[Rhiamon]

My husband and I are separating, I am leaving the home once DD is done school at the end of June. We have had problems on and off for years and have done marriage counseling and things change for a while but always go back to the same. He doesn't take are financial situation seriously and we have started fighting all the time and even in front of DD. He also never follows through on what he says there are other issues that I really don't want to get into but there is a lot.
I don't like who I am becoming and I don't want to end up hating him. I am hoping that a separation will force him to grow up and learn to follow through on what he says and mean what he says. I told him that six months a year down the road if he decides he wants to work on it and shows that things have changed that I am willing to try again but we are going to start of slowly. Or it could be that all the things that have been happening are his way of showing he doesn't want to be with me.
I am scared I have never been on my own. My big question is how many of you have reconciled after a separation and how did you know the other person was serious about changing?

 

[Contrary Housewife]

I wish I could help you. I separated from my last partner for a short period and found I really was happier on my own and did not want to go back to the way things were. It had been coming for a long time. Like you, we did not agree on finances, and a lot of other things.

Don't be afraid of being on your own. You are a grown woman who has raised a child, run a household and held a marriage together for how many years? You will find new friends and new strength within yourself. You deserve to be happy and financially stable and respected for what you bring to a partnership.

Good luck with whatever path you choose.

 

[ktsmama]

I have not reconciled, ended up in divorce.

I just wanted to tell you good luck and we are here if you need us.

 

[fernykins]

I have been seperated 3 times now have been married 23 years. This last time was the last straw for me. I was hospitlized for a week and he never came to see me and when I got home He said I was faking it...... I wish. We've been seperated almost 4 years now. I won't get a divorce. He had a massive stroke. His life style did it to him. He's still doing the same stuff. You would have throught he would have learned. I'm happier with out him.
Fern

 

[marjorie]

My ex and I seperated and went back. That led to me in labor trying to find a ride to the hospital while he was on a date...

 

[tigo]

I seperated from my ex and even remarried him (twice). I thought things might change, that he might grow up. It didn't happen for us. I went on with my life after the last divorce (kind of couldn't reconcile - he gf was pregnant at that point). I decided to focus on the kids and myself. It ws tough at first because I had put so much of myself into the marriage. Now, things in my life are as I wish they had always been (we're talking 15 years after last divorce). Only advice I have is be tender with yourself and your child.

 

[ladykemma2]

i wanted to reconcile. he was a sex addict on his 3rd relapse. the reason i stayed is because the 12 step programs and counselors suggested that i stay and work on myself, which i did. I got better. he did indeed get many consecutive years of clear behavior. his relapses were every five years. 4 years of happiness and peace, one year of disintegration and eventual relapse.

after the 3rd relapse which involved an affair, i had had enough. he had crossed a bottom line for me, which was acting out with other people and endangering my health. there was now a clear pattern/cycle to his behavior and i was not going to stick around for a 4th relapse in another 5 years. too many gray hairs, too much heart ache. we discussed reconciliation, but friends, therapist and i agreed that he would only stay clean for 5 years, a slow disintegration of his recovery, acting out, then back to the mental hospital he would go. no more.

i still loved the man he was when he wasn't in his addiction. i had to see him this past week. my heart ached for him but my mind had to rule the situation. no more.

i do best when i don't see him at all.

he said he was working on growing up.

 

[emily_hope]

My seperation ended in divorce and turned out to be the best thing for me. It wasn't an east road being on my own with two small children, but it was worth it. I found myself along the way.

 

[Landscape25]

Maybe if you pray about it, God will change him. Leaving most likely won't make him who you need him to be and God wouldn't want you to leave. You could also pray that God will give you strength to get through it. I hope things get better.

"For with God nothing shall be impossible." Luke1:37

 

[Debbie-cat]

Mine ended in divorce and I had never been on my own either. It turned out to be the best thing ever. I really found out who I was, what I was capable of and did just fine. You will too.

We are here for you. :hugz:

 

[frugal is fun]

I separated from my husband for 18 months, reconciled, had a baby, and left again 2 1/2 years later. We are now divorced for just barely a year and I still don't know if I did the right thing. We were married for 11 years.

I still carry a tremendous amount of guilt for leaving. Everyone and every situation is different. I suggest getting yourself counseling. That is the one thing I did do right.

 

[justpeachy92]

Shortly after our 3rd year of marriage my dh and I seperated. We were seperated almost a year. We were able to work things out, we just celebrated our 17th anniversay last weekend. I can honestly say that alot of the faults I had with him when we seperated are still there, however I am greatful that we had that time to grow and decide what things really mattered to us.

 

[jlaporte]

i can say i am here for you too. i am in same boat. with the 3 kids ptsd and every thing else we have been threw its been hard. i wanted/still do want a seperation. i did "run a way" for 10 days. it was heaven i stayed with a friend. left no forward number nothing just went. well once i made sure everything was sorted here with the kids. i had a a wonderful time. i got to sleep and cry and really rest. needless to say i am back home now missing being gone but i know i needed to be away. while gone he really got off his ass and pulled some stuff together and i was surprised he did. while im still guarded i am trying. i am lucky cuz he isnt a physically abusive sob he is a hard worker but along our 12 yrs her forgot me and i forgot myself while i was so busy trying to get attention from him. but i know no wi dont need it. i worry about what i need and do what i need to. so far so good. he even took me to the beach for a long walk..we have never done that. so in my way of thinking geting away with no conttact is a really good thing it can set things back on track or at least help u see the light no matter how small at the end of the tunnel. will we stay together who knows but i know either way i can make it just fine.

 

[sunshine]

We separated. . . got counseling. .. reconciled and are still together. We separated 10 years ago, been married 27 1/2 years.

 

[lauraashley2006]

My husband and I just went through this actually. About a year ago, I decided I just wasnt happy with my life. I had almost everything I wanted out of life, I just wasnt happy. We separated in Jan of this year and I moved out. I then moved back in in Feb bc he wanted me to and I felt horribly guilty. So I staying here till May of this year. Then finally he decided that if i wasnt happy with him, that he wanted me to be happy without him. So he pretty much gave me his blessing for a divorce because he said he was tired of being uncomfortable in his own house. So again I moved out. For a couple weeks it was wonderful, then real life set in and I had this great realization. I realized that life wasnt as wonderful without him. it took a while for us. WE had to do ALOT ALOT ALOT of talking, which is what we needed, bc for almost a year we didnt talk at all. Now i have moved back in, and we both have decided that we are not looking at the past, but towards the future. I am very lucky bc i have a wonderful husband. he is also my best friend and our families get along. I really hope things work out for you. They did for us, but our number 1 thing was communication. Once we lost that everything went down hill. Now that we have it back, its great. For me personally, I needed to figure out on my own just how wonderful my husband is bc I dont think i ever fully realized it till recently. I would do alot of praying if i were you. Ill pray for you also. I beleive my mil praying for us as much as she did is one of the reasons we made it. best of luck to you.

 

[nodmicks]

I separated from my first husband several times before we divorced. I'm sure glad it worked out that way too because I sure appreciate my current dh of 16 years all the more.

 

[Rhiamon]

Well we have been separated for 2 months now. I am renting a granny suite from my mom. I have had to go on social assistance to be able to support DD and me. I have my good days and the days where all I want to do is cry. I must say though that I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I am not so stressed out about him coming home and everything else that was going on. I even saved some money to take an online course to put towards medical transcription certificate, so I can eventually get off the system and support DD and I. DD is doing better as well her behavior has changed and her tantrums are less which is nice. I feel like I am getting control over my life. I don't have to ask for money to go by groceries; large sums of money aren't disappearing from my bank account. I don't have to ask to go out, not that I really went anywhere any ways.
We are still going to go to couple therapy down the road but right now I need to figure things out for myself.
Thanks for all your support guys. It is still a struggle we have been together since I was 16, and I have my days where I am scared about being a single mother but I really feel this is the best thing for us right now.

 

[Twinkle]

I didn't go back. I knew he would not change.

 

[EmilyD]

Thank you for sharing and thank you for this post. It was very timely for me.

We decided to separate Mon. He is supposed to be out by Sat. I already have plans for his room (my guest room/office/exercise room.

This is our second time. First time was in Jan of 2004. I went back basically cause I was scared. This time I decided HE was going, not me. Our house (we were renting in 2004) was obtained thru my military service in a senior park where he is not "old enough" yet to live in. I am disabled (not receiving any money) on vo-rehab now.

He has not changed, I have only gotten worse. I am pleased right now. We will see but I am not betting on a reconcile and this thread has just reinforced that for me.