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Discussion Starter #1
How many of you guys have family members that call like every time they need money, like you are the bank of everywhere?
I am putting my beautiful daughter Danielle through college, and my youngest son, and they are always needing all kinds of help which is OK, because they are just getting started in life as adults, and I dont mind at all helping them. They are both hard working wonderful young adults, and I can never say enough about how hard they work, and how wonderful they have been their entire life. So, there's a bunch of money going out, but like I said, that's OK and they deserve it.
Now, I have a 30 year old son that has never worked a day in his life, has been in a lot of trouble with the police, been in prison, burned his head out on drugs to the point that he couldn't hold down a job if his life depended on it.
He lives with his mother, and they are just alike. Both like to drink, do drugs, wont work, just pretty much worthless people.
But everytime their car breaks down, or they run out of money, my son calls me, and ask's for money, and always rells me he will pay me back when he has never paid me back for anything in his entire life.
The last time he called ( 2 weeks ago ) he wanted 200 dollars because their car was broke down, and while we were on the phone, I could hear his mother in the background saying, " tell him we need money for cigarettes and beer too".
Just hearing her say that made me want to jump through the phone and choke her! She has been a worthless drunk since I left her years ago, and by the way, that is why I left her. I hate drunks!
So hearing that, I didn't send any money, but now I feel guilty and I dont know why.
I tried to get my son to go to college, I bought him several cars, got him several jobs, and bailed him out of jail several times. I tried to help him everyway possible up to the point that he got on hard drugs, and went to prison, after that I just gave up trying to save him.
So would you feel guilty about not sending money? I guess I just need you guys to help me feel better about this because I am tired of him calling me for money when I know it is for him and his mothers drugs, booze and cigarette habits.
 

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He is an adult. He made his own bed. It is not your responsibility any more to help him financially. Don't be an enabler!! Sorry you have to go through this.
 

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Mom and dad have enough because dad worked every day.
Dbro lost his job because of industry changes and Dsil wasn't working-he never asked me for money.
My Dh had a horrible accident but I never asked any of them for money.
We really don't believe in it. Food yes,advise yes but not enabling.
Maybe I'd pay for a councelor?
 

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He made his bed; now he's got to lay in. I would tell him the hand outs are over and it's time to grow up and act like man. Tough love!
 

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Caller i.d., don't pick up the calls, listen to the voicemails, delete voicemails. If you do want to talk, set boundaries. "I'll be happy to talk to you about how your job hunting efforts have been going but if all you are going to talk about is money I am really busy right now."

The closest I get to being asked for money is the casual comments about "Ya I really wanted to get xyz but I didn't have the money." I then chime in "oh I know, those are so cool, but ya I can't get one either." I deflect any attempts at people trying to get money. Even something as casual as "We should do lunch, oh I forgot my wallet" doesn't work with me. I simply offer to reschedule. *yes I am mean and a tightwad and don't care*

My oldest daughter and her dad (my ex) have quite the money racket going on with each other. One or the other always owes money to the other one and its always a big deal, such a mess. I don't want that in my relationship with my daughters. Since they have become adults I have not directly given either of them money. I have bought gifts, things for the new grandbaby that I wanted to get her, taken either of my daughters to lunch, etc. but I don't directly give money.
 
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I'd say you've done your duty to help your oldest son grow up. At 30, he should have gotten his act together already. Handing him money has not proven effective in the past, why should this time be any different? We're starting to see some trends with some of our kids that make us uneasy, so I'm preaching to myself too. If your son was asking for food money, I could see taking over groceries maybe, but I'd never hand him cash. Any other bills he needed help with, if I decided to take care of it, I'd get the address and send the check directly to whoever it was for. We've done that with our oldest child who mismanaged her money and got behind on rent.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I would love to simply tell him to go get a job, but he fried his brain so bad with meth, he is incapable of working, same for his mother. I am not making excuses for them, just letting you know, neither one of them will ever work.
They live in a shack in Oklahoma, with no running water, and how they take showers is beyond me!
I do agree that they have both made their own bed, so it is what it is. I dont even like being around them because they are not the kind of people I associate with, and I am very uncomfortable just being around them!
He gets some kind of disability and I think he gets around 700 dollars a month. But with nothing but an electric bill, you would think they could buy food and do OK on that.
Why would people smoke, drink, and do drugs when they are on such a limited income, just stupid I guess! Like the old saying, there's just no fixing stupid!
 

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Is there someone overseeing your son's situation, such as a case worker? I don't know how Oklahoma handles cases where the person is an adult, but it sounds like he needs somebody besides his mom 'taking care' of his finances. Not sayin' it needs to be you! Somebody local and less emotionally attached would be better. If he's that brain-fried, has be been, or can he be, declared incompetent to care for himself? In that case, the state would be forced to intervene, I would think. Not a pleasant prospect, but it might be best for his protection.
 

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hugs mr. fix it u are in a bad place... no guilt.... if he would agree to it would u be willing to help him with a rehab place....but it throwing money in a blackhole
 

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hugs mr. fix it u are in a bad place... no guilt.... if he would agree to it would u be willing to help him with a rehab place....but it throwing money in a blackhole

I'm afraid the problem with Rehab is it only works if the person wants to get well. It sounds like this young man doesn't want help, or is no longer able to rationally make choices.
 

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I have a cousin like this. They always have money for pills, alcohol, and cigarettes, but never for food, gas, etc. She has tried this weekend to borrow money from me and I evaded that. I don't like when people do that to me. Especially, when I let you know I am low on money, but you still want me to drive 30 miles to do you a favor that I am getting nothing for.
 

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I have a cousin like this. They always have money for pills, alcohol, and cigarettes, but never for food, gas, etc. She has tried this weekend to borrow money from me and I evaded that. I don't like when people do that to me. Especially, when I let you know I am low on money, but you still want me to drive 30 miles to do you a favor that I am getting nothing for.

Many years ago, when I only had one kid, my cousin's wife would either call or come over and talk about being broke. Only after they moved away, leaving my uncle to deal with the fallout of angry neighbors and friends they'd sent the kids around to to beg for money, did I realize she hitting me up for cash too! Sometimes being dumb and ignorant is not such a bad thing! Honestly, they had more new crap(tvs music equipment, ect, than us..never mind we didn't WANT a tv or that other stuff.. but anyway..My pat answer for those sorts of requests is, "We're barely scraping by ourselves. What's spare money?!?"
 

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but now I feel guilty and I dont know why.
Tough love can be hard. Your guilt is just part of parenting.......but know that you are doing what MUST BE DONE......for good or bad.

Don't be an enabler.......

No family here that borrows..........but HAD a friend that would HINT and you were expected to pick up on the hint.....and the friendship was based on how much and when you "gave" her money........you would never get it back. MANIPULATOR!!!

I have no trouble saying "no".........I try not to borrow (and use a bank when I need to) and don't "loan".......
 

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Sounds to me like so far your son has never had any real problems.

Because you keep taking them away from him by giving him money, making them YOUR problems.

You need to establish boundaries and let him become his own problem. That includes letting him suffer from having fried his own brain, I'm afraid.
 

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Know someone who is always complaining about someone borrowing money from her. She does not realize that part of it is her own fault for constantly giving them money.

It isn't easy but you do need to put your foot down. If he is just making 700 on disability he probably is eligible for many other types of aid.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Well he and his mother have always been manipulators. He was a manipulator at an early age, and got worse as he got older. Before he got on drugs, it was apparent to me that he thought he could manipulate all of the people in his life so he didn't have to work, and that always infuriated me because I have worked my rear off all of my life and do not understand people like that.
Before he got in trouble and went to prison, he lived with his grandmother for a year, and he manipulated her out of money until we made him move out. So in my humble opinion, he is not a very good person because of that. I mean when you manipulate an 85 year old women that doesn't have much money herself, you are just a sorry person!
I do just need to quit answering the phone, because if I do not talk to him, maybe I wont feel so guilty. I really do feel sorry for him, but he has used me up like a jar of cheap mustard! I am tired of him always wanting money, but then theres the guilt~
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Sounds to me like so far your son has never had any real problems.

Because you keep taking them away from him by giving him money, making them YOUR problems.

You need to establish boundaries and let him become his own problem. That includes letting him suffer from having fried his own brain, I'm afraid.
Oh he has had a lot of problems, because there has been many times he didn't even have a phone to call me on. He has lead a terrible life, but it's all his own doing. He is living the life he chose!
He calls me about every 3 to 6 months wanting money, usually around 2 or 3 hundered dollars, but like i said before, to hear his mother in tha background reminding him that they need cigarette and booze money just peee'd me off big time!
How can you be pee'd off and guilty at the same time, be a parent!
 

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It's one thing to struggle and need money to eat, but QUITE another to need it for cigarettes and bail money. I mean the least a person can do in life is follow the flippin' law!

I leave money out of my personal relationships. To me, money is nothing more than a means of survival, and is nothing compared to the love of family and friends. When someone wants to give me money its usually out of guilt, but that's their problem, not mine. I don't ask for it, I don't expect it, and am perfectly happy being poor so nobody expects it from me. This is why I never play the lottery- its not worth it.

It sounds like your DS needs some tough love... time for him to grow up. But if he gets a job, stays out of jail, quits drugs, something tells me things will work out. But nobody can do those things for him other than himself.
 

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How can you be pee'd off and guilty at the same time, be a parent!
You summed it up pretty good up above. It is so hard to watch them fall and have to live with their mistakes, but you have to do what you have to do. :hugs: BTW, it would have pee'd me off to hear that too. It makes you realize she is using her own son to use you to get money for HER!!
 

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Have you flat out told your son that you will not be giving him any more money regardless of what he says/does/have happen?
 
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