[pkellyc]

My youngest 20 year old, unmarried, DD, announced in December that she is pregnant and keeping the baby. I know they are adults and have to make their own mistakes but I am so stressed out! I can't help but feel that I did not instill something. I am not happy and I am having a hard time getting excited at this point even though I just love children.
She also is having some complications and can not lift over 20 lbs. or stand on her feet more than 1 hour. Her job has cut her hours to nothing and is pressuring her to take a leave of absence. So it looks like she will be living at home for awhile after the baby is born. Her SO does want to marry her but I am not encouraging it, they are so young, and are not financially stable. I think they should wait until after the baby is born and she is at least back to work. It is going to take both their incomes and for them to get by. Not to mention whats going to happen with her going to school.
So now she is stessed out on how she is going to afford everything for the baby and I tell her not to worry that my DH and I will make sure the baby has what it needs. I am stressed out because I have seen others try and live together in this situation and seldom does it seem to work out without everyone concerned miserable. She already is by the way, irritable and unappreciative of anything so far. So there it is my sad tale. Has anyone been here? Any advice spiritually or financially? I really could use some at this point.
Estimated arrival date August 11.

 

[Neeley]

I was 19 and DH was 20 when we got prego w/DD. We were not married, both in college, living with our parents, part-time job for both. Needless to say it was not the ideal situation. I stayed sick throughout the pregnancy, had to quit work by the fifth month, spent a week in the ICU unit of labor and delivery, developed some complications and had to have her induced early. Luckily, my health insurance covered everything.

At first I was not wanting to get married, but he did. My parents were fine with whatever decision we made. DH and I decided on a Wednesday (about the time I was six months along) we wanted to get married and the next day we drove up to Tennessee, got married and had a nice few days togther in the mountains. My mom helped DH get a job with a law firm as a runner. He worked eight to five M-F, went to college from six to ten M-Thur, also had a lawn service and cut grass Fridays from five till dark and sun up to sun down Saturdays and Sundays. We bought a house two months before DD was born. It was a fixer upper and did not get to move in for five months, instead we were married but he lived with his parents and I lived with mine.

DH worked his two jobs and went to college full-time until after DS was born and he had gotten his Bachelors degree. He then got a job in his field, still cut grass, and got his Masters degree. He passed his CPA exam, and finally gave up the yard business.

I continued in college as well for a couple of more years. I finally quit college my junior year. I realized I was never going to be a working woman. I loved being home with my kids too much. It was a waste for me to continue going to school. I do not regret the decision to quit college at all. DH and I had over $47K in student loans and my college adventure was a waste. For him it has more than paid off several fold.

Financially it was not the easiest thing, but we had a few blessings along the way. First, we received $25k around the time DD was 6 months old from an accident I was in when I was prego w/her (the reason I had been in ICU). Second, my dad is very generous. He decided to pay me not to go to work. Every month he sent me a check for $350. His reasoning was that he had paid that amount to my mom for years (child support) and he would not miss the money. He called it grand-child support. My mom always brought us groceries, atleast once a month she would come with bags and bags whether we needed it or not. Our pediatrician's nurse is my mom's best friend so she gave us all of the formula we needed from her detail rep. Because of all of this we never had a need for WIC or any other assistance program. Had we needed it, I would have used it though. We always had health insurance coverage through DH's employer as well.

We are still married, very happy, financially stable...could not ask for anything more. DH has made a success of himself because of his hard work and determination for many years in the begining. He takes great care of me. I am not able to do a lot because of illness. He does laundry, scrubs toilets, vacuums, brings me my meds etc...He is a great dad, always coaching our kid's teams, never missing any event, helping with their schooling etc...DD is about to turn 14 and DS is 11. One thing that made a huge difference for us was total support from our families. No one was critical (well one uncle was a total jerk) and everyone offered all the help and support in the world. We had babysitters when we were at school, grandparents(they have 6 grandparents) and great grandparents (they have 10 living great grandparents) always bringing new clothes and diapers and lots of love.

It can be done. It is not going to be the easiest thing, but no marriage is a piece of cake and raising kids is the hardest job. One of DH's clients gave him this advice right before DD was born "The two hardest years of my life were the first years I was married and the first year I was a dad. If you can make it through them both happening in the same year, you can make it through anything." It was the truth.

 

[Neeley]

WOW - sorry that was so long.

 

[AprilP]

I got pregnant at 15. I have three beautiful kids. I'm not saying it wasn't hard, believe me, IT WAS, heck, it still is sometimes.

But truthfully, if I had it to do over again? Would I change my decisions and possibly not have them? NO. I am shocked over and over and the strength of the love I have for my babies.

As long as she is a smart cookie and has parents that love her and support her, no matter how much they think she's screwing up, things will turn out OK.

Don't worry. (Well, you're a mom, so you will worry no matter what, but you know what I mean) It'll work out for the best. And just think about the sweetie-pie grandbaby. OOOOh, can't you just kiss their little faces off?

 

[pita1213]

i am another one that had children young. was i 19 when i got pregnant with ds. we had the added excitement of my mother having uterine cancer. i was in college and eventually dropped out, buti think it really wasn't for me and i would have stopped going even if i didn't get pregnant. we lived with my folks for a little over a year, then moved out on our own into a little studio apartment. things were very difficult money wise. i was working as many hours as i could and dh had 2 jobs for a while. mom helped out with daycare. she paid 1/2 we paid the other 1/2. then i got pregnant with dd. by that time i was elligable for insurance through work and once that got worked out the medical stuff was taken careof. we used wic for about 6 or so months. helped out a lot. dh was going to school and worked. then worked 2 jobs with better pay. my folks helped out with stuff and his mom helped out too. things like clothes for the kids, extra groceries, etc. we have been married for 10 years this past valentine's day and have a happy little family. things were tough early on, and i know it wasn't what my mom would have liked for me at the time, but things happen for a reason, and i know she's glad the kids are here. i made sure i told her not too long ago how much we appreicated all that she and my dad did for us early on, and that it helped us a lot.

i'm sure my mom had the feelings of where did i go wrong, or didn't i teach her better? let me tell ya, you did nothing wrong, and it's not a matter of didn't i instill something in her. you did your job of raising your dd and i'm sure you did a great job. as far as her being irritable, it's probably the stress and hormones. hopefully that will level out and she'll see how supportive you are trying to be and she'll appreciate what you are trying to help her with.
continue to be supportive and help where ever you feel comfortable helping. :hug2: it took a while for my mom to get adjusted to a grandchild coming along. so don't feel too bad about not being jumping for joy excited.

 

[Mamaw]

Somehow things always have a way of working out. Do not think that you did anything wrong in raising your daughter. Sometimes things just happen! And once they are a certain age, they make their own decisions. The only thing you can do is provide her with as much love and support as you possibly can. Voice your concerns to her but remember it is her decision how to proceed and her responsibility. Of course you will help all you can! Most of all, enjoy that new little one! Grandchildren are a blessing and a joy every day, no matter when or how they are born. enjoy them!

 

[paintedsky]

I think you should support her to an extent but I honestly don't think coddling her will help her mature and be responsible. Case in point someone I know who has a daughter older than me, STILL living at home (because her mom seemed to spoil her when she was younger) I would say around 25 at LEAST but under 30 and she seems more irresponsible. Like for instance she always asks her mom to "borrow" money. I'm not talking occasionally but constantly (her mom has a pretty high paying profession that I work with) as I think she's grown used to it as well as her mom paying her bills. She as well seemed very UNAPPRECIATIVE by her tone of voice.

This is just coming though from by angle as someone who's 21 going on 22 though. I think if I had my mom spoil me I would be alot more dependent on other people and I think in the end that does more damage than good. I actually moved out for about a year but my mom relies on me more than I do her so the only reason I moved back was to help her (even though I like living here less). I pay HER money and probably will continue to give her a little even when I move out monthly. I pay my own cell phone bills, food bill for 3 (includes mom and younger brother), etc. and have still managed to save a bit of money. I just think it would be good for her to toughen out a little and learn from consequences. I see people with kids that can't afford kids but since their parents help pay anyway they have more. That is just my opinion though and I don't want to sound too harsh. Whatever is decided though you should be supportive (whether it be by emotional or physical needs) to your full extent but you should not let yourself stress out over it too much. It is something your daughter will need to deal with, with her boyfriend. A step up is always better than a handout.

 

[pkellyc]

Thank you for the replies. Inspirational and I hope DD decides to read some of your success stories. They make me feel better, hopefully they will do the same for her. We hear so many bad things I can't tell how wonderful it is to here some good things.

I am not all that confident that her SO will be of much help, it's not that he is a bad person, he just seems like such a kid to me. I guess all I can do is pray for them, the baby, and pray for help in keeping my big fat mouth shut! So far so good but I will tell you it's just about killing me some days. I have met with his mother and it seems she has the same problem, maybe I should pray for her mouth too?

Thanks, I really do feel better.

 

[pkellyc]

Paintedsky,
I really am trying to be tougher and sometimes I am quite the push over. She is a little spoiled and I do not think she knows what she is in for. I have told both of them that no matter what they decide about living arrangements their goal will be to move out on their own. They want it and so do we. They have been told that they will be exclusively responsible for the baby's physical care, and all the baby's expenses. We have not decided if they should pay room and board or how much. I feel that if they look like they are making an honest effort to do right maybe we should let them slide on that one. My DH disagrees. So we are not quite fined tuned yet but we are working on it.
We will help them, but I agree giving them everything can handicap them.

 

[paintedsky]

I have seen some younger mothers that are very mature I just wanted to add with a really cute baby and both the so and themselves are responsible. Maybe in time both your daughter and her SO will learn to mature. Sometimes it does make them grow up faster but I've also seen the opposite where I work where there mother is always with them and they yell at their babies because they can't handle it. I always see a lot of younger pregnant girls at work and the ones who seem to carry themselves well are always the ones with a dependable SO on hand for support instead of their parents. Sometimes hardship can really make you grow from what I see at work and I've seen some younger couples look very professional for their age. I think if you are capable enough to bring a child into the world you should be able to handle raising the child as well. Either way though I'm sure you'll enjoy seeing the child when it comes I'm sure she's already stressing enough by herself so I don't think you should stress too much about it and just think about the cute baby in the future instead.

If their living with you I would just make them pay a slight rent maybe 50-100 a month depending on how much they make. And then maybe you can save it and in the end if they really need it or for your grandchilds future education I would give it to them at the appropriate time. Just giving them shelter would be a big help to them I'm sure. This would teach them a bit responsibility and frugality as well and I'm sure they would appreciate it in the end.

 

[Michelle68]

I was 18 when I became pregnant, 19 when I had DD. I actually didn't get ANY help from her father, but instead got a lot of emotional support from his friend who eventually became my DH. It won't be easy. My mom couldn't help me financially, but did let me move home while I was pregnant. I was working, but did not have health insurance at the time so, at first, I tried to pay my on way with an OB-GYN. Unfortunately, the became too expensive so I received services through the city clinics and actually was taken care of very well. I could not get Medicaid because I was still working and did not qualify, but I was able to get on Medicaid after DD was born for at least about 3 months until I went back to work. I do not know if I was particularly mature at that time, but let me tell you, I did grow up pretty fast. All arrangements (financial, medical, etc.) had to made by me since her father decided he didn't want to be in the picture. I didn't file for child support and basically did it pretty much all on my own. The point I'm trying to make is you did not do anything wrong. People (especially young ones) make mistakes, the key is learning to take responsibility for what has happened. It's not ideal for your grandchild to be born without the benefit of marriage and to parents so young, but it's not the end of the world. It has happened many, many times throughout the ages to very good kids who end up making very good parents. I believe that though you should be supportive of your DD, make sure that she understands that now she is really a grown-up. She should take responsibility for making arrangements for her care and the care of her little one and also for all aspects of raising her child. That's what grown-ups and good parents do. No, it's not easy but that's what parenthood is all about. Have her look into any social services that are offered, if she's having difficulty with the financial aspect. There are many out there. Hopefully, she'll have her SO to help out, but if not, your emotional support and love will be all that more important to her. Good luck to both your DD and her SO and to your new grandchild-to-be.


--Michelle

 

[krissyre]

Adding another voice to the chorus...

I was 21 when I got pregnant with my son, 22 when I became a mom. In my 5th month of pregnancy, I was put on bedrest, and 12 weeks later (once my FMLA time was exhausted), I lost my job. My husband and I had planned to wait and get married after the baby was born, but ended up getting married when I was 7 months pregnant, just to make sure that I could be covered under his health insurance for the remainder of the pregnancy. I had so many reservations about motherhood, wifehood, etc.... I cannot even imagine how worried my mother must have been.

But not only are my husband and I still happily together (with another two kids added to the mix), that unplanned pregnancy gave me a direction in my life that I would not have had otherwise. Like many young people, I was pretty self-absorbed -- living in the moment, not worrying about my future. I didn't have firm goals, I went through money like water (and I'm still paying for those mistakes! Imagine still paying for meals I ate and vacations I took TEN YEARS AGO... but I digress...), and I had no motivation. Now I have a direction and a focus. I have my priorities in check. I cannot imagine when or how that would have happened if my son had not come along. He's been the making of me.

Your daugher will undoubtedly need all of the love and support that you can give her for the next little while. But hopefully she can look back and find that this was the best thing that ever happened to her.

And --- CONGRATULATIONS to both of you!!

 

[pkellyc]

Thank you for all your replies. I am getting a little excited now that we know the gender. She is having a bouncing baby boy!

 

[favesis37]

i was 17 and still in high school when i found out i was expecting, we got married and kept the baby, now 28 years later we are still together. it was hard, but looking back i would not change anything. my daughter was 18 when she got pregnant, now at 23 she has 3 kids, is an awesome mom and holds down 2 jobs, she got married after the first one was born and has struggled alot. as a grandmom, i think you will get excited, at least i did, after the shock wore off, you always want better for your kids and it hurts when those sights get lost. good luck and you can pm me if you want to talk.

 

[Michelle68]

Thank you for all your replies. I am getting a little excited now that we know the gender. She is having a bouncing baby boy!

Congratulations!!:tedblue:


--Michelle