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Discussion Starter #1
I am not a person who has a lot of friends, just two or three very close ones. I am more than comfortable with that as I have social anxiety and more often than not prefer the comfort of my home over going out and socializing. I have a friend who I have been close to for over 15 years - I care for her but the relationship has always been somewhat stressful. I have come to realize that she is very self-centred, and I am often walking on eggshells in the relationship as she is easily offended. She calls often, not to chat but to ask for favours - to be driven somewhere, to have me babysit, to paint her home (yes, really), etc. She recently asked me to care for her kids for two weeks this summer while she and her husband go on a vacation. I said I would consider it, but when it became clear she wanted me to come to her home for the entire two weeks I said they would have to come and stay at my house as I also have a family and other commitments. She was visibly annoyed and I didn't hear from her again for quite some time. She got angry with me yesterday as I didn't respond to an attention-seeking Facebook post and it was the last straw. I realized that I tense up every time my phone rings or I get a text and it is because I don't want to deal with her. I have decided that I need to end this friendship as it is toxic to my well-being. She will be livid so it will be an all or nothing situation. I talked to my husband and he says he has also had enough of her and was just waiting for me to come to that conclusion in my own time. I can't describe the weight that has been lifted from my shoulders in the span of one day - this tells me it is the right decision. I think it is cowardly to send her an email but I know she will cut me off as soon as she gets the gist of the conversation and I need her to understand what is happening and why. I am a little sad as we have had good times in the (long) past, and it is always sad that a friendship can't be salvaged. Just wondering if anyone has had similar experiences or if there is something I have missed? Thanks for reading!
 

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Almost exactly. My friend had a bunch of sisters so even after 15 yrs. I felt I was a going out to lunch convienence or information booth. It seemed like she was always trying to compete w/ me and to be better in everything. This just confused me because I dont veiw that as friendship. She was very emotionally cold and very literal about things. Super smart but socially diff. The friendship ended when she said it was none of my business that my Ds was going into the service. I was very sad that day and worried which i indicated to her. She told me he was a grownup now and what he did wasnt my business. It hit me wrong. Family is always your business. I said ok we are done. And she says I'll call you. So I said no,thats ok. and walked out. No one called the other and that was 2 1/2 yrs. ago. almost 3. I sat in shock that i wasnt sad about it. That I realized everytime I got together w/ her I felt bad about myself and life even though I didnt before that.That it took almost a whole day to shake it off. And that she wasnt ever supportive. Then I started to get happy and smile,felt a weight lifted off. So curious,right? Things like-I paid off my mortgage and was so happy I told her. So she says right away "well we would have but we had to refinance to pay for 3 kids college". Not wow thats great,I'm happy for you. But like right away back to herself. Not about you dear,be happy for me like when you told me you went back to school. I didnt say "well,I would but we have medical debt!. People can be weird. I always felt like she thought it was a favor to be friends with me.
IDK I've always been a natural loner so i always think its me. Some people are toxic though.
 

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It doesn't sound like a good friend, and it would make sense to end the friendship. But I'm not really sure why you need her to understand the whats and whys. Isn't it just as good to let it trickle away? It sounds like you already are moving away from her, couldn't you just continue on that path instead of risking a scene?
 

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I agree with Gaja that I'm not sure you need her to understand why you're done with the relationship. If she asks for specifics then yes, I'd say that while in the past you felt the relationship was of a mutual benefit to both you've realized that you've become more of someone she only contacts when she needs something and you need more than that from a friendship.

Just back away slowly or if you feel uncomfortable with that continue answering her calls / texts etc but when she asks for something just say "oh sorry, no, I have plans" or something of that nature. Eventually she'll realize she's getting nowhere with you and she'll probably back away herself at that point. But yes, it is hard to let a friendship end but true friends stick by and are there for you whether it benefits them or not. This person doesn't sound like she's filling that need for you.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thanks for the replies, they are much appreciated! To answer your question, I feel if I am not very clear with her, because she is so self-absorbed, in a week she will call me again to ask for another favour and I will be back where I started. I want a clean break, with no unanswered questions. This is what I need to do for me, so there are no loose ends. I hope that explains it :)
 

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Ahh yes that does make sense. It'll be tough but sounds like letting the friendship go will be for the best.
 

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Thanks for the replies, they are much appreciated! To answer your question, I feel if I am not very clear with her, because she is so self-absorbed, in a week she will call me again to ask for another favour and I will be back where I started. I want a clean break, with no unanswered questions. This is what I need to do for me, so there are no loose ends. I hope that explains it :)
You would be wise to let it be. If she calls again for another favour, just politely say no. She may call repeatedly for a while but, again, politely say no...that you are busy with your own family, etc. Over time, she will stop bothering you. Then it is her that severed the relationship and you won't have to deal with repercussions from what you write to her.
 

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Anything you write to her will give her a chance to pick you apart. She can forward it, or repost & try to make you look bad. Especially of she likes getting attention over social media. I would either speak to her in person, or do as others said & just let it go & be unavailable to her.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I see your point. We have no mutual friends, so this doesn't really worry me. I was thinking of something simple and to the point, but very clear. Just to make it plain that I can't continue being her friend, I can't offer what she is looking for, I wish her well but prefer there be no further contact. No "you did this" or "I don't like that". I know some of her family, and they would rightly side with her whether she trashed me to them or not.
 

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pretty sure it wont turn out like that but best of luck. I didnt offer explanations or ask questions. People change and each may value the relationship differently.
 

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Sometimes a friendship just comes apart. I had a close friend for years. Every time we made a plan to get together or dinner, lunch, whatever she would call at last minute and ask to change to another day. It usually never mattered to me so i would say ok. Well the last time we made a dinner date she changed the date 6 times in a row. It got to be a joke when the phone would ring when it was time to meet her. Final straw was i sat in a parking lot waiting and she never showed up or called. I just figured that she had more important things to do so I wished her well in my mind and that was it. I do miss her but it isnt worth the negativity to contact her. I always hope she has a good life.

If its not right for you then just stop the friendship. although i dont think i would call it a friendship. Life is too short.
 

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Anything you write to her will give her a chance to pick you apart. She can forward it, or repost & try to make you look bad. Especially of she likes getting attention over social media. I would either speak to her in person, or do as others said & just let it go & be unavailable to her.
Exactly. I'm with the just drop it and never be available to do her bidding. Once you've told her no enough she's going to move on. She might after a couple times let you know verbally that she's mad but me.. I'd drop it.
I don't understand either why you need to tell her why. She's definitely going to blast you if you go that route.
Whatever you decide hugs. I know it's not easy. Been there and done that. I just let it die a natural death with I'm busy or let the phone ring over and over. If I did answer I didn't talk much and got off with some excuse after a little bit.
 
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I would sent a succinct email with the points you have made here, it's harder to twist the cold hard truth when it's written to you rather than spoken. Maybe this will be a wake up call to her and she will have improved relationships with other friends. You, however, won't be one of them. her behavior is bad enough to warrant the opportunity to have the last word. Then take no calls or what not from her.

I have to say I cannot believe the 2 weeks of babysitting at her house seemed reasonable to her. She has issues
 

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Do not let her intimidate you and walk all over you.....she has some nerve asking you to watch her children for two weeks AT HER HOME....you got to be kidding me....you owe her NOTHING....she is using you!!!! Just stop being available.....don't answer the phone or react to her fb posting.....she is a user.....she is NOT your friend....sounds harsh but btdt....
 

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A good way to adjudge if someone is truly a friend is this.

When you are with them, do you feel drained of energy? Is the room slightly emptier when they walk in?

OR

When you are with them, do you feel energised, inspired and happy?

Sometimes to cut through all the white noise its best to go back to first principles and ask: "What is friendship?". Get a piece of paper and write down what your expectations are of friendship. Then compare your points to the person you are having trouble with. Do they fit your criteria?

If no, then they were never a friend in the first place, just an acquaintance.
 

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Sounds to me like the friendship is toxic and it would be better for you to distance yourself. It also seems that she is kind of "using" you in a way and making you feel bad if you turn her down or say no, you should never feel obligated because you are her friend to do things that you dont want to, that pertains to every relationship. I.E. Friend, husband, boyfriend, etc.

Stand your ground and maybe just distance yourself and see how that goes but I guess I would like to ask if you have ever spoken to her about her self-centeredness or atleast how you feel about and the friendship in general?
 

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good one.. a wise person once told me that you should surround yourself by people that give you positive energy, and fire those that sucks the life out of you. you are on the right track. it's a bit selfish way to live.. but it's a mantra that ensure that you live happy.
 
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