Well I have been sitting here all morning looking at the computer and trying to decide whether to unload on you guys or not. If you have read my prayer request under April you know that I have been in a terrible mess - brought on by my stupidity - for quite some time. I have gotten so scared of this guy now that I am barely able to function anymore. I now know what truly terrified is.
Yesterday, I took the day off and went to the house that I am trying to get ready to rent out to do a little cleaning, some painting etc. I was there alone and so, so scared. I had made it until 1:00 when I hear someone beating the front door. I am in the basement painting with the sliding glass door and its broken lock. No safety there. I went upstairs and looked thru the peep hole and it was him and he was pounding the door. I just lost it. I jerked the door open and told him to leave me alone. yada, yada, yada. He went crazy, told me he loved me, I was his, etc. It was terrible. I literally begged him to go away and leave me alone, told him I didn't want to be around people, just anything to try and get him to go away. He got pissed, real pissed and told me that he would get me, dd and SO. That my life would be miserable, that he would not leave me alone, etc.
I shut the door and called a girl friend. I was completely hysterical. She got to me in about 10 minutes and I had to tell her everything. Everything about the affair, about all the years of stalking, everything. God bless her, she still stood by me. I told her I was afraid of SO and what he might do to me, etc. and then I decided I just did not care anymore. He could put me out on the street that day with the clothes on my back, I was going to tell him everything. I was sick and tired of being scared of both of them all the time. I woke up scared and went to sleep scared. My dd stayed with her and I told so the whole ugly story. It was terrible. He did go to the stalker and tell him to leave me alone, lots of angry words, I got called everything imaginable by the stalker and then we went to the police - they can't do anything until the guy actually hurts me - can you believe it. So it ended with SO following me home so that I wasn't killed on the way and now him and I are barely speaking. He told me I could stay at the farm but that we are basically finished. We now exist only for dd's sake. I can't say that I blame him but in the back of my mind, I still think that if he had been loving and decent to me, maybe this would have never happed. He is so cold and distant. He does not ever hold me, or kiss me or anything else. He never says he loves me or anything, he just cares for dd.
There I said it. It looks even worse when typed out. I am probably in more danger from the stalker now than ever. I am dead inside and can't even muster up enough strength to care. I have no idea what I will do, other than continue to watch for the stalker and to stay in my part of the house and away from SO as much as I can. I am just numb right now and I appreciate your letting me unload. I hope your opinion of me is not to terrible, my opinion of me is.
Yesterday, I took the day off and went to the house that I am trying to get ready to rent out to do a little cleaning, some painting etc. I was there alone and so, so scared. I had made it until 1:00 when I hear someone beating the front door. I am in the basement painting with the sliding glass door and its broken lock. No safety there. I went upstairs and looked thru the peep hole and it was him and he was pounding the door. I just lost it. I jerked the door open and told him to leave me alone. yada, yada, yada. He went crazy, told me he loved me, I was his, etc. It was terrible. I literally begged him to go away and leave me alone, told him I didn't want to be around people, just anything to try and get him to go away. He got pissed, real pissed and told me that he would get me, dd and SO. That my life would be miserable, that he would not leave me alone, etc.
I shut the door and called a girl friend. I was completely hysterical. She got to me in about 10 minutes and I had to tell her everything. Everything about the affair, about all the years of stalking, everything. God bless her, she still stood by me. I told her I was afraid of SO and what he might do to me, etc. and then I decided I just did not care anymore. He could put me out on the street that day with the clothes on my back, I was going to tell him everything. I was sick and tired of being scared of both of them all the time. I woke up scared and went to sleep scared. My dd stayed with her and I told so the whole ugly story. It was terrible. He did go to the stalker and tell him to leave me alone, lots of angry words, I got called everything imaginable by the stalker and then we went to the police - they can't do anything until the guy actually hurts me - can you believe it. So it ended with SO following me home so that I wasn't killed on the way and now him and I are barely speaking. He told me I could stay at the farm but that we are basically finished. We now exist only for dd's sake. I can't say that I blame him but in the back of my mind, I still think that if he had been loving and decent to me, maybe this would have never happed. He is so cold and distant. He does not ever hold me, or kiss me or anything else. He never says he loves me or anything, he just cares for dd.
There I said it. It looks even worse when typed out. I am probably in more danger from the stalker now than ever. I am dead inside and can't even muster up enough strength to care. I have no idea what I will do, other than continue to watch for the stalker and to stay in my part of the house and away from SO as much as I can. I am just numb right now and I appreciate your letting me unload. I hope your opinion of me is not to terrible, my opinion of me is.
