[Thevail]

Sorry guys, but I have got to let off some steam or I'm going to just lose it entirely!

14 years ago when DD was two her biological father decided that he "wasn't ready for all this kid stuff" and left. He even went so far ast to leave the state and get put on California general assistance so that the court ordered child support would have to be stopped.

A pain in the butt, but Oh well, at least he wasn't bringing his mental "issues" and general taste for drama into our lives on a weekly basis, so I figured it was worth it. DH and I got together a year or so later, and it's been smooth sailing, more or less, for 14 years.

She's always wanted to be adopted by DH and have his name, and he's always wanted to adopt her. But on the few occassions when I could even find the ex, he always said he would never sign the papers. And we've never had the kind of money that it takes to fight it in court. (best guesstimate about $8000)

Now suddenly the ex is trying to contact her through facebook. He wants to "get to know her". She's in hysterics because she doesn't know him. And she's terrified that DH will be upset at her because of the ex.

(DH has told her that he loves her and that he isn't going to stop just because of the ex contacting her etc, but she's still just freaked out)

DH is threatening to kill the guy in an alley for upsetting DD, and I'm left to do all the actual communicating back and forth. AAARGH!

Now the ex wants to "set conditions" for the adoption, that include renewing contact with the kid, but specifically excluding me from any meeting. He says DH is Ok. (I don't think it will be Ok at all...DH will beat the snot out of him, which I think is what he's hoping for then he can press charges for assault.)

Now I'm to the point of contemplating homicide as an acceptable alternative! Any good advice for me?

 

[forHISglory]

Oh my...... No advice, just a caution. Don't let DD be alone with him at all.

 

[stinkbug]

Does your dd WANT to get to know her father??? If not, can't she just delete him (whatever it is you do with people you don't want to contact you - from her facebook?)

I don't think your dh *killing him in an alley* is a very productive solution....

No one can "set conditions" on an adoption without legal actions and court rulings.

Maybe you should all contact an attorney and just calm down a bit....

BTDT.....really, you need legal advise. You need a thrid party to intervene and he will probably slink back into the pond he crawled out of....he is just trying to intimidate your family.

 

[pop goes the weasel]

Here a 13 year old can decide if they want any contact with the absent parent . When we got full custody osd her mother told her that if she came with us that she would never see her mother or talk to her again. Its been three years and she has kept her word along with no support. I agree to contact a lawyer. Good luck

 

[grainne15]

Yikes! Sounds like the ex wants something. Don't get sucked in.

Talk to a lawyer before you do anything else. You and DD are under no obligation to let him "get to know her."

If DD is upset and doesn't want to have contact, she doesn't have to. She's 15? 16? Old enough to decide for herself. She can block him on Facebook with no comments. You can tell him to pound sand. Absolutely agree with the commenter above that she does not meet him alone.

Your ex is her father by genetics only; your DH is her dad, who loves her and raised her, and that relationship matters FAR MORE than paperwork. I know this; my then-widowed mom married my (step)father when I was 8. Never adopted me or my brother (with our agreement, due to finances) - but he is absolutely my father.

Best of luck!

 

[Thevail]

The hardest thing is that now the whole family is just so upset.

DD and DH are absolutely clinging to each other, united against what they see as a common enemy, which is fine. DD said quote " I don't want to get to know him! I don't need another dad, I have one!"

Unlike me, she's a peaceable little soul. She hates conflict and emotional drama. And allof this is upsetting her.

The ex just doesn't understand that while he feels like he "has nothing to lose" she feels like she's poised to have him "ruin it all".

It's hard to believe that anyone could think that they are a good parent and doing the responsible thing, when they say "once my conditions are met. I will then feel free to see to the child's needs."

But the whole reality of parenting is that you attend to their needs whether it's convenient for you, as the parent, or not.

Honestly the guy makes me sooo crazy.

Time to lawyer up!

 

[frugalwarrior]

It doesn't seem to me your ex. is considering what would be good for his DD. Does this give anyone any hints at future behavior. Love is about renewable contracts? Maybe i'm old fashioned (probably) but why is he sneaking around on facebook instead of being straight forward and tallking to you.

 

[diana1096]

If it was me, I would tell him to have fun with his delusions and get a lawyer.
He walked out on her when she was two, hasn't paid a lick in child support, lives in another state?, and most of all she doesn't want contact. Relax, take a deep breathe and call a lawyer. :hugz:

 

[mauimagic]

prayer is always good :rose:

What about contacting Family Services? Does your state have anything like that?

Don't see how he can just waltz back in and expect anything. Seems like he really wants to stir things up - and he's succeeding. Please don't give him any power.

Take care - breathe deeply and hug each other.

 

[LastDragonfly]

Since she is a minor she can block him thru facebook. I know she doesnt want to make him mad because it would hurt her chances with the adoption.

Can she be assertive enough to contact her bio-dad and tell him that she will trust him only if he puts no conditions on the adoption....Then after the adoption she can tell him to get lost.

I know it sounds mean, but this man is NOT concerned with what is best and HAS BEEN BEST for her. And he wants to be big bad dad now?

I guess she could demand from him all his child support. lol wonder if he'd run away from her then?

I don't know, but I do know that you all are hurting....I'm sorry.

 

[Thevail]

I think the worst part is that he doesn't get it. But then he never did, so I don't know why I would expect anything different.

And the other bad thing is that dealing with him is really turning me into a very nasty person. Honestly, two conversations with the guy and I find myself being just the most mean, vindictive, spiteful person. I'm not normally like that with anyone, even people I don't like. but the guy is just a red flag to the bull for me.

It makes it that much harder to deal with anything effectively.

 

[Debbie-cat]

First I would have her block him on facebook.

Second, next time you talk to him, tell him you want back child support since he left (that will scare the begeebers out of him).

Third, contact a lawyer

Sorry, your daughter and your family has to go through with this crap. He obviously wants something. Just beware and play things safe. :hug2:

 

[cab54]

I think the worst part is that he doesn't get it. But then he never did, so I don't know why I would expect anything different.

And the other bad thing is that dealing with him is really turning me into a very nasty person. Honestly, two conversations with the guy and I find myself being just the most mean, vindictive, spiteful person. I'm not normally like that with anyone, even people I don't like. but the guy is just a red flag to the bull for me.

It makes it that much harder to deal with anything effectively.

You are not vindictive and spiteful. You are just a mother lioness protecting her young. It'll bring out the claws on you.

Debbicat, I LOVE your idea of telling him you want the back child support he owes you. That should send him running the other way.

 

[LynnLC]

You are not vindictive and spiteful. You are just a mother lioness protecting her young. It'll bring out the claws on you.

Debbicat, I LOVE your idea of telling him you want the back child support he owes you. That should send him running the other way.

AMEN! That should change his tune. What a sh%thead this guy is.