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Hubby has a large family, but he mostly connects with his older brother, his wife, hubby's cousin and her husband. We reconnected about six months ago and we are at the point where we don't want to interact with them anymore. Anything good that happens to us means little comments come our way that we are rich, etc. I just took a new job with a promotion which means more money, but I have to commute 45 minutes back and forth home. So, we traded in my SUV for a new car, newest car I ever had, and ever since his cousin, who I talked to daily, won't talk to me anymore. Since Christmas, which was materialistically nice for our kiddos and ourselves, they've been fairly rude to me. I've kept my mouth shut and have ignored it, but today I made the decision to stop trying. My husband and my sister tell me that is the right thing to do, but it just hurts to have gotten so close and to be thrown away because financially we are doing better. We aren't throwing it anyone's faces, but I worked hard for my master's degree to be able to make a good living. I'm looking for a 2nd job as an online professor to help pay some debt we have and afford some things for my kids. Both the cousin and my sister in law choose not to work. My husband and I both work. I think part of it is that the cousin has dropped hints that she needed help with bills this month, and I didn't offer anything. I won't either. She didn't pay us back last time and she expects a lot of people to help her out financially. I just needed to get this out.
 

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If they're able to work, but don't choose to do so, then they shouldn't expect others to pay for their existence. Don't feel guilty about not wanting to be with them. They sound like they are petty and selfish and lazy. If they want their bills paid, then they can earn the money to do it. You've worked hard and are continuing to work hard to provide for your family. That's something to be proud of.
 

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You're not their cash cow, nor do you have any obligation to hang out at their level. I know how tough it can be when family gets jealous and petty, and I'm sorry you're going through this stress. Sounds like you have the right idea about handling it, though- let their issues with YOUR lifestyle YOU work so hard to have be just that- their issues. They sound rather toxic!
 

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It's a bummer when people let their jealousy get in the way of relationships. There's always going to be someone who's doing better than you, why not be happy for them? Hopefully your cousin will come around.
 

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She could get a degree and work.
But maybe not. Each of us is born with a cognitive ability to learn. The USA average IQ is 98, we are 9th in the world. Some nations are significantly lower, in the 80s & 90s. And some are higher, some East Asia nations average 106. And then there are regions within nations - in the USA, Mississippi is at the low end, Mass is at the top. And a larger difference is the person-to-person dispersion. Often the uneducated person will claim that they had no chance, no money, the instructor hated them, yada. That's a partial truth, but in truth, no amount of money/time would allow them to earn your masters degree, the cognitive ability simply isn't there.
 

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You are not their SUGAR MAMA...they need to grow up!
 

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There's so many factors involved in this. First could be simply education. I don't know his family's education level. No education usually sometimes cannot even see the many things you do in order to increase income or decrease expenses. Some poorer people will only come up with envy response when shown a wealthier lifestyle. But, these are the small things you can point out to his family that might get a positive response as you are trying to be helpful. Other thing to do is NEVER discuss money NOR any spending, vacations, toys or vacations in their presence. Just plan some get togethers with shared food and something else involved like ball game, movie, weekend at lake.

I'm sure you made a lot of sacrifices to this point, especially if your kids are now in teens. It is a sacrifice to choose to remain at home with the kids at least until the kids are in elementary school. But, this is a family value and so worthwhile. Staying at home past the time the kids go to school unless they home school or they have a special needs kid is another family choice but I don't really think it worth stirring up an argument to mention.

And oh GAWD, the constant loan requests over and over. I've SO been there myself with the friends who are worse off, especially when the babies showed up. I even got a friend a job where I worked and it wasn't good enough and I'd worked that job 4 years at that point...Yes, some people bought a house and rented it to family. Yes, some bought family an older car to get around. Yes, some paid the utility bills. Yes, some even got their family a better job but for some mental functioning or educational reasons, the family member was not able to perform and fired or quit the work. Then, there are all the other family members on his/your side who will want to ask you for the same later possibly with "That's not fair ____ got so much help."...I think you might just step back here and see how things progress for the family who currently have their hand out so you have a good handle on what the long-term problem is for the family and try to solve this .

I found the best friendships to be among my high performing friends from childhood and the ones from college as we have about the same lifestyle, employment and education. I'm the poor one as my health landed me on the disability check in my 30s. But, I'm still able to self support to live independently most of time, however now doing some caregiving for sick relative while I dug out from under medical bills from 2 surgeries on Medicare only.
 

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It's my understanding that a good amount of the middle class appearances were faked by a better off family member supporting their children well into adulthood meaning paying for - some college training of some kind, bought them a house to rent to them, supplied running vehicles, frequently helped with bills, food, clothing...This was only way some of the better off middle class could get their children out of the family nest. Of course, poorer just have 4+ people in every bedroom...

Does your family only have 1-2 people who aren't doing well and rest are successful? If it's just one bad off family, it is possible to help if the others family are never told anything in order to keep the insults away.

But eventually it does come down to some kind of additional education or you got the family members a job...And the family member is capable of doing that work. The mental problems, social harassment are not obvious and frequently not discussed if a person leaves a job for these reasons.
 

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It's likely you could start arranging low cost get-togethers for swims, game night, ball games or weekend at late, whole time it's just snide comments about being broke and a hand out whining. I'm sorry you have to deal with the husband's feeling here...But I think you might find yourself too busy with work for a long while after you have a couple of these kind of get-togethers plus husband feeling guilty for not doing more...Best option at that point is trying to find some free educational options for his family or other employment connections. Then avoid them until you are invited by them to do something...
 

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That's definitely unfortunate.

However, if you are at the point that you are going to end the relationship anyway...

Have you tried direct communication with them instead of speculating on what's going on? Have you ever said to them straight out, I feel like you have become more distant with us this year and I'd like to understand why. Can you tell us what is going on?

I'm a big believer in direct communication and shining a spotlight on poor behavior. It is much harder to make the snide comments, etc. when people are called out for it in a polite but firm way. But you also need to be prepared to listen to what they have to say and sometimes that means hearing some truths about ourselves that we don't like hearing.

But in the end, if you have tried improving the relationship and it hasn't worked out, then yes, cut your losses and move on.
 
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