefits.

*Any bills or such you pay for should be paid directly to the vendor and not money given to them.

*Maybe buying gift cards to the grocery store they use, or buying gift cards to the gas station that is close to them.

*All of the children should chip in whether it be by money or by helping out.

I don’t think that you and your family should have to pay for all of their poor choices.

I think you should help them from the outside…..there is no reason that they should live with you…..I think your children should come FIRST.

JMHO,
leezza

 

[Samigirl]

Wow...you're in between a rock and a hard place. I don't have any profound advice to give. I just wanted to say, I don't blame you for feeling a bit resentful. It would be frustrating to have worked so hard to make a solid financial future for yourselves, only to have it possibly undone by someone else's lack of planning. I feel for you.

 

[jamie79]

I would be very blunt also. Plus there are lots of low income senior apt type places they could live as so not to live with you. My mom lived in one. It was 30% of her s.s. It included all utilities except phone. The had laundry facilities, a nice club house with activities, a sort of a library etc. The apts and grounds were kept up nicely. My oldest sister lives in the same complex and my next oldest sister lives in another which is very nice too.

 

[frugalbabe]

Such a wealth of information! First of all thanks for not flaming me when I tell my IRL friends I get lots of "I would just tell them tough" which while tempting, real life is just more complicated than that.

Some of the details are: FIL has had to have knee replacement surgery and will have to have another one his job is physical so that is becoming hard for him. They are in a lot of debt and were counting on the sale of their business for their retirement but after 10 years of not selling it the best they will probably be able to do is auction off the equipment and walk away. Their house is mortgaged to the hilt. They bought into an internet "get rich quick scheme" one of those make money even while you sleep! Which we warned them about but they didn't listen. And to top it all off they still have a 30 year old son with bipolar disorder who lives at home. Can you say we have a lot of tough conversations heading our way? Oh yeah. Luckily dh and I are on the same page. We have given up all of the frills in our life to meet our goals quickly (no cable, traveling, eating out) I am just bracing myself I guess!

 

[perSue]

Stick to your guns - and your plans.
Say No!

Tell them that you have what you have FOR YOUR KIDS!
Not to bail them outta debt or trouble when the time comes, as it seems it has.

Just be forthright - but delicate - with them.

State that you can only do so much and feel you've done more than your share, but you have your priorities... YOUR kids and YOUR retirement/savings.

They'll need to look elsewhere.

 

[cissylu]

Stick to your guns - and your plans.
Say No!

Tell them that you have what you have FOR YOUR KIDS!
Not to bail them outta debt or trouble when the time comes, as it seems it has.

Just be forthright - but delicate - with them.

State that you can only do so much and feel you've done more than your share, but you have your priorities... YOUR kids and YOUR retirement/savings.

They'll need to look elsewhere.

yeah that! Also I`m sorry your having to go thru this.

 

[[email protected]]

*Any bills or such you pay for should be paid directly to the vendor and not money given to them.

Very, very important! :thumb:

You will have to be very blunt and be firm on your decisions of what you will and won't do.

You IL's are not broke. They have resources, though they are in debt. The same thing it took them to get into the debt they are in, is the same thing they will have to use to get them out. I feel (JMO) that you and your husband are being taken advantage of because you two earn a higher income.

I say don't fall for it. If they are smart enough to have a house and a business, they are smart enough to get themselves out of this mess they have created. While you and your husband don't want to see them homeless or hungry I believe they can find their own way out of the mess they have made.

You and your husband protect your family and make sure that you are financially stable and secure. You have to set up your own foundation for the future of your children and your retirement.

Help if you can, but with limits and stand by the limits you two set.

All the best.

 

[larabelle]

You IL's are not broke. They have resources, though they are in debt. The same thing it took them to get into the debt they are in, is the same thing they will have to use to get them out.

I totally agree. I also think that as long as you all are there to bail them out they will use you to do so. I think that when you make them realize that they need to do it for themselves then they will.

 

[frugalbabe]

You IL's are not broke. They have resources, though they are in debt. I believe they can find their own way out of the mess they have made.

Hmm something I hadn't really thought about. I have been itching to get a good detailed look at their financial records so I can get a better feel of the whole picture. I am a practical numbers driven person so I work better if I've got the facts. I think I have gotten so use to just hearing them lament how broke they are. I think its time to do a lot more research.

 

[Greebo]

I think if they're expecting you to take care of them, then you have every right to DEMAND to do a full financial review before they get a single penny of assistance.

 

[mommy4ever]

Since the technically owe you money, and are expecting you to care for them, you have every right to look at hte bills.

My brother(db2) was ill, and my older brother(db1) was being his financial support. Db1 noticed that he'd give Db2 money and there'd be new furniture, new something or other. The next time Db2 asked for money, Db1 asked what for, and where to send the money to, Db2 adn SIL were insulted and never asked again. They wanted things, but werent' willing to save or work for it. Db2 had MS and was very ill, so it was hard to say no, but there had to be a limit. You have a right to know where your money is going.

I'm sorry you're in this position, but there's still hope. It's a matter of looking everything over and presenting some options to them, and let them see the light.

If they are talking of selling, they need to get things together, and make it presentable as a viable business, not just haphazard sale. The house is mortgaged, it can be sold and paid off, and they move into lower cost housing. Obviously they have been taken advantage of, and it's time to take an active role in their financial matters if YOU are their retirement plan. You can salvage for them what they have. If it means setting upa trust fund to pay their rent, or mortgage on a retirement home, do so. Make it fool proof.

My parents are both into their 60's. I know their house if finally paid off(last year). My mom's health is poor. But dad is robust. Mom inherited everything my grandma had, when sMom sold her house she made $40,000 which she put in savings, plus the cash, antoher $40,000. Dad contracts, and he made a comment that he had to put $40000 into rrsp to avoid paying over that in taxes, so I know they are ok!!

MIL and FIL are doing good to. Mil is 58 and Fil is 63. She has a good retirement fund and is still working, fil has great investments, and is still working and likely will into his 70's though he may slow down before. They have watched his older sister and husband make bad choices. From having an early retirement, to being mortgaged tot he hilt. They've been taken by several scams. MIL and FIL are ever wary of scams.

 

[[email protected]]

Hmm something I hadn't really thought about. I have been itching to get a good detailed look at their financial records so I can get a better feel of the whole picture. I am a practical numbers driven person so I work better if I've got the facts. I think I have gotten so use to just hearing them lament how broke they are. I think its time to do a lot more research.

Exactly!

Think about it. They have a house that can be sold as someone has already mentioned and they can move into lower cost housing.

The have a business that can be sold. Tell your husband that since his father is not well to help to get it in order or prepare for sale the items your FIL says can be sold.

If your FIL is that ill he can apply for SSI or disability if he arranged it for himself.

Look around the house for things that can be sold on ebay or craigslist. Have a garage sale.

They have options, they just want you two to keep them in the lifestyle that they have become accustomed to. That's not you and your husband's job.

 

[Ebbie]

Your situation horrifies me. I don't know that I have advice to offer, but it horrifies me that parents would jeopardize their children's financial lives by not planning well for their own retirements. You have every right to be resentful...and I think I would be much more than you are. You used your entire savings to pay for surgery for FIL? Wiped out your savings completely??? I'm...horrified. It just doesn't ring fair to me for someone else to be reckless with their finances all their lives and then use the resources of others who HAVE been careful with money to finance their emergencies.

Really, there are no emergencies in life. People get sick, people lose jobs, people's water pipes burst. This is life and stuff happens! ALL of these possibilities should be planned for with enough financial resources to cover them. So I think your ILs joking that you are their retirement plan is deplorable.

Rather than investigating their finances and having the mindset that you're there to bail them out, why not tell them instead that you won't be able to help them financially so they'd better get their act together now. If they are in their 60s it's not too late. It's not like they're 95 or something. Maybe they just need a wake up call that they need to act like grownups and be responsbile for themselves and that they aren't going to be bailed out.

Sorry if that all seems harsh, if an opposing viewpoints helps, but I'm honestly outraged on your behalf and would just hate to see someone who has worked hard and managed their money lose it to bail out people who mismanaged their financial lives.