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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ladies,

Never in my life did I think I would be asking this question...maybe I am just naive...

How did you know when it was time to end your marriage, or at least seperate?

DH and I have been having some problems lately...I suspect it's something I should have seen coming, but love is blind and all that :dunce: I feel more like I am his mother or caretaker than his wife. I pay the bills, take care of the cats & the house, work full time, blah blah blah. It has gotten worse since we moved to lexington. He did almost nothing for the 1st 6 months we were living down here. He would make dinner, and that was about it. He knew we were hurting for $$ and he would still stay up late playing Madden then not take substitute teaching jobs because "he was too tired". Now that he has a full time teaching job it's like he can only have one responsibility at a time and now it's teaching. If he were single, he would have to take care of so much stuff it would probably overwhelm him, but in our present situation, he knows that I'll quit nagging him and take care of it eventually. I am no longer attracted to him because I no longer see us as partners in this marriage. I really, really, really, want to have children (always have :( ) but now I am scared that I won't be able to do it by myself, but I don't think he'll be much help with that either. To top it off, now that we live in Lexington, I don't have much of a support system here. I have great people that I work with but I haven't made many other friends besides them. I feel like the only time I'm not angry any more is if I am back in NE ohio with my family, curled up with one of the cats, or at my scrapbooking table.

I truly feel like I am at my wits end...It's crazy too, when I step back and look at it more objectively...He has never mistreated me, I know he loves me but I also think he's still a child in a lot of ways. :couch: I don't know what to do and would appreciate any advice! :smhelp:
 

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Oh, wow, honey. That is a tough one. My ex did mistreat me, so it was pretty easy to figure out that the time to leave had come and gone.

I am assuming that you have talked with him about how you feel. It must be very difficult to feel like a caregiver instead of a partner. Perhaps marraige counseling would be helpful. I will tell you from experience that ultimatums, on the off-chance that they work at all, only fix the problem temporarily.

Communication is very key. If you don't have that, you don't have much. We all feel misunderstood from time to time, but when it is all the time instead of occasional, then it is serious. As for the issue with children, before I got pregnant with my youngest, I knew that in all likelihood I would be raising her without help, and I was ok with that. If you choose to have children, be aware that may be the case.

The only major piece of advice I have is this. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life how things are now? The here and now is the status quo and is how things will more than likely remain. If you choose to stay, you are accepting things how they are, and you have to decide to be happy with that, not just endure it. If it is something that ou can resign yourself to and be ok with because you love you husband, then your relationship can be strong. But he is what he is and you won't be able to change this permanently.

You shouldn't have to do it all alone, Miranda. Marraige should be a partnership, not a babysitting job. Only you can know what is in your heart and whether or not you can make this work.
 

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Talk to him first. Men don't always know what we are thinking and feeling. Sometimes it is a shock to them that a situation exists. If after talking anothing happens then maybe you should consider it.
 

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I would recommend counseling, and think LONG and HARD before you have any children with this man if the counseling does not produce some changes. I think many men were raised seeing their mothers take care of almost everything, and they expect their wives to do the same. My DH has always worked, and so have I. He has been a great partner in raising our daughter, she never had outside childcare, we just have always worked opposite shifts. But when it comes to work being done around the house, DH will mow the grass, and EVERYTHING else is my responsibility, the bills, the shopping, the cooking, cleaning, laundry, gift buying, you name it. I just love him for what he is, and am glad to be his wife. Since he agreed to let me work less than full-time, I feel more comfortable with the division of household chores. When I was working 50+ hours a week and doing everything at home, there was growing resentment.
 

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I agree with what Karen said above. I hope it all works out for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I think what started as growing resentment has permeated every aspect of our relationship...He knows how I feel about parts of it but I don't think he grasps the severity of my feelings, which is my fault...We have a counciling session scheduled for next week...hopefully this will get some of these issues out on the table. {the counciling was scheduled by me so we can discuss how to better communicate over disagreements...we have completely different ways of approaching conflict - a big part of the reason he doesn't know exactly how i feel. Hopefully this will really help.}

I appreciate the thoughtful answers, everyone. Thanks for the support!:smooch:
 

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Miranda, I'm sorry you're hurting, but I think you've made the best choice, given the situation. Counseling saves many marriages...and it can also reveal when and if there are truly irreconciable differences.

My only advice would be to very directly tell the therapist and your husband that you have considered leaving the marriage. They both need to know upfront how serious this is to you and how unhappy you are.
 

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I think that you have taken a really wise step Miranda. If things do not work out, you will at least know that you did all you could, you didn't just give up. And you never know, once your husband knows the severity of your feelings, he may come around. I agree with Cele -- you MUST let them know you are thinking of leaving. If you leave that out to spare hurt feelings, you are leaving out the one thing that tells the therapist and your husband how truly serious you are.

Big hugs.
 

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I am sorry that you are having problems. I hope and pray that things will all work out in the end!
 

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I agree with the others above, you need to communicate during counseling, you've hit a stage where the honeymoon is over, you've moved, it does sound like he's suffering a bit of depression and all of this added together is a huge burden. Hopefully the counselor can help you both, be honest and also listen during the session.

I've been there, there CAN be a turn around in a situation like this, communication is the key.

kj
 

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For me the signs were pretty clear- I was happy to go to work and dreaded coming home. I would sneak out early on weekends (mostly volunteering at the soup kitchen) and stay gone all day just to avoid being in the same house as him. And sex- forget it, I couldn't stand him. The reasons are complicated and had been going on for years. I had a health scare (thought my cancer had come back) and that's when it hit me that life is too short to be that miserable. He wouldn't try counselling and now I go on my own. No regrets here but it is different for each person/couple.
 

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with my first ex, i was glad to see him leave... he was like an annoying anchor around my neck... very negative, lazy person... i even had champagne the day i went to court! :D
with my dh now, he is soooo wonderful... he raised my dd as his own, we had a ds together and he is an awesome man!...
like togo said, everyone is different... counseling is wonderful... and communication is the key...
remember we are all here for you if you need us...
 

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My hubby and I at one time decided to divorce. He had a drinking problem and a very negetive attitude, we still loved each other...but I told him I could not stand by and watch him destroy himself in front of me. He became very ill shortly after this and ended up in the hospital for a 14 day stay, he almost died from pancreatitis. I think fate stepped in and told him he can no longer drink and from that day forward he hasn't had a sip, it has been 1 year and 10 months. His attitude has also changed and I think he realized just how much I do love him. He is now trying to quit smoking, he has changed all for the better. I agree with laying your cards on the table, he probably doesn't understand how serious you are. I also work part time and do most all of the housework, this is kind of our deal and it makes me happy. I can't imagine working a full shift every day and coming home to a second job, while he sits on his butt. I really hope counseling will help you, good luck to you and men really can change...I just think he needs a wake up call.
 

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Miranda my dear, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Replace Madden with World of Warcraft and you have my situation pegged perfectly. My ex-husband couldn't even feed the cat, let alone feed himself -- thank your lucky stars at least your man will cook dinner! :p My ex-husband and I were constantly battling over what he did (or didn't) do and what I was forced to do. I could tell you stories that I am sure would sound so familiar it would frighten you.

I agree with everyone else -- try councelling (sp?) first. My ex-husband and I didn't try it but he was a very ignorant, bull-headed man who refused to believe there was even the remotest possibility that he was wrong, and to this day he thinks I am the bad one for leaving him -- he thinks I'm a selfish bitch who abandoned him and ran off to be with someone else (so not the case). I was fortuneate to have the support of a wonderful best friend who loved me and wanted only the best for me, be it with our without my ex-husband. That best friend turned into my :smooch: who is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. (And no, I didn't leave my ex-husband for :smooch: and no, we weren't having an affair before I left my husband. We were friends, but nothing more.)

Go with the councelling first and formost. With my ex-husband, I knew it was time to leave about a year before I did leave him. At that time though, he was diagnosed with bipolar and he asked me to stay and see what it was like to be with him while he was on medication. He promised he'd change. It didn't happen, but I am glad I stayed the year I did -- now he can't say, "You didn't even try". So do what YOU can to try to make it work. Then at least you cannot leave him room to blame you if the end does come.

PM me anytime, I'd be happy to talk to you about it.
 

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OMG my ex was the same way. Loves the video games and can't take care of himself. I knew shortly after having dd1 that my marriage was going downhill. He just did many selfish things and always blamed me for everything. I was so blind that my therapist had to point out to me that he was mentally abusive. He thinks that therapy is crap and he would never be caught dead in therapy. He is such a LOSER.
Anyway I agree with the others that maybe start with therapy.

I felt like I was stuck because I had very low self esteem and thought I couldn't take care of myself. I then got pregnant with dd2 and that's when I knew it was at it's end. As I lay at the hospital after having a c-section he was home playing video games so he couldn't come to the hospital to visit with us. He was pissed that he had to take care of his daughter. He is just a selfish person and I totally was seeing him in a different light and I didn't like the person he was. I found out a few days before Thanksgiving from a mutual friend that he was going to leave. He didn't even tell me himself until I confronted him. Even to this day he is so selfabsorbed and he has the poor me attitude that makes me want to throwup everytime I see him.

I wish you luck. And big :hugz:
 

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With me my ex put all his animals before me and the 3 boys......... I was cleaning aptsments to pay the rent. He was giving me 20.00 a week to feed 4 people....... With this husband (21 years) I'm seperated from him. OPne of the last straws was when I came home from the hospital from almost dying and complaining that I didn't wash his clothes for him........ plus I was faking be sick....... I wish..... Try consuling (sp)......... It might help..........
Fern
 
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