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Early this week a friend of mine killed herself. A group of us had met in college and formed our own little study group, that's how the friendship started. And now this. Those of us she left behind are just kind of looking at each other like WTF??

Has anyone else ever dealt with something like this? How do we get past the I don't get it, Didn't see that one coming, Are You F-ing Kidding Me stage?

It just makes me sick, it really does.
 

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I've never had to deal with your situation. Had she shown any signs of depression, isolation, etc.? I don't really know what to ask, I'm sure that you all are questioning a lot yourselves. I'm just truly sorry for your loss.
 

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I'm sorry for your loss. I lost a friend a few weeks ago and I know it's just as painful as losing a family member.

Im not sure what to say about suicide.
 

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I'm so sorry for this.
I lost both my mother and youngest sister to suicide and can tell you first hand that you never will get the answers you seek. Still to this day I wonder why didn't they seek me out, I could/would have helped. They were so lost with their depression that they saw no other way out. I didn't know, I'll never know. All you can do is remember the good and go on.

If ever you feel you can't cope, reach out. Suicide is such a terrible thing and something that shouldn't be hushed up or something you should avoid talking about. Talk talk & talk some more.
Big hugs.
 
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One of my brothers committed suicide. I am with Darlene, you will never get the answers you seek or understand. Talking about it will help you deal with it.

I struggled trying to understand how my brother could be so desperate and feel that suicide was the only way out. A priest helped me to let that go. He told me that I would never understand because I was trying to rationalize an irrational act and that my brother was not thinking straight.

It has been over 30 years and I still miss my brother!
 

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I used to play with a knife on my wrists. Once was even wanting things to be over instead of the furtive cry for help that is hidden though desparately sought. People that don't have chronic, severe emotional pain don't realize how bad it is. As perspective, I've also had gout, one of the most painful medical conditions you can have without needing hospitalization and I'd much rather live with chronic gout than the emotional pain I once had.

It's been more than 10 years since the last time I've done anything more than entertain bad thoughts and a couple weekends ago was extremely stressful on a variety of fronts and the following Monday morning I realized I endured the stresses without the least thought of hurting myself. This is a major, major milestone for me. I'm 35 now. I think I can remember not wanting to wake up from as early as 10 or so. This has been a long, slow, rough, painful process.

We learn to hide our issues from society and most people don't even consider that these issues may exist. When I was 17 I tried to enlist in the Corps, and answered in the affirmative to the suicide question at MEPS. I was, of course, rejected and the recruiter asked me why I didn't tell him. My unsaid response was, "Why didn't you ask?" I was in the top 10% at school, never did drugs, a traffic ticket or two was the only reason the courts knew who I was. Many people assume that outward success implies inward peace, even though they know this isn't true, i.e. Britney Spears type scenarios. This is how society trains people.

Between your friend probably hiding things from not just you personally, but the world at large, and you probably not being trained or exposed to such possibilities, I hope that you don't feel badly for not having seen something in advance.

Grieve for the loss of the relationship. Be thankful that you don't understand. I mean this sincerely - if you could truly understand, you'd have a life I wouldn't wish on enemies. Accept that your friend made a choice. It's ok to wish she'd made a different choice. Her choice, though, was about her, not about you. Please don't beat yourself up about wishing you could have been there more for her - you didn't know, it's not your job, and if your friend hadn't asked it probably wouldn't have helped.

I hope that you are able to grieve for your lost relationship and walk forward from this event as well as can be done.
 

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I had a fiancee that committed suicide when he was 28.

You are going to feel all sorts of things. It is okay to feel all of them! For me, one of the primary feeling was anger: why did he leave us with all this pain and suffering? How coudl he do this to those of us who cared about him? And then the cycle of guilt because now I'm angry with a dead person, etc.

All of it is completely okay, and normal. Mostly, just talk it all out with people you trust.

It gets softer with time.
 

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Many people assume that outward success implies inward peace, even though they know this isn't true... This is how society trains people.

Between your friend probably hiding things from not just you personally, but the world at large, and you probably not being trained or exposed to such possibilities, I hope that you don't feel badly for not having seen something in advance.

Grieve for the loss of the relationship. Accept that your friend made a choice. It's ok to wish she'd made a different choice. Her choice, though, was about her, not about you.
We can't really know what someone else is going through or why they make the choices they make. We just have to going on with our lives the best way we know how.
 

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I lost someone very near and dear to me to suicide 4 yrs ago.

He was young, handsome and everyone LOVED him. He was popular, had a great job with a great salary, sense of humor etc...to me he had everything.

I can't imagine the turmoil he was going thru, not able to reach out to someone, thinking there was no one he could talk to. Too be in a place so dark that taking his own life was the only way out.

We all still ask why? And have never found the answers.

He never showed any signs they talk about. He was always so happy and always surrounded by people. Not one single person picked up on his unhappiness.

All you can do is talk and remember the good times.
 

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How sad. Am so sorry about your loss and all the losses that others are sharing. No answers - only hugs, aloha and prayers for you all. Sadness sometimes leads to depths of despair that seem endless.
 
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I'm so sorry to hear that. *hug* I'm sure it's very hard to deal with.
 
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Suicide....the easy way out for the person who does it and a lifetime of grief for those left behind. Anger...rejection...confusion...sadness... I've seen them all in those who have had someone dear to them commit the act. It's a terrible waste of a life, but those who do it are not thinking straight. I once had a teenager (who wasn't mine) come to live with my husband and I. She had a life of turmoil in her own home and the school counselor who knew me personally asked if I would take her in so that things at home might cool down a bit....she ended up staying for 5 years. During that time she tried one more time...I felt responsible...how was it that she found our house (which was the polar opposite of hers) a reason to end her life... she was caught in a space between her two lives...the one before and the one after the move... This child was in constant turmoil...she couldnt see straight...It was a rough 5 years, but in the end....she graduated from nursing school and became an RN. Sometimes we can help those who think they want to end their lives and sometimes we can't....but mostly I believe if they want it badly enough...they'll find a way...and it's their choice...
 

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We can't really know what someone else is going through or why they make the choices they make. We just have to going on with our lives the best way we know how.
I think Janie pretty well summed it up.

Just be okay with any anger, hurt, etc. that you feel. This is normal and part of your grieving process.

I have had an uncle that committed suicide (terminal cancer)....a nephew (bro's son) year's ago....and a good friend that tried and is still in a deep depression.........and we still don't know if my niece did but the toxicology isn't back yet......she died the last Saturday in March this year.

We hurt......are sad.......angry, and miss them, but have to accept their choice, try not to judge, and move on. I will still think about my niece and think 'what a waste' (and cry) but she is in a much better place now and out of pain.
 

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My 19 year old daughter read this and she said, you'll never really get the answers you're searching for. You just go on and take each day as it comes. She lost her best friend a little over a year ago and no one saw that coming either. Also, my BIL committed suicide in 1993 and my dh and his parents are still searching for answers. It's just sad all around. I'm so sorry for your loss.
 

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When I was a teenager no one knew that I tried to kill myself. I never told anyone. They only caught on after when I couldn't function from the pressure and depression. At that state in my life I just wanted the pain and stress to be gone. My family and friends were not my concern. Depression can be all consuming. Your friend did not want to hurt you or your family. They just wanted it all to stop. Be thankful that you had them while you did and cherish the good times you shared. Your friend loved you but did not love herself enough.
 

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I'm so sorry for your loss.

Depression is such a hard thing.

There have been so many times I have tried to end it, and someone said its the easy way out, its really not. At that point in time the sufferer is suffering SO bad, that it is really the ONLY way out. I still feel like that sometimes.

Most of the time when someone commits suicide no one even knew they were depressed. It can be hid very well, and usually when they make the decision to commit suicide you may notice that person is at peace, and happy.

I really wish depression did not happen to anyone. Emotional pain is the worst.
 

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...

There have been so many times I have tried to end it, and someone said its the easy way out, its really not. At that point in time the sufferer is suffering SO bad, that it is really the ONLY way out. I still feel like that sometimes.

... It can be hid very well, and usually when they make the decision to commit suicide you may notice that person is at peace, and happy.

...
At one point in therapy a counselor cajoled me into promising not to hurt myself. This made things worse by placing a further limit on my freedom and available coping choices. We ended up compromising that I promised to call before hurting myself.

When I hear suicide being denigrated as "the easy way out" I feel like my character is being impugned. I believe that most people who wrestle with suicidal ideation do so as a result of traumas inflicted upon them by others, especially during childhood, where the person contemplating suicide was not responsible for what befell them. To me, denigrating suicide as "the easy way out" is akin to telling a rape victim that they are taking "the easy way out" if they choose not to press charges and endure a viscous character assault during cross-examination, but instead just try as best they can to move on with their life and forget what happened.
 

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My #2 son lost a close friend to suicide. He was 31 they had been friends 18 years. I had just seen him about a week before he did it. He was so proud of himself and doing so well. His mother found him. His younger brother went to school with my son who justed passed away. So he feels there is a bond between us and he can be himself. I don't understand suicide. I do have compassion for their familys and friends because nobody will ever know why it happened.
Fern
 

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I've been through 3 suicide deaths since knowing Dave, 2 were childhood friends, and the other was his stepmother.

It's very painful, and I am so sorry for your loss :hugz:
 
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