[ansley]

My MIL lost her job not long before the economy whet downhill. She lives with her SO and he is a tightwad. So, I talked to DH about paying family to keep the dc instead of non-family. My oldest was starting to have problems at the DC they were going to anyway and it was a good time for a change.

Up until this summer MIL has kept the DC at our house with daycare pay and hrs, no cleaning. I have asked her to watch the lo when I took DD to dance once a week. She keeps the dc at her house now of her own choice because she is keeping 3 other grandchildren and a family friend's baby. This week my 9yod told me that MIL is saying that I am a liar and a bad parent in front of her. I really couldn't care less about what she thinks of me but to say that in front of my children. It also didn't help that yesterday her SO let my 3yo outside by himself. When I got to him he was in the driveway. The neighborhood isn't bad but it isn't good and the driveway is no place for a 3yo without adult supervision.

I don't want to put DH in the middle especially since MIL keeping the kids was my idea. What should I do? Forget it, confront MIL or tell DH and let him handle it?

 

[Greebo]

I don't want to put DH in the middle especially since MIL keeping the kids was my idea. What should I do? Forget it, confront MIL or tell DH and let him handle it?

Right now you're in a hearsay situation - you only know what DC *says* MIL says about you. I would not immediately assume that all is as DC says it is - don't jump to any conclusions.

I think first you have DC tell you exactly what MIL said, with DH present. Get his take on it.

 

[Ceashels]

Get the children out of that situation. You found your 3 yr old unattended in a driveway. Your 9yr old is telling you that you are being bad mouthed in front of him.

If you do nothing what will they learn from the experience?

You don't need to make a big stink over it. Your husband does not need to be in the middle though in my opinion there are serious issues.

Just let your MIL know that you have made other arrangements for your kids for better socialization or what ever. If she asks for more of a reason let her know calmly what you have found and what your 9 yr old is telling you. And you no longer feel it is an appropriate setting for your children.

 

[Mom23boys]

As soon as you posted that you found your 3 year old in the driveway unattended, my first reaction was to scream! What if MIL's SO would have gotten into his car and backed up over your child? What if someone would have come along and kidnapped your child? What if your child would have wondered into the street and was hit by a passerby? I know these are only "what if's" but it is something to thing about. Did you inform MIL or her SO that when you pulled up your child was in the driveway unattended? I would have asked for an explanation right then. Apparently she is supervising too many children if she is not able to attend to everyone of their whereabouts. Did you inform DH of your findings? I do not think it is a safe situation, but this is just my opinion.

I would talk to your DH and inform him of what you have discovered - the 3 year old outside, alone and your 9 year old hearing your MIL saying things about you. Let DH talk to the 9 year old without you this way the 9 year old will be able to tell DH what she heard without upsetting you and without input or interruptions from you. If you are like me, if you hear it again, you are bound to get upset. This is why it is better if DH talks to your child alone.

I would honestly start looking for another child care provider.

 

[ansley]

I like the idea of having DH talk to DD without me.

I had an online friend that lost her son to something like what you described, Mom23boys. Our boys would have been the same age. Yes, after I made sure all was okay I said a prayer for her.

FWIW, from past experience DD is a lot more reliable than MIL.

 

[Greebo]

Wow.

I totally missed the 3yo in the drive.

Yeah get them the **** out of there!

 

[nodmicks]

I wouldn't leave my children anywhere they let a 3 year old out alone.

You just got excellent advice above!

 

[AmyBoz]

The safety of your children is the #1 priority. Find another daycare situation immediately. We had an in-home daycare provider for dd and then for ds1 when he was a baby. The mom just kinda lost it and the second we felt something weird was going on (the kids weren't in danger, but she suddenly didn't feel reliable) we pulled ds1 right out. You can't mess around with safety. The 3 yr old unattended is a greater concern to me than the badmouthing. Deal with safety first, then you can discuss the badmouthing.

 

[mek42]

Good luck!

 

[bumplett]

I tend to agree with the above advice.

I wouldn't worry too much about the 'hearsay', but if you are positive that the SO wasn't watching your 3 yr old, that's an issue.

Are you positive that the SO wasn't in the doorway? Or around the corner?

It does sound like your MIL may have too many kids at the moment. State laws require she be licensed at a point, and she'll have a ratio..... she's no different than a daycare, regardless of who's kids she's watching....

If I were in your situation, I would find another reliable daycare option, and simply comment that you were looking for some place with more age appropriate activities, etc. Or that you want your 3 yr old to get to know the kids he'll go to pre-k with - (any excuse that's non confrontational, because she'll always be your MIL)

But I wouldn't touch the 'bad mouthing' issue - you have no way of knowing if it's true - and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter if it is. Let that one go.

good luck with whatever you decide. :toothy:

 

[happymomof4]

I tend to agree with the above advice.

I wouldn't worry too much about the 'hearsay', but if you are positive that the SO wasn't watching your 3 yr old, that's an issue.

Are you positive that the SO wasn't in the doorway? Or around the corner?

It does sound like your MIL may have too many kids at the moment. State laws require she be licensed at a point, and she'll have a ratio..... she's no different than a daycare, regardless of who's kids she's watching....

If I were in your situation, I would find another reliable daycare option, and simply comment that you were looking for some place with more age appropriate activities, etc. Or that you want your 3 yr old to get to know the kids he'll go to pre-k with - (any excuse that's non confrontational, because she'll always be your MIL)

But I wouldn't touch the 'bad mouthing' issue - you have no way of knowing if it's true - and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter if it is. Let that one go.

good luck with whatever you decide. :toothy:

When you are watching family the ratio is different for most state ran daycares. But I would also be careful about her watching other kids in your house. If she wasn't watching your 3 yr old. What if something happens to another kid and you get a lawsuite against your homeowners insurance.

Most insurance companies require you to tell them that you are babysitting other children in your home state license or not. Your liability for your insurance will go up. If you mil is getting paid from other people besides yourself to watch kids you could have a much bigger problem then her mouth.

If you rent your home most leases say you can't run a daycare out of the home. Read the lease.

 

[2ndGenGranola]

The 3 y/o in the driveway is the deal breaker - big time. Get them out ASAP. The child saying that MIL is talking about you isn't too good either. Our kid's counselor said kids don't just make stuff up like that (although at that age they can parrot something from TV).

 

[ansley]

I was in the back room getting the kids stuff when I heard the front door open. I took it for granted that Step FIL, sitting right by the door, wouldn't let 3yo out by himself but I went straight to the front room and asked step FIL if 3yo went out. He said, "Yep, I think he is ready to go". Of course I went straight out and got him.

When DH talked to MIL she said that people talk about homeschooling (HS) but don't actually do it. She said that the reason they were on the subject was because one of the nephews had to go to summer school if he wanted to go to the next grade. Note: nephew is not HS. DH and I have been kicking around the idea of HS, we had not told MIL, because even though the public school is a good school DD has fallen thru the cracks and no one wants to admit it and get her the help she needs.

MIL has been quizzing DD and comparing her to my niece that is the same age as DD. Niece is in the honors program and very few people get in. I am happy for her but I don't want it used to make my child feel stupid. DD is really good at math but in a few days time MIL and Niece (parroting MIL I’m sure) had her convinced she was bad at it. That is a whole other rant.

Daycares are full right now but they usually have a few opening when school starts back.