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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't know what it is. I know that some of you know that I am on disability for mental health issues Complex PTSD, OCD, severe deppression, and that my husband and I seperated back in July, and that my daughter has severe ADHD, a LD, and moderete anxiety. As well I was helping care for my grandfather with Alzheimers. Grandpa is in a good care home now so I am not over there all the time(at my moms)
I don't know if it is just because I was on survival, and now things have started to level off some so I am seriously just taking every thing in now. But my insomnia is real bad right now. I am having real bad flashbacks. I cry at the drop of a hat.
I feel very alone with no support from family or friends. I have not picked up my school work since Christmas. I try but it is just not making sense when I read it. Not in the sense that I don't understand it but my brain is not processing it right now. I am going off of about 3-4 hours of sleep a night if I am lucky. My medication is not working for sleep. I have asked my mom and my sister if they would watch DD for a couple hours for me and they both laughed at me and said no. You know how hyper she is. Well no crap that I know!!!! I live with it everyday, I am lucky if she is asleep by 10 or 11. I was going to try and quit smoking but I don't know if it is a good idea right now because yes it is a dirty habbit and costs money but the last time I tried I was crying for 2 days straight. I don't drink eat out etc so that is my only habbit. But I always feel I have to explain why I smoke and am on disability. I even had someone look at me and go you look fine there is nothing wrong with you get off your ass and get a job.
I find myself calling my ex more and more for support. But I know nothing has changed. I asked him to go and talk to someone for support and to go to financial counseling. I have gone and he would not go with me when we were together. Then take things slow and try marriage counseling. I know logicaly that things have not really changed he still won't talk to me about things. He has asked to borrow money from me for gas to come see DD when he makes twice as much as I get, and he does not have to pay rent, grocries, internet, phone etc. We still fight all the time, he still has not accepted DD's disability. I have been having to deal with all the school stuff, appointments, paying for tutoring etc. But I am feeling so alone. I turn 31 next month and I feel like an udder failure in all areas of my life.
 

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You are not alone and you are not a failure. I think you are overwhelmed. While DD is at school, are you able to set yourself an hr of time just for you so you can regroup and breathe a little easier?
 

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I am shaking my head over your mom and sister. Wowza! I think that would bring me down the most-knowing that the people who should be there for you aren't, especially after all you have done for them with your grandpa. Perhaps drawing a line in the sand with them would be beneficial. I know it would for me.

But then, take what I say with a grain of salt, because I can be down right ornery!!!
 

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Hang in there girl. I agree with others that you are very much overwhelmed. I would also suggest taking some time off from school.
Please remember that we are here to listen.

Like nodmiks stated, it would be nice if we had a place to meet up with each other to lend support.

Take care and God Bless
 
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Anyone in your position would feel overwhelmed. You need YOU time. I'm sorry I'm not closer to help you.
As tired as the old saying is " this too shall pass". Things will not always be this hard. BIG HUGS
 

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I deal with mental health issues as well. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. One thing you need to remind yourself of is that mental illness is an ILLNESS - not a failure. Would you get mad at your body for not producing insulin if you had diabetes? Would you fault your lungs for not getting enough air if you had asthma? Would you get angry with your brain for not producing enough serotonin? Wait - that's what you are doing. :) Give yourself a break on this - overwhelming takes on a whole new level for people who suffer from anxiety and depression.

Are you under the care of a doctor for your issues? If you aren't on meds, please consider them - the right medication can be life-changing. While medication is not for everyone, it can be a God-sent gift if you are on the ones that are right for you. I seriously feel that medication saved my life when I was in my darkest place.

Hugs to you - it's so tough when things all pile up like this.
 

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Been there.

Hang in there, girl. Take it one day at a time. Set yourself small goals. Get through the week. Get through the month.

Men can be real pigs. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your kid.
 
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aww!! I just want to hug you!! Girlie, I hate that you are feeling so bad. Sometimes it does feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel when all you are trying to do is make it through yet another day.

If i were closer I would for sure watch your daughter so you could get a little sleep. I know when I dont get enough sleep all of my depression and anxiety problems are worse.

I wish I had some advice but I dont other than just hang in there and take it minute by minute. Take care of yourself. It is important.

As far as you smoking and being on disability it is noones business how you choose to spend your money. Dont you dare worry about what they are thinking. You will quit when you are ready to and not until then.

And people thinking that nothing is wrong with you because they cant see it, is awful. I would never ever wish any kind of mental health issues on anyone. Shame on people for judging!!

Big ol hugs to you. I am truly sorry that you are having such a tough time.
 
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Am so glad that you shared what's going on with you. It's not always easy to put the words down in written form.

As you can tell, no one here considers you a failure of any kind. I see you as being totally overwhelmed and in the depths of despair - all with valid reasons definitely....and they are all being dumped on you at once.

As was said before - take one manageable thing at a time, that's all - even if that means getting out of bed in the morning and getting dressed for the day. No value judgements allowed - by anyone - including you.

IMHO - your mother and sister are worthless selfish people. You will find your own support system. It may not be today or tomorrow, but you will find it - and the relationships you develop will be meaningful and you will be around others who value you as the wonderful person you are.

Please keep writing to us; I think it will help everyone.

Am sending aloha, hugs and prayers your way!!
 
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I am so sorry you are going through so much and your family is no help. Keep your head up, stay strong and take time out for you when your DD is in school to help you re group. Sending you blessings and hugs. I will pray that you feel better soon.
 
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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thank you everyone so much for the support, it really means more to me then I think I could ever explain.
I have been crying yet again tonight over little things. I spilled my tea and you would have thought with the way I cried that my dog just died. DD made it to bed and asleep by 10 tonight. I have tried to go to sleep but am up and down. Last night it was 3 hours.
I am on medication and thank goodness disability covers it because it is over 300 and with DD meds it is another 200 for her ADHD a month. Which is part of the reason I ended up with such credit card debt because I was having to pay for it myself before disability.
My mental health worker was here today and I cried for the whole hour. He asked me if I thought I needed to go back to hospital. I said no and he said okay but if it came to the point that I called him and said I need to go, and after I made arrangments for DD and the pets that he would drive me to the next city over. The ward in this city is sooo BAD. I don't even know how to describe it. Nurses, Drs etc here.
I have my next appointment with my psychatrist in a month, and my worker is going to be there to help me talk about changing my meds a bit. I take 3 medications alone to help me sleep and they are not working right now. My worker is worried because the one I have been on for several years (previous pysch dr put me on it) and it is only supposed to be used short term. I have a very high tolerance to medication they think part of the reason is when I was 15 the dr my mom took me to started me on over 500 dollars a month worth of meds, and they just kept upping it until I said no more. Then of course I was put back on meds. 10 years ago. I think they have tried me on just about everything under the sun.
I am also fighting with the child mental health services for DD right now because no one knows what anyone else is doing. So I am on the phone with one services, and they tell me to call the other who tells me to call the first one. Who then says oh yeah your DD is in our system but we can't find the paper work. Did you sign the paper work for A to talk to B and to C. YES!!!!!! The put her on meds when she was first diagnosed and then dropped like flies. I have been left to navagate these waters on my own and it SUCKS!!!!!
 

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You are so correct Rhiamon - the whole situation sucks big time.
I am so glad that you had a real in the face to talk - or in your case - cry with today. Sometimes crying is the only thing you can do.

If you did not have your own challenges to deal with - what the people involved wiht your DD are doing would still drive you up the wall. It hapens to my parents here all the time too.

I'm sure you do this already, but just wanted to mention that a notebook, kept like a journal of who you talk to, what they say, etc = is a really big help. I also tell my parents to write concerns, questions, etc. and make sure these people have a hard copy - sometimes makes a big difference - like they cannot ignore the written word as easily.

Take care, know we care dear friend.
 
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Rhiamon, I have been thinking about you and worrying about you, just from some of your recent posts, before this one.

I am sending out prayers/good vibes for you, and I also think (as others do) that you need to cut back on your load. Make a plan. Sit down and write down what you can STOP and what you can SIMPLIFY, and what you can change a bit, to make your life easier.

HUGS, hon.
 
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
So of course DD is home sick again. She has only started this school on Jan 3rd. She has already missed a week with chickenpoxs now she is sick with croupe. She has a sore throat, it is swallon, her chest hurts from coughing. Now I am paraniod that the school will call Truancy.
My ex and I got into a huge fight last night. I couldn't find my drug card. So I asked him to pay for DD's inhaler that I had to go pick up. He goes to me well I didn't loose it, and I have no money. I said I didn't loose it on purpose it was in my purse I can't find it. He goes well get off your a$$ and go find it. I said I have tore the house apart 4 diffrent times looking for it. I have been trying to get a hold of my disability worker for 3 days to see if they can fax a new one to the pharmacy. So it lead in to a huge fight and I told him that when I was staying with my mom waiting for the apartment that he did way more with DD because he was not welcome in my moms house, so he was always taking her out to the park, hotchocolate etc. I said now you come over and surf the net on your phone and ignore her. He said well what the hell do you do with her. You do nothing with her. I lost it I was balling and shaking I was so upset. I said besides, homework, teaching her life skills, working with the tutor, reading, playing guess who, watching movies, teaching her how to write, and read so she doesn't fail school, baking, cooking, teaching her life skills like cooking and cleaning, and trying to teach her to control her anxiety, and find ways to help her to focus, and learn to control her temper, and her lack of impulse control. Or the fact that I am on the phone or emailing all the time the Child pyschatrist, her pathways worker, her peds doctor, the cardiologists because my sister cardiologist wants both DD and me checked because of how severe my brothers heart condition was before he died and that my sister is suffering from something with her heart. Making arrangments for you to visit, so you can have a relationship with her etc. Yeah your right I sit on my butt and do nothing. All well doing it on an average of 3 hours of sleep or less. Then he goes well I don't have any money I used up all my overdraft. I said you used 1000 dollars in overdraft again. So this led to a fight of why he doesn't have any money and has had to borrow from me for gas. I said I don't understand you don't pay rent, by grocerys, pay for cable, net, phone heat etc. I said you pay for your car loan, gas, and insurance, and a storage room he wouldn't need if he didn't hoard things and he goes don't forget the 50 in childsupport I give you. I said you mean the 50 I have to claim everymonth with disability and they just take it off my check!!! And he makes twice as much as I get but I pay for rent, phone, food, net, a cell phone that I have to have because of DD's, her tutor, her cloths, shoes, winter stuff etc.
I cried all night again. I took everything he said to heart. Because most of the time I don't feel like a good mom, and am failing her, and he knows this. He knows that I have zip for selfesteem. Sometimes I just want to crawl in a cave and not tell anyone where I am!
 

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My Goodness. You deserved a big cry. You have so much on your shoulders. You are a good mom! You are doing everything in your power to raise your DD and to keep her healthy.

I was wondering if maybe you could get help with yours and your dds meds through the companies that make them? I have heard of some companies doing that. I dont know what you would need to do to qualify or if you have already tried.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep your head up and keep moving forward girlie!! You got this!! :)
 
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Just because things just need to keep getting harder and harder, my dog is showing signs of aggresion not to me or DD or my mom or her dog etc. But towards other dogs, and some people. But here is the kicker not all the time. So this morning my dog tried to attack another dog. The people were really nice and said as long as I promised to get him properly trainend they wouldn't report me to animal control. He was on lead. So of course I came home bawling my eyes out. So upset I didn't know if I should put him down or what. So I started calling trainers but nobody that does group training would take me on because of his aggression. So I had to call a private trainer the only one I found willing to do a payment plan with me was a place called Bark Busters. It is real expensive something I don't friggin need right now. But what am I going to do. He is my best friend and really my only friend. He was a gift from my ex after I lost my baby 3 years ago. I mean I am sure it is my fault he is starting to get like this with my high anxiety I don't leave the house very often and when strangers come near me I get all tense. But now the situation is out of control and I don't now how to fix it. I need help.
So that was this morning and it turns out I have no choice but to quit smoking right now because I had to go to the hospital this afternoon because I now have a severe allergy to smoke. I broke out in hives, turned all read, my throat got swollen etc. So I was told by the doctors have I noticed anything I said well for the last little while when I am having a smoke I noticed that I started to get itchy etc. So it is quit or they figure the next time will be a severe reaction and they said with my asthma I might not make it.
I have been crying all day. I called my ex who took DD for the weekend so I could try and calm down. Plus my dad called last night to say he and his wife are coming down this summer. I need a vacation from my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am really starting to not believe what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.Because I really do not think I can handle anything else. I am just hanging on by a thread right now, and if anymore weight is put on it, it is going to snap. :censor: :beat:
 
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